'My BF found out how much money I have. He wants me to pay off a house for us. Should I end it?' UPDATED

"Boyfriend (28m) found out how much money I (28f) have, he wants me to pay off for a house for us as well as a new car and fund a trip for him to go abroad, should I end it?"

I want to make it clear that I've always spent money on my boyfriend, buying him nice things and what not. He got his PS4 and new gaming PC because of me. My boyfriend however found out that I have a good amount of money and has started to be quite weird about it.

Several times he's referred to my money as our money and using our money to buy him the luxury car he's dreamed of having, he wants us to move out of separate apartments and get a house together and has said instead of getting him a small Christmas gift that I should fund a trip for him to see Europe. (I'm from Italy and have family in Bulgaria, Croatia and The Netherlands) and he is from Canada.

Buying the luxury car, it's less whether I can afford it and more that seems like something you get your husband or wife and not your boyfriend of 3 years.

The house I can understand, if we were engaged or something but we aren't though he has talked about marriage several times in the past few months and finally yes, I can afford a trip for both of us to tour Europe but whereas it's something I might have thought of for us to do before, he only brought this up after finding out that I do have the money to pay for it.

Is this reason enough to break up with him?

TL;DR: BF found out I have money and suddenly our relationship and the things he wants all stem from that.

People had a lot of comments and questions.

het33 wrote:

I think the way he reacted is telling. Asking you to buy him a car is WAY overboard. If it were me, I probably wouldn't break up with him just for that. I would start with a conversation about money/finances.

I would explain that you are looking to keep things separate and he is in no way entitled to your money. Think about if you truly want a future with someone like him. It sucks that it becomes a problem in relationships. How did he find out about it?

OP responded:

We visited my family in Italy who live pretty extravagantly and he sort of put two and two together then asked me what's up, so I told him.

RememberKoomValley wrote:

"Is this reason enough to break up with him?"

You never, ever need a "good reason" to break up with someone. "I don't think I want to be in a relationship with you" is enough.

They don't need to be bad people, they just need to be not-right for you, and you get to decide what right is. That said, absolutely this is a good reason! You're not an ATM! And the "Our money" thing is a big red flag. It's not "Our money," it's your money, and if he starts thinking that things belong to you just because you're dating him, that's a big problem.

NightOwlEye wrote:

I'd drop him for this. It sounds like as soon as he found out you had money, he went into full-on demanding gold-digger mode. Yuck. It'd be one thing if you wanted to do these things for him, but he's got no right to demand you lavish your money on him.

limbertumber wrote:

How did he find out about you having money? Is he seriously asking you for a luxury car?! I don't want to automatically say dump him, but the fact that you suggest dumping him makes me wonder how healthy and happy you are in the relationship and how things were going before he found out about your money.

You've been together for 3 years. Were you being treated well? Were you happy? Did he hold down a job consistently? Did he give you gifts of equal value? Had he changed his behavior since finding our about the money?

If he's really broke maybe he's just immature and excited about seeing more possibilities for fun in the future, but than in itself is kinda worrisome, because it seems he might be into spending your money little more than you are. I'd recommend making sure you protect your funds from him if you do decide to continue.

OP responded:

He found out because we went to visit my family in Italy and my parents, grandparents and the two sets of aunts and uncles that we visited all have very large lavish places.

I live in a smallish apartment that suits my needs but the difference between my apartment and my home back in Italy was very noticeable, he asked me what was up and I told him my family is wealthy but it's not something I try to let define me.

The relationship was pretty good up until he found out. I would hate to break up with him because I do love him and love being with him but the way he's been acting + past experiences pretty much tells me things are only going to go south now. I was treated very well, I was happy and yes he has a consistent job.

Twelve days later, OP shared another update.

So I didn't automatically dump my boyfriend. I decided I'd have a talk with him, I told him that it was basically really d*mn inappropriate to find out I have money and start making demands. I told him I have no problems using my finances for our relationship but that he shouldn't automatically expect that I'm going to put out money on very expensive things for him, just because.

He seemed very ashamed and agreed that it was a really crappy thing to do and he got carried away and a bit too excited. I told him I understood but to do that was very disrespectful to me and the time we've shared together because it made me feel like all of a sudden my money is what mattered.

For a little while it seemed all was well, then the other day we were having a minor argument over something that turned into a bigger argument and he said something along the lines of well you don't even want to use what you have for us so maybe you've never f#$king cared about me. He got really quiet as though he knew that was a sh#$ty thing to say and we didn't talk until 2 days later.

I was really angry, I was going to talk things through with him. However this came the relationship fatality. He told a couple people we're good with, despite me asking him to keep the money quiet, that I was really rich and could afford tons of s#$t. How did I find out?

Saturday we all went drinking together, he gets a bit too much in his system and orders an expensive bottle of wine, one of our friends was like who orders that s#$t, we're good with our beers and that's too expensive.

Our other friend piped up and was like no it's good u/FamilyHeiress is really rich, she can pick up our tab tonight, cue several other people who I've never told about my family's money suddenly grilling me on why I never trusted them enough to tell them about my money and oh, thought we were friends that kind of thing.

I broke up with him the next day. He's been blowing up my phone all day but f#$k him, I could have moved past what he said the other day when we were arguing but to tell people I specifically asked him not to something I trusted him so much with. Yeah, I've lost a 3 year relationship and am probably going to lose a few friends as well.

TL;DR: Talked to my bf, he said he'd make an effort, he didn't, told some of our friends that I was wealthy, they were shocked I didn't trust them with this, I dumped him, may lose some friends soon as well

Edit: For everyone asking the bottle was 460.

The comments kept coming in.

[deleted] wrote:

Wow. Money sure does bring out people's true colors. Whatever your reasons for keeping your money quiet, his reaction was entirely not cool. If you had married him and never told him about it and you were watching him struggle financially, ok sure, I can see how that would be a breach of trust.

But this? Good grief! Sorry OP, but it does look like he showed his true colors and you avoided a life of being mooched off of.

StyxFerryMan wrote:

I am really amazed he openly said that to your friends after your talk. I don't understand how he couldn't know that telling anyone would screw his relationship with you.

He kept his imbecility well hidden for 3 years :D

OP responded:

I think he probably told them before we had that talk because he did know before my last post.

Cultoooloo wrote:

The easiest way to answer your friends (who don't really sound like friends, sorry about that) is to simply say, "ex-bf was mistaken. My family has money. I do not." If they ask for expensive loans or whatever, you just say it's not in your budget.

Talk about your budget enough and they'll get the hint. "Oh, I sew this new Michael Kors purse/amazing 3d printer/rare book. Wish I could have it, but it's not in my budget."

All perfectly true. You set yourself a budget to live within, even if it's well below your means.

Or get friends who understand that concept.

Keelayna wrote:

I have a friend whom I met after he came into his money (from family) and he told me lots of stories of friends he lost because of the money. Mainly they would ask for 10k here to help buy this and 20k there to help pay debt and after a little while he found they were avoiding him.

He finally realized they didn't want to be asked to pay back the money so he said "listen guys, I care more about our friendship than the money. Forget about and let's just be friends."

At most it took 3 months for them to ask him for more money. Sh#$ty people will always be sh#$ty people. You'll find good ones out there who don't care about your money.