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'My best friend might be in love with my husband. Where do I go from here?' UPDATED 8X

'My best friend might be in love with my husband. Where do I go from here?' UPDATED 8X

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If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it just may be a duck.

This unfortunately applies to a lot of situations in life.

"My (26f) best friend (23f) might be in love with my husband (26m). Where do I go from here?"

My husband and I have been together since we were young teenagers. We got married last year and have a six month old daughter together. She is the light of both our lives as we both came from broken homes and want a better life than we lived growing up. My best friend came a few years later. We used to live in the same neighborhood and casually began to hang out.

She lives with both her parents and siblings as she is studying to get her bachelor's degree. At first, she didn't like my husband. Said that he was clingy and tried to insert himself into our friendship. (WTF?) She was civil to him because he was my romantic partner.

For context, my husband is bipolar type 2, autism and PTSD and it causes him to be a little socially awkward and miss certain social cues and taboos. I love him regardless of it all. Over the last few years, we have been hanging out a lot more. She comes over for a few drinks, we go to movies, and even visit local attractions together.

We all three have a good time, and my husband does try to make nights for just the two of us often, too. However, last year my husband and I found out we were expecting a child together in January. I was working and fell ill because at the time, I was working a fast food place. I threw up and went to the doctor. Come to find out, I was eight and half weeks pregnant.

My life changed and I had become more busy to get myself ready for motherhood. My best friend saw me less and less and we couldn't talk as much. My husband I got married almost month and half after discovering we were going to become parents. That's when our dynamic changed. Recently I applied to school and am currently in college trying to get a law degree so I can become a paralegal and get to law school.

I'm also a stay-at-home mom while doing college, too. I've been super busy. One day my husband gets a text, and it's from my best friend. She asks if they can talk, as she was upset. He took the phone call with me protesting and a few minutes later said, "Sandra (fake name), we need to go get Karla (fake name). Her father is picking a fight with her."

I get upset as we were watching a movie together and I had just gotten the baby down for bed. We go to her house, which is about twenty minutes away and she stays with us for a night. As I get our daughter back down to bed, Karla asks to cuddle with the two of us in our bed. I was hesitant. I have issues with claustrophobia due to trauma as a child. My husband gave the go ahead.

We settle in for the night. Karla's dad apologized and she heads back home. Once she was gone, I blew up on my husband. What he did did not only inappropriate, but was disrespectful to my boundaries. Ever since, when she has an issue with her dad, she calls my husband and vents. One day, while my in-laws were staying with us, my MIL overheard a convo with my hubby and Karla.

She was concerned and asked me if I was okay with it. I said, "No, not really, but every time I bring it up, he gets defensive, saying that she needs help. That she is going through a hard time. Blah blah blah." It is important to note that my MIL was cheated on in the past by her ex, my husband's father. We are also extremely close, and she sees me as a daughter.

She hates cheaters with a passion, and my husband (who I will refer to as James) was using the same excuses his father did. She asked to speak to him privately and walked to our living room. They got into a heated match and James apologized to me. He said he didn't know that it was hurting me and causing issues in our marriage.

I asked him, "How would he feel if I had asked him if another man could sleep in the bed with us?" He kind of deflated and tried to say, "It's different. Blah blah blah." His stepfather, Mark (fake name) spoke up and said, "It is the same. You're uncomfortable with it. So is she. Quit with the excuses." James respects Mark quite a lot actually.

Mark raised him since he was 8 and his own father was in and out of the picture. Once the dust settles, my husband truly apologized to me for his actions and said that he would do better. I kissed him and that was that. However, I wouldn't be right here if that was the end of the issues. Lately, Karla has been calling him three to eight times a day.

She says it's because she is bored and has no one else to talk to. I snap. I call him out over the nonchalance about the situation, how when she calls, he answers, how it is making me feel like a third wheel in my marriage, etc. His response? "She's just lonely. You're letting it get to you." That night I slept in the living room. I'm starting to suspect that she is trying to monopolize his time.

She calls him for over an hour each time he calls, they talk, she complains about her life, etc. Almost like she is his girlfriend or something. I am starting to find this relationship troubling. It's getting to the point that it is affecting my marriage. Where do I go from here? Any advice would be appreciated.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Aggravating-Owl-8974 wrote:

You’ve set your boundaries and he continues to cross them. Is this how you want your marriage to be? She won’t stop as long as your husband responds to her every time.

OP responded:

You're right. I have issues standing up for myself.

Individual_Noise_366 responded:

You're standing up for yourself, your husband is not respecting you. You need to be open with your husband and tell him that his behavior is leading to the end of this relationship. If he tries the "She's lonely and you're just jealous" you answer that she's lonely because she prefer to seek the attention of her husband's best friend.

Let him know you're jealous because he's given more importance to another woman comfort over yours, his wife and mother of his children. He being autistic is not a excuse here, he have difficulty with social clues not with knowing what is right or wrong.

It's not unknown to a person in a committed relationship to develop a crush on someone, what they do about that crush is what matters. Your husband instead of cut her of his life and putting effort into the marriage is letting his feelings for her grow and become a emotional affair.

Zealousideal_Oil8922 wrote:

Does he not understand how badly that reflects on him that he is unwilling to explain his actions to his own wife seeing the pain and distress you are in regarding this situation? Or does he simply not care because he has feelings for her?

Imo, if there was no cheating involved he could have reassured you about that but explained what was going on with Karla was a personal matter that she needed to share with you herself.

OP responded:

Sometimes he thinks I am too emotional. I have PTSD and BPD and he doesn't understand my disorder. He doesn't understand that I feel things intensely or passionately or that it is super easy to hurt my feelings. He never even tries to understand me, autism or not. Honestly I'm considering cutting my losses and going through divorce anyway. It's not worth the emotional anguish he put me through each day.

Not long after posting, OP shared a handful of updates.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm going to have a talk with him, with his mom involved. He won't listen to me if I don't. I'm tired of fighting him over this. I should have an update with a resolution in a couple days. I'm going to read everyone's responses more thoroughly. Thanks for the advice.

Edit #2: My husband and I had a sit down talk. His mother and stepfather weren't available. He promised me that he would explain everything in detail. I called Karla and she said that we could talk Friday when she wasn't busy with school. She had something she needed to air out. I will have an update on Friday, hopefully...

Edit #3: I woke up to a text from Karla this morning. She actually wants to talk to me tonight, alone, as her schedule has changed We are going to have a heart to heart. Hopefully I will have some news.

Edit #4: I need some time. I will post an update later on. My heart is hurting. Hubby and I are getting a divorce. Thank you for understanding, everybody! 💔

And the questions and comments kept flowing in.

[deleted] wrote:

This is on your husband entertaining her like that. You can be mad at Karla, but it’s on him to say no. Having this situation with a neighbor makes it doubly hard.

OP responded:

I meant to clarify. She used to be a neighbor. I moved away at nineteen for personal reasons.

Primary_Criticism929 wrote:

So I'm with you on her probably having feelings for him. But let's be honest here, your husband is at the very least having an emotional affair with that woman. Bipolar, autism, PTSD... don't excuse the fact that he was cool with another woman sleeping in your marital bed. This was weird as f*ck and I still don't understand how you just didn't say no.

Your husband is CHOOSING to answer her phone calls. He is the one affecting your marriage with his shitty behaviour. Your MIL saw it. Her husband saw it. Anybody with some sense can see it. I think he can see it, and that he likes the attention he's getting from her and he likes that you're "jealous" (which you are not being) of this new friendship.

If I were you, I'd sit down with him and I'd be clear about how inapropriate him answering her 3 to 8 calls a day when he has a wife and a child. That they can be friends, but that she's taking way too much space into our lives.

That if he does not limit his interactions with her and keeps making her a priority, you will be moving out with your kid. That you want couple's counseling, and that if he does not agree than he can find himself a divorce attorney. Again, she's an issue, but she's not your issue. Your husband is.

Sheshcoco responded:

Agree with all of this except the bit where they can still be friends. They both need to cut Karla off. Her intentions are not good. She wants more than a friendship with the husband and she’s certainly no friend to OP.

BulkyCaterpillar4240 wrote:

Cuddling in bed together? WTF? Give your husband a choice: either he cuts contact for good with her, changed his number or the marriage is over. OP you need to grow a spine and set firm boundaries, block this so call girlfriend permanently. Your husband has a choice: his family or that sleezy so called friend.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

This update is hard. Everything about this situation sucks and I don't know if I will be okay for some time. Baby and I are currently staying with my friend, Tanya, To start, James and I are getting a divorce. Karla is no longer a friend to me or our mutuals. The betrayal is too deep for her to be friends with our group. As most of you assumed, James and Karla are indeed having an affair.

It started about three months ago and just turned physical one month ago. They were planning on just up and leaving after James served me divorce papers. They used the ruse that he was helping her through emotional issues to hide the fact. I was crushed. She wanted to clear the air before it got worse. That was when she dropped a huge bombshell.

James was going to try and get me to terminate my rights to my child in order for Karla to adopt her. The reason? My borderline diagnosis a few years ago made me unfit to be a mother and he was sure that the courts would agree. She then handed me two separate stacks of paperwork and left. I am contacting a lawyer as I am writing this. I was seriously hurt. You guys were right.

Karla was a snake and only told me this so she wouldn't feel guilty. However, I am not letting my soon-to-be- ex-husband bully me into termination of my rights. I called him afterwards and got very heated about what was going on. James just sat there in silence. I was crying afterwards. I pleaded with him to tell me what I did wrong.

For a little bit of backstory: I had a near-fatal complication with my delivery of our daughter where I bled my entire labor. I had to have two blood transfusions and haven't fully recovered from it. I was not cleared for any extranuous activity for three months, including s*xual activity. James was getting unsatisfied with all my doctor's appointments and not getting the s*x that he wanted.

I was hurting and ended up needing another procedure to remove some placenta that didn't naturally come out. I had to have my tubes tied because if I have another child, it will kill me next time. James wanted at least two more kids and this put an end to his plans. I married a monster. We were together since we were 15 and this is how he repays me? I thought I knew him. He was acting so caring and nice to me.

I am absolutely heartbroken. I'm not even sure if I am going to update this anymore, but if I do, it'll be after the divorce settles. Thanks for all your concern. I'm going to step back and take some time to adjust. There is no chance for a healthy co-parenting situation. I'm fighting for primary custody with supervised visits.

Karla will not have any access to baby, as I will ask the judge to make a clause preventing her from interacting with my daughter. Thanks for all the advice!

Edit: I forgot to add that I contacted his mother and Mark this morning. They are furious that James is doing this to me. They are helping me foot the cost of a lawyer because I'm a stay-at-home mom and college student. They have kicked James out and he is now staying at our old house with Karla.

He did give me the courtesy to get my stuff and didn't put up a fuss about me taking what I wanted. He told me that he will keep in contact for divorce proceedings.

The internet had a lot of questions about the situation.

FragilousSpectunkery wrote:

Why did YOU leave? He's the ah. He's the one that gets to leave.

OP responded:

It's his house. Inheritance. He only let me stay as a courtesy. His parents didn't know the full story, but now that they do, he overstayed his welcome. They are so angry. I'm not sure if his relationship with his mom or stepdad are salvageable.

MissJoey78 wrote:

What stands out is he’s threatening to use her Bipolar status against her despite being a parent with bipolar type 2, autism, and PTSD?!?

Lmao dude is evil AND inept.

OP responded:

I didn't say he was smart, did I? But with me having no financial way to support my child or a stable home, he has slightly better odds. I'm still in contact with his mom and stepfather. I'm hoping they will give me a place at their house for the time being. I feel like I am being intrusive at Tanya's home.

West-Adhesiveness555 wrote:

I'm sorry you are going through this situation. As people say: trust, but verify. You are relying on his parents, but be aware that they are his parents. You need to have a support system that don’t include them.

OP responded:

I have no one else. My family turned their backs on me. I have no family members who can help.

nopeappotamus wrote:

I am so sorry. I hope for the best and brightest future ahead for you, as well as an excellent lawyer. May your STBX and his dream snake be dumb enough to answer the door when Karma comes knocking.

A month later, OP shared another update.

Sorry I have been radio silent. I spoke to a lawyer who is helping me at a reduced rate. My in-laws are helping me foot the cost of a lawyer against their wayward son. With all the info that I have, including some threatening texts from Karla and James, I have decided to file for a protection order. They were even stupid enough to send me a text that pretty much confirmed the blackmail.

I intend to use this to my advantage in the upcoming divorce proceedings as evidence of emotional ab*se. John has continued to maintain that I need to terminate my rights to our daughter so that he can run away with Karla, but I shut that s**t down. My little girl is the light of my life and my only chance to be a mom, which is something I have always wanted to do.

I finally got a clean bill of health from my doctor after months of dealing with Post-natal complications. Needless to say, no more babies for me. I could die if I get pregnant again. I go to court Friday for our divorce proceedings. We have a mediator that my lawyer is speaking to directly for me so I don't have to deal with James's b*lly tactics.

My lawyer is a no-nonsense of kind of man and I like that about him. My in-laws have decided to cut ties with James after this. He openly disrespected them for giving me a place to stay after I was kicked from the house and the threats. The emotional anguish he has been putting me through has been too much. They've always saw me as their own daughter and has treated me as such.

They are just as angry at James for his involvement in all this as I am. That's why they decided to foot the cost of a lawyer since I was a stay at home mom. My therapist has upped my therapy sessions to three times a week. I was also formally diagnosed with DID recently, which only came out when I blacked out in a therapy session.

My therapist and psychiatrist have been communicating and have suspected for a while that I have it, but got confirmed after my recent development in therapy. I haven't told James this, and never intend to. My MIL does know and has been my rock through all of this.

As for the commenters on RA that say that I moved too quickly out of the house for it to seem real, I have one thing to say: I have very little and had to go back and grab the baby's stuff. My STBX and Karla have went on a weekend getaway to my dream location, which I knew they did to hurt me even more.

The pics were sent to me by my current friend who gave me a place for a few days before my in-laws gave me a place in their home. Baby girl is adjusting to life without her daddy around all the time. She is super fussy most of the time and I am sure she misses having him around. It breaks my heart to pieces..💔 That's all that I have for you right now. I will have another full update on Friday.

The internet was deeply invested.

whatashame_13 wrote:

Is he asking to see the baby? Is he paying child support?

OP responded:

Nope. If the baby needs anything, his mom and stepdad pay for it. He is refusing to do anything for her unless I voluntarily terminate my rights.

catsrsupscute wrote:

It’s disgusting how determined they are to hurt you. at this point it feels like it’s something they “bond” over which makes me think that once you get over all of this and they realize they won’t be able to hurt you anymore their relationship will wither away. anyway, sending love and courage your way xx

PanicConsistent9656 wrote:

I thought the same thing! Nothing bonds people together like mutual hate. Once OP moves on and is far away from their ab*se, they're going to crumble like a castle of cards in a rock slide.

OP, I'm so glad your in-laws have your back! They're rock stars for that! I hope you and your baby stay safe! Here's to hoping for good news soon and that you're finally free from all of their madness.

Akira_Reviews wrote:

Whatever you plan to use against your husband in court, don't post all your plans here in the event your POS husband and mistress finds this post. Have you considered suing Karla for alienation?

OP shared another update five days later.

I have some great news. Baby girl is safe with me. My lawyer pulled through for me and my ex wants this divorce to be over with as soon as possible.

First of all, I got full custody of my daughter with supervised visitation from ex. His own words came back to haunt him. I had proof of all his threats and the blackmail of him trying to get me to sign away my rights, and the judge wasn't happy. He tore into James and Karla about their behavior and how they tried to blackmail me and how they were lucky that I didn't press charges for extortion.

Because of their bad behavior, he told them that he couldn't in conscience do shared custody because of the evidence of their behavior towards me. He was also worried that they would try to run off with her. Next up, because of all the behavior and aggression towards me that was unwarranted, my protection order was granted.

My MIL, who stayed beside me in court, is the one who volunteered to facilitate the supervised visits until my divorce becomes final. If Karla and James try to contact me again, unless it is strictly about our daughter, then they both will go to jail. James has to pay me child support. Of course he tried to protest it, but it wasn't happening.

Lastly, after court James said something that kind of broke my heart about our daughter. If he can't have primary custody, then he is going to petition to terminate his rights. He doesn't want to be tied to me anymore and is willing to let my daughter suffer for it. So my daughter just pretty much lost her father because he would rather break away from me and pretend that I don't exist.

I have some additional information from Karla that she said to me afterwards; apparently she is infertile due to an illness she suffered from as a teenager. She wanted a baby so bad and to get me out of the picture so that they could play happy family with my daughter. I was stunned.

She then asked me if I was happy for tearing their family apart. I had to look at her for a second. SHE tore MY family apart. I wanted to slap her so bad. Because of her, my daughter is probably going to lose her father. I'm sad. That all that I have for you. My next update will probably when the divorce finally happens. Thanks for reading this.

The internet was fully in OP's corner.

catsrsupcute wrote:

So he’s leaving you-because you can’t give him anymore kids-for…an infertile woman? I had my suspicions she was infertile because wanting a baby this bad is just insane, but is he thinking straight? I can’t tell if this man is going through a manic episode, is a sadistic narcissist or just plain f#$king stupid and has been doubling down to not seem like it.

Regardless, you don’t have to deal with him anymore and I know it might seem hard at first, but you and your daughter are better off without him. If it makes you feel any better, I doubt they’ll stay together and karma will get the both of them. Also you’re wayyyy better than I am, because the way I would’ve purposefully laughed in her face after she revealed her infertility…yikes.

(if someone can answer for me rq: would he still have to pay child support if he petitions to sign away his parental rights or can a judge still force him to pay? otherwise, it seems like a cheap cop out on his part, if you ask me.)

OP responded:

I genuinely think it's a really bad manic episode. His behavior is erratic and downright confusing. I think it really was a cop out and he got tired of no s*x. She was talking about surrogacy with her own eggs. (Her family has money, whereas I don't have a relationship with my bio family and the issue affected her uterus.)

I'm going to talk to his mom about getting him involuntarily committed. I'm still his legal wife on paper, so I can call for a welfare check on him. That's about all I can do until I talk to my lawyer.

HellowDie_Di72 wrote:

Right from the start I didn't understand this man's logic. He started cheating on you because you were taking too long to recover from your difficult birth. Then he decided to leave you for Karla because you couldn't give him any more children due to the complications of giving birth.

Now he's prepared to lose his daughter to a woman who, in the end, is sterile and will never be able to give him children? Some people think with their feet.

I'm glad you got full custody of your daughter, it was your most important battle, now focus on her no matter what James decides. Tell yourself that even if he decides later not to assume his rights as a father, your little girl won't lack love. She has her mother, her grandmother and all the others who support you.

Zai4aj wrote:

On one hand I'm so happy that you have full custody of your daughter, but I'm so very sorry that your ex-friend and stbxh decided to deceive, manipulate, and terrorize you for their heinous decisions and actions. I'm sure their relationship won't last long, and they both will want to come crawling back, begging for forgiveness and blaming each other.

Karla seems unstable and jealous of you to the point that she manipulated your sad, weak husband in a few months to leave you, be with her and steal your child for her! That's wicked. They are both wicked. Thank goodness for the order against them! I hope that you're able to stay strong and find true happiness moving forward with your little girl.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

This update is heavy. Court was on Friday and I was waiting for the dust to settle before I posted two days ago. My stbx-husband has been hospitalized. Karla called me this morning, crying despite the order. James tried to commit s**cide this morning, and she found him just in time. He tried to OD on his prescriptions and now he is in the hospital.

The doctors don't know how long he will be there, but I will keep my hopes up for a speedy recovery. Despite the literal hell he has put me through, he is still the father of my daughter. I'm not pressing charges this time against Karla because it was a dire emergency. James is stable and they are transferring him to another facility for the foreseeable future. I feel almost sorry for her.

I don't know when I will be able to update again. I have a lot to deal with and emergency care to plan for. Please keep me in your thoughts as I navigate this difficult situation. Thank you. 💔

The comments came rolling in.

Visible-Arachnid8790 wrote:

Why did he commit s**cide?

OP responded:

Bad manic episode. My husband is bipolar and I guess everything got to him too much and he spiralled, hard.

He is alive, but hospitalized.

Sea-Falcon-6063 responded:

I don’t want to sound mean but this is not a new tactic, and it’s usually manipulative in nature. It’s a ploy to suck you back in and get your emotions all worked up, to cause you to doubt the decisions you’ve made thus far. Please go back and read all the posts you’ve made and rewind in your mind every thing he has put you through up to this point.

Remind yourself this is all his doing and he’s trying to hurt you still. Don’t waver, continue with your divorce, keep your RO in place. Distance yourself and let Karla and his family handle this. Don’t allow yourself to be played.

A_Lion42 wrote:

For the love of god, this may sound cruel but please do not delay the divorce or even entertain the thought of getting back together with this man. And be careful how involved you get, if you ignore the protective order now, it could get wayyyy harder to get another one against them in the future.

ravenlyran wrote:

I was NOT expecting this update. But know this, this ISN’T your fault. He chose to do this. You need to continue with the divorce, but you’re showing a lot of grace in still trying to help him though. Don’t burn yourself up to keep someone else warm, maintain your boundaries with his family, with him and ESPECIALLY Karla. The honeymoon phase is over for Karla.

Hopefully, OP is able to move forward into a much more peaceful season.

Sources: Reddit
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