'My best friend died and now I’m rethinking my relationship with my girlfriend.' UPDATED 2X
"My best friend died and now I’m rethinking my relationship with my girlfriend."
All names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hi, I (41m) hav a daughter (13f) who is the light of my life. Her mother passed during childbirth. For the past decade I’ve tried dating, but with disastrous results.
A yr before my daughter (call her Stephanie) was born my wife (Joy) bought me a Border Collie pup who I named Flip. Somehow it was Flip who managed to keep me sane the first 2 years after my wife’s death. He was my best friend. He guarded Stephanie and protected her, like he was an extra dad. Steph loved Flip so much. Every vacation, every trip she insisted on bringing Flip and of course that was more than ok with me.
Last year I finally struck gold. I met Donna (39f) who helped fill the void in my life with Joy’s passing. She is warm, kind, and intelligent. She took to Stephanie like a champ and even though she doesn’t like dogs, Flip won her over. Everything was looking up. Donna moved into my house a month ago.
Flip developed cancer and I had to take him to the vet to be put down. I’m not ashamed to say I cried almost the entire day. Stephanie too. She’s devastated.
When I told Donna she said, “Oh well, time to get a cat now so we can both enjoy a pet.”
Wtf?? I couldn’t believe what I heard. I told her my best friend died and she’s so damn dismissive. She replied that it’s just an animal, no biggie. My heart shattered all over again.
Of course Steph heard the exchange and now doesn’t want anything to do with Donna. Won’t talk to her. I made up the guest room and told Donna she’s sleeping there for a while. She got mad and is now not speaking to me.
I’m thinking of breaking up with her because she can’t see how much Flip meant to us. She seems unable to see that my emotions are valid. Flip was a dog, but more importantly he was family. She can’t see that.
Right now I’m heartbroken and exhausted and I want to sleep for a week but I needed to vent here. Thank you for reading. I appreciate you all.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Why would she want to get a cat with a mindset like this? “it’s just an animal, no biggie.” Says no cat lover ever. She’s a fraud.
This is actually the crux of the issue. She lacks empathy, which is a real red flag. It's okay to not be a dog person, but to dismiss OP's feelings so easily is alarming. Has she fooled him into believing she is someone she is not? If I were OP, I would be seriously rethinking this relationship.
Trust broken, relationship over. Best to move on.
His best friend did one last thing for OP - showed him the true colors of his girlfriend. Time to leave, Donna. Au revoir! 👋
I can see why everyone is so upset with the girlfriend, and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted to hell for saying anything in her defense, but I speak from my own experience, so tough s^%$. For anyone who doesn’t want to read it, remember, you have the option not to.
You’ve had this pet for 13 years and you’re going to miss and mourn him with the love you carried for 13 years. How long has she known him? A year?
I grew up on a farm where cats had a job, dogs had a job; damn every animal there had a purpose. Some folks viewed them as family, but not everyone. The cats that keep the mice out of the cattle’s food? One could die, and the next week there’d be 7 more. A cattle dog could die, and guess what? We’d have to get a new one. It was just life, and it needed to go on.
Well, I’m not saying her response is justified, she could have shown a little more empathy for the situation and her partners feelings. On the other hand, none of us know her background or upbringing, how she sees these things.
I’m well aware this was a pet, and his job was companionship, but it’s unfair to expect someone who previously stated they’re not much of a dog person to really care much about the animal itself. Especially, if she didn’t form a proper bond with the pet. Not really sure how to perceive your dog winning her over without more context.
No, rushing into talking about the next family pet isn’t the right thing to say. I can see how that’d hurt someone’s feeling. Is she neurodivergent? Could she have been excited to get a pet TOGETHER? I’m questioning her social skills and upbringing more than any malice behind what she said.
Before anyone comes at me about being heartless and cruel: My partner and I have 5 cats. We love them so damn much, and they’re spoiled rotten. After growing up on a farm, though, I find it’s difficult to get attached to anyone else’s pets.
Once I hear that an animal has a job, my mind almost instantly views them as livestock. It’s something I’ve been working on because I know how insensitive I can be at times, but it’s worth wondering if she had a similar experience with animals growing up.
Not neurodivergent. She’s had pet cats b4 whom she loved, so she has had experience with the loss of a pet. Her tone was so damn dismissive. I can’t get it out of my head.
I’m genuinely so sorry for the loss of your loved one. And I appreciate the clarification.
Now that you’ve painted a bit more of the picture, I agree that she doesn’t seem like a very kind, considerate, or empathetic woman. This is a time where she should be trying to comfort and console you and your daughter.
I hope you were able to bring some comfort to Stephanie after she overheard how crude Donna was. At her age, I’m sure it was really difficult to hear someone she was starting to form a new relationship and get to know talk like your puppers never mattered.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you better days moving forward.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
Thanks to all the well wishers and those who messaged for their words of support. It means a lot. For those crying fake, I hear you and understand. A lot on online seems to be bs. Thanks to all who thought to reply for both the positive and negative inputs.
Went to work for the overnight shift and my partner Tonya (worked with for 4 yrs) had a present for me: a small chocolate cake shaped like a dog bone and the Flip’s name on it. I just about lost it. Tonya is the best and a great co-worker. Her husband is a good friend, too. We talked and I showed her the post. She’s no fan of Reddit, but understands that I needed to vent.
After work I picked Steph up from school and we had a long talk in the car. I told her I was going to talk to Donna about how her words hurt us and asked if she wanted to be part of the conversation. She said no, but added that she trusted me to make the correct decision. My kid is awesome.
Sat Donna down after she came home and we had a heart to heart talk. She grew defensive and almost got up and left, but I told her if we couldn’t talk this out there was no future for us. Then I showed her the post. As she read the comments she started to cry. After a few minutes we talked and it came out that she considered Flip to be part of my “old life” that I had with Joy and that with his passing I could focus on our relationship more.
TBH, I almost lost my poop right there but managed to stay calm. Anger is a secondary emotion indicative of deeper trauma, so I kept that in mind during the conversation.
I told her that Joy and Flip will always be part of my life, just like Stephanie, and nothing can change that. I said that they are part of me and helped shaped the man I am today. If she can’t recognize that, understand my pain and feel empathy, then this relationship is doomed.
To make a long story short, she’s moving out and we are taking a break from each other for a month or two to reflect on our priorities. Not that I need that, I know my priorities, my needs and wants for a relationship. She must decide if it coincides with her’s.
That’s it. It’s late and I’m bushed. Not working tomorrow so I am going to help pack Donna’s things.
Thank you so much for your support, folks. To all those animal lovers out there: always trust your heart and may God bless and keep you.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
I’m so sorry for you and your daughter’s loss of Flip. And I am so proud of you for trusting your instincts. ❤️
I’m sorry I had a feeling it was gonna be like that. But better find it out now before she starts turning that energy onto your daughter and people like this surely do.
She has shown she will not respect your wife's passing. She was not seeking to add to your love, but to replace what was already there.
The next day OP came back with another update:
Hi. First: Steph and I are fine. We had dinner with Tonya and her husband. It was a good evening.
Donna is gone for good. After thinking it over I realized we were never going to mesh well and be healthy together. Not going to go further into that conversation.
Addressing the comment I made on anger being a secondary emotion: learned that through grief counseling. Did a lot of that to deal with the loss of my wife.
Someone said Steph sounded too mature. She’s 13, not a moron. She can be surprisingly mature when she wants, although I did have put our conversation into my own words as hers included ‘cringe’ and ‘douchenozzle’ (her favorite word these days as I don’t put up with swearing by either of us).
We will get another dog soon. No dog can replace Flip, but I want someone there with Steph when I’m not home. Gonna go for a rescue, let Steph pick them out then we’ll see where that goes.
Gonna get Tonya and her husband a gift since I leaned on them so much during this bs. She was the first to hear of the Donna situation before I posted it to Reddit.
Not gonna date for a little bit. So darn ponderous and this is all too fresh.
Thank (most) of you for your sage advice. It echoed what I was thinking, but because the pain was still fresh, my mind was jumbled. Nice to get a second opinion from people with no skin in the game. God bless you all.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Awwe. Animals are family. I never understand people who can be like this.
"Now we can both enjoy the pet." How does anyone ever say shit like this and think it could possibly end well for them ?! It's so callous, there has just got to be a disconnect im missing.
In the second year of my relationship with my then-girlfriend, my dog died. I had moved away and he lived back home with my mom. I cried when I heard the news, and my girlfriend teased me about it. I was furious and ready to end the relationship but I sat her down and calmly explained what my dog had meant to me.
She’d never had a pet and didn’t realize what he meant to me, and she was mortified and incredibly apologetic once she understood. Shortly after we adopted a dog of own own. We’ve had him for 12 years and been married for 10, and she loves that dog more than anything in the world (me included).
Good people learn and grow from their mistakes. Donna sounds like a lousy person without a shred of empathy and I’m sure OOP is in a much better place without her in his life.
Donna sounds very immature and emotionally stunted for a 39 year old. I think as you reflect, you will see the real person, who is a lot more shallow and selfish than the one you thought her to be. You will thank god you took this stand now, for both you and your daughter.