My best friend has been lying to me for 7 years. I feel like I'm in a weird soap opera.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My (28F) best friend (27M) has been lying to me for 7 years. I feel like I'm in some weird soap opera and have no clue how to end this."

I'm struggling with figuring out how to start this, so I guess I'll just start with context. I, F28, have been friends with "Blake" 28M for about 10 years now. We met when I was traveling for a new job out of state, and I kid you not immediately became best friends in the week that I was there. Same interests, great energy and conversation, we just clicked.

We were friends for nearly two years before trying the dating thing. It lasted 3 months (important), during which Blake did not treat me well due to unresolved issues from prior relationships. Before I could end it, he decided to end it himself as he had feelings for someone else. Fine with me, we were clearly better as friends.

I took some space because he hadn't been treating me well, he got into therapy and apologized for being sh**ty, and was willing to put in the work to regain my trust for our friendship. Which he did, consistently, over the 8 years since.

Fast forward to now -- I'm now happily married to my wonderful husband Kam (28M, together for 6 years, married for ~2 years). Blake and I are still best friends; he and his ex after our brief dating stint broke up.

He is now with a wonderful woman "Kaylie" (21F) for almost 2 years now (started dating a few months before my wedding, this is important). Kaylie and I are also good friends, she's the sweetest person. Blake also lives in the same city as me now after his mother passed, having moved down here for a better support network; his girlfriend moved in about 9 months ago.

In the past 6 months or so, things have been strained with Blake. My husband is very introverted, and Blake started voicing frustration about his inability to be closer friends with Kam and feeling like he bothers Kam. He and I also started having weird tiffs (kind of subtle negs/belittling comments/etc).

Then my husband and I came over to a game night for Blake's birthday 3 months ago, during which Blake picked fights with me about very weird things (for example my career path and how I'm going about it wrong, making comments like "I guess if you want to stunt yourself in life, you can do it that way," etc).

Both my Kam and I were caught very off guard, and after several attempts to shut it down, made excuses and headed home. Later, Blake proceeded to send me a text asking if I was okay bc the vibes felt off. To which I was like "uh no kidding", and explained my issue. He decided to reply with...an email (who uses email anymore???).

Eight long paragraphs about how he felt he and his experience/knowledge was dismissed in our discussion, how he felt ganged up on when Kam would defend my side, and how he felt like he can't be himself around me and Kam anymore.

He also made comments voicing that he didn't feel like he could trust me bc I tell Kam everything (not true, I always ask before sharing unless it's a danger or moral issue) and that he thinks I'm unhealthily codependent on Kam because whenever Blake and I hang out 1x1 I'm always calling to let Kam know how late I'll be out or check if I'm cool to pick up takeout (we're married with joint finances, sue me?).

I replied trying to clarify my end as well as understand where the everloving hell this all was coming from, but no matter how many times I tried, we kept going in circles. The emailing back and forth, during which he demanded we not meet up till this was resolved, lasted till about 2 weeks ago, when I said I needed time to think about how to reply next.

About a month ago I got into therapy bc it was seriously messing with my head and making me feel like I was a problem and like I couldn't talk to anyone about this bc we share much of our support system. I finally broke down to my sister when she came over to see why I hadn't been answering her (or really anyone, yay anxiety) lately.

She is also friends with Blake through me. I let her read the emails, and she got pretty ticked on my behalf, and then proceeded to drop a helluva bombshell on me and Kam: Blake is APPARENTLY "still in love with me" and hates Kam's guts.

Apparently, when she drove to pick up Blake out of state for our wedding (he was a groomsman) he "confided" in her and her husband that he didn't agree with the wedding and wished I would break up with Kam and give him another chance. That we're soulmates and Kam isn't the one for me. Blake has heard me talk since day one about how happy Kam makes me and how safe and loved I feel with him.

My sister shut it down, but, EVEN BETTER, Blake proceeded to do the same thing when she drove him back home after our wedding! He ended off saying he just needed some time, so my sister kept her mouth shut bc she knew that he's my best friend and hoped she could trust him to resolve it over time since he lived far away.

Blake then moved near me about a year ago, and Kaylie moved in the August after. My husband's and my wedding anniversary is in October, and apparently Blake called my sister's husband to, AGAIN, confide that he's still in love with me and wishes I would divorce Kam bc he would be a better husband to me. While LIVING with Kaylie, who he's told me is his soulmate.

This was about when all the stress started, so she never found a good moment to bring it up.

As if to ice the cake, Kaylie and I have been keeping up via text thru all this (again, we're friends). During the past few weeks, I learned some odd things:

• Kaylie got new piercings, reportedly encouraged by Blake to do so bc "she'd look so cute": a double nose piercing and septum, which possibly coincidentally Blake took me to get as a post-wedding gift two years ago.

• Blake apparently "has beef with" the month of August and so has decided their anniversary will be in October. The reason he gave was because "it's spooky month", but Kam and I started dating AND got married that month.

I also, at my sister's prompt, went back and checked when Blake and I broke up -- August 2017. Again, possibly coincidental, but feels very odd as I don't know why else he would have an issue with that month.

It's also worth noting Blake had another relationship fall apart because the girl was outright convinced Blake was cheating on her with me to the point of blasting me for weeks as some homewrecker. Kam and I always chalked it up to her insecurity, but now I'm wondering if she was just watching Blake carry on some weird, one-sided emotional affair.

I love my husband more than words can say, and he makes me happier than anyone I've ever met -- he's my ultimate best friend. Learning all this has made me feel so gross and like a horrible wife, though Kam has been wonderfully supportive and doesn't blame me at all.

All this to say, I'm ending our friendship, but have no clue how. I feel like I have to tell Kaylie as this has all happened during their relationship and living together and the woman deserves the world, but also recognize I have no real proof beyond spoken accounts besides the weird emails -- it sounds like some wild conspiracy theory or soap opera.

My therapist is on vacation so I'm on my own after learning all this. I'm also realizing just how manipulative Blake has been for YEARS given this context, and already feel shaky about confronting him given my serious confrontation anxiety, which he knows about and could easily try to exploit.

I'm realizing more and more that he has massive control issues that I dismissed as anxiety for years. The fact that he lives so close now fills me with dread rather than joy. I want to come out of this with no regrets, knowing I stood up for myself, and that I put a decisive end to this.

I want Blake to know his actions and creepy ulterior motives are the reason our decade long friendship is dead. I've never ended a friendship myself (also a bit of an introvert), and this is basically friend-breakup on steroids.

How do I break this lunacy to Kaylie in a way that sounds remotely believeable given the front Blake has built? I also would love some advice on how to go about telling Blake I know everything and we're absolutely done.

Editor's note: the original post was removed and archived, so comments are no longer available.

Not long after posting, OP shared a clarifying edit.

So, I'm working right now and not replying to other comments till later due to time constraints, but thought some clarifications could do well given this comment.

1. There is no s#xual past. Blake and I did not sleep together, again this was only a 3 month relationship. Not everyone "hooks up", the most we ever did was kiss a few times upon visiting due to long distance, and again, this was 8 years ago.

2) This isn't the only friend I've briefly dated that I'm still in touch with. Hell, Kam actually DOES have close friend that he also dated back when he was in college for about 6 months as well; she and I are really close as well, and Kam and I are godparents to her child.

Genuinely, both of us are very secure in our relationship and don't take issue with it. We're also both into all genders, so opposite sex doesn't really mean much to us for friendships. It's all just people.

3) My sister and I are in talks over this, I didn't feel it relevant to include in post but will here. I let her know how upset I was over her keeping this from me, and she broke down apologizing for it and recognizes she messed up.

She also has severe anxiety, and thought it had resolved until the second time Blake reached out to her husband, during which time she was going through a lot herself personally. She was intending to tell me next we spoke around the time I fell off communicating from the stress of it all. We're working thru this separately.

As for your summary, having gotten a restraining order on a different ex, its not very easy to get one. I will definitely if I have to, but jumping straight to that doesn't seem feasible. The cop scare tactic is definitely not a bad idea to keep in my pocket though, thank you.

As for your frankly polarizing view on myself and my marriage, I didn't come here to ask for advice or opinions on my marriage. My husband has been amazing and very adamant that I know he is mad at Blake for being a creepy lying jerk and not me.

He knows full well that I have eyes only for him and never once doubted that before nor after all this. You can think whatever you want of me or my marriage, but I did want to throw that out there.

The feeling like a terrible wife I mentioned is because I feel like I've been blind this whole time, especially as I fully acknowledge how cliche this all sounds. Whether that's true or not, I know my marriage is solid and secure, and I in no way "spat" in anyone's face.

The next day, OP shared a major update.

Well, I was definitely not expecting to be making an update/follow up post when I made my original post. I did decide to delete the original post, largely to protect my peace as it was surprisingly anxiety-inducing to have half a million views on one of the most surreal moments of my life.

For those who didn't see, TLDR (as best as I can, at least): I, 28F, am married to my husband "Kam" (28M) for about two years, together for 6. "Blake" (27M) and I have been best friends for about 10 years.

Eight years ago, Blake and I briefly tried the dating thing for about 3 months before things ended, overall due to Blake being toxic/not treating me well and his having feelings for someone else. We stepped back from each other but wanted to remain friends, Blake went to therapy, apologized for how things went with us and how he treated me, and committed to working on being a better friend.

He outwardly did so in the years following, and we maintained our friendship. Blake is now with "Kaylie" (21F), for almost 2 years. Recently Blake and I started having weird little tiffs, and when Kam and I went to Blake's birthday game night, Blake started criticizing me during our conversations over very weird things, such as my career and how I'm going about it, etc.

After Kam and I left, I got a text from Blake asking why the vibes were off, and I voiced the issue. Blake responded with a long email about how he felt dismissed, tread on, disrespected, etc.

This turns into nearly 4 months of emailing back and forth and self isolation from the anxiety of it all, during which I started therapy. I finally talked to my sister about it, who revealed that on the way to and from my wedding Blake had told her that he was still in love with me, disagreed with the marriage, and wished I'd give him another chance, etc.

He then said he just needed time to process, so my sister didn't disclose this to me when it happened, thinking he'd move on (she agrees this was not the best move, but we're okay). She then discloses that Blake did the same thing on my wedding anniversary in October, reaching out to her husband with the same "concerns."

She was going to tell me at the time, but life blew up (as life does). By the time she was able to do so, I wasn't talking to much of anyone. When she told me and Kam this, in addition to other sketchy details I recently learned from Kaylie, I immediately knew I was ending the friendship because he clearly saw us as or wanted something more.

For those concerned about my husband in all this: Kam knew about my and Blake's dating stint from the start. Kam also has friends who he has similarly dated -- this is not an issue for us (despite the internet's objections) and he has been aware and involved in everything that's happened, both in my OG post and this update and beyond.

My husband found y'all's negative comments absolutely hilarious, and told me to tell any who are concerned "I love and trust my wife and if someone has an issue with it, that's a you problem, bucko."

Now that that's aside...the update:

I decided to talk to Kaylie after all. I asked to meet up and treated her to coffee and pastries, and then disclosed everything I knew. She listened, even reaching over to hold my hand when she saw me shaking, and thanked me for telling her.

In short, she has decided to stay with Blake for now, but is moving forward with this in mind -- as is her right to decide. She wants to stay friends with me, and fully understands that I want nothing to do with Blake and why (as well as to not share any info about me with him), and that there'll be some distance for a bit.

This is where y'all might yell at me...but I did confront Blake in person. This was mostly due to the fact that I wanted to get it out of the way right after talking to Kaylie without raising alarm bells, and meeting up under the guise of talking it out in person was the easiest way to do that.

My husband went with me, though the conversation was just between Blake and myself. I took several safety precautions as well, such as secretly recording the interaction. Initially, Blake started in on classic DARVO, saying he didn't remember saying those things to my sister etc, and then remembered certain things but "in different contexts". He even tried spinning it back on me several times.

I shut all that down as well as any excuses/justifications given, and firmly landed my point that regardless of intent or reasoning, his actions are wildly inappropriate and inexcusable. After dismantling enough of the excuses, he actually offered several apologies owning up to his actions. Whether he meant them or not, I don't know nor care, but it was semi-cathartic for sure.

He insists everything with Kaylie is coincidental, but either way that is between them at this point. The conversation ended with him saying he didn't want to lose our friendship. That he was willing to take a friendship break for a bit, establish better/firmer boundaries. That he feels he's in a better place to be more honest.

That now, he was aware of the issue and would pay more care in not breaking my boundaries. I shut him down, saying that ship sailed long ago, and it shouldn't have to take me saying "I'm done" for him to put effort into respecting me. He then said he'd respect my decision to end our friendship, but begged me to at least keep an open mind at possible future reconciliation.

I was pretty much done at this point and told him flat out that these are the consequences of his own actions, that I can never trust anything he says or does ever again, and that even IF in some alternate universe I was open to that, he would be an acquaintance, and certainly would never ever be my best or even close friend again.

He went quiet and teary-eyed after this, I assume because he knew things were coming to a close. I stood up, he asked me for one last hug. I said no, reached out to shake his hand, and left without looking back. Which felt kind of badass...until I got down the block and round the corner and had the panic attack that had been looming all day lol. Win some, lose some.

Overall though, I think this went as well as it could have. I'm not letting my guard down yet, juuuuuuust in case, but it's a relief that it's finally (seemingly) resolved. Admittedly, I'm not doing....great, but I know I will be okay.

Kam helped me realize I'm basically mourning the death of a decade-long friend; while Blake himself may not be dead, the Blake I knew is, so I'm trying to give myself some grace in processing through this. Kam has decided tonight is reserved for tacos, cake, and video games together for some dopamine, and we're both calling into work tomorrow after this chaos. 😂.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

dheffe01 wrote:

Block him and don't look back.

OP responded:

I very much did. The funniest thing is I was almost starting to feel a little bad afterwards; he verbally acknowledged and took accountability for much of what happened by the end of the conversation, and while I wasn't regretting my decision, I was feeling a bit guilty for going scorched earth that fast and wondered if things could have improved had I not.

Until I got an email this morning bc the jerk made a whole new email account to reach out to me from because "he figured I blocked him but he had some things to say."

I opened it out of curiosity, and it's (I s#$t you not) 12 paragraphs about "his side of the story". During which he tried to explain/DARVO/gaslight it all away, said things he already admitted to and apologized for never happened, that he was never in love with me in the first place so he wouldn't say that, etc.

Everything directly counteracts every apology or admission of guilt during our (recorded lol) conversation, so I know damn well he's not actually sorry or remotely grown from that confrontation. Really reinforced my decision for me lmfao. 😂.

Historical_Agent9426 wrote:

Do not be surprised if he starts to stalk you and/or reaches out to friends about how worried he is about your 1) mental health or 2) Kam’s treatment of you.

OP responded:

I'm not as worried about these, at least the latter with reaching out to my friends. My friends know full well that our relationship is healthy as hell (even my therapist has commented that it's one of the healthiest relationships she's ever seen, which is a nice lil brag ngl considering the crap I've been through in life lol), and I genuinely think they'd reach out to me before putting any stock in anything he could think of.

We're kinda the "parent friends" of our social circle lol (no kids, we just tend to love and care for our people, esp when in need). But regardless, I'm prepared if it does come to that. Especially after that email, I'm in the FAFO stage.

Select-Government680 wrote:

You are a bada$$! As someone who has panic attacks, don't be ashamed of yourself. I'm so glad you updated because I really wanted to know that you and Kaylie were gonna be okay.

You handled this in the way that was best for you and your life, and that's all that matters. Wishing you the best, and I really hope you and Kam have a beautiful future together! Tell him that at least this internet stranger thinks he's a really good partner ❤️.

Unlikely_Put_2264 wrote:

What she did is so awesome! I am very, very awful at enforcing boundaries and can never bring myself to cut people off. I need to take a lesson from this. Also...I have totally platonic friendships with exes. It really is possible. We look at each other like siblings. Your husband is right. It's a them problem if they don't understand

OP responded:

This was definitely some new territory for me lol, I've never ended a friendship before or cut someone off like that, let alone in a situation this utterly insane. Thank you so much. 🩵

doctor_expendable wrote:

I always wonder what these guys are thinking. Like surely after the wedding, or really anything after the initial break up is a good indicator you're not into him? And his plan was to just hang out until you decided to be with him?

OP responded:

I think to some degree, I'm always going to wonder what the hell was going through his head. His justification was that watching me get married was like watching "our" chapter close and mourning that "what if" possibility of a future with us die, and that reminders of that hurt. To which I was like "uh that chapter/"what if" died about 6 years before my wedding when we broke up, for God's sake."

Even better, he tried to spin it back on me for "leading him on" and "giving him indicators that I'm still interested". I demanded examples (because wtf) and the only one he could provide was a story he literally made up about me saying if I was polyamorous he would be first on my list outside Kam.

Which I KNOW is made up because a) while I respect and hold no issue with poly peeps, I do not and will never want that for myself even hypothetically -- hard line, and b) I haven't held a scrap of romantic interest in Blake for nearly a decade; the b-stard was like a brother to me at this point.

After I debunked that, the best answer I got was that it was "the vibes", whatever that means. The mental gymnastics are insane...

Asparagusfeeling4225 wrote:

I’m so sorry I lost a guy friend a few years ago. I’m in my 40’s and had known him since high school was on the phone with him and he started talking about wanting to sleep with me and when I turned him down he mentioned SAing me. I hung up and blocked him and was thankful we live in different states.

OP responded:

Oh HELL no, I'm glad he's cut out and you're safe! As a survivor of SA that would have sent me to a whole new level of scorched earth. I'm glad you're safe, and I'm so sorry you were treated like that by someone you trusted for so long. 🩵

Eyupmeduck1989 wrote:

Sounds like you were really true to yourself and your values with how you handled this. I’m sorry he pulled the wool over your eyes for so long - that level of betrayal will be tough to move on from. I’m glad you have such a supportive network around you.

OP responded:

Yeahhhhh let's just say my already present trust issues are definitely now a bit more intense. This is definitely going to be a fun therapy topic for a bit. 😂 I'm trying to look at it as a good lesson to have learned, and a big step in cutting toxicity out of my life for a better future. 🩵