'AITA for moving out of my family's house because I’ve had enough?' UPDATED
"AITA for moving out of my house because I’ve had enough?"
So I’ve lived with my parents up until the age of 23. Now I know that’s late, but I live in an Indian household, and usually you don’t move out until your married. Now I don’t mind this, or I should say I WOULDN’T mind this if that house wasn’t a total hellhole.
There’s a total of 8 people living in that house with only 3 rooms. My dad decided that we should bring our grandparents to this country, and he hasn’t told me why. I have to share MY room with two adult cousins who decided to immigrate to this country to get a better job, but they don’t seem to want to move out anytime soon.
And let’s not forget that it’s SO LOUD. I’m a nurse and when I come home I like to relax but I can’t when there two very loud people entering and leaving my room whenever they feel like it with no courtesy of being a little quiet. So I decided I had enough. I searched for an apartment near my workspace, and found a rarely nice 2 bedroom apartment.
I told my parents I’m moving out and THEY FLIPPED. My dad started yelling at me that I’m not married yet, and it would be rude(?) for me to move out before I’m married. My mom started crying telling me how could I just leave her like that. I tried to ignore them but they kept trying to stop me, so I told them that I just can’t live in a place where I don’t get any respect.
I’ve been living in my apartment for just a little over a week, and let me tell you that this was the best decision I have ever made. My brain is no longer exploding from being in such a loud house because I get to control the noise that goes around in my apartment. I can’t believe I didn’t move out sooner.
But my relatives keep telling me that my parent are heartbroken, especially my mom, that I don’t care about their feelings. How am I supposed to care about their feelings if they can’t understand mine? But I won’t lie I am feeling just a little bit of guilt for leaving out of the blue. Did I make the right decision. Was it okay for me to do that?
Edit: for those of you asking, NO I will not be giving them a spare key because that would literally turn my life into hell. They already know my address but the apartment complex is gated so they can’t come in without my say so.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
mrsjohnson08 wrote:
NTA - if she is that heartbroken she can kick the cousins out so you can have your room back.
OP responded:
That was actually the first thing I mentioned. They shrugged it off saying that they’ve only been working a few months and need time to “settle” but I think they’ve had more than enough time to do that.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. You need space and quiet. Firstly, because you're your own person. And secondly because you're a nurse in this pandemic. They should doubly respect you for that. Try inviting your parents, specifically your mom, over to your new place. That might help her feelings.
OP responded:
Thank you for this wonderful advice. I’ll try speaking to them personally in my apartment and show her how much better I’m doing since I moved out.
[deleted] wrote:
OP, that's terrible advice, DON'T LET THEM KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE (yet). They'll drop unexpected every chance they have and it will be like being at your folks' all over again.
OP responded:
They know where I live. It’s a gated community with a watchman(part of the reason why it’s so expensive), and if they try to get in without my say so they’ll be charged with trespassing. They know this and wouldn’t dare try to enter because in Indian families, getting arrested is worse than dying(at least in my experience).
Sweeper1985 wrote:
NTA. There are cultural differences at play here. Your parents are obviously still abiding by Indian cultural norms and you are more aligned with norms in the country you immigrated to. IMO it's perfectly alright to say you need more space and quiet if the crowded conditions are impacting on your work and your overall wellbeing.
OP responded:
I would say that it was affecting my work because I had to get my out of hospital work done before I got home, but now I can calmly do it in the comfort of my new apartment without any problems. Moving out has helped my mental health in so many ways, and hopefully my parents are willing to see how much better their sons health is.
D1133 wrote:
NTA. You have a right to live your life your way just as they had a right to make the decisions they did in their lives. I understand your feelings and that fact that you are feeling guilty, to me, shows that you didn’t do it out of disrespect or to spite them. Your guilt is coming from a place of love for them. Of course you don’t want to hurt their feelings and that’s why you feel bad.
Continue to love them and do the best you can to mitigate the way they feel. You may not be able to change their minds on your decision but you can continue to show them how much they mean and that you love them. Allow them to have their opinion. Stand by yours. Congratulations on a milestone in your life and thank you for the service you do in your job.
OP responded:
Thank you so much for this comment. Yes I do love my parents and I hope they can see that moving out has truly helped me and my mental health in so many ways that even therapy could not. I’ll have a talk with them soon and I’ll update you guys if anything happens.
A month later, OP shared an update.
Well some time has passed now, and I can’t say that things have gotten better exactly. I invited my parents over to my new apartment, and had a talk with them about how this apartment is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t plan on moving back in to the old house anytime soon.
They remained calm but after about 10 minutes of talking they suggested something that I hoped they would never suggest. They suggested that I let my cousins(who were a MASSIVE part of the reason I moved out) move in with me because, frankly, there’s no room left in the house.
I never thought that I would do something like this, but after they suggested that, I EXPLODED. I yelled at them saying that they should’ve thought about that BEFORE I was forced to move out due to my mental health deteriorating. I told them that they are never allowed to move in with me, and I don’t have any room for them either.
They yelled back saying I’m being way too disrespectful, and I should watch my tongue around them. My mother started tearing up but I don’t care about that anymore. All the guilt that had built upon me for moving out had disappeared in that moment. I had them leave and told the watchman to never let them in without my approval.
So yeah, while the situation did not at all get better, the guilt I had in my heart and mind from the last post is now completely gone because I’ve realized that Indian parents care not about their children’s health but their status in their families (cousin’s parents suggested they move in with me and they agreed) more.
INFO ABOUT COUSINS AGE FROM OP:
They’re 25M and 34M and I’m 22M. 34M has two daughters back in India. 25M was chill and he sided with me, but couldn’t say it in front of my parents.
The internet was glad to hear the update.
Good for you!
I know things didn't completely work out for you but frankly your health and piece of mind is far more important than sharing your space with others.
Enjoy your newfound freedom!! :D
greenhouse5 responded:
OP. You are wrong that your situation didn’t get better! It absolutely did! It’s YOUR apartment! Your food in the fridge, your acceptable noise levels, your tv, your mess! Enjoy it and don’t look back!
hello-mr-cat wrote:
Buy the book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Forward on Amazon. The "you're disrespectful" and fake tears are all manipulation tools. They are not the authority over you. You are the authority over you. Good for you for escaping such a toxic environment.
StAlvis wrote:
They yelled back saying I’m being way too disrespectful, and I should watch my tongue around them.
... or what? They'll kick you out - oh, wait.
[deleted] wrote:
Part Indian here. "Indian parents care not about their children’s health but their status in their families."
Rings true. In non-westernized indian families so much importance is placed on how they appear to others in the community. They are mostly upset on how your actions are making them look.