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'My BF put me down repeatedly during a party last night. I won't let this be a new thing.' UPDATED

'My BF put me down repeatedly during a party last night. I won't let this be a new thing.' UPDATED

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Jokes are supposed to be funny, not a shield for hurting someone without consequences.

"Boyfriend put me down repeatedly during a party last night, and I haven't been able to sleep, don't know what to do, but I won't live like that if this is going to become a new thing."

We have been dating for a little over a year, but we were friends for three years before that. He was never like this before now and idk where it's coming from but it just makes me so upset. We had some friends and some new people we were trying to get to know over, and at one point, I guess as an icebreaker, someone brought up favorite movies and we all started giving top threes.

We all oohed and ahhed appropriately, as well as, "oh I haven't seen that one, what is it about?" and similar. Well, when it got to me, I listed them and my boyfriend who had been drinking to be fair, started laughing and talking about how bad each of them were respectively, and I tried to laugh along.

But then he was like laughing at me, and saying "so you admit you have bad taste? You admit your taste sucks? Why do I ever let you pick movies again?" and like would not drop it.

Like, someone had already tried to continue to their favorites and he just circled it back like: "See how those movies are actually worth watching? I mean what were you thinking?" Just laughing his head off again and again. It got ridiculous, like whenever I went to make popcorn, he side-eyed me and asked the group if they thought I could 'handle that' alone.

Not the last time he brought it up, he continued to randomly make fun of me throughout the night, no matter what we were talking about in that moment, and eventually even the other people there started getting uncomfortable with the comments. Idk if he didn't notice that or what, but I was so embarrassed that at one point I had to excuse myself to the restroom to calm down.

After they left I asked him what that was about and he just looked at me all confused, and when I explained he asked if I was really going to "make a big deal" about some "jokes", and rolled his eyes before going to bed.

To give you context, because I know it seems like I'm freaking out over nothing, more than one of the people invited have reached out to me to ask if everything is okay, and if him and I are fighting, because his behavior was so uncharacteristically mean-spirited. I haven't responded to any of them yet because I'm so f-ing embarrassed and upset. Like why the f- would he act like that?

Part of me feels like he was genuinely trying to joke, but alc-hol made him overshoot into being a d-k, but if we don't have a real conversation when he wakes up I'm done, I grew up in a house where I was always the butt of the joke and I'm not going to spend my adult life in that situation as well. I can't. I am putting this here because I don't want to talk to anyone about it irl until I get his side, fully.

Because if I talked to my friends about how I feel right now, I know they'll jump to "pack up what stuff you have at his place before he wakes up and go home," and like, I don't really need advice right now just to vent about my boyfriend acting like a total douche-bag.

TL;DR: BF decided to try to embarrass me in front of friends as well as near strangers to the point friends are reaching out in concern. Hoping it was the alcohol talking, but if it wasn't I have bigger issues.

The internet shared their thoughts in the comment section.

SerynSera wrote:

That's so tiring and frustrating to read. I can perfectly imagine how confusing it is to be treated like this by the person who claims they love you. I am so sorry, I don't know why he did it but I know that you don't deserve it.

OP responded:

Thank you, I don't know either, it has really been weighing on me, I haven't been able to sleep all night because I can't stop thinking about it. It's just. rough.

crnm wrote:

Next time he talks about your taste look him dead in the eye and say that now you trully realize how terrible your taste really is. And then drop him.

thrway_1182 wrote:

I know it’s embarrassing, but I’m actually happy for you that multiple people reached out to you about his behavior. That means when he hits you with the “you’re overreacting to a joke” line, you can combat his gaslighting by showing him that MULTIPLE people also thought he was out of line.

Then he can make a choice. He can either sincerely apologize and limit his drinking going forward, or he can live his life without you in it. Those are his options, plain and simple.

ETA: If it helps, OP, I’d rather be you than him any day of the week. I’d rather be a nice girl with questionable movie taste (and I’m sure your choices were fine, I’m just saying) than a boorish, disrespectful drunk who humiliates his partner for no reason. I think you’re better than him. Also, I like your friends. I’m glad you have people in your life who would back you up if you want to get out.

evh88 wrote:

That was sh-ty behavior and make sure you don’t stand for it. I am super curious about the movies you listed though, what were they?

OP responded:

Sure, haha. My favorite movie of all time is Girl Interrupted, Next up is the 1967 Bonnie and Clyde, and then The Descent, or Creep 2.

His complaints ranged from Girl Interrupted being a "Joker movie for chicks" to making fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being an old movie, to including Creep 2 but not the first one- "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" - and the answer is just... me? I do? ://

Super-Island9793 wrote:

I think how he responds when he is sober will be telling. If he is genuinely sorry and recognizes he went to far, is apologetic then you can work through it. If he doubles down or minimizes it then that’s a big red flag.

If you can, I’d write down everything he said throughout the night. Also show him the texts you received asking if everything is ok. Let him know his behavior was noted by others and they were shocked at how rude he was being.

OP responded:

That's how I feel as well. If he apologizes and understands that it was really weird and mean, I'll be happy to take this as "dr-nk guy shoves his foot all the way into his mouth", and move on, but if he tried to keep the "just a joke" thing going sober it would be really hard for me to want to stay.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

So things went a little differently than I had hoped, but was still okay. I woke up after finally falling asleep when he went to work, (I was still at his place) and woke up the next morning to a couple dozen messages from him, and calls, all apologizing, all seeming pretty panicked, which if you knew his history was reason for alarm.

Searched the house but he wasn't home, I called him back to find him at his friend's house- I was still at his place, and a lot of his panic attack ramblings made it sound like he had three reasons for not coming back to his place after his shift

He didn't want to me wake up with him there because he was scared it would make me uncomfortable.

He needed someone to talk to right then and didn't want to wake me, (valid, and I'm thankful I needed the sleep)

He wasn't sure he could face what he thought was an inevitable break-up in that frame of mind.

It was pretty clear that his anxiety had gotten a hold of him, and he wasn't handling it well at all, but by the time he got home, he was calm.

\I made us coffee, and we sat down and talked. His version of events was that when he started making the jokes everyone laughed, and he thought I genuinely didn't mind, and by the time it seemed everyone was uncomfortable with them, he was too far gone to notice. He did not remember our brief discussion after everyone left but didn't deny he said it.

He basically said: "Yeah, I guess in the frame of mind I was in, that makes sense." He also apologized profusely, and repeatedly. He looked close to tears the entire time, though he never actually cried, and had a hard time keeping eye contact. I told him it really upset me, and that he knew my history and why I didn't want to be made into a joke by someone who was supposed to love me.

He agreed vehemently and said he understood entirely, and all he wanted was a chance to apologize and make it up to me. I asked how he planned to do that, and he said he was going to stop drinking, period. (Something I wasn't too surprised to hear was on the table, I mentioned in the comments of the last post, that he hardly ever drinks).

He said on top of that, he was going to offer to sit down and watch all of the movies on my list with me since he hadn't actually seen three of the four, but he understood if I didn't want to watch them with him. I explained about the text messages, and he was horrified, and said he would reach out to everyone we invited, and apologize personally.

I was pretty satisfied at this point, and just happy to call it a fluke, though I did express to him that I had considered leaving when he said what he said about it being a joke, and that if it happened again I couldn't promise I wouldn't. We did end up watching two of the movies he hadn't seen, and the other two are also on the docket.

He didn't love Creep 2, he liked the first one better, but he was pleasantly surprised by Bonnie and Clyde, and he took me out for Indian food as well, a real treat, because as he will tell you himself- he has Pilgrim taste buds, and since I'm the non-fussy one in the relationship most of the time we go out, it's for burgers or Chicken tendy's haha.

I've forgiven him, and I know a lot of people disagree with that idea, but I'm no saint either, and I'd hate for him to judge our relationship based on the worst thing I've ever done, so I won't do that to him. Especially not when he's so willing to ensure nothing similar will ever happen again.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, and if it became a pattern I would leave, but one bad night isn't enough for me to throw away three years of friendship, and one year of an amazing relationship.

TL;DR: We worked it out, and he's not a monster, just a bit of an idiot when he drinks. He subtracted the alcohol so now we have 0 no problem.

The commenters were invested in the resolution.

weeb2242 wrote:

So glad it worked out! I'm also curious, what was the worst thing you've ever done in that relationship??

OP responded:

That would be a toss-up between ignoring him for a full day because I was pissed off, knowing that it would upset him, instead of talking to him. Or the time I went through his phone early on in the relationship, 0 reason to do so other than me gaining a sudden suspicious nature out of nowhere.

He didn't even really get mad over either, he was just disappointed, and I apologized for both, made amends and we moved past it. The first one was actually probably the worst, but I really didn't think about his anxiety or anything during that time and he thought I ghosted him for no reason, that was a pretty shitty thing to do.

ChapparitaCraft wrote:

The thing about forgiveness and doing something wrong, is you have to Earn forgiveness to be deserving of it and I think he really did what needed to be done.

SmurfX93 wrote:

Really happy it's worked out 😁

Sources: Reddit
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