'AITA for still moving out even though my stepmom has cancer?'
"AITA for still moving out even though my stepmom has cancer?"
I’m knew to this, and this may be a little long because I would like to provide context so please bear with me. I (20F) still live with my parents. I hadn’t lived with either of them until around 6 years ago.
Shortly after I turned 16, my stepmom got put on dialysis. Because my dad’s job requires him to be gone for days, I quit my job and took care of her for years. Eventually, she got her kidney transplant and was off dialysis, so I went back to work( around the age of 18).
Even though I was an adult, my dad told me I can live with him forever, so long as I’m working and not just being lazy. I never planned to stay forever but wasn’t going to leave automatically.
I still live with them now, but had been planning to get my own place. I have a boyfriend who was long distance. His lease was over where he lived so we decided for him to go ahead and make the move.
I found some cheap apartments that I planned on going to until we could get our money combined and get a better place. I told my parents I would be moving the next month (August) and told them the location.
They told me no, that it was a dangerous area and don’t want me to move. I explain to them my situation with my boyfriend and they told us he could move in here, and we could save for things we needed.
They don’t mind me living here, but a boyfriend is another story. Once he was here, they seemed very annoyed by our presence. Reminded us that we needed to be out, and would bash our current jobs and how much we make telling us we need to be saving to be out ASAP.
I reminded them we can go somewhere cheap and they insisted no and would get defensive, things got tense. I started avoiding them and saving as much as possible as quick as possible.
We told them we would be out by the end of October and that was okay with them, though my step mom kept on with the badgering. We were fully prepared to moved and have made arrangements.
Things took a turn. This month we found out my stepmom has terminal brain cancer on her frontal lobe that could cause loss of control of the right side of her body, amnesia and more.
My dad and my grandma automatically assumed I would be staying here and taking care of her, even told me to quit my job to be home with her 24/7. This kind of hit me. Yes, I understand she may need round the clock care but also just a month ago they were pushing me out.
I have always been down to take care of family, but also I already made arrangements to move and felt very unwanted here. Now that they need me or have a reason for me to stay it’s okay, but before it was get out ASAP.
I don’t plan on staying, I had already moved my boyfriend here from out of state and was fully prepared for us to start our life and have been feeling unwanted. I did start working only weekends so while I am here I can help, and I am willing to come over and help when needed but am not willing to put our move off. Am I the AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You gave up years of your life to take care of your Stepmother, not even your biological mother. You are overdue for a new life of your own. What will happen after your stepmother dies? Who will take care of your grandmother when she needs help?
What about your father? If you don’t leave now, you will never get out. You will spend your 20’s and 30’s as the family caretaker. Don’t let them guilt you into thinking that is your life’s purpose. Get while the getting is good.
Their plan is to have you become a permanent caretaking fixture as above poster outlines. First the stepmother (for the second time); then grandma and then your father. You deserve an independent life plus when you are there these folks are on you all the time about getting out - that is until they need you!
NTA. Your basically a kid and this is going to be a lot emotionally. You should leave and start your independent life. They can hire a nurse or something. This is on your dad not you. Sorry your family is going through this.
NTA- it was really lovely of you to take care of her for those years. However, it isn’t (and can’t be) your job to take care of her at your expense. Your dad was the one who committed to her, and it’s his responsibility to make sure she’s cared for.
I suspect they didn’t want you to move to a dangerous area because they love you, and either they don’t like your boyfriend or feel off about you growing up into an adult. However, those feelings aren’t your problem. You deserve to start your own life and make your own choices. I’m sure they’re scared about the future and how to care for your stepmother as she worsens and eventually passes away.
Again, this is not your responsibility. I hope this hasn’t damaged your relationship with them permanently and that you’re able to have a healthy and respectful relationship with them now that you’re moving out, where they respect your autonomy and adulthood.
NTA at all - your parents are. Being rude to you about your jobs and treating you like this is not ok. You have already spent your teen years being someone’s carer which should never of been put on you. I’m so sorry that they have treated you like this.
Wanting you to quit your job is insane, it sounds like they just want to continue to have control over you. It is not your responsibility to provide 24/7 care for her, that’s a nurses job and they need to get one.
Don’t let them or anyone else make you feel guilty. You sound lovely. So go ahead and start living your life for you. You only get one life so make the most of everything and live it for yourself 🌸