'AITA for wanting my BF to back out of a wedding he's the best man for because I'm uninvited?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for wanting my boyfriend to back out of a destination wedding he's the best man for because I was uninvited from the wedding?"

My boyfriend, 35M, is the best man for his best friends wedding in a few months. I, 31F, was originally invited to this wedding as his plus one as well. The wedding is a destination wedding at an extremely expensive resort. All flights and hotels for both of us have been booked and paid for already.

I have met the bride and groom to be a handful of times, have always been friendly with them, and was invited to attend their joint bachelor/ette trip as my boyfriend's plus one. I attended the weekend trip and had a great time getting to know everyone that will be at the wedding and was really looking forward to seeing everyone again at the wedding.

I never felt any sort of animosity and came out of the weekend thinking everyone had a great time partying with each other. Turns out the bride felt some type of way about me and has uninvited me from the wedding. I have not had any conversations with the bride or groom, but my boyfriend received the news from the groom.

From what I heard of the conversation, it seems like the groom doesn't agree with this fiancee and was really uncomfortable to deliver the message but his hands were tied. My boyfriend has received details on what happened to make the bride feel that way towards me and we both agree that it's a ridiculous overreaction and a huge misunderstanding.

Long story short, the bride felt as if I didn't make an effort to make her feel special and was trying to take her spotlight. My boyfriend contacted the other friends who were there that weekend as well and everyone is agreement that this is an overreaction and misunderstanding.

The thing that bothers me the most is that everything that was listed out that I was doing to make her feel that way, every body else was doing it as well - but yet it seems like there was a magnifying glass on me and she has a vendetta against me for some reason.

My boyfriend thinks it was a series of unfortunate events that started at a house party a few months ago when I beat her in Mario Kart and everyone was cheering for me. I voiced to my boyfriend that I’m more than willing to have a conversation with the bride to clear the misunderstanding to try and get her to change her mind.

But at the same time, I’m not really sure I want to go to this wedding anymore anyways as I would hate to be somewhere I'm not wanted. My reasoning for going would more so to be there to support my boyfriend and enjoy the vacation with him.

That being said, I shared with my boyfriend that if the decision stays and I am uninvited, I would be upset if he still decided to go without me. I may feel differently if 1) it wasn't an expensive destination wedding that takes away valuable vacation days he doesn't have a lot of.. or 2) we were in agreement that my actions justified this decision in any way.

For me, him attending without me feels like he's agreeing with the decision and is choosing to stick by his friend over sticking up for me. AITA for wanting my boyfriend to back out?

Not long after posting, OP shared three updates.

EDIT: Wow this got way more traction than I ever imagined it would.. thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights, it's been really helpful for me to read through and help process my emotions. This was all super fresh news when I wrote this out this morning and i've had some time to process.

I think my next step will be to reach out to the bride to have a talk with her and see exactly from her perspective what went wrong that led her to ultimately make the decision to un-invite me.

It's been a game of telephone so far so it would be helpful to hear it from the source. I plan on apologizing to her during this conversation because even though it may seem like an overreaction and misunderstanding to me and others, what she felt was obviously real and real enough for her to make this decision.

My hope from this conversation is that we can at least be cordial moving forward and be friendly for the sake of our men, even if we won't ever be true friends. Will post another update once we've had the talk. Thanks again.

EDIT 2: I've had another night to think about the situation. Reading through this thread and it is really split 50/50. Seeing the different angles of everyone's insight has been super helpful.

I am going to talk to my boyfriend tonight and mention that while my feelings of being upset are valid, it's not on me to dictate whether he should go to the wedding or not. I am understanding of the situation and realize that he should be there to support his best friend through this important life moment. He has made it very clear to me as well that he would be attending to support his friend specifically.

I do agree with most of the comments here telling me that I should just go on the vacation with my boyfriend and have him minimize his time with wedding duties to the necessities only. I will bring this option up with him and hopefully we're able to come to an agreeable compromise that leaves us both feeling heard and understood.

EDIT 3: I told my boyfriend that I plan to reach out to the bride to hear her side of the story and apologize for any wrong doings on my part, but he told me that he doesn't think it's the right time right now as the "[groom] has been going to bat for us and [bride] has been crying a lot, so i'd like the dust to settle."

I guess at this point I’m kind of at a stand still and waiting for a final decision to be made by the bride/groom. The wedding isn't for another few months, so we have some time to hopefully settle this, be on good terms, and maybe even look back and laugh at how ridiculous this all was one day.

This will probably be my last update for a while until there's an actual update to give! Once again, thank you to everyone who took time to give your insight and share your wisdom. I was pretty 50/50 about my thoughts and seems like the internet is too. Hearing both sides has definitely been helpful for my thought process.

The comments kept coming.

Creme-de-la-creme wrote:

Just go, and don’t go to the wedding?

OP responded:

We've discussed this option as well, but since he's the best man he would be preoccupied with wedding stuff (welcome party, rehearsal, the actual wedding ceremony/reception) I would be alone most of the time.

My_cat_is_cooler wrote:

This is tough. But I agree with you - him still going would make me feel weird. I get it’s not who he’s showing up for (the groom) making the decision, but still. How did your boyfriend react when you said you’d be upset if he still went? Has any money already been spent on your or his end to attend?

OP responded:

My boyfriend has paid for both of our flights and hotel bookings already. the groom has said that he would pay him back for my portion as he feels bad about the whole thing. He felt that it was unfair for me to put him in an impossible position to pick between me or his best friend.

From my perspective though, I’m not asking him to not be friends with his best friend - I just don't want him going to the wedding if I’m not invited. as much as I get why the groom has to take his fiancee's side - I think the groom should understand why my boyfriend would decide not to go if I’m not invited

Puzzleheadedframe439 wrote:

Tell us what you did (or what she thinks you did) so we can make a better call.

OP responded:

The girls (10 of us) went out to a dinner together and were seated at a long table. I was having a conversation with the girls on my side of the table (I was in the corner) and the bride was sitting on the other side of the table. She felt as if I wasn't including her in the conversation.

My boyfriend spoke with the other girls who were at the dinner and everyone who was on my side of the table felt like the dinner went well and there was nothing to note

We were all singing karaoke. everyone was taking turns putting in songs. the bride just finished singing a song, so I went to go put another song in.

She was upset about that because I guess everyone was chanting for her to sing another song but I was unaware she wanted to sing two songs in a row (for the past hour we've all been taking turns putting in songs).

Apparently I wasn't trying to get to know all of the girls. to this, I can say that I spent more time with some girls than other girls just because of the activities we were doing. (some girls weren't drinking so they were sticking together and hanging out - some girls were drinking, myself included, so naturally we stuck together and hung out).

[deleted] wrote:

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Since yall are serious, this decision of the bride to be could have long lasting consequences. Yall need to come up with a plan together and alert the groom/bride. The groom also would need to know potential long term consequences. How often to they hang out? Double dates? What about yalls wedding?

OP responded:

We've talked about this too. the wedding itself is just one weekend, but we're definitely more upset at the future consequences that her current decision will cause. My boyfriend and I were always aligned on wanting our kids to grow up near our friends kids in one neighborhood.

My friends are scattered all over the us, but most of his friends are in our area so I was really making an effort to try and integrate myself with his friend group so we could have that kind of future. But this whole situation is making me want to live far away from them

seareturn7244 wrote:

People don’t usually invite guests and give them a + 1 only then to basically interview/evaluate/judge whether the + 1 is worthy of attending, pass judgement and rescind the + 1 but allow the original guest to attend! That’s terrible wedding etiquette. And if they plan on continuing the friendship with your boyfriend (the best man), how do they think that’s going to go???

No double dates, trips or events with all four of you together? You will not be deemed worthy to attend anything in the presence of Her Majesty? And what if you and your boyfriend eventually marry? Your boyfriend may want current groom to be best man….and will she expect to be invited? lol.

These people are shallow and don’t realize there’s life after the wedding. It’s literally the smallest of events in a marriage. They are not seeing the big picture! It’s extraordinarily rude to rescind an invite in this way and I would assume you and your boyfriend will have to deal with the emotional fallout if he chooses to attend.

Maybe your relationship won’t last much longer afterward, but maybe that’s what the bride wants- she’s playing anti-Cupid.

OP responded:

We all agree that she's being really immature about this whole thing and have not taken into the considerations of all of the consequences that will come from this.

I would've at least appreciated if she spoke to me about her feelings first before coming to such an explosive decision.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

* Turns out I actually paid for the flights (it's been so long since we booked, I forgot) * The resort is technically refundable since you don't pay until you get there *

The groom has said he would pair up my boyfriend with another guest that's coming alone as the rooms are priced per two occupants I told my boyfriend that "while it's valid for me to upset about the situation, it's not valid for me to dictate whether you should go to this wedding or not. I understand the tough spot you're in and and I don't want to make it more difficult than it already is for you.

Whatever the final decision [bride & groom] come to is, you should go to support [groom]. if the decision stays that they don't want me at the wedding, maybe we can still go to the resort together and i'll just enjoy some solo spa time while you're doing wedding stuff. that way we can still have some time together and you can fulfill your best man duties."

He was very against this idea saying that this would most definitely cause a lot of drama and alienate me further from the group. I said that he knows his friend group better than me and if he feels like this would cause more stress for him, I'll bow out. I mentioned that if he doesn't want me staying at the same resort, I could go to a different resort in that area so at least the flights aren't wasted.

He was against this idea as well and said I should just stay home or go to a different destination completely. I have no reason to think that my boyfriend is being unfaithful as some of the comments in my previous post have mentioned.

This just seems to be a point that we don't align on. He wants to make it as drama free for the bride & groom on their wedding weekend by prioritizing their comfort and needs over mine. I want to be the understanding girlfriend so badly, but man am I torn between feeling neglected as the girlfriend vs trying to just let it go and not die on this hill...AITA?

The internet kept the comments coming.

Neat-piles-of-matter wrote:

Something else is going on beyond what you’re being told, or your boyfriend and that friend group are insane, maybe both.

OP responded:

Yeah it's really frustrating to be the topic of discussion and not being allowed in on the discussion.. Feels like I’m in a hole with everyone throwing shade at me and I can't even be there to speak up for myself. I'm just hearing everything through my boyfriend and it's still a big game of telephone.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

How important is this ‘friends group’? Your boyfriend is assuming they’ll all be upset, but will they? They know you had tickets and resort booked until you were uninvited just two weeks before.

Boyfriend has wedding duties. Fine. You shouldn’t lose out on a trip altogether to spa since time off work scheduled off. Don’t post on social media, don’t blow up boyfriends cell with calls or texts, and go sunbathe. Jeez, they don’t own the ☀️.

OP responded:

They're very important people to my boyfriend. I recognize how important it is to have a solid friend group around you and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize his relationship with his.

He says that me going will be a statement enough for them to see me as vindictive.

ambitious-estimate41 wrote:

He is being very unreasonable and I’d be sus about it. Seems like your bf wants some alone time with that person the groom said he would pair your bf with, and maybe that someone is the bride friends and wants to play matchmaker? I think you should go to the resort still, it won’t make any drama and it shouldn’t.

OP responded:

I asked who he would be paired up with and they're both guys that I know. I have no reason to suspect that he would be doing anything sus if he's there alone, so i'd rather not spiral down that road.

I thought going to resort and doing my own thing was a great compromise as suggested by many others, but he whole heartedly disagrees. Even going to the same country at a different resort would apparently cause issues.

CuriousJosh wrote:

Ultimately only you can answer the question of “am I okay with this?”

If you are feeling torn between wanting to be understanding but also feeling like everyone is being taken care of but you, maybe it’s good to express this.

Also do you have any best girlfriends? Because you should take that plane ticket refund and go do a trip with friends! Get out. Don’t stay at home, go see parents… etc. Better to go have fun than mope.

OP responded:

This is a great idea, it's one of my best friend's birthday that weekend and I wasn't able to do anything with her due to this wedding. Would be a great excuse to take a girls trip together instead

Historical_Kick3294 wrote:

Right now, everything you’re being told comes from your boyfriend. I’m not saying he’s lying, but he’s certainly going all out to not have you speak to anyone else in the friendship group or wedding party, isn’t he? Why is that, I wonder?

You are perfectly within your rights to reach out to the bride to find out exactly what’s going on — in a totally non-accusatory way, of course — and to see if you can smooth things over with her. The cynic in me wonders if your boyfriend is engineering this so you don’t get to go, although I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

You don’t need his permission to speak to the bride, and it could at least clear the air prior to the wedding because, as it stands now, you will never be able to be around these people again without there being some kind on animosity. And if they’re all that important to him, how long will your relationship last when you can’t be part of the social group?

OP responded:

I know I don't need permission to reach out to the bride myself, but he's made it clear that now's not a good time and I'm keen on not making the situation worse. I will probably reach out to the bride in a week or so to get some clarification myself.

Yeah, that's what I’m worried about. It was really important for me that my boyfriend got along with my friend group and they've welcomed him in with gracious open arms. I unfortunately did not get the same from his.