Grandmother chooses beachside grandkids over college-aged children. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for moving to be closer to my grandkids?"
I have 3 kids with my ex husband; Elliott (28), Emily (21), and Joseph (19). Emily and Joseph still live at home while they attend the local state university. 3 years ago, Elliott married his high school girlfriend, Madeline (27) and they have 3 beautiful little girls.
Sophie (12) is Madeline’s half sister that Madeline and Elliott adopted 3 years ago. They also have 18 month old twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope and they’re pregnant with their first son.
Last year Madeline and Elliott moved from their apartment down the street from me to a house about 3 hours away for Elliott’s job. I try to visit them at least 2 weekends a month and I just love where they live.
It’s this adorable little quiet beach town. I’ve been thinking about retiring there since Elliott and Madeline moved down there but I made the decision after I found out Madeline and Elliott are having another baby.
I put in an offer on a little cottage on the beach, a 10 minute walk to Elliott and Madeline’s house. My offer was accepted so I decided to sit Emily and Joseph down to tell them my plan.
I told them that I would be selling the house this summer and moving closer to Elliott and Madeline for an early retirement. I didn’t want them to struggle to find a place to live so I told them I will rent an apartment for them to share for 3 years or until Joseph graduates, whichever comes first.
Neither will pay rent or any other expenses besides part of their groceries as long as they’re still in school. I thought Joseph and Emily would be ok with this but they were furious.
Joseph is saying that I’m choosing Elliott and my grandkids over them and Emily is claiming that I’m misusing their child support (their dad agreed to pay until they graduate from college) because I won’t get a “good” apartment (I’m getting them a simple 2 bed 1 bath apartment in good condition close to their school instead of a luxury 2 bed 2 bath with access to pools, a gym, and other nice amenities).
I told her she’s welcome to pay her tuition and living expenses on the $850/month I get from her dad and now she and Joseph won’t speak to me. Elliott is suggesting that I could’ve given them more notice and talked to them about this before I bought the house but I thought 3 months was plenty of time. AITA for moving to be closer to Elliott, Madeline, and my grandchildren?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's initial post:
Yeah, this was really poorly handled. Your children are all adults and you unilaterally decided on this move that is going to hugely affect all of their lives, and then sprung it on them as a fait accompli. YTA. And it has to be said: are you sure Elliott and Madeline even want you to move to their new town?
Gee I wonder why your children who live with you are shocked that you sold the house and are moving three hours away without having mentioned it to them at any point until it was a fait accompli.
You are choosing your eldest and grandkids above them. Maybe not for the first time I imagine. You sure like burning bridges, but as long as your needs are met, eh? YTA.
Personally I think a lot of conversations with your loved ones before making big decisions that will change their lives is appropriate. I wouldn't have done it this way. They're adults, you aren't required to care for them, and that's not the point.
They would have had more time to adjust if they were in on the conversation. I can't imagine buying a house in a different town and planning a move without talking to my kids about it. YTA.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you to everybody that commented on my original post. A lot has happened since then. I’ve been staying with Elliott for a little over a week after his wife experienced a medical emergency that ended with her losing the baby.
The day I left I got an email from Emily saying she was moving in with her dad and cutting contact with me. Her dad and I have a pretty good relationship so I’ve been checking in through him and apparently she’s already threatening to move out because of his expectations towards chores and financial contribution.
Joseph actually apologized to me a couple days ago. I haven’t been able to sit down with him in person but we’ve had plenty of phone calls where we talked about his future.
Instead of sharing an apartment with his sister, he will get a studio apartment and contribute $200/mo towards the rent and $200/mo towards groceries. I pay for everything related to his car except for gas and he’s on my health insurance so he only pays about $100/mo for gas, leaving his total living expenses at $500/mo.
His income fluctuates but it’s typically $1500-3500/mo so even during the slow seasons he should be able to afford his expenses. I agreed to split the rent with him (currently 1k/mo) for up to 2 years after he graduates. I do wish things are better for Emily but I am happy with Joseph for how he worked everything out..
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
I am happy it all worked out, it seems Emily is the biggest issue but that’s not your problem anymore. It’s a shame she lost the baby. I am surprise you got an AH verdict but then again Reddit really believes that parents need to break there backs forever…Literally we’re giving the an apartment and plenty of notice.
Edit: even if op butchered how they dropped the news, at most it should have been an ESH not the overwhelming YTA. They were treating this as she was abandoning middle schoolers not grown ass adults who she literally will pay for their housing.
The adult kids were definitely being dicks in that post. Personally OP NTA since you still gave 3 months when this news dropped and were literally doing to pay for their housing.
I get the feeling something bigger is going on with Emily. It's not normal to drop all your classes halfway through the semester to spite your mother. And if this is how she normally is, wouldn't OOP have expected this kind of dramatic response?
I remember not knowing my family and I were moving from Canada to Australia until I came home one day and saw the for sale sign outside our house. I was so confused and cried so much.
I'm gonna say that's an (almost) everyone sucks scenario. I don't care what OP's defenders say, she should have given the two youngest kids a heads up as soon as she had the thought and started looking into houses. There's no good reason NOT to have talked with them earlier.
The daughter went a bit crazy out of spite too, and I have a side eye at the oldest for not telling his siblings or advising his mother to talk to them about it but feeling like he could play captain hindsight and point it out after the fact. Maybe he didn't know or realize she was keeping them in the dark until it blew up, who knows.
This feels like the sort of Rashomon story that would sound a lot differently if told from the perspective of one of the other characters.