'My 18-year-old is upset I wasn't on my way home EARLIER from a party than it ended.'

"AITA? My 18-year-old is upset I wasn't on my way home EARLIER from a party than it ended."

I'm (36F) currently in a major disagreement with my eldest kid (18NB) over events that happened last night, and I need an unbiased group of people to maybe help me understand my kid's frustration.

I had Q (my kid) when I was 18. We did a lot of growing up together with me being a young mom, so we do a lot together. Q and I are definitely close, but when they're upset with me, it can get bad. And since we're so close, if I do anything without them, even just something for myself (I'm a mother of 4, so these are already rare), they get really angry.

Now to the problem at hand:

I had a work Christmas party last night. Q helped me shop for a dress the day before, gave me some advice on styling and accessorizing the evening of and it was a really nice bonding experience.

My two younger daughters went to their dad's house for the weekend, so it was only Q at home with their brother (15), so no babysitting was involved. Q asked me when I'd be home for the night, and I replied "I'm not sure if I'll leave early or not, but the party ends at 10." They seemed satisfied with this answer, and off I went with my husband to the party.

We had a wonderful time during the party. I did look at my phone every pretty often when I wasn't dancing to make sure I didn't get any emergency phone calls, and for most of the night I was clear. However, when the party ended at 10:02, I went to look at my phone to be greeted with 2 missed calls (one at 10:01 and the other at 10:02) and an incoming call from Q.

They berated me for not answering and yelled at me for not being home at this time. I calmly reminded them that the party ended at 10, to which they replied that I claimed that I was coming home early (I did not expressly guarantee that to them at all) and this was the third time they called because what if there was an emergency, and told me that I'm a mother first.

They're currently still not talking to me, and when I tried to make peace, they snapped on me. I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't do anything at all on my own and I should stay home and just "be a mom."

So, was I wrong at all? How could I have handled this better?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

International-Fee-255 wrote:

Ok so it sounds like you two are in a very strange relationship. This needs therapy now. There's no way an 18-year-old should be so dependent on their parent and as acting as parent towards them. Your relationship isn't normal and you will need professional help to sort this out.

SQ_Madriel wrote:

ESH . Your kid is controlling and thinks they can tell you what to do.

You for seemingly never getting your child counseling to address their separation issues and lack of emotional regulation.

Peoplethatknowme wrote:

YTA for posting this in the context that there's some kind of gray area here. Your husband must be so frustrated that you allow this to happen. You need to assert that you are the mom and you need to impress upon your 18-year-old that if they don't like the way you live your life then they need to find another situation that's more to their liking.

lawfox32 wrote:

I think your kid needs to go to therapy, and you probably should do some family therapy, at least with you and Q.

They were behaving in a way that was controlling and unfair (it was not okay to berate you or yell at you in this situation), but it seems like almost certainly more is going on underneath this, because it really is not normal for an 18 year old to call their parent 3 times and become extremely upset and yell because their parent isn't home 3 minutes after the end time of a party.

Presumably your work party wasn't directly next door to your house, so even if you had left at, say, 9:45 or 9:50, you likely wouldn't have been home at 10--and you don't have to be. Being out past 10 pm with an 18-year-old and 15-year-old at home is not irresponsible or not putting "being a mom first." It's normal.

But Q's response really isn't-- they seem both extremely attached to you, without good boundaries, and it seems like they might be experiencing some intense anxiety.

When my mom was a teenager, she went through a period of having really terrible anxiety whenever her parents left the house because she was extremely, irrationally afraid that they would get into an accident and die. She has an anxiety disorder and mild OCD.

It seems like Q may be really anxious either about you getting hurt or having an emergency while out, or about something happening to them/their sibling/at the house while you are out and them not being able to reach you. But neither of these fears, if they're intense enough that Q is spam-calling you and upset and yelling the instant the clock hits 10, is reasonable, and they may need help to deal with whatever is going on.

FrontTour1583 wrote:

What’s going on here? Your 18 yo child should not be so hung up on your schedule that they’re freaking out at 10:01 and 10:02 and super angry at your afterwards for not coming home on time. This is concerning behavior and speaks to some unhealthy codependency of some kind.

This needs to be untangled. You are the parent. You are an adult. Frankly so is your kid now. This isn’t okay. YTA for letting this get to this point. Idk if you both need therapy or what but this needs to be addressed.

greeneyedgal2 wrote:

You prob shouldn’t let your CHILD run your life and remind them you’re the parent who is free to do as she pleases since she again is the parent. You’re wild for thinking you cannot do as you please also get this child into therapy.