'My BF of a year mistook my human decency for feminism. AITA for wanting to end things?' MAJOR UPDATE

"I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (21m) for a year and he mistook my human decency for feminism. AITA for wanting to end this relationship?"

The other day, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. He told me about his friend’s (23M) relationship and asked for my opinion because he wanted to know the female POV. Basically, his friend was dating a girl (19) who did not share his religion. He really wanted her to have the same beliefs, so she decided to convert for him and practice his religion.

Eventually, her family decided to disown her, and it caused her a lot of issues and problems. Around the time she converted, they were still in a long-distance relationship. Later on, they met in person and spent two weeks together. After those two weeks, he decided he didn’t have feelings for her and broke up with her.

Two days after the breakup, he told my boyfriend that he regretted it and thought he still loved her (emphasis on “thinks”). This is when my boyfriend asked for my opinion. I tried to stay neutral and told him that I think his friend shouldn’t get back with her, because he already decided he doesn’t love her. He would just be wasting both her time and his.

I added that if he’s a good person, he should leave her alone, since he has already caused her enough trouble in her life and then threw her away after spending two weeks with her. My boyfriend then told me that he thinks his friend should get back with her just because the girl is pretty and nice and she actually loves him. I told him that was unfair, because he would be taking advantage of her.

You don’t love someone just because they’re attractive. That’s when he told me I’m “such a feminist” and that I don’t have to make everything about feminism. He said I wasn’t being realistic, that I don’t know the girl to be on her side, and that I “watch way too many women empowerment videos.”

I explained that this has nothing to do with feminism. If the roles were reversed and it was my friend telling me she did this to a guy, I would still tell her to leave him alone because she caused enough damage already. I would lose all respect for her. You’re not supposed to toy with people’s feelings or life regardless of gender.

I told him I was speaking from the goodness of my heart, and that it’s just normal human decency. My beliefs are built on a solid foundation. I’m not an idiot. I am a feminist and always will be proud of that, but this conversation had nothing to do with it.

He seemed very biased toward his friend, which I didn’t like at all. On top of that, he lashed out at me for no reason, calling me a feminist as if it were an insult. Now I’m honestly contemplating ending the relationship because of his way of thinking. For context, when I asked my boyfriend if the girl did anything wrong, he said she was an absolute sweetheart and a very kind person.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

Do you think there is something wrong with wanting men and women to be equal? (Aka feminism).

OP responded:

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I am in fact a feminist and I'm always gonna stand by that. Its the way he responded to what I said that made me feel like he was against me being a feminist and he has mentioned it indirectly before. If anything, I'm upset that he isn’t being supportive.

[deleted] responded:

It made you feel like he's against you being a feminist, because he IS against you being a feminist! For me, that massive difference in personal values would cause me to break up with someone like him, but of course you may feel differently. You may want to discuss in more detail his personal views, as I suspect this isn't the only red flag (red pill-like) views he has, but has hidden from you.

OP responded:

I don’t quite understand how his brain works but one of the things he’s said to me is that he finds it scary when people are “obsessed” with a certain thing like for example an artist/singer and then proceeded to tell me that I “freak out” and lose my mind whenever anyone mentions one direction???

And that it’s an unhealthy obsession when in reality all I’ve ever told him about One Direction is that I grew up listening to them and I enjoy their music to this day.

The other time that band was mentioned in a conversation was when I was in a car with him and my sister and she chose to play a song by them and literally all I said was “oh I love this song” and it wasn’t like I was jumping up and down and going all fangirl mode. I said that like any other person would.

Sleepimilkii wrote:

I think he just told you how he views you as a person, you;re just "a pretty face that loves him". Take that pretty face somewhere where YOU will be loved.

OP responded:

Oh my god no because thank you so much for saying this. the main reason why he fell in love with me in the first place is because he found me really attractive and for the longest time it was the only thing he complimented me on. my looks only and nothing else. almost like I lacked depth as a person.

Bitterdogooder wrote:

Does he always want you to just agree with him and not actually have an opinion? Dump him. WTF is "female empowerment" about not wanting one person to emotionally manipulate another? You don't need to know them to know it's not a good situation, and the person manipulating the other is not a good person. But yeah, make it about boys v. girls. NTA, dump him.

OP responded:

Actually yeah a lot of the time he gets upset when I disagree with him about certain things and we always end up arguing about our disagreements. he just doesn’t want to agree to disagree. i’ve explained it to him way too many times that we’re not supposed to be the same person or have the same opinions each one of us can be their own person and that is okay.

The next day, OP shared an update.

First, thank you to everyone who gave me advice. You gave me so much clarity, even the ones who basically yelled at me. God bless all of you. I have decided to break up with him. Right now I told him we should “take a break” because I need time to figure things out, but honestly I just need that space to build the courage to end things.

My mind is already made up. When I told him I wanted this break, he kind of freaked out and asked if I knew what happens when people take breaks, but I insisted. In my last post, I know he came across as a terrible person. He was not the worst boyfriend on earth. He was actually a good boyfriend in many ways.

I loved spending time with him because he is funny, sweet, loving, and fun to be around. The main reason I want to end things is because he does not truly see me for who I am. He does not understand me, and he never really tried. I know he loved me in his own way, but it always felt shallow.

One thing I should clarify is that I never got intimate with him, and he respected my wishes. From the beginning, I told him I was not willing to do anything physical beyond holding hands and hugging, and he never complained. If I told him something made me uncomfortable, he apologized immediately and did not repeat it. He always listened when I needed to talk and tried to comfort me in his own way.

I am saying this not to change anyone’s mind, but because I feel like I owe it to him to admit that he was good to me in many ways. I also genuinely loved him and once saw a future with him. Unfortunately, I do not see that future anymore. I realized he only valued me for my looks. I remember once asking him why he chose me.

My answer for him was that I liked how honest, kindhearted, sweet, supportive, and respectful he was, and that he celebrated my achievements. I said he seemed like the type of person I would want to grow with. His answer to me was, “Because you are beautiful and it is hard to find girls like you nowadays. You are everything I want in a wife.

You would take care of our future family. You know how to cook and you genuinely care about me.” At first I laughed, thinking he was joking, but he was not. Something broke inside me then, though I tried to excuse it by telling myself he just did not know how to put feelings into words. Over time, I realized it was not just poor phrasing, he really only cared about how I looked.

I could never have a deep conversation with him because he simply lacks depth. He hated feminism and even called me “weird” for being strong opinionated, saying it would not benefit me because I am not struggling and no one is bothering me. That is not true. In university, I often get treated like I am an idiot because of how I look, even though I work very hard as a med student.

Some professors treat me with disrespect until they see my exam results, and then they are surprised I did well. People assume I am shallow because I am pretty. He knew all of this, but he dismissed it, telling me I should not fight for my rights or try to earn respect. He also often hated it whenever we disagreed on something.

No matter how many times I tried to reason with him and tell him it’s okay to agree to disagree, he insisted that we should agree on almost everything because that’s how relationships work. I stood by what I said anyway. During arguments, he often tried to twist my words, put words in my mouth, or flip the situation on me, but I always called him out and refused to fall for his manipulation.

Only then would he apologize and own up to his mistakes. He once told me that he thought he was the only person in the relationship putting in effort and that I didn’t contribute at all, which completely blew my mind because it was way far from the truth.

I also realized that he took my forgiveness for granted. Sometimes he wouldn’t take our arguments seriously when I tried to resolve things maturely, by talking them out and hearing each other. Because he knew that at the end of the day I would forgive him.

That was something I could never overlook because I only offer that kind of forgiveness to people I truly love and care about. It’s a form of vulnerability for me, and seeing him take it for granted broke my heart. That was the breaking point for me. I know now he will never truly understand me or see who I am.

The commenters were thoroughly invested in OP.

daydreamers-in69 wrote:

Omg were you dating my ex. He just wanted a gf, not you. Sounds like he had a bunch of qualifications a girl should fulfill, and it doesn't matter who does it. I'm sorry, friend, but it seems from your update he doesn't actually know you or like you. I'm proud of you, internet stranger, for taking the steps to move forward. Still NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you so much!! It breaks my heart to realize that he doesn’t love me for who I am. I thought he might be the man I would marry one day, but I know this isn’t the end of the world. I’ve been through breakups before, and I know I’ll be just fine without him even if it makes me sad now. I’m okay with that.

CharlotteLucasOP wrote:

“We should never disagree…” and yet he never seemed to try to change HIS mind to agree with YOU.

What a self-absorbed amoeba. Looks change over a lifetime, but the right partner will cherish the qualities that never fade.

OP responded:

Yeah he always wanted to change things about me but never considered changing things about himself for me.

MagicianMurkey973 wrote:

No. You are not. Not at all. It sounds like he wanted a helper wife. Maybe you do have qualities he admired for that role. But he never was able to see you for who you are. He saw you fitting that role he needs as that defines the extent of his understanding of Man and Woman. He's not designed with any empathy muscles, but in his paradigm, it's not the man who has empathy. That's the helper wife's job.

I'm sorry he never could really get to know you. He sounds like he tried, but he's not really capable of seeing you beyond the box he seems to think he understands. Good for you reaffirming your boundaries and calling him out on his bs. Good luck in school and your future relationships!

OP responded:

Thing is he knows that I’m very passionate about my education and that it’s my no.1 priority and that I could never settle for being a housewife and don’t get me wrong there’s absolutely nothing wrong with housewives I really want to be a mother one day but being a housewife is just not for me.