'AITA for telling my mum I’m uncomfortable with her maintaining a relationship with my ex-husband and his new wife?'
"AITA for telling my mum I’m uncomfortable with her maintaining a relationship with my ex-husband and his new wife?"
I (30s, F) have been divorced from my ex-husband for about five years. Our split was amicable, no drama, no hard feelings, we just drifted apart. Since then, we’ve both moved on: I’ve remarried and recently had a baby, and he’s also remarried and has a baby with his new wife.
A few months ago, my mum bumped into my ex at the shops. They hadn’t spoken in a couple of years, but they had always been friendly while we were together. After chatting, he and his wife invited my parents over for lunch. My mum asked if I was okay with that, and I said I was fine with a one-off lunch and them catching up casually; out of courtesy and recognizing the past closeness.
However, since that lunch, my parents (particularly my mum) have continued to stay in contact with my ex and his new wife. They’ve met up multiple times, sometimes without even telling me. I had to ask to find out it was happening, which already felt a bit off. While I was overseas recently, they met up again.
What’s really made me uncomfortable is that my mum has been sharing private details about me with them, things like my birth experience and personal parts of my relationship.
I even saw messages from my mum to my ex’s wife talking about shopping, complimenting her style, even saying things like “I loved you all” which honestly felt like she’s just totally moved into this new friendship.
I recently confronted my mum and told her that I’m actually not okay with this ongoing relationship. I feel like it crosses a boundary and, frankly, it feels like a betrayal.
She doesn’t seem to understand how it could be hurting me, despite her having instilled in me the importance of loyalty and trust throughout my whole childhood. So, AITA for telling my mum I’m not comfortable with her maintaining a relationship with my ex-husband and his new wife?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. TBH this sounds like a very odd fixation that your parents have. Sharing personal information about you with your ex and his new wife MAJORLY crosses a boundary and it’s inconceivable that your parents cannot understand that. Sounds like you may need to stop sharing info with your Mom, and worst case go LC.
I’d say LC at a MINIMUM and actually say that until she’s dropped this new connection all together that she won’t be hearing from me at all. You are my mother. This isn’t a situation where you don’t choose sides. You either choose to be my mother or you choose to be my ex’s mother.
Well having a good relation with OPs ex may be ok - he was like a son to them and they dont want to loose him - I kind of understand that. But sharing OPs privacies with him - a whole different story here. But honestly the only thing OP can do is to not share her things with mom until she will gain her trust again.
NTA. It's one thing to maintain a friendship. It's another to gossip about a third party. That's what your mom is doing.
NTA. If she wants that relationship I'd tell that's fine but don't be surprised when she turns around and I'm not there anymore. The fact that she fails to understand the implications of her actions and how they hurt you definitely is a side eye moment. She seriously cannot be that dense...is she?
Hmm.... you're certainly allowed to set a boundary for what your mother and father discuss with your ex or his new wife. Frankly, I'd be so pissed at your mother for sharing private details that the rest would pale in comparison. Your parents are free to make and keep friends whether you're comfortable with them or not, and form deep relationships with others not of your choosing.
They're not free to share intimate details that you confide privately. Sadly, the only means you have to ensure your mother doesn't talk about private things is to not share it with her... that's the betrayal here, IMO. NTA, but because of the boundary issue, not the relationship.
If your parents were simply building friendships without discussing your info, I'd lean to you being an A on this. Best of luck in getting your parents to understand. Talk to her about loyalty and trust being a two-way street, and how sharing that private info reduced your trust in her.
INFO: Is the real problem that your parents have a relationship with your "amicable, no drama, no hard feelings, we just drifted apart" ex, or that your mother shared intimate/personal details of your recent life with them? How did you come to see "messages from my mum to my ex’s wife"?
ausklappen (OP)
My mum asked me to send a video to my brother so I was helping her and when I opened her messages to send the video she requested I sent it was open.
I would put her on a information diet. But beyond that i can't really say anything about it because I am still very close to my ex in-laws. I was married to their son for 16 years. They have welcomed my now husband into their family and my daughter is a granddaughter to them. They still consider me their daughter. They have been like second parents to me and I didn't won't to lose that relationship with them.
NTA, while you can't stop adults from spending time with any other adults, you absolutely can tell your mother to keep your name out of her mouth when she interacts with them. "If you continue to provide information to my ex husband and his wife about my life, my husband or my child, I will cease contact and you will be provided with zero information to gossip about with them."
NTA…Why are your parents friends with your ex? I could understand if you had a child together, but that does not appear to be the case. You cannot tell your parents who to be friends with, but sharing your personal details with your ex and his wife is just plain strange.
I would tell mom, being friends is with thing, but if you find out any more personal details of your life are being shared, you will stop sharing your life with her at all and includes your child.