'My boyfriend of 1 year wants to move in together. But he says I can't keep my altar.' UPDATED
"My (27f) boyfriend (28m) of 1 year wants to move in together when our leases are up, but he says I can't keep my altar."
I keep an altar. It's about the size of a bedside table, with a drawer. There's usually a couple of glass candles on it, some bowls and cups and imagery of specific saints that I work with.
Tommy and I have been dating for a year, and our leases will end around the 1.5 year mark. He says he wants us to move in to a place together. I was really into this idea. It sounds great to me. Then a few nights ago Tommy was at my place and he asked what I'd do when we moved in together. He pointed at my altar and said "Will you just get rid of it?"
I said of course not, I'll be taking it with me. And then he said that I couldn't bring the altar, that since he's an atheist, he doesn't want stuff like that in his home. I told him that we don't have to have it in the living room, that I can move it elsewhere, but the living room is just where I naturally put it.
He said no, he doesn't want any religious stuff in his home. And then he said that I would be disrespecting his beliefs, and when I told him I wouldn't be okay with living without the altar, he made it seem like I was putting religion "ahead" of him. Like I was choosing religion over him. Which...I'm not? But I don't think I should have to give up one of the only religious things I even do.
Is this just a sign of long-term incompatibility? I've lived with an atheist before and didn't have any issues, so I know it's not something all atheists are like. Basically, Atheist boyfriend says I cannot take my altar when we move in together. What should I do?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to add.
[deleted] wrote:
He keeps calling it his home. When is it going to be "ours" and not "his."
OP responded:
That's what I asked! Why he was calling it his home. He didn't have an answer.
[deleted] responded:
You're "not respecting his beliefs" but he's not respecting yours.
mm172 wrote:
Yeah, this is definitely bigger than the altar - especially if you two want to get married and have kids at some point. If you haven't had those discussions, then you need to before you get any further with the moving-in plans.
But be clear with Tommy that you're not asking him to acknowledge the altar as religious or anything to do with him at all, so if he can't live and let live, he's the one putting his lack of beliefs ahead of you, and this probably isn't going to work out.
Tidligare wrote:
This needs to be higher up. Make a list of where, when and how religion is important / influential in your life, like holidays, future children, sundays, special diet, anything. Go over this list with him, what is his take on it, what does he want and expect?
Then find out if the two of you are at all compatible as partners in life. Also, what kind of atheist is he? To him it should be just candles and pictures since he does not believe that there are gods and saints. Why is it threatening to him? Signed, an atheist.
Eight days later, OP shared an update.
I received so much feedback from my last post that I had to thank you all, first off, for reading and listening. I want to clarify a number of things before I continue:
Dating an atheist as someone who keeps an altar has never been an issue before. I am not "seriously religious" and my beliefs have never stood in the way of anything. There are no rules I follow, it doesn't change my sociopolitical alignment, etc. It's a dedicated place for me to pay respects to my ancestors and to the saints I work with. It's no different than you setting up a dedicated room for video games
I think the internet should open up to learning about religion beyond direct examples of Christianity or the other big ones. I saw a lot of ignorant comments that clearly don't comprehend why people keep altars (and believe me when I say that there are many of us, and no, we are not mentally ill! That's just silly.) On to the update!
I used a lot of the conversations from my post to determine how I would talk with him about it. But it turned out, he read my post! And he read the comments himself -- and, even better, he was able to come to me with his concerns and communicate to me what he was worried about, and how he felt.
We ended up talking for a long time about the issue, and it boiled down to him being a little afraid, and not understanding my practice. He said he has always been a little uncomfortable about it because he's been trained to see this stuff as "weird" and "creepy" and things like that.
He asked me to explain it more, and to give him some time to read up on what I was doing so he could familiarize himself with it. He took a few days, but in the end, when he came back to me to talk about it, he told me that he was no longer worried, and that he was sorry that he had made it into such a big deal.
He even asked if it would be okay for him to light a tealight now and then, because he likes the idea of candles as offerings or recognition of the deceased. He bought a stack of books to read up on regarding this stuff, and he is reading a little bit each night.
He is very apologetic about how things went down and how he seemed, but I understand that his tone and behavior were absolutely due to him not understanding or knowing about this stuff. Things are going great now, and we are still on track to move in together. The conversation about it not just being "his" house struck him the most.
Thank you for you help, internet!
TL;DR: BF read my original post, and took it on himself to educate and understand where I'm coming from. He apologized and everything's going great. Me and my altar will be glad to move in.
The commenters continued to share their thoughts.
katianye wrote:
"He even asked if it would be okay for him to light a tealight now and then, because he likes the idea of candles as offerings or recognition of the deceased."
Awww! For some reason that just struck me as very sweet. I'm glad it all worked out for you, OP!
[deleted] wrote:
So glad to read about your happy update.
"Just communicate!" gets suggested a LOT in the relationships forums, to the point of it being a joke at times. But, it is amazing what a bit of healthy communication can achieve.
MissTheWire wrote:
Yay! I wonder what happened with you. Congratulations on talking through it.
Glad he noticed that the "his house" bit was disturbing. I hope instead of just going "I don't know why I said that," he scrutinizes his thinking.
captainburp wrote:
This is great. I've never been religious in my adult life but when I was young we would go to church once in a while and all I knew of religion was Jesus related. My bf started getting into Buddhism and I was all fine about that and he even started going to a zen center to meditate and learn. But when he said he wanted an alter it just seemed a little weird.
I think when people hear "altar" they think of some shrine that crazy religious people want to keep. It's weird how I never had a problem with him doing something different until he brought it into the home. I was uneasy with it at first and it took me a few months to come around but I learned that it's really not a crazy religious practice.
It's something that can be spiritually rewarding. I'll meditate with him now and it's actually something I like to do. But this is what's nice about relationships when it's a good one. You learn from each other and you open up to new possibilities that you would have otherwise never thought about.