'My BF and I had an argument that's giving me red flags. Is it enough to leave our relationship?' MAJOR UPDATE

"My boyfriend (M25) and I (F23) had an argument that is giving me red flags. Is it enough to leave our years long relationship? Please advise."

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years and have lived together for 1.5 years now. For context, I was getting ready to go to a Halloween potluck with some of my girlfriends and their respective boyfriends.

When I was getting ready, my bf began discussing the idea of a curfew with me, explaining that no woman should be out late because “nothing good happens late into the night” and that I shouldn’t be out til 3am. I explained that I don’t want to be out that long, but the idea of him putting a curfew on me made me uncomfortable.

He told me that unless he is physically there with me, I (a female) shouldn’t be out of the house late and at a party. I told him there is no need for him to be this controlling with me and that I was confused, since he had never done anything like this before. I go to social events pretty regularly, but rarely go to parties like this (maybe once every 3 months).

He was also invited twice to come to this party with me and declined. I asked my bf why he’s saying all this, and he said that, “I have standards. These are my standards. If you don’t like them, you don’t have to live with me anymore. I’m not budging on this.” and then explained that, “Now I expect you home at 1:00 am because you’re pissing me off but I should be saying 11:00 pm.”

This freaked me out. I packed a bag, left to my parents house, and haven’t been back since. I don’t know what to do from here. I want to emphasize he’s never done anything like this before, which really threw me off and hence why I’m asking for advice on an internet forum. I left the house crying and upset and my boyfriend hasn’t reached out in over 72 hours to check in or initiate a chat.

Ideally, I would like a conversation to be started by him, but I’m convinced my boyfriend has no shame for his actions and believes I am the one in the wrong. Please let me know what you, an unbiased random internet stranger, thinks about this situation. I love the relationship my bf and I have built together, but this seems like a huge red flag to me.

TL;DR My boyfriend told me I need a curfew before going to a party without him. When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he tried to “punish” me by making the curfew more strict. I left the house upset and we haven’t spoken in 72 hours. Not sure what to do from here.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Far-Cup9063 wrote:

It kind of sounds like he instigated this in order to cause a break-up. So after 5 years dating and 1.5 years living together he announces a new “standard” to force you to move out of his place? I assume this was his place and you moved in with him? Weird, and pretty rotten of him. I’m awfully sorry this is happening to you, but sounds like he dreamed this up to give you the boot.

OP responded:

Yes, his parents own the place but we both pay rent on it. Just not an official lease or anything. It genuinely didn’t feel like he was trying to give me the boot, but more like he wasn’t going to relent on this new standard of his, and that our place of living is something in his control, which is what he wanted in this situation.

[deleted] wrote:

I think he's got another girlfriend, and he's trying to make you break up with him so she can move in. Who is he hanging out with when he refuses to join you at a party? If he's not cheating, he's trying to break up so he doesn't have to get all those pesky. "When are you going to marry her?"

Questions. But do leave this relationship. He's a dude. ETA, when he calls to see where you are, tell him, "I've got standards, and you failed to meet them."

OP responded:

He’s definitely not cheating. 100% certainty. He’s more introverted where parties and dressing up “aren’t his thing.” Which is totally fine with me, but it feels like he wants me to be more like that when I’m not.

naporeon wrote:

I'm going to deviate from the pattern here and ask: what sorts of media does he enjoy? Has he recently started listening to new podcasts or watching new creators on YouTube? To me, this sounds an awful lot like a recently radicalized Tater Tot or passport bro type guy.

OP responded:

Honestly, I have no idea. I think this is a great question to ask though and could contribute to why his actions are suddenly changing.

negativespacer wrote:

Tbh I think that once you move in with someone in a relationship it should be respected in both ways I mean it isn’t a big deal I think y’all should talk and let him know what your standards too, in a way he’s probably doesn’t wanna be worried and what not, does he go out and come back late?

OP responded:

I feel like my standards are that I give him nothing but 100% loyalty so when I want to go out with my girlfriends, he should have 100% trust in what I do. I’m also not gate keeping any information about the outings to him, like he knows who I’m with, where I’m going, and I tell him when I’m heading home if he wants this info.

I mentioned this to him and he just kept reiterating that “My standards aren’t that crazy. You shouldn’t be out til, say, 3AM.” We just kept going back and forth because I said from here, “I don’t want/plan to be out til 3AM, but the fact that you’re telling me when I should be home, etc. is upsetting me because you should trust me.”

And then it just became a circular argument. As defensive as he was, I also was too. So the convo wasn’t really going anywhere.

Eight and a half weeks later, OP shared an update.

This update is not easy for me to write, but I am moving out of state next week, and want to put this out to finally lay this chapter of my life to rest. The argument from the post occurred on Saturday late afternoon. By Wednesday, I placed an order for a small U-Haul truck to move out the following Saturday (the soonest time my family could help), but I still hadn't heard from him.

My family thought it best not to tell M25 that I was coming to pick up my belongings until the day of, because we were afraid he would destroy my things. M25 is an extreme minimalist, so all the furniture, decor, tools, etc., came 100% out of my pocket. At that point, I had thousands of dollars worth of belongings in there, and even more invaluable momentos. Anyways, Saturday comes around.

Still hadn't heard anything on his end. I texted M25 that morning, telling him my parents were coming to remove my belongings and to please be out of the house while they did so. He texted me back, "No stop telling me what to do". At this point, he knows they're coming and exactly when.

For my safety, I stayed home. When my parents get there, my mother knocks on the door. No answer. Doorbell. No answer. I texted her to go into the garage and see if M25's vehicle is there. The garage opens, and he had thrown my belongings into the garage. Things were scattered about the garage floor. Whatever. They noted that his vehicle was there, though, so he must be inside.

My family starts grabbing stuff from the floor and putting it into the truck. M25 comes out. My mother said he looked psychotic, almost. He doesn't do drugs and wasn't drinking for health reasons. But he looked off. When he came out, he made it very clear to my mother that he was holding a gun in his sweatpants pocket. He told them to get off his property.

My mother asked him if he was alright. Remember, M25 and I had been together for a long time at this point. My family knows him well. This was all such strange behavior from him, and my mother was genuinely concerned. In response, he tells my mom, "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" My mom asked if she could go inside and get the rest of my belongings. M25 says no.

My mother reminds him that I have been without my essentials for a week now (medication, glasses/contacts, work badge, underpants) and asks to step inside for five minutes to retrieve those things. He agrees. My mother walks into the house and sees an AR-57 set up in the kitchen, ready to go. She immediately turned around, told everyone outside loading the truck to get in the car, and went home.

I spent the next few hours trying to arrange a police escort for the rest of my belongings (in hindsight, we should have done it in the first place). As I was working with that, my mom called the homeowners, AKA M25's parents, who live 2-3 hours away. We tell them everything up to this point, and they're distraught. They say they're on their way.

We received a call from the parents later that evening stating that M25 is out of the house and being monitored back at their home. We moved everything out afterwards. I get a text from M25 that Sunday, where he essentially says that he didn't know I was breaking up with him. That he was waiting for me to reach out to him while he was reflecting on everything that happened, blah blah.

We went back and forth a bit, where I was telling him that he threatened my family and that I couldn't forgive him. He said he wanted to talk about everything, and I told him I wasn't ready for that. I followed it up with a "You should work on yourself, and if I want to talk, I'll reach out" type of text.

He responded with a bunch of OKs and then, "Just don't f#$k your ex. Hate that guy. Heard really bad things about him". He's referring to himself here, since he's the only bf I've had. It was super strange and off-putting to receive a joking text like that when a few hours earlier he threatened my family with guns.

I ignored him. He also sent an interesting apology to my mother. To me, it's a liability thing that his lawyer mother asked him to send. Highlights included, "I know you felt threatened by what you saw..." and, "There is no excuse for having guns out while people are present at my house.

Seeing a gun -- concealed or otherwise -- in that sort of situation is enough to shock someone, especially those unfamiliar with these weapons." and, "My parents agree and have asked me to give [my guns] up until I am more responsible and careful."

He texted me again the next day, saying, "I know I've acted nonchalant about things, and it's not a good habit. I can't continue to live in limbo. I hope you will come over and talk to me in person... false hope is not doing me any good. I need to move on with my life."

Where I responded, "I do not want to give you false hope, but I'm not in a place of forgiveness. I think it's time that we continue to move on with our separate lives." This is when he responds with, "Listen, come talk to me. I feel awful that I used your own love for me as a lever against you. I hate the person who did that to you and everyday I try to bury that part of me."

Lots to digest there. We exchanged a few more texts, and I, naively, agreed to have a conversation in person. I would not have it at the house. It would be during the day. And it would be in public. I now understand that I should never have entertained this idea in the first place.

I was emotional and confused at that time. I had been with M25 for years at this point, and wanted clarity on what drove him to do this. I told him my availability to talk on a Thursday, and he said he wasn't sure if he was available but would let me know. I didn't hear back from him until Thursday at 8:15 pm, when he asked, "You still coming or no?". A location hadn't been discussed. It was dark out.

I suggested we meet the following morning. That's when he sends, "8:30 is late for you now?" followed by, "I said your curfew was 1 am, so you're good" and "Just get your ass over here and talk, I am not going this 9 am bulls#$t. Or I will put a scorpion in your bed." I responded and he texts back, "I'm omw."

I'm sorry, you're what? At this point, I was in a new safe place in Location A. My mother was in Location B, and my father was in Location C. I had to call everyone and let them know M25 was going to show up at one of their locations, since he knows where they both live. He showed up at Location C, where my father was. My father told me that he was scared for his safety and home.

Luckily, nothing happened. M25 waited outside for a bit after texting me "Here" and left. This whole night rattled me. I stayed up all night, scared he was going to show up at my mom's place next, or mine. I ignored his texts. He started to call. Left an eerily calm, cool, and collected voicemail wondering when we were going to chat.

Saying that if I wanted to "have that conversation, [I, F23, am] welcome to the house whenever." I texted him back, threatening a restraining order if he made contact again. A month later, he texted, "Hey, obviously what happened happened. I'm sorry I made you feel unsafe. That's not who I am as a person or who I would wanna be. I wish you the best in whatever you do." And that is the last I've heard from him.

All of this could have played out way worse. I'm relieved for the safety of my family and my own. I'm fortunate enough to have gotten out when I did. And yes, I understand things could have been done differently on my end. I learned a lot about myself through this experience. I chose to text M25 in the non-confrontational way I did for my safety. We live in a small community.

I genuinely believe this man is dangerous and could harm my family, my dog, my friends, etc, if I angered him. We're all within a mile or two of each other, and he knows where to find all of them, and me, if he wanted to. I condensed some of the details for the sake of brevity in this post. I have screenshots of all the texts I quoted above. I'm happy to answer questions in the comments.

TL;DR: My ex-boyfriend (M25) ignored me for an entire week after a concerning argument were I sought advise on what to do (described in the original post). When I went to move out, he threatened my family with weapons.

Fake apologies, nonchalant texts, and jokes followed this. When I didn't want to talk, he showed up at my father's house, where he thought he could find me. So, yes, the argument was enough to end a years long relationship.

The commenters were thoroughly invested in the update.

Miserable_fennel_492 wrote:

Like others in the comments, I, too, am surprised and unbelievably grateful this didn’t escalate further. Mostly, I’m super f#$king proud of OP for getting out at the very first sign. I wish all of us were that aware and strong.

Comfortable-Focus123 wrote:

This sounds to me like a mental breakdown. Have experienced this happen to a loved one, and they were hospitalized in a psych ward for 3 weeks. It took a long time for them to get back to normalcy.

LIttlestecho wrote:

So interesting fact people with schizophrenia tend to start showing signs of it right around age 25. The sudden 180 personality change to the contrary, one that startled his parents enough to jump into action, is a pretty wild indicator.

Unfortunately we will, hopefully, never know if this was the case for him. Or if he had a mental break, or if he swallowed the tate pill. His last text he sent get sounds like a man who got treatment. But I'm not holding my breath.