"AITA for moving on after my daughter’s death?"
My 55M youngest daughter recently passed away at 18 back in 2023 after fighting cancer bravely for 12 years, she was the strongest person I’ve ever known in my life and she wanted to live, she beat cancer and rang the bell three different times but it came back stronger than ever and my poor girl couldn’t handle it and passed away just two weeks after it came back for the 4th time.
We were at home and I went to wake her up and she didn’t. It broke me and I collapsed on top of her body and started screaming to my wife it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’d give up my life to bring her back with absolutely no hesitation.
Me and my wife did our best to give her the best possible life, also the make a wish foundation gave my daughter three different vacations over the years even though we’re not American.
We took her to as many places as possible because she was a huge travel and explorer. She was always so sweet and even when she was in the most physical pain she always had a smile and was so positive. She had a big group of friends who all loved her and they even made a little club in her memory to raise awareness about cancer it was so sweet.
My wife’s still broken about her to this day and still visits her grave a couple of times a week. I do too but not as much as her, and honestly I’ve started moving on. Of course I still love my daughter to death and would do anything to bring her back but that’s never gonna happen, and constantly living in grief and pain isn’t gonna help anyone.
My wife last night had a big fight with me about this which is becoming frequent, she accused me of not loving our daughter, I told her she’s crazy and that I’d give up my life to bring her back but there’s literally nothing we can do about it, she called me a horrible father and I asked wether I should mourn for the rest of my life and she said yes I should.
It got bad and she said somethings that really hurt and infuriated me and I ended up telling her to go stay with her parents the night, they’re still alive and her dad honestly seems more energetic than me sometimes, she went and is still over there now.
But I can’t stop thinking about what she said.
Am I the AH for starting to move on from this? I still love my daughter to death and I miss her everyday.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. There’s no timelines on grief or rules on grief. Sucks that wife results to attacking you over it. Hopefully therapy can help cause I can’t imagine you staying around should this continue.
Training_Swan5941 (OP)
The thing is that I absolutely love her, we have 4 other healthy kids who are my life and we even have two little grandchildren.
NTA. Things are likely to hinge on whether or not you, a therapist, or anyone else in your wife’s life can get through to her. It is certainly not fair or okay to neglect your other kids because you’re still completely wrapped up in grief over your daughter’s death.
She sounds like she’s projecting her pain on you because you’ve “dared” to start healing and moving on. From what you shared about your daughter, I don’t think she’d want you to live such a broken, and unbearably painful life—like your wife wants to.
NTA. I've lost a child. The pain never goes away, but eventually you go a whole day without crying and things feel like you can finally survive this. That time frame is different for everyone. And it's not dependent on the amount of love. Personally, I don't want my family to mourn me. Remember me fondly, I hope, but don't stop living because I'm gone.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. I lost my mother sometime back too, and while there are days I wish I could bring her back, the only reality is that I have to move on.
I am so very sorry for your loss. You both have experienced the worst kind of loss, something no parent should have to deal with. Grief is a very personal thing and no two people grieve the exact same way and this can add stress to an already stressful time.
I would highly recommend grief counseling for both of you. Grief counselors are specifically trained to help navigate this scenario. You may want to reach out the company to whom you made final arrangements, they normally have a list of counselors for their clients.
Be aware, the loss of a child quite often leads to the end of marriages. The pain you are both going through, the differences in grief and coping mechanisms, and the loss can cause fissures even in the strongest relationships. A grief counselor could help you navigate couples counseling also.
I am sorry to say, your marriage may not survive, but neither of you are in the wrong. You both are dealing with a horrific event the best you can. I with you both peace as you continue to move forward with this terrible loss.
Grief looks different for everyone. I don’t look at it like you are moving on (like you will always love her and miss her), but you can do that and try to live your life at the same time. I’m so sorry for your loss. Really cannot imagine the pain you both are feeling. NTA.
Despite her limitations, your daughter tried to live a full life. Do the same with yours. Honour her by living a meaningful life. Both of you.
It sounds like your wife may need to seek some help from a therapist. It's true that everyone grieves at their own pace, and that they should be allowed the grace and space to go through that process.
However, in your wife's case, it doesn't sound like she's progressing through the stages of grief. She will likely fight you on that, saying she doesn't need someone to tell her how to feel or how to grieve, but this step may be vital to not only your relationship but also the relationship with your other children.
I'm sure they will grow increasingly hesitant to bring your grandchildren around her if she's always sad, as it will affect the kids, too. NTA.
NTA. Your wife doesn't get to dictate your grief and it sounds like she is in need of some serious therapy. Your daughter died and it's so awful it's breathtaking. But you both are still alive and you need to live your lives.
NTA. Do you know the box and red button theory of grieving? The "box and button" analogy explains grief as a ball inside a box representing life, with a pain button.
Initially, the large ball hits the button constantly, but over time, it shrinks, and life (the box) grows, making pain less frequent but still intense when it happens. Your wife and you may be at different stages but that doesn't mean you loved your daughter any. I sincerely hope you can both get the support you need.