"My (26F) fiance is convinced I have a crush on my friend’s husband."

My best friend Sarah (26F) and her husband Matt (28M) have put me in a very difficult position with my fiance Jack (30M). I knew Matt since my childhood, he was my neighbor and we were friendly. Sarah and I were roommates in college and became close friends.

When I introduced Sarah and Matt, they hit it off and started dating each other. I was happy to see two of my friends get together but also annoyed that I became the third wheel and was often ignored or set aside because they were so into each other. By the time I graduated, Matt had completely dropped me as a friend. That saddened me but I was still good friends with Sarah so it was what it was.

Sarah and I would frequently hang out, but I never talked with Matt other than the occasional polite hellos. Sarah would sometimes try to do couples dates with her and Matt and me and my dates. I found that Matt had developed an unpleasant personality and would frequently be rude and condescending towards me. However he’s a devoted and loving husband to Sarah so for her sake I ignored him.

When my fiance and I got engaged, we had no plans to do a party. Sarah was disappointed that we didn’t throw an engagement party so she organized a small get-together at her home to celebrate us. The party was nice and as things were winding down, my fiance and I went to thank Sarah and Matt for their sweet gesture before we took our leave.

Matt was pretty tipsy by then and out of nowhere he suddenly hugged me and in front of my fiance said that he was so glad that I was finally settling down and he is relieved that now I’ll be over the crush I had on him. I was shocked and told him that wasn’t true. He just laughed and told Jack that I was always chasing him and he had to work hard to keep me away.

I dragged Sarah in and asked her to please fix this mess and she was all like oh he’s drunk ignore him and says, you know I always trust you, I know you wouldn’t act on your crush.

Jack was pretty pissed by this point and he walked out. I ran after him and tried explaining that this isn’t true but he told me he doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice or their backup plan. Since that night he isn’t talking to me or returning my calls.

I have talked to Sarah multiple times to clear things with Jack but she’s brushing me off. I don’t understand why they believe this or why she’d stay friends with me if she thought I was into her husband. I was in her wedding party and did all the work because her sister who was the MOH was too busy.

I have helped her through her pregnancy and have babysat her kid so many times. She never gave me any indication she thought this and why would she want me close to her family if she believed this? I feel humiliated that these people think I was pining away for a jerk like Matt.

I need help in convincing Jack this isn’t true. I am also mad at him for throwing away our relationship over what some drunken idiot said. I don't know what I am going to do about my friendship with Sarah.

What do you think is going on here? And what should she do? Commenters weighed in:

itsallminenow said:

Sarah thinks it's true too. She was confident in her relationship and didn't see it as an issue, but I'm pretty sure she thought it as well. That's why she's brushing you off, because she agrees with him. For Matt to screw up your relationship that relieves him of the responsibility of thinking you have a crush on him is irony of the highest level. He's a prick to say that in front of Jack.

Point out to her that her husband screwed up your relationship and you expect them to do something about it or you're through with them. I have no idea how to heal this with Jack, he likely won't listen, unless he comes to his senses when he calms down.

The issue is whether he'll communicate with you at all, but if he does, go full guns on how ridiculous it is, that you got them together and would have never done that if you were after him yourself. Meanwhile, drop all contact with Sarah and Matt, they're just messing with your life and they sound pretty smug and nasty to me.

KingCasper97 said:

I think it’s more what Sarah said that set Jack off. Friends usually know each other’s secrets, so Sarah co-signing what Matt said holds more weight than if she had disagreed. Also, it’s possible that Matt has made slick comments like this to Jack behind your back.

DaLoCo6913 said:

Sarah and Matt are people you do not want in your life. If your fiancé is this insecure I suggest you take a step back. Send him his ring and tell him that you will wait until he decides to believe the woman he claims to love. He also seems like an ass by refusing to communicate. I do not see a great marriage if this is how he resolves conflict.

And Puzzle2825 said:

The way you describe Matt dropping you as a friend and behaving in a condescending/rude way going forward kind of makes me think HE has been the one with the crush. And he overcompensated and told lies about you to Sarah so she would ignore his own feelings for you.

And blurting that out while drunk was completely calculated imo, and Sarah’s immediate agreement makes it seem like he’s perpetuated this idea for years. He’s a bitter man and she’s shown you for years she’s ok with him treating you badly, I would hate to hear what they say behind your back.

I’m sorry about Jack, hopefully given time he will come round to hear your side of things but his big reaction to that situation is telling you how he will handle any future uncomfortable situations and is something to consider.

OP later shared this update:

I talked to Sarah again and asked her first of all why she’d think I had a crush on Matt. She said that when I first introduced them I had talked up Matt and gushed about him and she took that as me being into him. I said I was fond of him since I’ve known him for a long time but that doesn’t mean I want to be with him. She said when they started dating I was often upset about it.

I said I wasn’t upset about their dating, I was upset that she’d make plans with me and then leave me to be with him and when we were all together I didn’t enjoy being the third wheel while they ignored me. That had nothing to do with wanting him and more to not liking being left out by my best friend.

I asked her why she hadn’t said anything before and she explained that she could “manage” the situation. She had asked Matt to stop talking to me completely and she engineered situations so there was little chance of us socializing with each other.

I asked her now that I have explained that I never had a crush on Matt, can you please talk to Jack and tell him. She said she didn’t want to lie. This frustrated me immensely. She could ignore this imaginary crush for years and manipulate me, but won’t talk to my fiance to help my relationship. I told her I was done being her friend. Thinking back I was always doing stuff for her and she used me but did little for me.

And later, she shared this second update:

Tl;dr: Jack and I broke up.

I wrote a long letter to Jack explaining the entire history of my relationship with Sarah and Matt with the recent screencaps. I asserted as best as I could that I had never pined after any guy and I loved him and he was my only choice.

After days of silence, Jack agreed to talk to me. We met and he said that he sees two ways of interpreting this situation. One, Matt and Sarah are right and he doesn’t want to be my second choice. Two, they are malicious people who are messing with me and that shows very poor judgment on my part that I’d have a best friend like this and he doesn’t want that quality in a life partner.

Either possibility leads to the same conclusion that he wants to call off the engagement. He reminded me that I had represented Sarah as one of the most important people in my life. I’d jump up and help her all the time. I had once canceled plans with him to take care of her kid when the baby was sick.

It had irked him but he had seen it as me being caring and nice, but now he’s seeing all that in a different light. I cried and begged him not to end our engagement, but he wanted a break for a while. I thought over what he said for a few days and came to realize that he was right. I was a clingy friend and a doormat.

I never even saw how much one sided my friendship with Sarah was. I was a doormat with Jack too. I didn’t want to get married or have kids this early but agreed to his timelines. I gave up an exciting job opportunity with more money because he didn’t want me traveling for work. I love him but I need to fix myself and be stronger.

I gave back his ring and ended things. I returned all the gifts he gave too. He was offended by that, but I didn’t feel good about keeping the very expensive things he had given me. He makes a lot more than me and was very generous with what he gave me, but I can’t keep that now.

Sarah was quiet for a while but then started calling me. I ignored a lot of her calls but this morning I answered her call and told her about the breakup. I was looking for sympathy from my old friend. She was more interested in knowing if I was still going to watch her kid while she and Matt went on an overnight trip. She got pretty angry when I said no. I have blocked her now.

I have lost my fiance, my best friend and my relationship with my nephew whom I adored, all in one go. But still, I am thankful for the comments that showed this wasn’t something I could fix and helped me rip off the bandaid and walk away from this mess.