'My BF of 10 months is best friends with his ex. She refuses to meet me and it's getting weird.' UPDATED

"My [25f] boyfriend [26m] of 10 months is best friends with his ex [20s?f]. She refuses to meet me and it's getting weird."

I started dating my boyfriend, Jeff, 10 months ago. This relationship has been amazing so far and I definitely see a future with him. There's just one problem: he has a weird relationship with his ex that's starting to make me really uncomfortable and suspicious. When we started dating, he often talked about his best friend, Jenna, who he also owns a business with.

He made it pretty clear that she was an important person to him. I knew they had spent vacations together and he mentioned hanging out with her parents a few times, too. A few weeks after I met him, I creeped through all his pictures on facebook (because who doesn't do that with someone they just started dating?) and saw a bunch of very couple-y pictures of him and Jenna.

I also found her instagram and looked through it, and it's FILLED with pictures of Jeff. A bunch of them had the hashtag #relationshipgoals and other similar things. So in this way, I figured out that they had dated. I kept waiting for him to tell me that himself, but he never did. About two months after we started dating, I straight-up asked him if he had dated her, and he admitted it.

He said that they had met in school and had similar ideals and ambitions. They dated for 9 months and broke up a year and a half ago. I asked him why they'd broken up, and he said their relationship was awful and they worked much better as friends. They started their business after they broke up and things have, apparently, been going well between them since then.

I started to get kind of suspicious about her, though, when time passed and I still hadn't met her. I met his friends and family pretty soon after we started dating, but I didn't meet Jenna. I went to numerous social events that I'd expect her to be at, but she was never there. There were a number of occasions when our paths ALMOST crossed and I really thought I was going to meet her, but I never did.

For example, I went to their office a few times to meet Jeff after work, and Jenna was already gone. Or sometimes I'd come to meet him and he'd come outside to meet me so I wouldn't have to go inside. Things started to get REALLY weird about three months ago. Jeff and Jenna were having an open house night one evening.

Jeff came over to my place after work and we had a few hours to kill before it was time to go, so we went out for dinner and then walked to the office. I was kind of expecting that I'd come in and help them set up, but when we were a block away, he started asking me if I had lots of work to do and saying there was a really nice coffee shop nearby.

He actually walked me to the coffee shop and sat me down, then left to go get ready with Jenna. He told me to come to the office in an hour and a half. About half an hour before I left for the office, I texted Jeff and said I hoped everything was going well and asked if there was anything I could do. He replied and said, "Something's come up for Jenna and she can't be here tonight."

I was getting really suspicious at this point. I went to the office half an hour later and sure enough, Jenna wasn't there. People kept asking about her ALL night and Jeff told them she'd had a family emergency.

When we walked back to the car later that night, he told me what happened. While he and Jenna were getting ready, she had had a panic attack and said she was scared to meet me. She said she wouldn't be able to handle it and either had to leave, or he had to tell me not to come. He told her to leave, so she did. Since then, a couple more weird things have happened, and I still haven't met Jenna.

Once, when I was hanging out with Jeff, we went to the office so he could grab something. When we were almost there, he looked at his phone and said, "Jenna's still there. Let's just go for a walk." So we walked around the block for half an hour and then came back when she was gone. After that happened, I told Jeff I felt really uncomfortable with the situation.

I could respect that they were friends who had dated, but the way she was acting about me was very suspicious. He apologized and said he had actually been really mad at her, but wasn't sure what to do. He also told me a couple other weird stories about things she'd done. He went to a party a few weeks ago (I didn't go) and his phone had d**ed that night.

When he got home and charged his phone, it was full of texts from Jenna saying she was outside in her car and asking if I was there or not. She actually never even ended up going to the party, simply because SHE DIDN'T KNOW IF I WAS THERE OR NOT. Now here's the kicker: Jeff and Jenna are currently on a two-week-long camping trip.

They've been planning this trip since before I met him, but considering the way she's behaved, I feel very uncomfortable about him being on this trip. I just looked at her instagram and she's posted five new pictures of him. As awesome as Jeff is, I'm really fed up with this and I'm seriously considering breaking things off when he gets back. Am I being unreasonable?

TL;DR: My boyfriend is best friends/business partners with his ex. She has done a number of weird things to avoid meeting me and I'm so sick of it that I'm considering breaking up with him.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Glitterland wrote:

You're not being unreasonable at all, and I can understand why you feel so upset about the whole situation. If I were you, I'd be asking Jeff a few questions: does he know the root issue of why she doesn't want to meet you? Is she like this with anyone else? Explain to him that the situation is upsetting you and that you aren't comfortable with him going on a two week vacation with her.

She is, afterall, his ex girlfriend and the whole thing strikes me as a little strange. Maybe you could talk about meeting Jenna with Jeff present in a quieter, mutual place like a cafe or a restauarant. If Jeff was my boyfriend I'd be looking for answers. Best of luck to you and please post an update!

OP responded:

It's kind of reassuring to hear that other people don't think I'm being unreasonable. I have actually asked him if he knows why she's being like this, and he says he's asked her the same thing and hasn't gotten a clear answer. He said he's asked her if she still has feelings for him and she said no.

They're actually already on their trip, so there's not much I can do about it at this point. I think I'll try probing him a bit more when he gets back and see if he might know a bit more than he's telling me about her behaviour.

Sangfroidity wrote:

Jeff and Jenna are currently on a two-week-long camping trip. That's nice. Any reason why you weren't camping too? Or the trip wasn't cancelled?

OP responded:

I have to work and I was never invited.

As far as why it wasn't cancelled: good question.

prinbeans wrote:

The worst part to me is the camping trip. How the fuck did you allow that? What are they doing? Are they drinking? Sharing a tent? God if my boyfriend did something like that I couldn't be with him.

OP responded:

Jeff doesn't drink much, but they are sharing a tent. Yeah, I'm starting to kind of share your sentiment about it.

[deleted] wrote:

Do it. Before this camping trip. I am not for unhealthy ultimatums, but healthy boundaries are important. He goes on this trip with her after this conversation, well....it will just be another example of him putting her above you. Maybe he likes the attention he gets from her? You know this is shady, stop tolerating it.

Edit: Even if he turns around and starts talking about the money and planning that he's already put into it, so what? I actually expect that response.

It doesn't change the fact that he's going on a camping trip for two weeks with an ex, who freaks out about a new gf, a new gf who was never invited on the trip. Whatever planning he has put into it, doesn't change the fact that it's inappropriate. I don't know how you handled even hearing that BS, to be honest.

You've been way more patient about this than I would be. If you stay with him, you tell yourself and him (and you stick with it) that it will be a cold day in hell before you ever wait in a coffee shop or do anything like that for her again, and he doesn't even need to ask you and waste his breathe.

He goes on that camping trip though, girl if it was me, there wouldn't be a gf to come back to.

Edit 2: Honestly OP, I fully expect him to come back and they have magically reconnected. I am sorry.

OP responded:

Unfortunately, he's already gone. I wish I had told him more about how I felt when he was still here. Now I just have to wait for him to get back and see what happens. But if I do end up staying with him, some things are definitely going to need to change.

Fifteen months later, OP shared an update.

UnlikelyAward wrote:

Hey OP, not to stir the pot, but it really sounds like your boyfriend was dating Jenna and they broke up.

u/TacoPenisMan responded:

While that does fit the timeline, it’s not the only possibility. He could have been in denial about the toxic relationship and finally seen enough evidence - including missing OP. People are slow to realize how dumb they are or how bad a shitty friend is, sometimes.

hyperbolic_pancakes wrote:

Can't believe you never ended up meeting her! I'd be very curious to hear her side of things...

atomiclithium responded:

Absolutely. I would have reached out to her before reinstating the relationship. If they still haven't met yet, and if Jenna was still dodgy...maybe I'm reading into it too much.

[deleted] wrote:

Tbh, it kinda sounds like he and the girl were dating, broke up and then he reached back out to OP...I mean, he didn’t fight for OP at all when she ended it, probably because he had the other girl.

stophittingthyself responded:

"he didn't fight for OP at all." Exactly. His decision to end things with Jenna wasnt made out of respect to OP.

He openly admits that he broke things off with Jenna because things get toxic and now they're cold with each other. He could had just set normal boundaries if he decision was made for OP's sake.

woodstockiewuvswuv wrote:

I would have only dated your ex on the condition that you had a long talk with Jenna without Jeff knowing. This whole situation reeks of infidelity and I would be more determined to find the truth than to just accept 2nd place after 1rst dropped out.

[deleted] wrote:

Eh...I’m glad you broke up with him. I’m puzzled that you got back together. That would be a no from me- too many unanswered questions, too much anxiety and insecurity, too much history of poor prioritization.

He cut Jenna off but what if they start wanting to be friends again? What if he makes a new odd friendship? For your sake, I hope he really has changed, because Jenna was never the problem here- it was Jeff. Jeff and his poor boundaries.