'My best friend pretended to be my friend for years just to sleep with me.'

"My best friend pretended to be my friend for years just to sleep with me."

We met in college while living in the same shared house. The rent was cheap and everyone was broke, so about 15 men and women lived there.

It was honestly a hellscape, the house was dirty and poorly maintained. But the people were nice and I made some really good friends there.

One of them was Mike. I didn’t feel a romantic connection, so I wasn’t interested in him that way. Still, since we lived together and attended the same college, we spent a lot of time together, grew close, and eventually became best friends.

Over the next five years, we both dated other people and were always comfortable talking openly about our relationships. Mike never behaved inappropriately towards me and never crossed boundaries with his gfs. He was loyal, respectful and a genuinely a good person. That said, there were two moments when he showed romantic interest. When we first met, he flirted with me once, but I didn't reciprocate.

Later, after I ended a two-year relationship - about four years into our friendship - he flirted with me once again. This time, I turned him down more firmly. I wasn't unkind, but I wanted to be very clear so there would be no false hope or confusion. That two-year relationship breakup was very difficult, and I needed a lot of therapy afterward.

Honestly, that was the main reason I turned Mike down, I had just come out of a bad relationship and I didn't want to jump into another one. That wouldn't be smart or healthy. That was over one year ago. I have been single for quite some time now and haven't been casually dating either. I used this time to heal and grow.

Which brings me to this past week. Mike and I have been talking every day, without fail, for over a year. We talk only through messages and calls since we now live very far apart. He decided to come visit me, I was really happy about it. I offered for him to stay at my place to save money. I live alone and have space, so I prepared a spare bed for him before he arrived.

When he got here, it wasn't awkward at all. We've known each other for five years and have been best friends for most of that time. But as New Year’s Eve approached, he asked if he could kiss me. This time, I felt like I was in a place in my life where I could trust again. I’d known Mike for years, and I believed he wouldn’t hurt me. So I said yes, and we kissed.

We're older and more mature now, so the kiss naturally evolved into something more intimate. During the rest of his visit, we shared a very personal and intimate experience. We slept in the same bed, took showers together, watched movies cuddling, and even went to the movies holding each other the entire time. It all felt natural, personal and cozy.

Then his visit ended, and he went back home. I wasn't expecting a full-blown relationship or even a FWB situation. I simply expected us to talk about what had happened and figure out what it meant, or where we should go from there. But now he doesn't reply to my messages anymore. We used to talk every day for hours, and now there is only silence.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Sufficient_Ad6253 wrote:

I’m not convinced the silence is because he pretended to be your friend for five years, even talking every day for a year, solely to sleep with you once. That does not make sense. That’s way too much time and effort. Also, people cannot consistently fake who they are and their intentions for that long, with that much communication, without occasionally slipping up and showing cracks in the mask.

You said he was loyal, respectful, and genuinely a good person that entire time. In my opinion, it’s likely to be a more complicated and deeper attachment - psychological as well as physical. It’s hard to know the exact reason for the silence. It could be that he thought he wanted the hookup but then afterward panicked and felt overwhelmed by the situation and how it escalated into the closeness you described.

It could be that he wanted to be in more of a FWB situation and not a relationship, and is avoiding you because he is scared you’re going to want more. It could be that HE wants more but is scared to ask in case you reject him.

It could be that he is currently in a relationship or dating situation with someone else and he has cheated on them with you, and the silence is regret and guilt.Sadly, none of that helps with dealing with the situation on your end if he won’t communicate. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP responded:

I’m sure he’s not a cheater. And everything was very mutual often initiated by him, that’s why the ghosting is so confusing.

Thanks for your input :)

mylittleidiot wrote:

I’ve had that happen to me. Had a crush on a guy from afar all throughout high school. I knew his name, found him good looking but we never officially met or talked. Two years after high school ended he suddenly contacted me through Facebook, telling me he apparently had a crush on me too and now he was out of a long term relationship, healed and wanted to shoot his shot.

I had a boyfriend and turned him down, telling him I wasn’t interested. He took it in stride and we small talked a bit after that. Somehow it turned into a genuine friendship. My boyfriend knew all about it and was cool with it because no lines were ever crossed.

I moved across the country with boyfriend and for the next three years I talked to my old-crush-turned-friend almost every day while being in a stable relationship. When the relationship ended I of course talked to my friend about it and he was there for me like all my other friends were. After some months my crush started to resurface, he reciprocated and we started flirting.

At this point I also told him about liking him back in high school and we laughed a lot about how we should have been braver and actually talked back then. We hung out, went for walks all while he was being respectful of me wanting to take it veryyyy slow. Hell, after the flirting began it took weeks before I was even ready for us to hold hands.

I truly thought we were building something loving and safe between us and I repeatedly made it clear that I didn’t want him to be or feel like a rebound which he told me he didn’t want either. Then we finally got intimate, spend a lovely evening together, he walked me to the train and we couldn’t stop hugging and kissing after waiting so long.

He texted me how happy he was that we made it to this point and then I never heard from him again. He ghosted me completely. I gaslit myself for weeks, believing he was just scared of this next step, worried he had gotten into an accident, because who would play a game like that for literally YEARS just for a one night stand?!

I was destroyed, I lost the guy i liked because I slept with him, was he ever really my friend or did he just want to get laid? We talked every day and now I was left in silence. It fucked me up real good for years and a lot of unsafe decisions were made because I lost sight of the point of it all and stopped trusting sex to be a good thing.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone, to tell you a story similar to yours, tell you that someone understands how devastating it feels to lose a friend like that. I hope you process it better than I did ❤️

OP responded:

"Are we dating the same guy?" vibes lol

It sucks, I am sorry you went through that, apparently it happened to me too.

talloakster wrote:

That's tough, and he's not acting maturely. He could be overwhelmed with feelings or thoughts that seem beyond what he's able to handle. I wouldn't necessarily attribute the whole friendship to a plan to sleep with you. Another perspective: something occurred, and he showed himself not able to deal with it.

OP responded:

That’s a good point. A lot of people have said he wasn’t pretending to be my friend just to sleep with me, since five years is too long for that. Even so, something clearly changed for him to start ghosting me.

SignificantOrange139 wrote:

Now, I'm not trying to be an AH. But New Year's Eve wasn't that long ago. And you say y'all continued for the rest of his stay. So how many days has it really been?

Also, idk if he's at all like me but, depending on the method of travel and distance - some of us just get wiped out for a day or two after a trip.

The_Po_Gamer wrote:

I'll be honest, it's very possible he feels uncertain. Either in a "Did I just mess this up?" Kind of way, or a "I never expected to get this far and now I'm lost." He could definitely just be an AH, but I've never known a guy to chase a girl for 5 years and drop them immediately after they hook up.

Of course, none of this matters if he never gets back to you. If he fumbles it, he fumbles it. That's on him. Just don't let the assumption of the worst possible outcome control how you view everything. He could be genuinely struggling. But you're well within your right to say you don't want to pursue anything more because he ghosted you.