LogicalBlueberry5
My (47F) husband (47M) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary, while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate. While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families. We do not have any children.
The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why. The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no.
He said I would find “flirty” messages with one or more other women on it. He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.
I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together. If he wanted to separate it would be final. He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.
After being away for only 2 days, we rescheduled our flights home, flew home and he packed some belongings and left. 7 days later he asked to come home and we started marriage counseling. He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair.
The counseling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it. I suspect something physical happened with the other woman but I do not have any proof. He had deleted all his “flirty” texts, Snapchat, etc so I could not see them.
After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counseling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage and he was leaving. He packed up and left a few hours later.
He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment and signed a one year lease. I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counseling.
After a 4 weeks, I started to feel a bit better. I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot. I had only met him over Zoom before this.
We started seeing each other a couple times a week. Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship. I’ve stayed in counseling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long term marriage at the same time as beginning something new. It’s been about 7 months now.
My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined. He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving).
Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely. I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust. Am I TA for moving on?
kiki585112
Generally nothing wrong with moving on, but why give the impression you still cared by doing counseling for potential reconciliation WHILE dating someone else? My updated comment after OPs response: Nothing wrong with moving on PERIOD.
NTA and really nice to hear that you are spending time with someone who appreciates your time and company.
LogicalBlueberry5
We stopped marriage counselling when he left the second time. After that I began individual counselling for myself only.
RandomReddit9791
NTA. He left you twice. I guess you were supposed to just sit around wallowing in tears while he went off doing whatever and whoever until he he was ready to come back to you.
Remarkable-Fold-4375
NTA. He literally said he felt there would be a better woman for him somewhere. He’s cheated on you probably multiple times so he doesn’t have the right to be mad at you for moving on when he couldn’t even stay faithful to you. He can’t try to get rid of you and want you again.
Asleep_Koala_3860
Sucks for him. NTA.
BombshellJamboree
Gosh, if only he hadn’t cheated, broke up with you on your anniversary, quit therapy, broke up with you again, moved out, got a divorce. Yeah. This is all your fault. NTA. Go live your best life.
OoohItsAMystery
NTA. He wanted the separation. He didn't want to fight for you... He doesn't deserve you. He missed his shot.
FairyFartDaydreams
NTA your husband sounds like one of those idiots who wants and open marriage basically to cheat and then gets shocked when the partner finds a better partner.
Zestyclose-Sky-1921
NTA. Consider the source. You (hopefully) wouldn't care if some random Karen called you an AH for moving on so fast. Why are you worried about the opinion of someone who is a cheating, stupid, and blind piece of trash?
HarlotteHoehansson
NTA under no circumstances should you let him come back. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side, then he gets there and realizes he isn't as desirable as he thinks he is. You on the other hand are in the prime of your life, enjoy yourself.
jimmyb1982
NTA. Your husband left you. What are you supposed to do? Sit around and see if he wants to get back together? Whomever he was seeing dumped him. Tough cookies. I hope you find happiness, OP.
Alfred-Register7379
NTA. This is exactly what he wanted....but also to keep tabs on you, so you won't move on quicker than he can. Jokes on him. He had a really good marriage, until he got idol hands.
Traditional-Neck7778
NTA, There was no overlap. You didn't cheat. Your husband made the decision to talk to other women and left you. You moved on. Hope this new guy treats you better. You did nothing wrong. Don't let your husband manipulate you into feeling bad or giving him another chance. It is over.
LogicalBlueberry5
The biggest update is that my ex-husband (48M) and I (47F) are finally officially divorced. We split everything equally, and I bought him out of the family home. Thankfully the divorce process was quick and easy once we waited the mandatory separation period for our state.
When signing the divorce papers, he asked if I was sure I wanted to proceed (notably, while he was seeing someone else). He wanted to try again if I was willing. I wasn’t, and thankfully he didn’t fight it or make the divorce process more difficult in any way.
My ex has been seeing this woman for quite a while now. I know he knew her before we split, but I do not know if he cheated with her or not. It doesn’t matter to me. I wish them the best!
My relationship with my new partner (42M) has continued to be amazing. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy. He is kind, loving and a great communicator. We moved in together a while back, and a few months later we became engaged.
We plan to elope sometime in the next year. While it may seem crazy, I am extremely grateful for my ex’s cheating and the following heartbreak. Without it, I may not have found the happiness I have today. ❤️
Misommar1246
Him asking if you’re sure while he’s in a relationship with someone else takes the cake. Between him wobbling one way and the other and that, I can surmise a man who doesn’t know wtf he wants and is always chasing what he doesn’t have. Good for you for moving on.
Ghost3022
I think this is really the only logical take on the situation. And OP did herself justice by moving on!
Effective-Hour8642
Based on what you mentioned, you can bet he's going to reach out when he finds out you're completely over him. Hang back and watch!