'My boyfriend is going away for Memorial Day weekend with his friend in a cabin alone.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My boyfriend (31M) is going away for all of Memorial Day weekend to spend time with his friend (31F) in a cabin alone."

Looking for advice on a triggering situation that feels all too familiar…my ex (25M at the time) and I (25F at the time) started as friends at work, and our relationship was great—he was my best friend. But issues came up with his long-time female friends.

They'd say "I love you," sit on each other’s laps, and touch each other in ways I felt were inappropriate. Despite expressing my discomfort and asking him to set boundaries, he couldn’t, so I messaged the women myself out of frustration, which blew up the situation.

Fast forward: My current boyfriend (31M) and I (29F now) also started as close work friends and developed a strong, mutual relationship. We’ve been friends now for 8 months, officially dating for 4 months. He’s a kind, giving person and sees serving others as part of his faith, which I admire.

But a situation with his female friend, “Olivia” (30F) is bringing back those same feelings of being second. Olivia, who lives in another state (my boyfriend’s home state where he moved from almost a year ago) and knows about me, invited herself for his birthday weekend this Memorial Day weekend and booked a cabin just for the two of them (Friday–Monday).

She’s shown no interest in meeting me, and though I was initially supportive, I now feel excluded and confused. He’s said multiple times that he doesn’t even want to go—that he feels trapped, suspects she might have romantic feelings, and wouldn’t normally hang out with her this long. But he’s going anyway because he feels bad—she has chronic health issues and recently lost her dog. I’m angry and sad.

I don’t expect to be the center of anyone’s universe, but I can’t understand why he’d prioritize someone he doesn’t even seem close to over me, especially when I’ve been clear about how this impacts me. I want to be understanding and supportive, but I also want to feel respected and prioritized. How do I approach this without trying to control the situation—or sacrificing my own emotional well-being?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

indigoorchid6011 wrote:

So he "feels bad" if he disappoints HER, but is OK with disappointing YOU. That tells you all you need to know about his potential as your bf.

OP responded:

I'm not invited because she told him that she doesn’t want to be put in a position to have to explain her chronic health conditions to someone she doesn’t know - mind you, her ENTIRE health history is regularly posted about on her public facebook - and doesn’t want to have to pretend she’s okay when she isn’t (I speculate this might be more in regards to her potential feelings about he and I being together).

mephobiaisreal wrote:

Whoa whoa whoa. He’s going because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but he’s completely happy hurting yours? No way. Nuh uh. He’s in a relationship with you. His priority is you. He is aware that this friend could have romantic feelings and for some reason that alone isn’t stopping him from going.

RED FLAGS. Cut your losses while you can. You shouldn’t have to do anything. He should have said no. Straight up. This shouldn’t have been a consideration for him. If he knows how you feel and goes anyway - he is not the one for you.

OP responded:

See, I don’t know if it’s about disappointing her so much as he (and this is going to sound awful because it is) sees her as somewhat of a charity case. If he thinks he’s in a position to help someone, he wants to.

But I think she’s unnecessarily leaning on him as her primary support even though she has so much support locally, and he’s enabling her behavior by agreeing to this.

Aggravating-Owl-8974 wrote:

He thinks she has romantic feelings for him, he doesn’t want to disappoint her and it’s his birthday. Agreeing to a weekend in a cabin alone with her will do nothing to help the situation. He’s ok with disappointing you.

Run-don’t walk- away from him. Yes, it’s only been 4 months, but he’s in a relationship. He shouldn’t be spending the weekend alone with someone that has feelings for him, especially when that someone isn’t his girlfriend.

OP responded:

Funny enough, he and I have both talked about how there’s no way in hell he’d ever be with someone like her romantically. His last girlfriend of 7 years also cheated on him so he has literally no tolerance for cheating, so I’m actually not worried about that at all.

It’s purely the disrespect I feel from her (whether intentional or not) and his seeming disregard for my feelings given that I’ve expressed all of this to him. I don’t want to be the person to tell him to do the dickish thing and cancel last minute, even though I was almost willing to suggest I pay her for his half of the cabin so he wouldn’t need to go.

TGnotatcerner wrote:

First, decide what you are ok with, then communicate it, and follow through. That last part is the hardest but the most important. You will never always agree in relationships. But there's a difference between disagreeing and violating a boundary. So in this situation what is your boundary? Is it that you need to meet her in person first?

Is it that there should be no solo overnights with the gender one's attracted to? Is it that if, as partners, either of you suspects a third party has romantic interest that should be shut down immediately?

Once you decide what you are and aren't ok with, tell your BF: I understand she is a long time friend. However I am not and never will be comfortable with overnight solo trips with the opposite gender. Let me know the best way to address this boundary with your upcoming trip. I have some ideas, but I want to leave space for how you would like to solve this.

He will either have a productive conversation with you about a solution or he won't. If he does, great. You got what you wanted and grew as a couple. If he doesn't, reinforce the boundary: I understand this is difficult, but overnight trips with the opposite gender is a deal breaker for me. If he still goes, get prepared and follow through. Leave him. His actions told you everything you needed to know.

OP responded:

This was such a thoughtful response that I very much needed - thank you endlessly 😭🙏🏻

A day later, OP shared an update.

I offered potential solutions, I offered compromises. I was clear with what exactly was bothering me and that I would never put him in this position. I told him he would be so incredibly hurt, and rightfully so, if I did this to him.

I told him he could decide for himself what he wants to do, and I told him what I wouldn’t be tolerating from a partner. He acknowledged and agreed that everything I was saying was true. Then he went. Because “he wants to get out of the habit of being so flakey” and “made a commitment so he has to go."

I texted him that I’ll always love him (now only) as a friend, like I told him from the very beginning. Now I’m not even sure I can, or want to. Love is a choice. The opposite of love is indifference, and he’s all but told me he’s indifferent to me both as a partner and as a friend.

Thanks for the tough love. I’d rather be angry - at him, at myself for not seeing this coming - than be sad while he feels absolutely nothing.

Yes, I ended it. I can’t even think about him or the situation without being angry. I look forward to when the anger turns to indifference.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BrewUO_Wife wrote:

I read your first post and want to say this: you should want to be someone’s universe. My husband and I started dating in our early 20s and one day…super early in our relationship. I walked into the apartment with his roommate sitting on his lap while playing video games.

I played it cool but then talked to him afterward. You know what he did? He stopped it without question. His roommates were a couple who were just very flirty and open to others company. A little too much but we were young and I wasn’t going to freak over it. Though he heard me and it never happened again. Good for you to recognize your self worth. Own it and you’ll find someone you deserve.

OP responded:

Your husband’s actions early on are inspirational, I’m relieved to hear that my expectations aren’t unreasonable 🙏🏻

TotTen_Tranz wrote:

Why would you love this AH even as a friend after he did this to you?

Just go no contact and forget this person. He doesn't care about you at all.

OP responded:

In between sending that and now, he replied with nothing but patronizing support for my ability to set the boundaries he couldn’t. He fully acknowledged what happened and responded with indifference - that’s all since made it impossible for me to want anything to do with him.

musteatpoptarts wrote:

Really just cheating on you full on in front of your face, huh? What a POS.

OP responded:

I speculate he feels content because he didn’t lie about anything.

After-Distribution69 wrote:

Just cut him off completely OP. That’s the best thing for you and that’s what matters here.