'AITA for telling my boyfriend if he doesn't propose I will plan for a life without him?'
"AITA for telling my bf if he doesn't propose before the end of this year I will start planning my future without him?"
SkeletonKey_Aurelius writes:
I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (36M) for 5 years. When we started dating, I told him I wanted us to grow together and that I was dating to marry. He said he was slower paced with everything in his life, and that if we made it to 5 years together, he would feel comfortable proposing.
We talked about this throughout the relationship, so it was well established and we both agreed. Even though 5 years felt long to me, I tried to be understanding because in his last relationship (which ended 2 years before we met), he had bought a ring and then got dumped.
Fast forward to now: we’ve been together all these years, and we even had a child together, but he still hasn’t proposed. Earlier this year I brought it up again and said this was our 5th year together, and I would really like us to take the next step and get engaged by our anniversary.
He told me he doesn’t see the point and doesn’t believe in marriage anymore because it is “just a piece of paper” and he doesn’t want the government involved. I explained that this wasn’t about paperwork but about showing devotion to each other and solidifying ourselves as a family.
I even suggested a different type of ceremony where we wouldn’t have to involve the government at all. He kept making excuses, so I asked him what he wanted for the future. He said he just thinks day to day.
I told him if he doesn’t propose by the end of the year, I will have to re-evaluate his role in my life and start planning for a future without him, since he is showing me he doesn’t want to build that life together.
He said I was an AH for forcing him to propose, and that he doesn’t want to. I told him that is fine, but I don’t have to waste my time waiting for someone who doesn’t want marriage, family, and a shared future.
OP added some extra context:
At the beginning of our relationship, he said he wanted to be married but just wanted to take his time to be sure. He often brought up marriage, buying a house, and the future over the years. It is only now that he has done a complete turnaround and says he doesn’t believe in marriage.
Here are some of the comments from the post.
z-eldapin says:
He doesn't want to marry you. You're asking for a ring that he doesn't want to give. You're asking for a marriage that he doesn't want. Marriage is a two enthusiastic yes convo, not an ultimatum. Get your ducks in a row and start planning your life without him and a coparenting plan.
FrontTour1583 says:
NTA, but I would not have had a child with a man who wasn’t ready to propose if that was important to me. But it’s clear he doesn’t want marriage so if you’re not happy with the status quo it’s time to move on. You’ve always been clear about what you want in the long term.
Comfortable_Score160 says:
You don’t want to marry someone who’s only doing it because you forced them to.
Historical_Paint1151 says:
Yes girl if you have to beg a man to marry you then it should never happen. You need to find someone that share the same feelings and morals as you. But it’s not my relationship but maybe think about it.