'My boyfriend got really jacked and now I’m no longer attracted to him.' UPDATED

"My (23F) Boyfriend (24M) got really jacked and now I’m no longer attracted to him."

We’ve been together almost 4 years. Recently, he’s been getting really into fitness and weightlifting. Our cupboard is full of protein powders and he’s seriously gained a ton of muscle and is significantly more cut than he was before. This is not saying he was out of shape before, we’ve both always been healthy but the focus on weightlifting and muscle growth is new as of 6 months ago.

I should clarify that when I say he’s gotten into fitness I don’t mean the whole culture that can negatively come with it. He’s not lookmaxxing or fallen into the red pill or anything. He’s still the extremely sweet, generous guy he always has been. The only personality change is around our meals where he insists on weighing out his portions and cooking for himself.

I can understand the intensity and dedication as I used to dance semi-professionally but quit to focus on academics halfway through college. This is all to say, I still love him but something about his new body turns me off. The best I can describe it as you know in the marvel movies? He used to be more like Loki and he’s now Thor.

There's nothing against Thor, but I feel like there's a lot of girls like me that agree that Loki is objectively hotter. Our bedroom life has suffered, I don’t think his stamina is better by any measurable degree, and the posturing and visual of him shirtless gives me more images of stuffy Hollywood actors and fake online personalities than the sweet guy I know he is.

General intimacy is also on the decline as things like cuddling or just making out aren’t as comfortable for me anymore. How can I explain this to him? I’m sure he can feel me pulling away and by god I don’t want to hurt him. I’m wondering was his reasoning for all this is other than simple self-improvement.

I promise I still give him compliments and pump up his self-esteem just as much as I used to so if it’s an insecurity thing I’m hoping it’s not from me. All this is to say I have no plans on breaking up, but I’d like to be physically attracted to him again.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update:

Edit: I think people are misinterpreting what I’m saying. We’re both muscular already, I’m talking about the new build on top of what was already there. I won’t speak on steroid use because if he’s using it’s without my knowledge and I have no oversight.

Someone in my DMs mentioned something about a Twitter post a few months ago from the artist Olly Murs in which he changed dramatically to be what a lot of men find more conventionally attractive and people were shocked by woman’s preference in the comments. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Idk if I can post links in here but he went from a bit skinnier in the before pic to not as dramatic but still align with the second pic. Someone also said something about a meme floating around a while ago using the Loki and Thor analogy? I don’t remember seeing it but perhaps I did and subconsciously saved it to use here.

I don’t see the new development as improving himself or necessarily healthy. I don’t think having the lowest body fat percentage as possible is healthy. I also worry about his cardiovascular health as the increase of mass makes your heart work harder and doesn’t necessarily correlate to better health outcomes. Especially if you neglect cardio in fear that it limits your gains.

Perhaps I have some dance trauma to blame for this, or perhaps, I’m interpreting the science wrong but this is my view of things. I’m not sure if the internet is being the internet here but the general consensus in the last few hours is that I’m a bad person and I should dump him.

That’s not happening. I still love him deeply and with all my heart I’m simply asking how to get over/address the newfound lack of physical attraction. And even then it’s not 100 to 0, my libido didn’t “fall off a cliff." It’s a preference, which I can overlook due to so much other good in him. Forgive me for being defensive but the amount of assumptions people have made about our relationship is astounding.

I am not insecure personally or in our relationship, he’s supported me when I was a stressed out mess finishing my degrees and I’m supporting him as he finishes his, both emotionally and partially financially.

Lastly, I haven’t thought of this before but I got tipped off about the possible intention to propose right after graduation, and a new part of me thinks he’s doing this to look as good as possible during those upcoming milestones. Idk, I guess we’ll see.

TL;DR: Boyfriend changed his body type. No longer s**ually attracted to him.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

xTaurusRisingx wrote:

So I’ve always theorized that when it comes to partner changes we physically dislike, it’s often due to what we feel those changes represent or say about our partner. Which then becomes an unconscious dialogue of what that says about us.

In the example most often posted here (every 1 of 4 posts it seems), we see men often being upset with their partners gaining weight and wanting to find ways to remedy the situation. Oftentimes, but not always, the wife is still someone they claim they love who shows up and is present as a partner/mother/friend but they’ve started to struggle with health.

While yes, they may truly not find their new physique attractive, I think it’s often such a distressing complex for these guys because being with someone who is overweight becomes a moral issue rather than simply a disagreement in preference. Basically, if I’m with someone whose ________ that must mean they are _____ which must mean I am ________. I noticed your semantic use of “stuffy” or “fake."

This is the root of why the body changes are a concern - likely not pure shallowness. However, if this is the case for you, the real work comes from working on shifting your perspective of Bulky Gym Bro = Disingenuous & Self-Absorbed (or whatever you prefer to associate the changes as). Anyway, I do wish you luck in this. I’m sure it won’t be easy but I can sympathize with how you feel.

Surf_Skate_Ski wrote:

I don’t know why but your “idk if the internet being the internet” comment resonated with me so much. In a now deleted post I made years ago I asked the internet what I should do in a weird situation similar to yours with my girlfriend.

The internet told me I was an AH and should break up with my girlfriend so she doesn’t waste any more of her time and be able to find someone who is attracted to her 100% of the time.

Instead, I deleted my post and focused on the relationship and had a real conversation which went way better than I thought it would and we are still happy and in love. Long word vomit message here but point is - don’t listen to the internet and talk to your man, I guarantee it’ll go better than your stressing about.

playful_ingenuity wrote:

There’s muscles and there’s too much muscles. I also don’t like the super chiseled bulky look. I would talk to him and let him know how you feel. He might be doing it for a reason you are not aware of or he might be doing it because he doesn’t feel attractive enough for you. No matter the reason you need to let him know what’s on your mind.

ZoOzoOz wrote:

Nobody is responding or addressing a major intimacy that was cut out, which is cooking, eating, and sharing a meal together. For me, that's massive and my partner agrees. Aside from his body changes, the routine changes could be a greater underlying issue. His body represents his steadfast commitment to the gym and eating habits.

Maybe dissect it from there and explore meal prep together, ways to reintroduce emotional intimacy and the physical will follow. Good luck, ignore the shallow comments too. There's a lot of single people responding for some reason.