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'My BF refused to sign his divorce papers because his ex showed up with a baby bump.' UPDATED 2X

'My BF refused to sign his divorce papers because his ex showed up with a baby bump.' UPDATED 2X


One thing is for sure, you don't want to get seriously involved with someone still pining over their ex.

"My (F30) BF (M40) refused to sign his divorce papers because his ex showed up with a baby bump."

My bf and I have been together for a bit over a year now. He was married before and they broke up because my bf wanted children. This was a couple of years ago. Now they have been separated for 2 years and can start the divorce. When I met him he was honest with me about him wanting children. A dream I shared with him. He hadn’t seen or talked to his ex since the separation.

We were supposed to get engaged once the divorce is finalized but they both need to sign the papers or it could drag. I was worried that she wouldn’t sign because from what I heard from my bf’s family, she was crazy about him and didn’t want a divorce. Little did I know that it would come from him. I went with him to her lawyer’s office where they would make it final. I wanted to support him.

She wasn’t what I expected. She wasn’t devastated like my bf’s family expected. She looked serene, beautiful, lovely and totally over my bf. She had her hand on her very pregnant belly. She was pleasant to me and she basically knew who I was. She cared so little to even act like she didn’t know anything about her soon to be ex’s and his new girlfriend.

She admitted that she knew through mutual friends and that she kept following his news. She was happy that he looked happy. My bf was shocked. She asked how he was. Instead of answering her he started yelling at her and shaking with anger/anguish. He refused to sign the papers and told her he would make her life miserable. She was very distraught but he told her to stop acting confused.

She knew what she did. He left. He even forgot that I was there he just left. I half apologized but she said that I didn’t need to. She apologized instead. Then her lawyer asked if he could drive her home because he didn’t want her driving while shaking. He asked me in I too needed a ride. I said that I could take an Uber but he insisted. The drive was awkward.

I found out that her partner was away on business and they have been together for almost two years. When I got home I was exhausted. My bf didn’t call or text or anything. I called his mom and she said to give him time because he loved me and to be patient because he just needed time. But what time? This was Thursday. Today he came with breakfast and said that he needed time.

I asked if he was signing the papers and he said no. Then that he didn’t want to talk about it but to trust him that he needed time. In other words, he doesn’t want to discuss what happened with me.

The next day, OP jumped on with an update/edit.

Edit (next day): I got her side of the story.

I had a long talk with her and she was crying all the time and saying how sorry she was about what happened. They were together since they were 19 and very early both agreed that they didn’t want children. They are both 40.

About 4-5 years ago, she fell pregnant. He wanted to keep it but she didn’t. Their relationship deteriorated rapidly after the abortion. According to her, he was very broken afterwards and she tried everything to make it work. She loved him and didn’t want a separation. He ended the marriage anyway because he said that he couldn’t stay together anymore.

For her, she too had trauma after the abortion. When she fell pregnant with her new bf, she decided that she couldn’t do it again and decided to keep the baby even if the relationship is very new. Her bf seems to be very supportive but she said that even if he wasn’t she made the choice to keep her baby even if the father didn’t want to be a part of it.

So in other words her abortion changed her as well as it changed my bf. I believe her. She seemed very genuine. She said that she was happy that he had moved on and that she thought that I seemed great because she hurt him and he was always a great husband and partner and deserved someone great and amazing like him. I told her that my bf probably thinks that she wanted children, just not with him.

She started crying. She said that she wouldn’t blame him for thinking that and that she doesn’t know how she would make him believe that it wasn’t the case. That when she had the abortion and was regretful, she couldn’t burden him with her trauma and tell him that because she didn’t want to put more salt to the wound. That her regret came too little too late.

I don’t know. I feel for her and for him. I want him to understand that things happen sometimes without it being someone’s fault. She didn’t reject him as a father to her children. Her experience with her own body is what changed not her experience with him. Will he understand that and come to me? I love him and I want him to know that I have chosen him.

The comments came rolling in.

Ibba60222 wrote:

Think about how he treated her IN FRONT of people. Imagine how he must have treated her behind closed doors. She was smart not to have a child with him. If she actually told him she didn’t want children, maybe she knew he wouldn’t be a good father, because he sure isn’t a good person.

kimvy wrote:

And you could say the same thing about her. Maybe she aborted two pregnancies, played games. We don’t know. Why do we always default to “men are sh*tbags & women are innocent naifs?”

OP responded:

She had an ab*rtion yes. This was a few years before the marriage ended. It didn’t recover after it and my bf had to end it. His mother and sister in law told me on two separate occasions so they didn’t lie.

Limiyanna wrote:

Did he tell you she didn't want the divorce? Or did she confirm that? He doesn't seem the most honest person right now, so take what he says as possibly not true. Either way, there are lots of holes and things don't all make sense.

OP responded:

He never talked about her. He never said she was the crazy ex or anything and he is very respectful of other people. This is what his family and mutual friends said. She didn’t want a divorce and begged him to stay but the marriage deteriorated after she had an abortion(Only the mother and the sister in law knew about this part).

StackstyleJack wrote:

I feel as though he's not wrong at all. He had a change of heart once she got pregnant but she stuck to the original script. I've wanted to keep a baby and the girl aborted and it's devastating. I think the real devastation for him was her wanting a baby with the new guy. It's a lose lose all around. He must be so confused. I feel for the guy honestly.

He likely does love you but the wounds he carries with him are intense and signify long-suffering. Tread lightly he is probably experiencing a form of PTSD. Let him heal. Once you have the baby he will start to come around I believe. Children have that affect. Don't judge him. He's suffering. It will only push him away. She said it herself that he is a great guy. Be great back.

OP responded:

Yeah. I have given him all the space he wants. He will need to make a decision and actually talk to me about his feelings if this is ever gonna work. I know that he is a great person. Who was badly hurt. But now I know that she didn’t hurt him. The circumstances did. There is no villain here.

permanentlypartial wrote:

The lawyer sees a lot of people at their worst, and he was worried about both of you, not just his pregnant client. Please care about yourself at least as much as the lawyer who could easily have let you take the uber.

ConvivialKat wrote:

Wait. He LEFT you? He left you. Just drove away and left you?

Then went radio silent for days? And, then, just showed up and said you need to give him time??

Holy crap, girl. Please pick your dignity up off the floor, dust it off, and start using it! He left you. I'm so gobsmacked you didn't just immediately block him on everything. Because he showed you who he is. Believe him. No wonder the woman didn't want to have kids with this guy. He's wacko. And, he THREATENED her in front of her attorney. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Charlieh1986 wrote:

There's a reason she didn't want a baby with him and just by his reaction and how he treated you both surely that tells you he isn't over her. He's using not signing as revenge. Do you really want to be with someone like that. If I was you I would run.

Five days later, OP jumped on with another update.

I will make my update short: My bf apologized and ended our relationship. He kissed me and told me that he loved me and that I deserved much better than someone like him. He realized that he wasn’t ready to move on and bring in an innocent third party to his miss. He needs time to heel before starting something new. Now he just wants to travel and have ONS and live a single life.

He apologized profusely. We met at the wrong time. He also said something that made me start crying uncontrollably. I felt that he would rather raise someone else’s child than start a family with me like we were planning and dreaming. He said he had asked about his ex and her life and her new bf from mutual friends. They haven’t been together for long so there’s a chance that the relationship doesn’t work.

He would then try to reconnect with her. Yes. That’s his plan. I almost threw up listening to his wishful thinking. I told him to leave. He apologized again. He has not called or texted since.

The comments came pouring in.

Divorced_life wrote:

Refusing to get divorced because she's pregnant by another man and he wants to raise that baby is WILD. You dodged a bullet. Even without the pregnancy, he was going to stay obsessed with her.

OP responded:

He apologized to her and signed the paperwork. His mom said that he was just in shock but he did it

Few-Customer-1317 wrote:

Did you tell his ex? I feel like this kind of unhinged thinking is something his ex should know about. To protect her and her baby.

OP responded:

Yes I texted her. She called me crying and she apologized for everything. She doesn’t seem alarmed by his wishful thoughts

Signal_Historian_456 wrote:

"He kissed me and told me that he loved me." No he doesn’t. And you should reach out to the ex and tell her about his plans. She’s dating her bf for 2 years and both want this baby, the guy is happy to become a father. Tell me what you want, but it sounds like he wants to insert himself and mess with their relationship.

OP responded:

I didn’t tell him about my conversation with her because why would I? But yeah, the ex is not leaving her bf anytime soon. She seems happy and her bf seems equally happy in their relationship

RiskyWhiskyBusiness wrote:

Contrary to what a lot of people are saying, I don't think your ex is garbage. I think you've really dodged a bullet here, but he's broken mentally. He needs therapy. Your edit on your original post, followed by this update, makes it abundantly clear that something inside him has broken. He's ashamed, lost his self worth and trying to get it back the only way he knows, putting himself at the mercy of his ex.

OP responded:

I am the of the same opinion as you actually. He is not garbage at all and he’s been a great bf. But he is broken and I dodged a b*llet. He promised to get help and he has already signed the divorce.

It looks like OP is making the wisest choice she could for her future.

Sources: Reddit
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