'My BF and I were going to move in together. Then, he bought a 87k truck without telling me.' UPDATED 3X

"My bf and I were supposed to move in together. Two weeks ago, he bought a 87k truck without telling me. I refuse to move in with him."

I'm very annoyed. He didn't even speak to me about it. We had so many discussions about moving in together, getting married and then he goes and purchases a truck 2k more than his yearly salary. If you're asking how can a truck be 87k, that's the price you get when you put every addition you want on it. He showed me the truck expecting me to be excited and I was livid.

When he bought this truck, we were only a month from moving in together. We got into a bad argument where he told me it was his money and he could do whatever he wanted with it. So I said fine, and I told him I'm not comfortable moving in with him anymore. I asked my landlord if my apartment was still available and if I could renew my lease and they said yes.

Now my BF is saying he cant afford his place and his truck. I don't feel bad. You should have thought of that before buying something so expensive without talking to your gf of 2 years. I have had some of his friends' gf reach out to me and say I should support him and one even say that I'm not loyal and this shows I wouldn't support him if we were married since I run away when finances get bad.

That's bulls**t. He didn't lose his job or get hurt. He bought an expensive item without discussing it. I have been trying to get him to return the truck because it's already affecting his finances badly. He has only had this truck for two weeks and he is worried that in the next month or two, he wont be able to cover all the expenses he usually has.

This past weekend, we had another argument and I think our relationship is going to end. Im not helping him pay for this truck and I'm not moving in with him. I have asked for a break and will be thinking about what to do.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update/clarification.

EDIT: I appreciate the different opinions everyone has given me. I have a lot to think about. To answer two questions, no he doesn't need the truck. He works from home and if he has to check in at work, he has an office.

Also, his friends and their girlfriends know about this issue because he asked for their views when we went to a get together last week. Only two GFs reached out to me to tell me I wasn't being supportive. The others have minded their business.

The comments came rolling in.

_A-Q wrote:

Good job recognizing a bad situation when you see one. This dude fully expected you to supplement his lifestyle after moving in together. All his money would have gone to paying that truck, leaving you stuck with the lion’s share of the bills. And that’s why he’s panicking now. Stay in your own apartment OP.

nobodynocrime wrote:

And he had the audacity to say that it was his money and he could do what he wanted with it knowing full well he would have to live out of the truck if OP didn't supplement for him. Really tells you what he thinks about OP's money (that its his money too). Entitled a*s. I would dump him so hard.

littlemissmoxie wrote:

Yeah no. You were right to put yourself first. He’s going to end up drowning in debt. Least you won’t be there to see it. Would imagine he though he could make you take the majority of rent and household expenses while he just put money in his truck.

shame-the-devil wrote:

The minute he was expecting you to help finance his life, it ceased to be “his money”. You absolutely did the right thing, that man was going to use you to pay for his expensive ass truck. Ask your friends gf’s if they want to give up their life to finance his mistakes, cause you sure as hell won’t. And shouldn’t! It’ll only get worse if you enable him. He’d be coming home with a Ferrari next.

123TEKKNO wrote:

You 100% did the right thing here. I can't stress enough how much living with him would suck. I've been with people like him, it's not fun at all to constantly be stressed over where YOU are going to get money to pay for rent, food and other bills because of THEIR last impulsive spending spree.

My only tip to you now is: Get rid of him. He showed who he is and what he expects from you - believe him now that he has shown you. And if his friends call again: Don't answer.

The only thing they are doing is stealing your energy, and you don't have to take that. I am so very happy that you had the sense to see this bullshit for what it is and not move in with him. I wish I had done the same back in the days, so that I didn't know what it is like to live with people who have absolutely no regard for my mental health or what I had to do to get the bills paid. Stay strong! You've got this.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Yea, so I broke up with him mainly because I realized we aren't financially compatible. Before I go into what happened, iI do want to say something. I understand we weren't married but we were both moving together into a new place and had several discussions about this move and our plans for the future, including marriage.

For the people private messaging me saying its his money and he can do whatever he wants or, you're only two years into a relationship, you're not a wife. I know that and I have never asked what is in his bank account or told him what to do financially.

I'm aware it's his money, but I also know his financial situation and he was making decisions without my input that, if we were to stay together, would not only affect him but also our relationship and our financial situation for years to come. I will die on this hill: this is not ok and if it's ok for you, that's fine but for me, if we make a financial plan and you make a huge decision without me.

I won't be ok with it and that's a big reason why I backed out of moving into a new apartment with him. I would have never made a decision like this without his input at all. The main reason why we decided to move in together was to take the next step in our relationship but also to pay down our debts. I now have 22k debt from student loans and a car.

When I met him though it was around 60k and I was basically living on credit cards. Within the first couple of months of us dating, I saw how hard he worked and with a salary at 85k, he was making huge process in paying off his loans and credit cards. On my end, at the time, I was only making 50k. I honestly saw his work ethic and was like wow and got serious about my debt.

I got a second part-time job where i was making 32k a year, bringing my salary to 82k. I did that so that I could pay off my debts faster but also so that we could be on equal footing when we moved in together and he didn't have to pay significantly more in living expenses than me when he had more debt.

We did a complete budget months before we moved in together and realized that we would each have 700 dollars extra a month to put towards our own individual budgets. This is why the purchase of this truck was so surprising to me. We had planned this move for months. We had a budget and he destroyed that plan with the truck.

If he wanted a new car, there are plenty of cars he could have gotten that would have fit into the 700 monthly surplus he had. Anyway for the past few days before we broke up, he tried to show me that this truck was a good financial purchase and we could still move in together. He told me that he had actually budgeted for this and could show me how he could afford this.

I wanted to hear him out so I went to his place and he had two budgets. He said he had been thinking of getting this truck for some time and he had worked out a budget beforehand. He showed me the first budget and after his truck, insurance, expenses, and his debts he was left with 115 dollars for the month. I noticed with the first budget, he didn't include groceries, his hobbies, going out or even gas.

I asked him how 115 dollars was enough to live off of for an entire month? I asked him how he could afford all of this and his truck and if he planned to give up some things. He said no he didn't plan to give up anything and that he could make everything work in his budget. I asked him what if he had an emergency or needed gas for his truck and he just kept saying he would work it out w/o explaining how.

After I saw the first budget, I asked to see the documents for the car and that's how I found out the truck price was 95k total after taxes, registration and fees. He traded in his reliable 2003 Toyota and all his savings to get a loan at 14 percent for 72 months. His monthly payment is now 1966 and insurance is 573. He also still has student loans which are significant.

I kept telling him 115 dollars left over monthly wasn't enough. That's when he showed me his second budget which had a combined higher monthly income. I asked him if he was getting a second job and he said due to his first job relying on him to be on call, he couldn't. I asked where the income was coming from and this man said, well you're getting a raise soon.

I froze because I had mentioned this raise once months ago. My first job is my career job and I work in a field where when you hit certain milestones, you get a pay bump. In September, if my raise is approved, I will go from 50k to 80k, and with my second job, my total yearly income will be 112k. But getting the raise isn't a guarantee.

You have to meet certain criteria and if you don't, you have to wait three months before trying again. When he said that, I was quiet and then I said: so you planned a budget that included additional income that I wouldn't get for at least 6 months and income that I might not even get in eSptember.

He said when I got my raise, the ratio of what he would pay would decrease and he would have more disposable income. I asked him why it was ok for him to plan budgets with my income but yet i had no say in how he spent his. He couldn't answer that.

I told him I had no issue with paying more bills if I got a raise but the fact that he banked on that, didn't discuss it, and now expects me to be ok with this is ridiculous. I also said there's no way i wouldn't be paying more with the first budget because he wouldn't have been able to survive on 115 dollars.

I told him he didn't communicate and this is on him because he made huge financial plans without discussing anything. Finally I told him I would never have done any of this without going to him first because i thought we were a team that was building something. I ended things the next day and he has been trying to reach out but im not interested. He has financially crippled himself with this truck.

If with my income now, he could barely make it, he sure isn't making it on his own. I really hope that things work out for him and he is able to keep his truck and recover but im not paying the consequences for such a massive financial mistake that is going to hugely affect him for years to come. If I were to stay, this financial decision affects me as well and would continue to affect both of us for years.

Again this is different from becoming ill or losing a job. He chose this and refuses to budge and fix it. I now realize we are not financially compatible and that's ok and I wish him the best.

The internet fully had OP's back.

is_a_waterbottle_All wrote:

I have to ask is, how are you handling this with so much grace? I would be PISSED if my ex who I was so emotionally invested in, pulled this on me. It’s not just that he made an irresponsible decision, it’s the fact that he thought he could leech off you and your money to pay it, and somehow blindside you to get away with that.

You don’t badmouth him a single time and did the right thing immediately (break up), and have already accepted that you both are incompatible. I’m in awe of how decisive and yet non-aggressive you were, I wish I could be that way🥲

OP responded:

To answer your question about why I'm not bad mouthing him, its because I'm sad. I'm sad about what he did to himself and that i had to leave because he isn't seeing how bad this is is. I'm sad that just a few months ago, I was planning us living together and a life and now that's gone. Most of all, I'm sad for him.

He was doing so well and he rubbed off on me immensely in terms of paying off debt and watching your spending. Im sad that he threw away all his hard work. Dumping on him even more isn't worth it because when he realizes this mistake, it will be so bad for him. I don't see a point to do it but I'm not judging anyone who would in these circumstances.

Ubergeek2001 wrote:

You are very smart. I have a wife like you and we are going to retire comfortably because of that.

FrugalLivingIsAnArt responded:

People who will give her grief over this either have no idea how marriage is supposed to work or are bad with their finances. Financial incompatibility is a huge deal in relationships, and she is being incredibly mature here.

TurtleDive1234 wrote:

I. AM. SO. PROUD. OF. YOU!!! I really wish more young women were as firm in their boundaries and as wise about finances as you are. Mind you, this doesn’t make him a bad person, but it does give you an insight into what the future would be like with him.

DestructicusDawn wrote:

Good for you. Real sleazy move and he's an absolute moron for trying to pull something like that. It's insane that this dude thought you would just be alright paying for his new truck. He was 100% aware of what he was doing and I'm glad you got out.

Seven months later, OP shared another major update.

Hi, everyone. So I posted a few months about a situation I was dealing with my ex and him buying a car without telling me. I really doubted myself when I first made my first post because I had received such strong negative reactions from other people about me wanting to back out of the move.

I appreciate the comments I got not only on the posts but through the messages as well. It really helped solidify, for me that these feelings I had about the situation shouldn't be ignored.

So thank you guys for responding because it saved me financially. Looking back at the situation now months later, I can see that I was being set up to be financially ab-sed. When I broke up with my ex, i thought that we were financially incompatible and that unfortunately it took this large purchase happening to see it.

But I can see now, that's not the case. My ex made a plan in his head and what made sense to him was for me to pay most of the expenses and he thought this was okay and that I should be okay with it too. Even though I can see the reality of what he was trying to do, I can't hate my ex because he helped start me on this path of looking at my finances.

I remember when we first started dating and I went to pay for an item I was getting and my card declined and without batting an eye, even though it was a little embarrassing, I took out another card and paid. I was used to this happening every once in a while, because I was literally living paycheck up to paycheck. I'm not putting down anyone where that's the case.

But in my situation then, I was living way above my means. I would justify every single want and get it and I thought because I was making minimum payments and on time, I wasn't as bad as the next person. When the situation with my card happened, after we got back to my ex's car, he kindly asked if this type of thing happens all the time and I told him sometimes and he basically gave me advice.

He did not try to force me to stop spending. He asked me to track my purchases and recommended a few apps. The first 2 months that we were seeing each other, he would encourage me every other day or every once in a while, to just track what I spent, to shop like I usually did, but to track everything.

Being able to see how much I was spending, especially when I broke it down into categories was astounding. There was one month I spent sixty eight dollars on bagels. It wasn't for work. It wasn't for other people. It was me stopping at a bagel place every morning and getting a bagel. I would sometimes get variations, which is why the bagels cost so much.

Once I realized how much I was spending on stupid things, my ex helped me make a plan that would work for me and that plan has continued to consistently work. I have added to it and changed things or tweaked things as my financial status has continued to improve, and so far, so good.

This is why I don't have any bad feelings about my ex. He never pushed for me to pay my bills in front of him. He never saw credit card statements on apps, nothing. He only kept encouraging me to look at my finances and fix them. He helped give me the foundation to start to manage my finances and I thought in my head that we were on the same page.

And because he was such a stickler for finances and he was so frugal, that is why this truck purchase was such a surprise to me. It was unplanned, not discussed, was a large amount of money and, just knowing the general view of how much debt he had, I know without a doubt that there was no way he could afford this truck.

I'm not trying to paint my ex as a saint. I am explaining why he had such a positive impact on me financially. So when the truck purchase happened, and he refused to budge, I honestly was shocked and seeing how bad this situation was, i had to walk away. It's been about 6 months since everything's happened and I'm doing very well. I recently paid off my student loans last month.

I now only have my car left so a few grand left to pay. I also have a small savings. Because of that, i have changed the focus and im putting the majority of my income now towards my car. I'm not rich by any means, but i'm definitely living within my means and i'm okay with that.

The last two things I am updating on are my raise and my ex's truck. I had a few people message me about the raise and unfortunately I did not get it due to a big mistake i made on a project. Once I realized the mistake, I knew that it would jeopardize things for my raise because I had made the mistake so close to my evaluation and I didn't get the raise.

But I fixed the mistake, and when I get reevaluated after three months, i am hopeful I get it this time. Losing the possibility of the raise made me realize even more that I had made the right decision because I would be so screwed right now if I hadn't ended my relationship.

With my ex, we have spoken once and that is when we broke up. I cut communication completely, because he was still trying to fix things without addressing the truck and the fact that he was keeping it. I know from a person close to him that actually four months after we broke up, he did a voluntary repossession. I also know the truck is gone, because he deleted all the pictures he had of it.

I was actually relieved to hear that for him because he can hopefully start to fix the situation he got himself in. I really do want the best for my ex and I don't know the thought process that led to him getting this truck, or what could have influenced him, but hopefully he can get back to where he was and make more improvements. The relationship is finished and there is no hope of rekindling anything.

Even though he returned the truck, I could never go back to him because the trust is gone. It wasn't only the money. It was also him making such a vital decision without me, expecting me to go along with it, and then vilifying me when I had viable concerns. I can't move past that. Yes, money isn't everything, but I can't stop thinking about what my life would be like now had I stayed.

My student loans would not be paid off. We would both be broke. We would both be in worse off financial positions. All of these things would have affected the relationship negatively, which would have made it unhealthy. Im glad we broke up and I have forgiven him for what he tried to do to me.

I stand and I will continue to stand by the view that finances are a breakable offense, especially when your partner isn't listening to you and does something that will affect both of you. If you don't agree that's fine, but these last few months have proved that to me.So that's my longish update, and again, I really want to say thank you guys for responding to my first post.

I honestly was leaning towards staying with him and not moving in, and I think in the long run, I would have been financially devastated and taken advantage of right now and because of the different opinions i read, It made me realize how bad not only the situation was, but also how bad it could get, so thanks.

A very, very, very, very small, humble brag. I posted my paid in full student loan email on my profile, so if you want to see that you can click that post but you don't have to. Sorry, i'm just so proud of that fact. Ok bye :)

The internet was happy to hear from OP again.

Mylife_is_a_diceroll wrote:

I remember your post. I'm glad you made the right decision, also hurray student loans being paid off!

trvllvr wrote:

I can tell you what motivated or was the catalyst for his decision to buy the truck. It was you mentioning your possible raise. He always wanted the truck, but learning you’d could be making more he jumped the gun and purchased it in advance. He was betting on the raise, he didn’t think of the possibility that you wouldn’t get it. He thought it was a guarantee.

Honestly, be glad he did it when he did. Could you imagine if he waited until you did move in together? Then you’d be more trapped due to having signed a lease with him. He would have screwed your credit, even if you didn’t/couldn’t help him pay for the truck having your name on the lease and him not paying his portion would affect you.

He also would have guilted you into helping by paying more even if you still only made the same amount because he’d be struggling. I couldn’t imagine if you had gotten the raise, he’d probably guilt you into keeping your second job, because then you could help him more. Glad you stuck to your decision.

I get it’s his money to do with as he wishes. However, he seemed to think as did those who sided with him that your money was his too. That he could make decisions about your money and how it was spent, but you couldn’t do the same. Honestly, too, you didn’t try to control his decision or his money. You were controlling what happened to your money.

YamahaRyoko wrote:

Okay hear me out.

Financial literacy should be taught as a course in high school.

Grats OP on your development.

Last_Friend_6350 wrote:

Glad it worked out for you. I remember reading your post at the time and being horrified both at the purchase and his attitude towards it and you. How strange that he helped you get your finances in order and then did this. Almost like he had a mental break.

You were so right to have left him - no discussion on buying such a truck or how the payments would be made is so reckless and an immediate end to the relationship. So glad that you paid off your student loans - that’s a big achievement. Well done!

ScarlettLovexo wrote:

I'm so proud of you for making such a tough but wise decision. You took control of yur life nd finances, nd it's inspiring to see how you've turned things arnd. Paying off your student loans is such an incredible achievement, congratulations! You’re clearly stronger and more focused now, and I’m sure you’ll continue to grow.

Thank you for sharing yur journey nd reminding us that we can all make better choices, even wen they’re hard. Wishing you all the best moving forward...