'AITA for moving out of my parent's house without saying anything? They don't approve of my BF.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for moving out without saying anything?"

I (23f) currently live with my parents. I have been dating my bf (24m) for almost a year now and we have known each other for many years. Recently him and I started talking about the future and when we would like to move in together. Originally we were talking about waiting another year so I can finish college.

However after my mom caught wind of him and I having these conversations she lost her mind. She told me that I shouldn't even be thinking about a future with my boyfriend at this point in my life that him and I needed to back off of our relationship.

Then she went as far as telling me that I'm not allowed to see him more than once a week for a couple hours and that he will no longer be allowed over at the house anymore and it's her house so I'll respect that. My mom is very controlling and manipulative and I have spent most of my life doing whatever she wanted to make my life easier.

However I am ready to move out and my mom would physically stop me if I tried to leave. But her and my dad are going to some convention this weekend and my BF and I plan on moving me out while they are gone. So AITA for packing up my s#$t and leaving without saying anything?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Oldandslow62 wrote:

Dad advice here no your not the AH! When my parents started to tell me how I needed to live my life I packed my s#$t and left too! And here is the flip side to this. I was fully independent from my parents and supported myself from day one.

Be prepared to do the same. School funds being cut off the possibility of having to drop out of school to work full time to now support yourself. No more health insurance either. Like I tell my own kids your old enough to make your own decisions and your old enough to live with the consequences. Be prepared.

OP responded:

I am already working full time, I pay for my own car and have my own health insurance. I don't have to pay anything for my college due to the GI bill. And I have my own health insurance.

Oldandslow62 wrote:

Then there you go sounds like you have your s#$t together and just need to deal with the fallout of moving out. Good luck sounds like your mom is going to freak out.

OP responded:

She definitely will, and I expect her to manipulate the rest of my family but its on them if they believe her because they know what she is like.

Oldandslow62 responded:

Hang in there don’t take s#$t off others.

1RainbowUnicorn wrote:

NTA as long as you stick to your plan to finish school and establish your career before getting married or having children. Make sure you can have your own money amd be independent should anything in the relationship change and you cam take care of yourself if need be. Be sure to take all your important documents with you. Be safe. Good luck.

Either_Management813 wrote:

It’s ridiculous for any parent to tell an adult 23 year old they can only see someone, bf or not, once a week for two hours even if they’re living in the parent’s home. NTA and you’ll be better off out of there.

It shouldn’t change anything but what does your dad say about all this? And are there any pets of yours not just the family pet you shouldn’t leave behind because she’ll deny you access? Now be prepared to block her or change your numbers if she bombards you.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

So my boyfriend and I have officially decided to go through with getting me out of my parents house. I have had my job saving boxes for me for the week and I've been storing them at his house. My parents leave town tomorrow morning and tomorrow night after work and my sister goes to bed my bf and I will start packing everything up.

None of my family has any clue that my bf and I signed and paid for the lease on a really nice apartment about 20 mins away from my parents. Both mine and my bf therapist are telling both of us its in my best interest to leave if I want to be able to grow as a person. My friends say that my mom is controlling and im 23 and need to get on with my life.

Truthfully while I agree with all of this I feel guilty. I dont plan on cutting off all contact and everything is signed and paid for so there's no going back now. Am I irrational for feeling guilty about all of this? Or am I a jerk for leaving without saying anything?

The comments kept coming.

traciw67 wrote:

NTA. But inform your school/job about your crazy parents so they will be prepared for your mom's manipulations to get your new address. And do NOT give any family members your new address. Your bf's job and family should k ow about your controlling family also, so they're prepared too.

OP responded:

They know, and they have been given a description of her car and shown her picture. They have been told not to answer the door if they come to their house and if it becomes a problem they need to trespass her.

Either_Management813 wrote:

You’re doing the right thing but what if your sister wakes up and hears you? Will she call your parents? You should do this anyway, they have no legal hold on you but think through how you’ll handle it if this happens. If this didn’t come up already, are you on their phone plan? Do they pay for your school?

Are there other expenses such as health insurance they might cut off? If you have bank accounts that they have access to, likely from before you were adult age, they may still be able to access them if you didn’t change accounts. They might take the money so plan and get you money transferred to a separate account. Car payments or car title in their name? Car insurance?

OP responded:

My sister is a very heavy sleeper. Im going to pack boxes in my room and my boyfriend is going to take them to our apartment in his truck while I stay behind. I am on their phone plan, but my bf and I have decided that if they take me off he'll add me to his plan.

My bf and I are on a car insurance policy together and I have my own vehicle and my own health insurance. I have already filled out the paperwork for my bank accounts to be chnaged. I don't have to pay for college because my dad is a vet so Its all paid for by the VA.

TopAd7174 wrote:

OP, make sure you take the right precautions. Do NOT give your parents your new address. Check your car/phone for trackers. Pre-empt a police visit by informing them you are not missing, you have moved out. Ask your landlord of you can put a password on your account to prevent her trying to tamper with your lease.

And any other accounts she may have access to. If she asks to meet, make it public halfway between your houses. Leave after she does. Inform your college/work of potential fallout. Make sure you have all your important documents. Good luck!!!

kittenherder93 wrote:

Good for you OP! Don’t ever feel guilty for establishing your independence! You’re an adult and your parents need to accept that, you’re allowed to have a life outside your family. If they start getting out of hand just block them then reach out when you’re ready - not when they demand it.

Taking time off gives you a break and gives them time to reflect why you need the space. I would preemptively get a new phone going so you can have a new number they don’t have access to. Inform the police you’re not missing - you’ve just left of your own.

Five days later, OP shared another update.

UPDATE: my bf and I have officially moved in together. My mom is extremely angry. She called me and yelled at me for 30 mins and told me that I was alone and that I had no one to turn to.

She told me that everything is always about me and that she would be calling my therapist because "clearly I must have lied if my therapist was telling me to leave" her and my dad ate repossessing my truck even through I am paying for it because its in my dad's name. They say me having it is a liability for them. My mom called me yesterday telling me she was worried that I may be living with a sociopath.

She said she spoke to my therapist and she told her that she didnt tell me to leave. My mom then called me and asked me if her and my dad could come pick me up and talk to me. They claimed that my bf has manipulated me into cutting off my family when he has actually done the exact opposite.

Through this process my bf has actually been encouraging me to reach out and even said that my family was welcome to come over. He even said that if they wanted him to leave the house when they come see me then he will do so because he doesn't want to keep me from my parents. My mom has reach out to other family members and spoke to them.

I am not aware of what she said to them but they sent me a message telling me they didn't wish to get involved. My mom has made not 1 but 2 Facebook post telling everyone how I have abandoned my sister 27(f) and left her to die. She has gone as far as telling everyone my bf is abusing me which is a lie.

She even said in her most recent post that she was going no contact and asked everyone else to do the same because if they didnt they would be supporting an ab#$er.

FYI: this is not me whining and crying about my choices. I am fully aware that these are the consequences of my actions and my choices and I made my bed and have to lie in it. I'm not asking for pity. The reddit users asked for an update so I am providing one.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

mandy198421 wrote:

You are an adult so I don't believe your therapist talked to your mother. She is lying. And if your therapist did talk to your mother then that is an ethics violation and you could get her in serious trouble because they are supposed to have dr/patient confidentiality. Your mom is pulling lies out of her ass to try and continue controlling you.

Right now the best thing for you to do is sit your mother down and tell her that you are a grown woman and you will be making your own choices and she needs to get on board with it or she can get out of your life and go either LC or NC until she can learn to respect your wishes. Good luck OP.

OP responded:

She has already chosen to go no contact with me because I chose to stay with my BF.

mandy198421 responded:

Then that is on her and sounds like your life will be much better in the long run.

Themlethem wrote:

I would seriously rethink having them come over, especially while you are there alone. People like this are unpredictable and you have no idea what they will try to do to you. Ideally, they shouldn't even know your address because the odds of them harassing you are very high.

Existing_Winter5679 wrote:

NTA. Mom's a lunatic. And how is your 27-year-old sister supposed to die with you having moved out? Hopefully the extended family sees what a fruit loop your mom is. I'd be putting her on a very long time out until she grows the F up and acts like an adult mother of an adult and not some crazy ex.