'My BF said: 'if you can’t handle period cramps how do you want me to build a family with you?' UPDATED 3X

"My (20f) boyfriend (22m) said: 'if you can’t handle period cramps how do you want me to build a family with you.'"

I don’t know what to think, I need outside opinions please! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. Last week, I had slept over at his place. I was semi-awake when I felt him going on top of me. When I eventually opened my eyes, he just screamed “good morning” and went inside of me. I immediately froze.

I then started crying and he immediately stopped and asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t able to tell him, I couldn’t stop crying and at this point he was crying too and apologizing profusely. I called an uber then left. He kept texting/calling me to apologize. I texted him back the next day saying that I accept his apology and I'm sorry too for ruining the moment.

I do want to forgive him but a little part of me feels violated. I know he would never maliciously r-e me but he knows I've been SAed before so why would he think this was an good idea? I want to move on but there’s this little part of me who wonders if he did all of that on purpose. I love him so much, I don’t know what to do. Am I overthinking or overreacting?

The internet did not hold back.

theAmericanStranger wrote:

"When I eventually opened my eyes, he just screamed “good morning” and went inside of me"

UNLESS this was part on an ongoing game/fantasy you both discussed and engaged in the past, which doesn't sound like it based on your story, this was at best sh-ty and selfish move, and in many places would be considered SA.

What worries me more is that you let your love for him blind you so much you felt the need to immediately "accept" his apology and even say you're sorry for "ruining the moment" - this is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship.

You're very young, and the fact you have feeling for him shouldn't make you forget your basic human rights. You are NOT overreacting; tell him you are NOT accepting his apology, and NOT sorry for reacting as you did.

As for what's next that's up to you but please do not compromise. At the very minimum he should be honest about why he did it in the first place, and why he let his lust overcome what he knew about your history. Don't let him make vague excuses, and if he tries to push back any blame on you you know he's not the one.

OP responded:

He has told me before that he wants me to wake him up with s-- and I’ve done it before but I always said that I don’t want to him to do it to me because of my trauma. However, one time we were about to have s-x when I randomly got hit with this wave of fatigue.

I didn’t wanna “ruin” the moment so I let him have s-x with me while I was sleeping. This was the only time I consented to such an act, and it might have given him the impression that I was okay with that. He’s very impulsive and I don’t think he did it maliciously, but then I don’t know. As soon as I started crying, he stopped and he apologized 1000 times. I'm just really lost.

cansandscience242 wrote:

"I know he would never maliciously r-e me"

So, how do you describe what he did there? He penetrated you without consent, without asking for consent, and seemed to time it completely intentionally. That is SA. It wasn't on accident, it was on purpose.

OP responded:

It took me a little while to react and when I started crying he immediately stopped that’s why I don’t think it was malicious. But then why do this in the first place? I'm so lost idk what to do.

jimsp-rngirl wrote:

My best friend went through an almost identical scenario summer. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone for almost a month. With lots of support she found the strength to report it. As tough as it was, she won her case in civil court. Criminal court is still ongoing. These monsters have to be stopped. Be strong and help prevent him from doing it to someone else. SAs do not stop. They get worse.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Hello, my boyfriend and I have not been talking for the past few days because of this incident. Basically, I got my period in the middle of the night, and I woke up to my legs being completely drenched in blood.

I teared up a little bit because I HATE being on my period, so I was really sad about that. I also ruined my boyfriend's sheets, so I was embarrassed too. I couldn't open my legs because I knew I would just bleed more, so I gently woke him up to carry me to the bathroom.

He was kind of annoyed about being woken up, understandably, but I really needed to use the bathroom, and I couldn't walk because I was in pain. I was crying a little bit while he was carrying me (most likely due to the hormones because I'm not usually that sensitive), and when he put me down.

I realized that I wouldn’t be able to take the extra few steps to sit down on the toilet. I also knew that as soon as I opened my legs, blood would just come out. So I then asked him to give me his hand to help me get into the bathtub instead. He was annoyed and said, "Can't you do it yourself?" I said, "No, my stomach hurts."

He then helped me, and I was crying because I knew I was just annoying him. When I eventually came out of the bathroom, he said, "You just ruined all my f-king sheets." I said I was sorry. He then sighed obnoxiously loud to show his annoyance. I said, "I said I was sorry. Can you drop it? You act like you’re the one cramping for a week."

He then said, "Shut the f-k up. My sisters get their period too, and they’re not b--hes about it." I said, "What did you just say?" and he laughed and went to the kitchen. I followed him and grabbed his arm to make him look at me, and he kind of raised his voice and said, "Bro leave me alone. You just ruined my f-king day with your bulls-t."

I said, "Sorry I have my period?" and he was like, "You’re acting like you’re giving birth. Relax." He then followed with, "How do you want us to build a family if you cry at every f-king inconvenience?" I was crying and said, "Wtf does that even have to do with this?" and he said, "See! If you can’t handle period cramps, how do you want me to build a family with you?"

In the moment, I thought it was his way of breaking up with me, and I said, "Are you trying to break up with me right now?" and he said, "You know you can be so stupid sometimes." I said, "What's that supposed to mean?" and he said, "I’m not talking about this anymore, go get some rest."

I tried to talk about it, but he just gave me the silent treatment. Am I wrong in how I handled this? I guess I shouldn’t have woken him up, but I HAD to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t walk. Is there something I can do to fix this?

The internet did not hold back.

succybuss wrote:

I’m going to withhold judgement but have you seen your OBGYN about this? periods should not be akin to a disability where you need to be carried to the bathroom and helped into the bathtub. I’m not saying you’re lying about being in severe enough pain where those things become necessary.

But the fact that you’re 1. Bleeding so severely as to soil the entire bed as soon as your period arrives and 2. Are in too much pain to move yourself around sounds like an underlying medical issue like endometriosis.

OP responded:

No I didn't. But also, it was really late so I was super tired. If it had happened in the middle of the day I would’ve been able to go alone, just taking more time but I really had to go to the bathroom. And for the soiling, okay I don’t think I actually soiled the ENTIRE bed, but there was a very big puddle of blood and all of my inner thighs were completely soaked.

But thank you so much for your input, I just never really thought about seeing someone about this, a lot of my friends have heavy periods / bad cramps so I thought it was normal.

BiddyinTraining wrote:

If the pain is truly that bad, see a doctor. It is not normal. I've *dealt with several issues and severe pain - I won't judge you, but please see a doctor.

Slight_Suggestion_79 wrote:

Girl he’s s-ty but at the same time you need to go to a gyno because this sounds like endo. My aunt had the same kind of pain and would be in so much pain whenever her period came. It ended up being endo.

wor-ziney wrote:

If he acts like this now, imagine how bad he'll be when you're post-childbirth and need to be carried to the bathroom to pass a clot the size of a fist or clean yourself up. Save yourself the headache and dump him.

I can't imagine reacting with irritation if my girlfriend woke up, afraid and in pain and covered in blood? Please don't listen to some of these comments, some people obviously don't know how bad severe periods can be.

Please do check in with your OBGYN to ensure something serious like endometriosis isn't going on. People seriously lack any empathy if they think your romantic partner shouldn't wake you up if they're in pain and need help. That's your life partner, they need to have your back no matter what and vice versa.

itsurbro7777 wrote:

Just a genuine question, maybe I'm missing something. If your cramps were so bad that you couldn't walk and had to be carried to the bathroom and helped into the tub, how were you able to follow him into the kitchen and grab his arm when he made that comment?

What he said isn't okay, but this isn't normal period pain or amounts of blood either. If this is all true you should see a gynecologist and get checked out.

OP responded:

If this had happened during the day, I would’ve been able to go to the bathroom by myself; it would’ve just taken more time. I just needed more help because I had zero energy this late at night, plus I really needed to use the bathroom. I couldn’t walk because of the pain and because I had a lot of blood between my legs.

I knew he would’ve reacted way worse if I had ruined a towel too. I told him to put me down at the entrance of the bathroom, and only then did I realize that I wouldn’t be able to walk the extra steps without making a mess.

purpleorchid2077 wrote:

Sweetheart, you deserve better. He is not the one.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Hello! I made a post about a week ago regarding a situation with my boyfriend. I talked to him yesterday morning, and I wanted to give an update because I saw some comments asking for one. We did not talk after our fight.

I wanted to fix it and move on, but I was really hurt by the way he spoke to me and wanted him to apologize first. He didn’t (I suspected he wouldn’t because he always waits for me to apologize first), so I ended up texting him. My message didn’t go through because he had blocked my number. I tried to text him on Instagram and discovered I was blocked there too.

I then messaged him on Snapchat (he never uses it, so I think he just forgot to block me there). I told him I was sorry (I was but I wasn’t lol) and that I just wanted to talk in person. He ended up coming over, and as soon as he came in, he acted like nothing happened, which just pissed me off.

By the way, I saw a lot of comments saying things like, "How did you not know you were going to be on your period? You’re old enough to know better, etc." I was 5 days late, so I didn’t really know when it would come. I know I should’ve been more prepared, but I had no idea it would happen or that he would react like that.

Anyway, I told him I wanted to talk about what happened because his words still hurt me. I apologized for waking him up, acknowledging his frustration was understandable, and explained I was too weak at the moment to go to the bathroom by myself. He responded, "You acted like you were disabled. If I hadn’t been there, what would you have done?"

I said I would’ve probably pissed my pants or gone alone and spread blood all over the room. I knew he would already be mad because I stained his bed, so I didn’t want to make it worse by staining a towel too. I said I didn’t like the way he was cussing at me and calling me names.

He replied, "Well, let someone else ruin your day with dumb s-t and see how you react." I told him I didn’t think it was dumb s-t; I was in so much pain, and he didn’t show any sympathy. He just looked at me like I said the dumbest thing in the world. I also told him that I scheduled an appointment with an OB-GYN because what I experienced wasn’t normal.

He said, "Well, I just hope next time you won’t piss me off." I asked, "Why are you so mean?" and he didn’t answer; he just went on his phone. I got mad and took his phone (wrong move, I know) because he always dismisses me in the most disrespectful way to make me feel dumb. I took his phone to make him pay attention to me, and he tried to take it back a few times.

I said I wanted to finish the conversation, and he just got even angrier. He ended up grabbing my wrist and twisting it to make me drop it. I obviously started crying, and he was like, "What the f-k are you crying about? You did this to yourself." Through tears, I said I just wanted to talk to him. He mocked me, and at this point, I was so hurt I just told him to leave.

He left, and in the heat of the moment, I texted him saying it was over. I started thinking about all the messed up things he did or said to me and how he literally SAWed me. A couple of hours later, his sister (my very good friend) sent me a huge text asking if I was okay.

She said her brother told her I "went crazy" and that he was worried for me but that I just broke up with him out of nowhere. I haven’t responded yet because I’m too ashamed to reveal what happened. I don’t know what to do. She said he just wants everything to go back to normal and that he misses our trio (me, him, and his sister).

I’ve been thinking about the whole situation since yesterday, and yes, I miss him more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my entire life, but I HATE the way he speaks to me. I feel like if he changes that one thing, we could be perfect. I don’t really know what to do. His sister says he’s been heartbroken about this, and I believe her—she’s never lied to me. I need opinions; what would you do? Thank you!!

The internet was quick to respond.

ButWaitThatNVM wrote:

Stay broken up. There’s no reason for a relationship to be this hard.

OP responded:

No, but if you’re going to stay with someone for your ENTIRE life, isn’t it normal to go through difficult moments together?

AproposofDiddly wrote:

When a man shows you who he is, believe him. Him verbally berating you about your menstrual cycle is mental abuse. Him twisting your arm is physical a$$-lt. He is an ab#sive partner. Be strong in your conviction to break up with him and stay far, far away.

OP responded:

But the thing is he wasn’t always like this. I remember when I was struggling with depression I became very irritable but it’s just because I was going through something. I don’t feel like that’s who he is. I just wanna understand why.

BionicGimpster wrote:

I’d like you to ignore all the comments, and read your post from 38 days ago, where he SAed you while you were just waking up. Then your first post about how angry he got and the words he used when you got blood on the bed. Then, your update where he put hands on you.

What advice would you objectively give another woman asking for your advice? You need to get rid of this guy. At the least he’s an ab#ser and a r#pist. This will progress to more violence. Get out- as fast as you can. Please.

OP responded:

I wanna believe you I really do. But IDK why I have this voice in my head telling me that he’s just going through something and he’s taking out on me. It’s not right but I have done it before when I was going through things and in reality I just wanted people to help me. And I wanna be that person for him. But then what you’re saying makes sense too. I’m just very lost.

grumpy__g wrote:

Tell his sister what kind of man he is.

Never stay with a person who blocks you. Never stay with a person who treats you like s-t.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone, This is most likely the final update I will post about this situation. I had my appointment with the gynecologist, and turns out I had a miscarriage. I initially thought it was just a really bad period since mine are usually heavy, but I was wrong. I've never been more heartbroken in my entire life. I can’t believe I was pregnant and now it’s gone.

I tried to read every comment, and they all essentially said the same thing. I tried really hard to believe that he is the ab#ser everyone says he is, but I simply couldn’t. He had never grabbed me like that before, and yes, it hurt, but at the time, I didn’t think it was enough to officially break up.

Stupid, I know. I thought, "Well, it’s not like he hit me." But I was still very hurt by what he did and said, so I didn’t try to contact him. He called me the day after the incident to apologize. He said he regretted what he did and promised to do better. I thanked him, and he asked to hang out, but I declined. He was understanding and asked me to stay on the phone just to talk. I still missed him, so I said yes.

I also told him about the miscarriage, and he apologized profusely for his reaction. He genuinely looked sorry. He said that if he had known, he would’ve reacted differently and that his attitude was mainly because he was tired. We both cried, and it was a beautiful conversation overall. The next day (Sunday), he came over with a bunch of gifts and a handwritten letter.

He apologized again for what he did and promised he would never treat me like that again. He said he underestimated his strength, didn’t use his full force, and simply wanted his phone back. He said he was working on his anger and impulsiveness. We spent the next few days glued together and they were amazing. He was so cute, he kept referring to me as his wife. Everything was okay until last night.

It was my friend's birthday, and we had planned to go together. My boyfriend and I went to different schools, so he didn’t really know anyone and stayed with his friends most of the time. Most of the people there were from my high school, and I hadn’t seen them in a long time, so I was talking to everyone. I forgot to mention, but his sister was there too, and we chatted.

We were all drunk, and she jokingly asked what happened with her brother and why I went crazy on him. I responded laughing that he’s the one who went crazy on me and attacked me. She asked what happened, and I explained that we were arguing, I took his phone, and he grabbed my arm and twisted it to make me drop it. She laughed and said he used to do that to her all the time growing up.

I didn’t say it in a serious tone at all, like I was laughing as I was saying it. Everything was fine that night, and we went to his place together as usual, but the next morning (so today), he asked me if I told his sister anything. I knew I f-ked up, so I acted like I didn’t remember the conversation and said no. He knew I was lying, which just angered him.

He accused me of spreading lies about him to everyone for attention and said that he doesn’t even know my friends, and that’s the first impression they have of him now. I felt really bad and tried to explain that I wasn’t thinking because I was drunk, and it’s not like I said he p-ched me in the face. I tried to say that they didn’t even hear me and that I was just talking to my friend.

I also said that I was laughing as I was telling the story.

He kept cutting me off and getting angrier. He was like, “Your voice is so f-king loud you really think no one heard you? Are you that f-king stupid? Now everyone thinks I b-t girls. Are you happy? Did you get the attention you wanted?”

I just kept apologizing because I understood where he was coming from. I tried to hug him a couple of times, and he would just push me away. He kept calling me an attention seeker and a crybaby. I was sobbing because we were doing SO good and I just HAD to ruin everything.

When I tried to hug him for the last time, he slapped me in the face. I had never been hit in the face in my entire life, let alone by a man. We were both shocked for a moment, and then he started crying / apologizing. I had never seen him cry like that. I said I was okay and that I just wanted to leave. He tried to offer me a ride but I said no and went home by myself.

I ended up going home, read some comments, turned off my phone, and just cried the whole day. I don’t know why it took me all of this to realize he doesn’t love me. If I’m being completely honest, I still cannot see him as this evil abuser. I know he is one objectively, but I simply can’t see him as one, I don’t know why. I did block him, and I’m trying to keep my distance because I’m scared of what he could do next.

I’m pretty sure he knows it’s over now, I’m not sure but I think he knows. I don’t want to tell his sister what happened. They’re literally twins, so I just feel like she would take his side. We’re really close, so I’m not 100% sure she would, but then I didn’t know my ex would slap me so I don’t wanna test my luck. He also has another sister, but I don’t really know her/talk to her, and I just wanna be alone for now.

And no, I’m not going to the authorities. I don’t understand how someone can look up wedding rings with you one day then literally hit you (in the face!!!!) the next day. I was literally pregnant with his child, and that’s how he treat me? And he had the nerve to hit me knowing I lost our baby? I will never understand?

I know everyone is gonna call me stupid for going back to him one more time and I get it, I know I am. It just sucks that I have to deal with the pain of losing a baby and now losing my boyfriend. Thank you everyone for the messages and comments. You all helped me a lot. I’m probably missing a lot of details, let me know if you have any questions.

The comments kept coming.

NotoriousCrone wrote:

Let me start by saying that I so sorry for your loss. "The next day (Sunday), he came over with a bunch of gifts and a handwritten letter. He apologized again for what he did and promised he would never treat me like that again. He said he underestimated his strength, didn’t use his full force, and simply wanted his phone back. He said he was working on his anger and impulsiveness."

This is called Love Bombing, and it is a classic ab#ser move. Please do not fall for it again, he most likely will try again.

"Now everyone thinks I b-t girls."

Proceeds to slap his girlfriend. You want to know how you keep people from thinking you hit girls? By NOT hitting girls.

It's OK to miss him, and you will for a while. But you will get over him. Use this experience so that you can see red flag earlier in the relationship.

OP responded:

Wow, thank you for this!!

hideme21 wrote:

Do not contact anyone in his family. But if anyone reaches out to you, do not lie. If anyone accuses you of lying, block them. If he harasses you, threaten with authorities. Find a therapist.

OP responded:

Okay got it thank you.

pdubpooter wrote:

Yikes this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but the miscarriage may have been a blessing in disguise since the baby would have to led to coparenting with this ab#ser and potentially exposing the child to ab#se too.

My sister had two miscarriages so while I’ll never truly understand as a guy, I’ve seen the physical and emotional trauma up close. She needed a lot of therapy to move forward after that. The fact that this POS added physical ab#se on top of what you already went through is insane

Grumpy___g wrote:

You are not stupid. You were in love and manipulated. Don’t call yourself stupid.

OP responded:

I mean everyone saw it coming but me so I think I'm a little stupid but it's okay now I know at least.

Tiny_Incident_2876 wrote:

You sound so nieve, girl. That's how they suck you in. Let us know when the next he decides he doesn't like what you do. You need to wake up and smell the coffee it's only get worse, run, run.

OP responded:

I know I am, that's why I wanna stay single for now.

No_Barracude_4172 wrote:

Oh sweetie! You didn’t do anything wrong. You wanted to believe it was a one time thing. Everyone in your situation does. You know better now. That is no life for you or a life for any child you bring into the world. Children will not change him.

Take care of yourself. Let your friends know what happened. You need the support. Protecting him only protects him. It doesn’t protect you or his next girlfriend. There will be more victims. ❤️You can do this. Stop drinking for a bit. You have healing to do.

Spinchtheregularguy wrote:

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You’re not stupid. The ab#se in an ab#sive relationship doesn’t really start with the first hit. It starts with a lot of quiet stuff I still don’t fully understand myself, like manipulation, breaking down self esteem, isolation, and love bombing.

That all makes it easier for the ab#ser to do what he does. Read the book, learn what an ab#sive partner looks like, and protect yourself in the future. I’m right there with you.