'My BF doesn’t want me to go to my best friend's wedding.' UPDATED

"My BF (23) doesn’t want me (F21) to go to my best friend's (F22) wedding."

Okay, I don’t know what to do cause I’m really torn and I understand where my bf is coming from. My boyfriend (Jake) and I have been together for 2 years, we met during orientation for university. Everything is great between us. He’s met my best friend, (Ella) who is getting married to her boyfriend of 4 years.

They are high school sweethearts and I love the both of them. We were all friends during high school and grew up together. They were always together and perfect for each other, I only dated one other person during high school and his name was Sam.

I really liked Sam, we dated for three years during school and spoke often about going to uni together and getting married but it was young love and when acceptance letters came around he ended up moving out of state so we broke up.

My best friend asked me to be her maid of honour and I’m so excited, we’ve been wedding planning for the past couple of months while her fiancé was finalising his groomsmen. I was surprised when she told me, Sam would be the best man.

I told my boyfriend about this and he wasn’t happy with the idea of me attending the wedding as Ella expected each of the bridesmaids and groomsmen to be paired up for activities such as walking down the aisle and the first dance as well as photos. He didn’t like the idea of me doing all those romantic things with an ex-boyfriend.

I explained to him that Sam and I haven’t even seen each other for 3 years but he said he still felt uncomfortable with it. Jake is invited to the wedding so I tried to say that I would still spend most of my time with him.

But he said he still doesn’t want to watch me walk down the aisle and have a first dance with someone else, plus he didn’t want to have to be reminded of this every time we go over to Ella and her fiancés house as all the offical wedding pictures would be plastered all over the place.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I love my boyfriend and I understand where he’s coming from but I want to go to my best friends wedding.

Edit: I just wanted to clarify a few things that I’ve seen people talk about in the comments, thank you for everyone’s advice I really appreciate it all.

First of all, it wasn’t a big surprise that Sam was chosen to be Ella’s fiancés best man (I’ll also call Ella’s fiancée Luke for clarity). Luke and Sam have remained in contact over the years and are still super close but I don’t ask him about Sam too much just because I’m not super interested in what’s going on in his life, the most I ask about is “is he good?” And that’s about it.

Secondly, I didn’t make this super clear in my post but when I say Ella and Luke will have pictures of Sam and I plastered all over their house I meant that there would be pictures of the wedding party all together around the place. As for Jake, a lot of people are saying he’s being controlling, I don’t think he is. I’m not his first girlfriend, he’s only my second other than Sam.

And he doesn't like the idea of the photos of the wedding party being around cause in the photos it would have the whole wedding party together and he wouldn’t be in the photos which to him “makes it seem like I wasn’t there." I’m going to talk to him tomorrow about this all and see what he says. I’ll give an update soon.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

River_Song47 wrote:

If he’s going to be jealous of something so dumb and cause you to miss your Best Friend’s wedding, he’s not mature enough for a serious relationship. I’ve been in several weddings and nothing about walking down the aisle or even dancing with a groomsman is romantic.

You’ll be so busy with other bride’s maid duty’s that those will barely be a blip. But the fact that he thinks he can control you like this is concerning.

OP responded:

I tried to explain this to him originally and say that I would just be doing a job by walking down the aisle and dancing with Sam but he said weddings are a naturally romantic scene. I feel like he thinks us dancing together is going to be like Damon and Elena at the mystic falls thing 😭

honeyroastedk wrote:

Honestly, sounds like your boyfriend is being immature. It’s not romantic for you, it’s part of your role for the day and your friend’s vision for her wedding. Also, she most likely won’t have her wedding photos of everyone plastered all over her house but just those of her and her husband and maybe their family.

I would 100% still go to the wedding and explain to him that your best friend asked you to be there for her on her day, you’ve committed to it, have helped her plan and prepare, and your absence would totally impact her day. Deciding at this point to not go would not be fair to her.

To play devils advocate, walking down the aisle with the best man is very typical but I would say having a first dance and pictures with them is not. If you feel like you can bring this up to your friend without it turning into a huge issue, you can suggest for photos and the first dance to look a little different than she envisioned.

What’s more typical is individual photos with each groomsman/bridesmaid and the bride or groom, bride and groom with all the groomsmen or bridesmaids or the full wedding party together. Also, it’s more typical for a first dance to only include the bride and groom because it is their first dance.

melancholypowerhour wrote:

My childhood best friend missed my wedding because her husband didn’t want her to go. Our relationship never really recovered. Are you willing to damage your relationship with your best friend by pulling out on this commitment you’ve already made?

If your boyfriend is this upset at watching you perform your bridesmaid duties, maybe he doesn’t go - that’s a more reasonable solution since he’s the one with the issue.

A little over two weeks later, OP shared an update:

Okay so I wanted to give you all an update since some people were asking. I’m not sure if this is the right way to do this, I’ve never made an update before. First of all, I read everyone’s comments and wanted to say thank you, even if I didn’t respond a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)

I talked to my boyfriend (23) about it after I made the post and read some of the comments, I took your advice as well and made sure to explain that there was nothing romantic about walking down the aisle with a guy I haven’t spoken to in years and having a dance with him.

I also told him I’m going to the wedding and I’m going to be Ella’s maid of honour no matter what. We had a bit of an argument about it and he wasn’t super excited but ended up saying he would come to the wedding because he would rather at least be there to celebrate Ella and Luke (Ella’s fiancé) and also he didn’t like the thought of me having fun without him and him being all alone.

He has a bit of anxiety about that and doesn’t like being left out of things so I understand why he didn’t want to just stay home. That conversation was two weeks ago, and since then, things went downhill.

After the conversation he was initially really sweet. His usual caring self. Then he became overly sweet, it kind of felt fine in the beginning but when he started making comments and jokes about how he wanted me to remember how amazing he was as a boyfriend it started to feel weird. It kind of felt like he was guilting me.

After reading the comments I started to notice more things too. He always asked questions about where I was going and who I was seeing, which isn’t new but i started to see it differently now. Then he started asking more questions whenever I was on my phone, asking who I was texting and what I was saying.

Then he started reading the messages over my shoulder. This wasn’t that big of a deal before since he has my password and I have his and I don’t care if he reads my texts since there isn’t anything to hide. Now it kind of feels like he’s monitoring me. After that the worst of it came. Whenever I was going out he asked me to update him, not in a normal way.

As in if I was in the shopping centre he would ask me which stores I was going to, what I was eating, he asked me for photos of the food I was having. I thought it was cause he wanted to be involved but I was dumb. I’m kinda ashamed to say that I did send him all of those photos and all the proof he needed for a couple of days, but then I got sick of it.

I asked him why does he need all of that information and he told me “just cause I want to make sure." I asked make sure of what? He didn’t really give me an answer. Then the final straw was about two days ago, another argument, this time about Ella. He said Ella was trying to manipulate me into getting back with Sam. That she always had a vendetta against him.

I said he was being stupid because if that were true she wouldnt invite him to the damn wedding. He said he didn’t feel comfortable with me going, he said he didn’t want me to go, and if I did I was crossing his boundaries and that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend anymore because what kind of girlfriend would purposely cross their boyfriends boundaries.

So I told him that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to cross his boundaries and broke up with him.

You were all right, he was controlling me.

I don’t feel happy about it. I feel sad.

I feel like I wasted years of my life on someone I loved. I told Ella, she didn’t celebrate, she was sad for me too. Said he was nice but I could do better and I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them. I’m going to focus on looking forward to the wedding and helping Ella out. Thank you to everyone again.

Edit: I know I know…mentioning the internet advice of “break up” being bad and what I ended up doing was a bit ironic! I just meant a lot of people immediately went to breaking up with him. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have if the post ended with him just being a bit grumpy and then moving on, it was the behaviour that followed that made that decision for me.

It’s one thing to be a bit off about something and then need a discussion, another thing to then be weaponising boundaries and monitoring my every move, that is what made me break up with him. Again, I am so grateful for the support and advice everyone has given me. It’s really amazing. And rest assured, I will now be a full supporter of the “BREAK UP” team.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Crystallover87 wrote:

The thing about boundaries is it is never something that hinders someone elses life, boundaries are hey don't call me "Kat" when your name is Kathrine. Or don't tell anyone my phone number without asking me first... (stuff that directly impacts you).

Boundaries are never if you go to this place you are crossing my boundaries. Or if you say hi to any male in public thats crossing my boundaries. Those things are not boundaries they are about Control. Good job recognizing his controlling behavior! This is why I love the internet, it helps people get an outside perspective and hopefully saves people from controlling people.

Nurse_Hatchet wrote:

Speaking from experience, there may be a period of time when you’re really angry at yourself for dating this guy. You’ll overanalyze the past and all the choices you made, and all the times you should have advocated for yourself but quietly went along with his flow instead.

Don’t. Let all that anger go. All of it. Anger at yourself, at him, the situation, etc. There’s a reason everybody immediately told you to break up: we’ve all either been in the same situation or watched someone we’re close to go through it.

It’s super common, especially around your age. Don’t beat yourself up. Focus on the lessons you’ve learned in this relationship instead, and be glad for them. That wisdom, if remembered and applied, will ensure your relationships get better and better each time.

You know more about what you want in a relationship, what you don’t, how to speak up, and warning signs that should not be ignored. You have already proven you are smart and strong enough to leave a bad relationship (I wish that were more common), now you have the experience to know when to do it sooner.

You are in a much better position to recognize the truly good men from the snakes in the grass. Personally, my crappy relationship set me up to have an amazing one in the future. My husband and I got together a couple years later, and are now about 25 years down the road.

He’s still my best friend and makes my whole world spin in the best way, but our relationship would have 100% fallen apart from communication issues in the first few months had I not learned those hard lessons earlier. I’m almost grateful for that asshole, in the end. I hope you have an amazing time at the wedding! Throw your hands up and dance free, girl!

pixatron33 wrote:

Damn straight. It's insidious and like a frog getting slowly boiled we don't know if we should just jump out.

You did everything right and I wish I had your self-awareness and reflection at 21.

Now if you experience those behaviours again you'll know to end things sooner rather than later. You deserve a partner who will love, support, and cheerlead you to widen your world rather than shrink it and you. Be aware of your surroundings and home in case your ex-boyfriend escalates. Enjoy the wedding and focusing on your BFs relationship and wedding as MoH.