'My BF secretly invited his parents to move into our house without telling me.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My (28F) BF (30M) secretly invited his parents to move into our house without telling me."

So I’ve been with BF for 4 years, living together for almost two. We bought a house together last year. We had a lot of talks beforehand about boundaries, financial planning, and how important it was for both of us to feel like this was our space. Last week, BF casually mentioned that his parents “might stay with us for a while.” I assumed he meant a week or two, maybe up to a month.

Fine. They live out of state and I know they’ve been struggling financially, so I didn’t think too much of it. Well, I found out yesterday (from MIL, not even from BF) that the plan isn’t just a visit. BF apparently told them they could move in with us indefinitely. As in they’ve already sold their place and are arriving next weekend with a moving truck.

I was stunned. I confronted BF immediately, and he acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He said, “they’re my parents, of course they have a place here.” When I told him that a permanent arrangement was never discussed and that I didn’t consent to it, he got defensive. He said I was being “cold and ungrateful” and accused me of hating his family.

For context: I don’t hate his parents. MIL and FIL are fine in small doses, but they’re very traditional and openly critical of me for not being “wife material” (we’re not married, and I have no plans to quit my career). MIL has made comments about how she’d love to help “raise the kids” (we don't want children right now).

FIL is the kind of guy who thinks women belong in the kitchen. So the idea of them living with us full-time is…challenging. I feel completely betrayed. BF made a massive, life altering decision without my input, one that directly impacts our home. He keeps brushing it off like I’m overreacting. I don’t even know how to come back from this.

How should we deal with this?

TL;DR: BF promised his parents they could move into our house without telling me. I feel betrayed and completely overwhelmed.

EDIT: Thanks everyone for the support and advice! It really helped me feel less crazy about this. I’ve already been in contact with my lawyer, and while it’ll take some time, it looks like this should end well for me in the long run. Since a lot of people asked for an update, I’ll post one once everything is officially sorted out.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

PhaloniaRediar wrote:

I think you are right to be outraged by this. They may be his parents but it is your home as well and he should have discussed and agreed this with you. There is a big difference between somebody visiting and somebody moving in.

It may be too late to stop them from arriving but you need to be clear with him that you do not want them staying indefinitely and so he needs to make clear to them that they need to be looking for somewhere else to move on to.

OP responded:

That’s what I told him. I said there’s a difference between visiting and moving in. He still insists I’m being dramatic, because they are his parents.

anon1234 wrote:

Gaslighting you then...minimising and invalidating your feelings. What else does he do this with?

OP responded:

Never to this extent, just smaller things. Like if I said I was stressed about work, he’d brush it off with "you worry too much." Annoying, but I didn’t see it as a big deal until now.

Fleurdislea wrote:

Call the lawyers. Force the sale of the house. break up and move out. I’m sorry your boyfriend is a worm.

OP responded:

I contacted a lawyer yesterday. I’m looking into my options for a buyout or, if needed, a forced sale.

Intelligent-Rule-293 wrote:

This is posted in relationship advice, so my advice is you don’t have a relationship. This is a crazy life altering decision that your bf can’t respect you enough to include in said decision. Even more insulting - you’re now being brushed off as “too dramatic.” If this was me, I wouldn’t be wasting time online, I’d be speaking to my lawyer. Bf needs to buy you out or Payne mommy and daddy can.

This is not a situation where you’re going to win. This will be the rest of your life, he’ll make decisions without consulting you and it’ll only get worse. Protect your investment in the house and use it to break free into your own place. Wish you all the best!

Just want to add - I’m usually a “talk it out and see if things can be worked on” type of person, this guy doesn’t seem like he’ll have a conversation, he sees nothing wrong with what he’s done and there’s no arguing with stupid.

OP responded:

You’re right. I’ve tried talking calmly, but he just doubles down and refuses to see my side. I’ve already started speaking with a lawyer about different options.

[deleted] wrote:

I can’t believe he won’t even have a conversation with you. Did he really expect his parents to show up and move in and you would just accept it? Is he insane?

OP responded:

I know, right? When I asked him how he thought I’d be okay with it, he said he didn’t think he had to ask since he would do the same for my parents.

My parents are doing well, financially and health.

Even if it were necessary, I would still ask my partner as it changes the entire home situation.

Fairycompetent wrote:

If you accept this and stay in this relationship, you will have shown your bf that he can do anything he wants, as your superior, and you as the inferior need to just accept it and shut up. He is just as traditional as his parents, and he is forcing you into that role as well. Who will do the extra chores that two more people bring? Not the king, surely.

OP responded:

That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. If I don’t push back or leave, this sets the tone that he can make huge decisions without me. Up until now, we always split housework fairly and never fought about it, but with his parents here I know it would fall on me, and I can’t live like that.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

First, thank you to everyone who commented and offered support. Reading your messages really helped me feel seen and validated during all of this. Sorry it took me so long to post an update.

Everything got tied up with lawyers and paperwork, and I wanted it settled before sharing. My ex ended up buying me out of the house. Best decision I’ve ever made. I walked away, had a fresh start, and no dead weight attached to me.

I got my own place (got lucky with a very small apartment, left all furniture behind as most was his anyway), focused on work, and honestly my life has been calm, stable, and better than it’s ever been. Meanwhile, he got exactly what he thought he wanted the house with his parents in it. And it’s been an absolute train wreck.

They moved in permanently, and within days it was obvious they see him less as a son and more as their live-in caretaker. They expect him to cover all the bills, cook, clean, and drop everything for them. They nitpick every little thing, criticize how he runs the house, and remind him daily that he “owes” them for everything they ever did for him.

He’s working longer hours just to keep up financially, and the house that was supposed to be his pride and joy has basically become their space, not his. He has no privacy, no downtime, and no control. From what mutual friends have told me, he’s burned out, bitter, and constantly snapping at everyone around him.

When I confronted him about why he didn’t even tell me about their move-in, he said: “If I told you, you would’ve said no and I couldn’t let them down.” That line still blows my mind. He admitted point-blank that my opinion never mattered. He saw me as a roadblock, not a partner.

So yeah, I dodged a bullet. He chained himself to the exact life I refused to accept, and now he’s drowning in it. I got out clean, and I don’t regret a thing.

Sooo I guess life's going pretty well? :)

Edit: I see a bunch of people calling this post fake because all of this got resolved in two weeks. Honestly that's fair, as it does seem fake. To be honest with you all, I wrote that first post for validation, as I thought I was going crazy. Either hoping for people to push me to do it or people telling me to take the chill pill.

I had a lawyer and paperwork prepared so I could just pull it out immediately if necessary or put it away, pretending this stuff never happened. As I was not willing to live in this situation, I gave my ex the papers and he pretty much agreed with no fuss. Paid with his own money (dipped a bit into his savings) and things moved fast.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ToothPickPartner wrote:

Maybe I’m heartless here. But the part of the post that was too short was about how miserable he is. 😂😆😝😜

OP responded:

Well there's not much other than he's miserable, sad, burnt out and a free nanny for his parents. Gonna add more info once I know more. 😂

PickASwitch wrote:

Ain’t that the best, when a relationship ends and you know with absolute certainty that they regret it? He reaped exactly what he sowed.

[deleted] wrote:

The crime is not communicating with your partner. He can't control who his parents are, but he can control how he reacts to their bs. He failed at both.