'My boyfriend doesn’t want to be with someone as ambitious as myself.' UPDATED

"My (25F) boyfriend (24M) doesn’t want to be with someone as 'ambitious as myself.'"

I’ve wanted to be a veterinarian since I was a young girl. As I got older I gave up on those dreams, but when I turned 23 I decided to give it a go. I went back to school and have since achieved an Associates degree with a 4.0 GPA and have plans to transfer to a university, then go to vet school.

Long story short, my dreams don’t seem so unattainable anymore. The problem lies with my relationship. With the way things are going, I won’t be done with school until I’m 30-31. I’ve always wanted to get married and have kids before that age, but since I decided to go back to school I’ve reconsidered when would be a good age to have kids.

My boyfriend wants to get married and start having kids this year. Although I would love to start a family, I’m so torn. Me starting a family with him would require me moving states back to my hometown and taking time off from school. Not only that, my boyfriend told me he wants to be with a woman who wants to be a stay at home wife.

This is a text that he sent me: “I do not desire to be with a woman who is as ambitious as yourself. It's great for you that you have goals but I want a big family and a traditional relationship.” If I don’t decide to change my plans, he and I are going to move on. I also want a big family and I have no problem with prioritizing my future family when the time comes.

However, I just can’t reconcile with the fact that he’s asking me to give up the dreams I’ve had since I was a little girl. I love him so much and I can’t imagine my life without him, and so I have been questioning if I’m making the right choice by staying on this path to being a vet. I know it sounds stupid since I’m only 25 but I’ve been feeling like if I don’t do this now, I might not find someone to marry and start a family with.

This conversation with my boyfriend is making me question if men just don’t want to marry a woman who puts their career first for a while. Maybe I shouldn’t think like that but it’s hard not to. On the other hand, I feel like my boyfriend is asking me to give up my dreams so that he can live out his own.

So I guess I just need advice. What are your thoughts on changing my plans to pursue my dreams in order to make my boyfriend happy? Is it worth it? Would I be making a mistake if I let this relationship with someone that I love go?

TL;DR: I want to be a vet, my boyfriend wants me to be a stay-at-home mom in the future. I can’t stop questioning if I’m making the right decision.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

bluecheesebeauty wrote:

Don't give up your dream, your career and your future for a boyfriend that supports neither of them. There will be plenty of men that won't ask their wives to move to their hometown and become a stay at home mom! Plenty of women have children AND careers.

Some even have husbands that take up the majority of child caring and housework.

Early 30s is young enough to start a family, especially if you already have found a great father to be by that time (but even if you haven't, there is time!).

I am not just saying that because choosing a boyfriend over a career is generally a bad idea, but also because you deserve so much better than someone who looks at your dreams, your ambition, your hard work and says 'nah stay home and make me some babies and a sandwich.'

I want you to end up with someone who sees and appreciates YOU, not just a woman-shaped someone that can fill a mother role in his life.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for this comment. I’ve really been second guessing myself but it’s true that the man I’m meant to be with wouldn’t look at my passions as a flaw and try to change me. It’s just a sad thing to accept!

sad-turnip44 wrote:

Do not stay with this childish man. Vet would be clutch to run a homestead farm with big ole family vibes. He's just being reductive & mean, he doesn't like you - move on in glory & live your best life.

OP responded:

YES!!! Stop I would love that. I think you’re right...maybe he loves me but he certainly doesn’t like me 🥲

SherrKhan32 wrote:

Do not settle for SAHM life for this dude. Pursue your dreams, get your education, and build a stable financial foundation for yourself and future family! Is your boyfriend extremely financially successful and responsible? I highly doubt it.

Sounds like he's jealous of your potential, and wants to keep you from surpassing him in earning potential/career status! If he won't support your dream, he's NOT the man for you.

reasonablebox6047 wrote:

Don't give up your ambitions for a man. You are not compatible. He is telling you he doesn't want you to have a career or life outside of being his broodmare and maid. He will leave you in 10 years because you aren't "fun," or "yourself" anymore. This is a trap and you will regret giving up your life for this turd.

OP responded:

This is exactly what I’m afraid of!! I can’t imagine giving up what I’m passionate about for a man who would one day find some other thing to pick me apart for and eventually leave me on my own. A part of me does want to see it through with him, but it feels like a bigger part of me is screaming at me not to do it.

MoxieOhara wrote:

You’ve become incompatible. This is okay, it happens, sad for all concerned, but it’s much better to know. Personally, I would never ask or expect someone to do what he’s asking/expecting of you, and I think it’s appalling he’s put it this way in the text (he’s revealing a LOT about himself in that text that I’m not sure he meant to).

Time to say goodbye and pursue your dreams. Plenty of men out there who will look at your hard work and ambition and be dazzled by you, not want to take it all away from you and put you in your little-woman place.

OP responded:

Yeah he said a few other things that were pretty hurtful, like insinuating that my life focus should solely be on becoming a mother. Those kind of comments really made me second guess myself. I guess I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t mean it the way it sounded.

Sounds kind of ridiculous now that I’m typing it lol. He’s always known for a very long time that I plan to become a vet, but just recently sprang this on me. I appreciate your comment. I think I know that I have to do the hard thing, it’s just hard to accept at this moment.

After getting lots of feedback, OP shared an update.

Thanks for the replies, I read every single one and the general consensus is that I should not give up my goal of being a vet. A part of me knows that but I just was second guessing if I was making the right decision.

I really love him and have been with him since I was a teenager. If I’m being honest, I left out some information in order to try to keep the responses as non biased as possible. I’ll now be referring to boyfriend as my EX. Okay so some important info/answers to some comments that I saw:

My ex has known for years about my dreams to become a vet and has only just recently sprang this on me that he doesn’t want to be with me if I go through with it. It started with me talking about the cost of vet school. He then gave me an ultimatum that if I go to vet school, then he’s going to break up with me.

When I told him that I’m not giving up on that goal, he kind of went back on his ultimatum? But then a week later is when he brought it up again, hence my post. So yes, he did ask me to give up being a vet. He told me that I wasn’t acting like a lady, that as a woman my purpose is to be a mom and a wife, and that I have no idea how the world works.

Another comment asked why I would have to move back to my hometown. I moved out of my hometown and have been in a long distance relationship ever since. My ex used to tell me that his plan was to move to the new city I live in now, but he randomly decided against that.

He was not willing to budge, and told me many times that I would have to move back in order for us to be together. This was another point of contention for us. Many people were wondering if he had the resources to take care of a SAHM and big family. Short answer: maybe for a while? He hasn’t had a stable job for months, but he has a good amount of money in assets.

It would be okay for the short term, but definitely would not provide the life that he or I have expressed that we would want. I left all of this information out because I wanted to hear people’s advice at face value, but I recognize that all of this is pretty important information.

I’m not sure if I’m missing any other important questions so I’m open to answering more if needed, but I think at this point the case is pretty cut and dry. He and I are broken up. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I did everything he wanted me to, he would still find something to put me down for and end up leaving me anyways.

Sucks but I guess I’ll just focus on becoming a vet and the whole family thing will hopefully come when it’s meant to. Thank you guys again for your comments! I received such great advice, and I appreciate what everyone said so much.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

joeyo1423 wrote:

Oh thank goodness. You made the right choice. Most men who want a "traditional" family just want a wife they can control. That's all its about. Believe it or not, you can be ambitious in your career and take care of kids.

My wife and I both work and we manage just fine. How ridiculous of someone to make such an ultimatum. So glad you did the right thing and didnt choose a life of regret and resentment. Good for you OP. Chase your dream, I wish you the best.

darkya wrote:

I have never met a woman who regrets following her dreams over being with man.

I know a dozen who gave up their dreams for love only to find themselves holding the bag 7, 10, 15 years later with no income, no experience and having to start over.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 wrote:

Good for you OP,

But I'm stuck on the fact that this guy can't even really afford a SAHM 😂🤣😆.

Dude, you're demanding champagne on a beer budget?!?!

ValentineAllMine wrote:

Congrats on leaving the dead weight and enjoy your future career! I’m sure he’ll manage to find less. Proud of you.

Blithecheese wrote:

When I was offered a fellowship with a stipend to earn my PhD, my then-husband said, "Hell no, you have enough damn education."

We are now divorced, and I'm still mad at myself for turning down that opportunity more than 30 years ago. Don't ever let a man get in the way of your dreams.