"AITA because my BF keeps saying I do nothing at home even though I think our chores are fair?"
"AITA because my boyfriend keeps saying I do nothing at home even though I think our chores are fair?"
We are together with my (35F) boyfriend (40M) for 11 years and living for 7 years. We also have a 2 year old son. Lately we are having discussions about the household chores (English is my second language so I don't know what it is actually called). I have started working part-time since my son started going to kindergarten 35 hours a week, this year.
I work 22 hours a week and my boyfriend does 35 hours but only work from home. He travels 2 days a month for work. I take care of our son after I leave work until my boyfriend is done with his work which is extra 10 hours plus those two days when he is gone. We share bedtime duties but I prepare my sons kindergarten breakfast everyday, and I handle all toddler related things.
I also almost buy everything related to our son: clothes, diapers, food, supplies, etc.
Other than that we share chores like this:
- He takes our son to kindergarten from Monday to Wednesday. I do the other 2 days and all the pickups.
- I do the weekday cooking and clean up after meals, he usually handles deep cleaning on weekends. It is the same for shopping. He does one big grocery shopping on the weekend and I do the rest on weekdays.
- I start the washing machine and hang up wet laundry 2–3 times a week. While he folds and puts the laundry away.
- He does the windows every 6 weeks. (this is a new schedule though so we haven’t actually done it yet, I’m open to changes)
- He takes out all the trash and takes care of the paperwork/contracts.
- I vacuum almost every day because our cat goes outside a lot and our house is small with wooden floors. My boyfriend does the garden, but it is not a lot of work in winter.
- Everyone loads their own dishes to the dishwasher but he unloads it.
- We share bathroom cleaning: one week me and one week him.
He says I do nothing and he does almost everything around the house and his reasoning is that his full-time job and deep cleaning are “more important” or “more exhausting,” and that I have “more free time” since I work part-time.
But that “free time” is actually the half day I have on Fridays (I do not work) while our son is in kindergarten. The conflict is that my boyfriend says I do nothing around the house. I told him I think things are fair and refused to take on more chores, which made him upset. AITA here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ComprehensiveArm9751 wrote:
I suggest you actually swap. He takes care of your duties and you him. It will give you guys more a perceptive of each others role. He might see it as, I do the in depth cleaning and big shop so she doesn't need to do as much on a regular bases.
Maybe if you swap, he can see how it's like to work and then come back to clean and cook afterwards every day. And you can see how it's like to do big shop and deep cleaning on the weekend. Then you can come up with a schedule that helps you both.
OP responded:
The more I think about it, the more it actually sounds like a great idea. Maybe we can try it for a week — I’ll suggest it to him.
algunarubia wrote:
NTA. There is nothing better for a marriage than straight up listing all the tasks and divvying them up properly on paper or a doc. If you don't do this, inevitably, people exaggerate their own contribution and downplay their partner's because people mostly stop thinking consciously about chores they don't do.
The main thing you should remember is that 35 hours a week just isn't that much more than 22 compared to your total waking hours in the week. If you get 8 hours sleep, you have 112 waking hours in the week, so he has 77 non-work hours and you have 90.
That's around a 40-60 ratio. I think he's thinking "she works so much less than me, she should do a lot more!" but that's not actually justified with the amounts you two work.
OP responded:
I also take care of our son 10 hours a week plus 3 hours of commuting a week to work while he does home office.
onlysophiasecret wrote:
NTA. Switching chores may help him see that things are pretty balanced. Maybe he feels like you have the 'better' chores with cooking etc. I think ultimately he just doesn't recognise what you are doing. Does he actually see your chores or do you do them whilst he's at work?
Diminishing your efforts isn't okay though. If he wants to chat about changing things up then he is a 35-year-old who can start that conversation without having to hurt your feelings in the process.
OP responded:
I actually don't like cooking, to me it is not 'better'. Unfortunately, we have fixed work hours so we cannot switch the chores. I have to take care of my son everyday while he is working.
Goodbyecaution wrote:
NTA. You do more daily childcare, that is work whether he wants to believe it is or not, so makes it even to his paid work hours. Sounds like your bf is being a bit of a knob. I would list your chores and his in columns, separating it into daily, weekly, and seasonal so you can both easily see the load.
Something to consider, and perhaps this is being generous to him, is that his bad attitude is down to you both being absolutely knackered. So could you maybe look at giving each other a child free day once a month for a rest?
OP responded:
We let each one sleep one day long at the weekend. He also plays football 1-2 times a week at the evenings and I go to gym 1.5 hours a week. with football he hangs our with this friends afterwards so he is gone between 8pm-12 am.
perkicaroline wrote:
The goal is equal work, AND equal free time. Your chore split sounds very fair on the work side, but from your comments I think the problem is that he wants a solid chunk of free time too. Can he have 3-4 hours totally free on Saturday or Sunday?
OP responded:
He plays football once or twice a week. He’s usually out from around 8 to midnight since he also hangs out with his friends afterwards. But I don’t think he really sees that as his free time, because when I’m home, I also get some time to myself — but only because our son’s asleep, so there’s nothing for me to do then. This is his logic.