'AITA for moving out my apartment without reminding my ex that our lease is up?'

"AITA for moving out my apartment without reminding my ex that our lease is up?"

My ex boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) had been together for almost 8 years, living together for 5. We were initially child-free by choice because we quite liked having a ton of disposable income and being able to go on spontaneous trips, and didn’t want to ruin that.

A little over a year ago, one of our best couple friends got pregnant, and I think he started to change his mind about the child-free lifestyle. We spoke about it, and he assured me that he hadn’t changed his mind, but I had a bit of a gut feeling.

The baby was born in July, and while we have both been involved in the necessary village-like activities of having close friends that are new parents, I sensed him sort of pulling away from me, texting less and less throughout the day, missing at least one of our biweekly date nights per week.

Once more, I tried to have a conversation with him, and explained in pretty uncertain terms that I was not going to change my mind about being child-free, and advised him that if he was heading in that direction he needed to tell me now, to avoid miscommunications and a messy break up later.

He said he had been thinking about talking to me about adoption later on down the line. We spoke about it briefly, but once my mind is made up, it’s very hard to change. He had a few business trips lined up in October, so we decided to use that time to take a break, determine if we were still aligned, and come back either having worked through it, or deciding to break up once and for all.

We rent a pretty fancy expensive apartment together and I stayed in it while he travelled. I’m a very pragmatic person, so I kind of saw that as the beginning of the end (because a disagreement about whether or not to have children is not something a couple can compromise about in my opinion) and while I knew I could probably be able to afford this place on my own...

I wouldn’t be able to keep up the kind of lifestyle I’ve been living, so I began putting feelers out for a new apartment. I told him that I was doing this, as we still spoke at least once a week during this break, and we even joked about how we were smart to have this relationship mess happed towards the end of the year when our lease is up.

We broke up officially in late November, and I reminded him that the lease on our current apartment was due to expire in December, so he needed to decide if he was staying here (I thought that was unlikely because even though he makes a bit more than I do and it is his name on the lease, pretty much all the furniture, and everything that made this “our place” was mine) or finding somewhere new.

He waffled a bit, said he wasn’t sure, that he would make up his mind closer to the end of the year. We pretty much cut majority of contact since the break up, except for coordinating to pick up a few odds and ends that he needed at wherever he’s living temporarily at the moment.

It is now the 29th of December and here’s where I think I might be the AH. I was able to find a gorgeous, decently sized, decently priced two bedroom apartment quite literally two weeks ago, and have made arrangements to have my furniture moved tomorrow.

I’ve been on the fence all day today about calling him to remind him about the lease ending, because as much as he’s essentially moved the majority of his clothes out, he still has a ton of electronics, memorabilia, comic books and action figures, and general odds and ends in his office, which I have not touched because nothing in there belongs to me.

My best friend who is currently drinking all my wine while we pack the last of my stuff, thinks I should call him to remind him, just as a courtesy, but I think I’ve given him more than enough reminders leading up to today, and—we’re both adults here.

I shouldn’t have to remind him to come collect HIS things out of our apartment. So, AITA for essentially moving out without telling him, and leaving what might be a bit of a mess with the landlord for him to deal with?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

JadedByFire said:

NTA. But you could send a text like “got all my stuff out today, everything left here is yours." But you could just as easily not do so and he can be responsible for himself. Unless your name is anywhere on that lease. If so, you’re gonna get hit with late fees if there are any.

MyLilmu said:

You don't need to remind him but an all-my-things-are-out-I-left-my-key-on-the-kitchen-counter text is a courtesy you would give a roommate or landlord.

Secret_Sister_Sarah said:

You know...if he had cheated, or tried to pressure you to have his babies, or done something awful, I could totally see not saying anything. But it sounds like a reasonably amicable break-up caused by changing goals for the future. It's not unheard of for someone to waffle about whether or not they want a family.

(Especially men. I've always known I want to remain child-free as a woman, but I've had a steady stream of exes who started out saying they "never want kids" who change their mind as soon as one of their friends or siblings has one.) Anyway, I'd just send him a reminder text and leave it at that.

CherryGripe75 said:

I'd tell him, you guys split not due to some negative thing like cheating, your lives just took different turns and that's fine. What you are doing is going to leave a messy breakup when there clearly doesn't look like there needs to be one. It's a simple text reminder, just send it.

mfruitfly said:

NTA. Seeing as it is his name on the lease, not being moved out is his problem, not yours. As long as there are no legal issues, you are in the clear. Now what I would do is take a video of the place without your stuff for your own protection. And I’d send him a text saying you are all moved out, didn’t touch his stuff, took a video to have a record and left the keys wherever.

This kind of does remind him that the lease is up, but more so it covers your ass and gives a clean break- you are done, you did your part.

xXMimixX2 said:

NTA. But I don't see your point. You did not have a messy break-up. Everything is and was cordial. Why is it an issue to just send a text like “Hey, I'm all moved out now. The rest that's left is all yours.” Sure, he is an adult. But life is busy, I guess. And it's just nice to send a last reminder and be done with it. As I said, he did not cheat on you or was a bad boyfriend to you.

He simply changed his mind, therefore your lives and values don't align anymore. It happens. But there is no reason to let him lose his stuff or anything. You know, comic books and so on can be valuable, and it is a shitty thing to do and causing unnecessary stress/issues. As you don't know what the landlord will or could do with his stuff.