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'My birth parents are married to each other. They raised my full siblings.' UPDATED 4X

'My birth parents are married to each other. They raised my full siblings.' UPDATED 4X


It's never too late to expand your family, in one way or another.

In a popular post on the Adoption subreddit, the OP shared how they connected with their birth dad and siblings. They wrote:

"My birth parents are married to each other. They even raised full siblings."

I was adopted at three months old. I had a dysfunctional family growing up, but I was cared for and loved. Both my adoptive parents passed away in separate car accidents, my dad when I was 17, and my mom three years ago, when I was 24. I had a semi-open adoption, but my birth parents requested my adoptive parents stop sending them photos and updates about me when I was less than a year old.

I had a vague idea of who my birth parents were, I grew up knowing their names and I had several photos of them. I did a DNA test, and was matched with three full siblings, which shocked me. I was always told they were young, and that they barely knew each other, and wanted to further their education.

About three months ago I decided to google their names, and I found their social media. Turns out they are married to each other now, with seven more children they had together. I stalked them on Facebook a bit, and it seems like they have a relatively happy life. I was shocked to find out I had seven full siblings, and that my sister who is closest in age to me, is actually only 11 months younger.

I was even more shocked to find I have an older (full) brother who was not adopted out, who is only a a year and a few months older than me. I ended up reaching out to my birth mother via Facebook, telling her that I would love to get to know her, that I’ve had a great life and that I have no expectations.

She took a month to respond, and when she did she said she was surprised that I reached out, and to please not contact any of my siblings, as they aren’t aware of my existence. I didn’t respond for a few days, but I ended up just asking her why she chose to give me up, and why never told anyone about me.

She responded and said that I was a NICU baby. She and my birth father were 17 when I was born, and they weren’t prepared to raise a disabled child. She said at the time, they were under the impression that I would never live independently, and that they weren’t in a place to have a special needs child.

I was again, shocked. I definitely was always in the lower price tiles for growth until puberty, but according to my grandmother by the time I was 8 months old I was hitting all the markers for regular mental development. I have an MS in mathematics from a tier 1 university. I was an athlete in high school, and I never had any issues in school beyond being really horrible in art class.

I’m married, with a child. I’m a fully functioning adult with a successful career and a family of my own, and it hurts to know I was given up on because of the slight chance I wouldn’t turn out perfect. Part of me feels like I missed out on a life with siblings (I was raised an only child), and that I could still have a chance to know them and love them, that my daughter would have a chance to have cousins.

My youngest siblings aren’t even in elementary school yet, and I could have a normal sibling bond with them, or at least be part of their lives from a young age, and I wish that I had that chance. I’m not angry at my birth parents for giving me away, I don’t hate them. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry. I am angry that they’ve requested I not reach out to my adult siblings, and I’m considering doing it anyway.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

first_mate_wiggles wrote:

Since you did a DNA test and matched to 3 full sibs, I’m wondering if they don’t already know about you?

FluffyKittyParty responded:

You have a great point, I bet they do and are confused.

kcasper responded:

It can take years before people notice those matches. I would rate it more 50% chance that they already know.

AJB160816 wrote:

Just be careful how you tread, social media only shows the good side. Make sure you keep your head. Evaluate after your experience and try not to commit to too much. Allow yourself time to process all the new thoughts, feelings, emotions, people.

I rushed in too quick with my bio father and wish i hadn’t. but that’s just me. Perhaps give an email instead of your number? It’s not too late to change privacy settings on Facebook should you want to. Just because you want to meet them doesn’t mean you need to give them full access to your life or that you’ll like what you find.

OP responded:

A bit too late, as we have already met in person. I’ve discovered many of them know people I know, and after friending my sisters on Facebook, we actually have real life mutual friends, which is the craziest thing. Perhaps I’m jumping in too fast and I am guarding my heart the best I can.

nvyetka wrote:

That's a great start. Sounds like biomom is reluctant because yes this will be hard. Just like they gave up on you because it would have been hard You can make your own choices - you can choose to do the hard thing (not just hard for her! for you and the siblings too) you can decide that it could be worth it in the end, and to work through the difficult parts. Best wishes on this journey.

[deleted] wrote:

I want to approach this also from your siblings’ perspective. It isn’t fair for your birth mother to decide for them whether they want a relationship with you. She shouldn’t be speaking for the needs of her adult children. If you choose to contact them, they will have the ability to decide what level of involvement they want.

OP shared an update in the comments:

We ended up meeting up in a park with our children (all masked), later than day. Two of my biological brothers were there. My older biological brother showed me poems and essays he wrote growing up, most titled some variation around “the sisters who went away.”

It broke my heart, and he said he never stopped thinking about me (he found out about me via our biological grandmother), and our other biological sister who was adopted out, several years after I was.

I had breakfast (outside) with the same two biological brothers this morning. We discovered that my biological grandmother and father live in the same neighbourhood as me, and I met them over zoom. I waved to them from the porch on the drive home, and my daughter did some very impressive cartwheels for them this afternoon in their front yard.

My biological grandmother blew kisses, and cheered my daughter on. She’s now making her a quilt. I have plans to meet my biological sister who is only 11 months younger than me tomorrow, along with a sister who is exactly two years younger to the day (we have the same birthday). I’ve now had contact with all my biological siblings that are over 18.

My biological sister who is two years younger was also adopted out when she was six months, she is a below the knee amputee, and our birth parents felt unable led to care for her. We all grew up within 40 km/25 miles of each other. Both my sisters that I am meeting tomorrow work in the same industry as me.

I went to the same university as my older brother, at the same time, though I don’t recall ever meeting him. It’s so odd to see your face in the faces of other people. I never imagined that they would want to love and know me, and according to my biological grandmother (miss me every year). I honestly don’t care if I never have a relationship with my birth parents.

I understand a lot of this is very new, and I don’t entirely know if it will all end well, but I have no regrets reaching out. My (adoptive) parents gave me a beautiful life. It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours and I miss them every day. It breaks my heart that they never got to meet my daughter, or partner. I know this won’t make up for the loss of them, but I do feel like I have the chance at an extended family.

Commenters were invested in the update.

Kaylakalay wrote:

Your update is beautiful!! I am so happy that you reached out to your siblings. I hope y’all build strong, loving life-long bonds!!

Dry_Ask5493 wrote:

I’m glad it’s working out for you and most of your bio family. But I am so irritated with your bio parents basically throwing kids away when they don’t fit into their “perfect” mold. They suck and are clearly selfish.

crunchwrapqueen666 wrote:

I can’t speak for your siblings of course but if I were in their shoes and found out my mom did what your birth mother did...I’d be pissed.

I’m very big on family to the point where my wife teases me because I consider my 3 cousins twice removed or whatever to just be my cousins. If you’re family, you’re family. My great grandmother (mom’s grandma) hid her half siblings from her because she was ashamed that her son had children out of wedlock I guess.

My mom usually doesn’t yell at her because she’s pretty damn old but she was pissed. She found out about her sister when I was still a child and then her brother a few years ago. Both times from letters my grandmother had hid. My mom tried to contact them, but it didn’t really pan out. I can tell it upsets her. You have a right to contact your siblings.

You have a right to get to know your family. Proceed with caution because they might have a similar mindset as your birth mother but I just don’t think it’s fair for her to completely shut you out. I don’t get how people can do this...especially when she has several other children. Also there’s a huge chance they’ll discover you on their own if they’ve used or any of those sites.

A week later, OP shared yet another update.

I've now met all of siblings. What originally turned out to be seven siblings, turned into eight when I learned I have a full sister who was also an adoptee.

I have spend every day for the past nine with one of my siblings. I have three adult brothers, and two adult sisters. My sister who is also an adoptee reunited with them two years ago. You would never know she didn't grow up with them. The five of them mesh so seamlessly. I would be dishonest if I said they felt like strangers to me.

I feel like I've known the five of them my entire life in some ways, despite only a bit more than a week having passed. The call themselves 'First Batch' and they call our younger siblings 'Second Litter.' It is funnier and more catchy in our language, haha. I am now a part of the 'first batch' text threat, and social media group. It is odd, and insane.

They're unfamiliar to me in almost every way, but it's more like seeing a best friend after being torn apart by war or tragedy. My oldest biological brother is 29. My younger biological sister and I are both 27, thought I will be 28 in a few weeks. My younger sister who was also adopted out is 25, she will be 26 on the same day I turn 28.

The twins who are the youngest of my grown siblings are 23. We all have winter birthdays. I cannot imagine what my birth parents went through. My birth mother had six children between the ages of 15 and 21. I understand why she adopted out two of her children. I cannot imagine the weight on her shoulders.

Six of us are adults, and then there is a considerable age gap, three of my siblings are minors, a brother who is 12, and two under the age of six. My birth father arranged through my biological grandparents for me to meet the three of them, four days ago. My youngest biological sister is four years old. She is the cutest little girl (aside from my own daughter!) I've ever met.

She came up to me, tugged me down to her level, and then touched my hair. She said "Do you know you have curly hair?" I nodded, and she told me that now we were twins, because we were with only sisters with curly hair. I cried and laughed. My youngest brother is younger than my own daughter. My 12 year old biological brother hugged me, and cried a lot.

We are the only two of nine who have brown hair, the rest have shades of blonde and strawberry. He and I are strikingly similar. I'll say this again, it is so odd to see your own face in the faces of others. It's never something I've had and in the last week and few days, I have been overwhelmed by the shock of sharing mannerisms and features with those around me.

I met my birth father, he explained that he was young and he thought he did the right thing, and he's happy to see I turned out well. He cried more than he spoke. Last night I video chatted with the 'first batch' siblings, and I met three of my first cousins via zoom.

They are a set of siblings, my biological aunt's children. A female cousin and her younger brothers. All close to age as me. They were born and raised in North America, with an American father, thought one of my male cousins lives in our country, he married a girl from here and they have daughter the same age as mine.

I will be meeting him and his wife on Monday.

My female cousin and I look so alike, I cried when I saw her face on the screen. My siblings and I are all very similar looking. We are clearly related. However, my cousin and I have the same face and laughter.

It was so odd to hear an American accent out of my own face. This set of cousins is very close with my siblings. My female cousin is a flight attendant/cabin crew. This is the only other career I ever seriously consider besides my own. It is also the same job as my own husband. These little coincidences and likenesses are the things I've been missing my entire life.

She has a maths degree, she and I have texted all day today. Apparently it is a joke among our extended family that her and her brothers look like they belong to my biological parents, instead of their own, and I understand why. All three of them are brown haired, darker eyed versions of my own biological siblings, and in this way I look more like them. It is so strange to see my face in the faces of others.

Part of me is a bit bitter about the years lost; having siblings near my age to brave the strange world through the lens of childhood with. Summer holidays in the states with cousins, one who shares my face and dreams. I did have a wonderful mother and father, and I could never regret the life I've had. Grandparents, siblings, and cousins are all things I've never had until now.

I have a reason to go to America (after COVID), I'm going to meet my cousin (in person) next week (something I never thought I would say). My husband is excited too, to have a big extended family. We are considered very young in our country to have kids, and now we know other young parents.

The internet was happy for OP.

Muladach wrote:

Congratulations. Take it slowly and see where it goes. This is your honeymoon with the family and you can't begin building relationships until you get through it. I found 13 half siblings and we're just getting to the real relationship stage now.

My hubby, another adoptee, is ahead of me and actually takes his sibs for granted. Whatever happens down the road you can learn so much about yourself from your siblings.

OP responded:

Very true. Thank you for the advice.

[deleted] wrote:

This is so amazing and interesting. I'm so happy for you. Its wonderful that your siblings and birth father are so welcoming. Do they think your birth mother will soften to the idea of a meeting?

OP responded:

Multiple relatives have said she's ecstatic how well things are going between my siblings and myself, but she has no desire to ever have contact with me. My biological family has pretty much reintegrated my biological sister who was also adopted out back into the family. They first reunited a few years ago.

My biological sister is extremely close with all of them, she even lives with our other biological sister (who was not adopted out). Her and my birth mother attend the same family gatherings, but they do not speak and it works for them.

They have perfunctory contact out of necessity and shared loved ones. They have no personal relationship and my sister respects that our birth mother does not want to get to know her.

I imagine if I things unfold in a similar way for me as they have my biological sister, my birth mother and I will have a similar relationship. I appreciate how hard all of this must be for her, and I want to respect her request for no contact as much as I can, fostering a relationship with the rest our our shared family. (: I was so angry initially, then I remembered what it was like to be 17, and I am just sad now.

Dismantle_Repair wrote:

Congrats!!! That was my dream but, unfortunately, it wasn't the case. I hope you get along wonderfully :)

OP responded:

I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you envisioned them. I can't imagine how tough that is. Thank you for your kind words.

robinmurphy08 wrote:

This update is so awesome!! It made me smile. I am way happier for you than I should be for an internet stranger! Best of luck to you all and try not to waste time regretting the past. Enjoy what time you have with them now! Like you said, you’re very young!

Patricia001 wrote:

I have met once or twice my half sisters and felt the same bizarre experience of seeing my likeness in another, of having the same career as the oldest, of having the same hobbies as the youngest. Genetics are wild.

People say I'm a copy of my mother, which I am (I saw a photo of her younger and wondered when I had taken that photo and it took me a while to realise that wasn't me) but my half sisters on my father's side look eerie like me and have similar career/hobbies/book preferences.

A week later, OP shared an update.

My daughter had her third play date with her auntie, uncle, first and second cousins. Never in my life did I dream my child would have familial playmates in the same age group. I was always a bit of a loner. It was hard to make friends. I lost both my adoptive parents quite young, and had no living adoptive relatives.

My husband is an only child. I never dreamed of an extended family for myself or my daughter. She now has living great grandparents who lived in our neighbourhood. I’m never going to discredit the love my adoptive parents had for me. They were amazing.

However my childhood was dysfunctional and heartbreakingly lonely. My life has been lonely. Now I feel like I really would have people there for me, for my child if anything crazy were to happen. A support system.

Almost a year later, OP shared another update.

Things are wonderful. I have siblings - and now at this point - I can't believe there was a life before them. I almost forget sometimes. I just went on holiday with my older brother and one of my cousins (birth family) who lives in America. Not even a first cousin, like a first cousin once removed - that is how far of an extended family I have now. It is like another life.

In regards to my birth mother and I...we hardly speak, but we are around each other often, and she is always smiling and kind - and she is a wonderful grandmother to my two children. My sister who was also adopted out just got married.

The internet was happy to hear from OP again.

Shivsbuttbot wrote:

I read so many happy stories like this, it almost makes me regret my choice of having no more children after giving my son up.

Amazing OP. This sounds beautiful.

OP responded:

Okay but your furbabies. Sorry I stalked your profile. I wish you and your son whatever is best for the two of you - love and light. I wish your kitties happy naps and many toy mouses to catch. 😍

Mcnama1 wrote:

Wow, just wow! I am so happy for you!

Academic_Ad3489 wrote:

So happy for you!

It sounds like OP has experienced a beautiful family arc through all this.

Sources: Reddit
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