'My boyfriend cheated on me but it wasn't with someone I expected.'
"My boyfriend (26M) cheated on me (24F) but it wasn't with someone I expected."
Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for around two years and he's been amazing. He's always very caring and kind and we've never had any issues before besides the one of arguments.
Anyway the other day I had one of my best friends bachelorette party not too far from where we live. That night he texted me saying he was going to go get a few drinks with his friends anta bar close by and he'll be home after.
I didn't think much of it as he wasn't usually a big drinker and it's never been an issue in the past. I got home yesterday while writing this, and it wasn't anything unusual just him being a bit quieter but I assumed he was hungover as I was as well. Until later in the evening when I was in our living room working when he came in saying he had to talk to me about something.
Again didn't think much of it we talk often and I've been cheated on in the past in a previous relationship usually I find out after or through someone else. He starts apologising before he even says anything and I was just confused telling him it's okay just what was he gonna say. He tells me he cheated on me last night when I was gone.
He kept apologising saying he was really drunk and knows that doesn't change anything. I was just in shock and didn't really know how to respond. I dumbly asked well who was she do I know her? How gorgeous was she? He just stared at me in silence. it was awkward and I saw him go from apologetic to just upset and ashamed. He said it wasn't a girl. Apparently a bartender that worked there instead.
I was even more shocked since I never thought of him being anything other than straight. I know not to assume but he grew and with very religious, strict parents who still are this way. And he's always been not homophobic but not someone who seems like they'd question that. He kept apologising but at this point it didn't seem like he was apologising to me but to himself.
I didn't know what to do since he was such a mess. I ended up comforting him until we could talk again. He said that he had been questing for a bit and when he was drunk he saw an opportunity to see if it was something or i guess prove to himself he wasn't but it just made it worse for him. We were both tired and i just said we can talk more tomorrow which is where i am now.
I'm still in shock about all of that because I never thought he would do something like that. He's always been an amazing partner to me. I don't have anyone to talk to since usually I would talk to a friend after an argument but i don't think i can. It's a joke between our friends that he's this manly man and I just don't want for this to change that for him even if it is a joke.
I know that it's a messed up thing to do but I really love him and I really was planning to marry him but I'm really confused. I don't know how to talk to him because he seems to not know who he is anymore. Sorry if this was long, I just really needed some advice after all this. Anything would be appreciated thanks!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
melodyknows wrote:
So he waited until he knew you’d be going out for the night with friends, then went to a bar where he probably knew the bartender, got drunk, and then saw “an opportunity” to cheat on you?
He’s using his confusion about his sexuality to rationalize the shitty thing he did. You should break up with him and enter therapy to try and figure out why you keep picking cheaters. Your boyfriend is not a good guy. This will happen again if you stay with him. And you’ll always wonder if you’re just his beard if you stay. Don’t be a doormat.
LordLuscius wrote:
He cheated. It's okay for you to have empathy with someone who cheated on you for any reason, but let's be real, if it was with a woman, you'd already have dumped him right? It's not your job to help him with his s*x*ality, that's a him problem.
You can be empathetic with him, you can be friends with him if for some reason you still wanted to, but this is not your circus, and circumstances don't mitigate whether or not you still want him as your monkey.
LaceySucks wrote:
Babe, he cheated. Doesn’t matter how bad he feels. I don’t feel like his sexuality is your burden to bear. And in fact it feels like an excuse. If my partner was questioning his sexuality I know for a fact that he wouldn’t just go and cheat with some random bartender. You’re young. You don’t deserve this.
ApocalypseThen77 wrote:
Your BF is gay or bi and his understanding of his identity appears to be evolving. I’m not here to judge but you should do some serious thinking about the implications, should you choose to continue with him. He cheated on you - would you be comfortable with him doing this if he were your husband and the father of your children?
You love him and you don’t have to publicise details, if you do decide not to proceed with the relationship.
Think on - empathise but put your own wellbeing first.
logical_plant_3562 wrote:
He still cheated.
He needs to work on himself, or he's just going to keep cheating.
You can stay if you want, but he's not going to stop.
Intelligent-Height68 wrote:
He cheated. Don't lose sight of that. It was premeditated (thinking of it for months). Question, what do you mean he, "saw it as an opportunity to prove that he wasn't?" What exactly does that mean?
diamodis wrote:
It genuinely sounds like he needs to figure out who he is. It sucks that you’re in the middle of this.