'AITA for moving away and making my friend homeless and then ignoring her calls for help?'

"AITA for moving away and making my friend homeless and then ignoring her calls for help?"

I (31F) have this friend (33F) who has been living with me these past 3 years. She wasn't on the lease. Nor did she pay rent but she did give me money occasionally and would buy stuff for the apartment. In the beginning she would help with cleaning like doing dishes sometimes.

She did have a habit of collecting useless junk (used bike tires for example) that would start piling up in my dining room and she would get upset if I threw something away or moved it. We got in a few arguments over it.

Her reasons being that these items was all she had and that I wouldn't understand because I grew up "privileged" so of course I didn't see what the big deal was throwing away these items. I still don't to be honest. Anyways after a while I began to feel a lot of resentment towards her and I felt she had started taking me for granted. I ended up moving.

I told her I planned on moving two months prior but she didn't seem to take me seriously. Or maybe she assumed I was taking her with me? Idk. But I moved. And because of that she is now homeless. She's been calling me daily saying she doesn't feel good and that she doesn't know what to do and now she just sits in front of 711 doing nothing. I stopped answering her calls.

And I feel bad but I just don't want her living with me anymore. It's like she's completely dependent on others to come rescue her and it's exhausting. Why do I feel like such a bad person? Should I help her or is she just trying to manipulate me?

Not long after posting, OP shared an edit.

Edit: just wanted to add more info about my friend as it may influence the overall opinion of her. She grew up in foster care and aged out at 18. She's had the same case worker since who has helped her with housing in the past.

She sees her caseworker about once every few months. Also she has a high school diploma and is / was a licensed massage therapist. But said she couldn't renew her license due to financial reasons and sorta just fell off and hasn't been back up since. This was in 2015. 10 years ago.

The commenters had a lot to say.

Kbizzyinthehouse wrote:

Where’s her family? NTA She needs to figure out how to deal with her undiagnosed mental issues. Especially hoarding. Where did her stuff go when you left?

OP responded:

She keeps her stuff at a few of her friends places. As for family, she doesn't really have any. She grew up in foster care and aged out of it at 18.

Dazzlelove wrote:

NTA. You must have been pretty desperate to do what you did. She clearly had mental health issues, but isn’t wanting to work on these, and just wants to be rescued, as you say. She’s ringing you because she thinks she can manipulate you again, rather than considering how much you’ve already done for her.

Electrical_Yam4194 wrote:

NTA. It sounds to me like she could benefit from some mental health issues. (I have a family member who has schizoaffective disorder.) Maybe you could do one last thing for her? Gather some information on MH services in your area, along with phone numbers.

Maybe there's a housing program. You could text her the info if you don't want to talk to her.

You are a kind person to give her help all these years. Brava! 👏👏👏

esmerelofchaos wrote:

NTA. You didn’t make your friend homeless. For whatever reasons, your friend has issues that maybe make it hard for her to do stuff, but you basically supported her for three years. She could have done something, anything, in that time to work towards self-sufficiency. Yes, it sucks for her, but it’s not -your- fault.

MuleWrangler wrote:

NTA. You didn't make her homeless. She did that. You just stopped it for a while. But, she was taking advantage of you. She couldn't even thank you by doing anything around your home. And you don't say anything about her looking for a job. You told her that you were moving out, it's on her that she didn't look for somewhere. Plus you never said that she was going with you.

She's calling you because she's trying to guilt you into taking care of her again. She needs to learn how to take care of herself. That's not your job. And don't let her back in while she's "trying to get herself together." You've already seen what that looks like. You need to take care of you...maybe block her for a while.

squigs wrote:

NTA. You didn't make her homeless. If anything you prevented it for a time. If you never existed she'd be in a worse situation. Her life is not your responsibility. You can help, by all means, and you have done more than anyone would expect in that respect. Ultimately though, her problems are hers to deal with.

Material-Ad4473 wrote:

If she has working arms and legs and truly wants to do something about her situation, she can. There are a lot of social assistance programs too. It’s not your responsibility. At this point you’ve done FAR MORE than you should have. There has to be balance. If she wasn’t giving back and was causing you more grief - most people wouldn’t have tolerated it that long. NTA.

EdenCapwell wrote:

NTA, I know you were simply trying to help her, but you inadvertently made her dependent on you with your kindness. She needs to stand up on her own two feet and figure it out ... just like we all have to do. She's an adult and not exactly a YOUNG adult who doesn't know what it takes to survive in the world.

You gave her an enormous amount of time to figure it all out and get her life on the right track. I'm sorry that she's struggling, and I wouldn't wish homelessness on anyone, but she wasted three years collecting junk instead of working to better herself. You reap what you sow in life.