'My boyfriend hung out with my bully and kept it a secret from me.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My boyfriend (21M) hung out with my bully (21F) and kept it from me."

So sorry if this is long, I'll try to keep it short. I'm (21F) currently in a long distance relationship with my bf (21M) because we're in different colleges. Today morning I asked him what time I should call him in the evening, and he said he had plans to meet someone. I asked who, and he said 'an old friend.' I said 'oh, from school?' He told me 'No, she's a family friend.' I said okay, and didn't think anything of it.

My bf does these solo outings with his female friends a lot, where he goes on 1 on 1 hangouts with them, so I didn't think anything of it. I've never had any problems with it before because I'm not a jealous person and I trusted him. But now I'm rethinking that. Few hours ago, I was scrolling on insta, and switched over to my photography account and noticed my bf had posted a story.

I opened it, and it was a repost of a picture of him sitting in some restaurant drinking a milkshake, and the caption on it was "milkshake stealer🙄". I see the account that posted it, and it's the girl that b*llied me all throughout middle AND high school. I literally had a panic attack after I saw that. I'm still in shock. Also for context, I've been dating my bf since senior year of HS.

When we started dating, the b*llying stopped, because he was kind of the 'popular' guy, and I was dating him. He knew of her, but wasn't friends with her. I told him about the b*llying, and he even joked once that he saved me from her. So he knows what she's done to me and how I almost landed in the psych ward because of this girl and he still lied to me about meeting her.

When I switched back to my main account, I noticed he had blocked me from his story, but he probably forgot to block my photography account and that's why I saw it. I haven't confronted him with it because he's asleep, but i'm feeling so betrayed and hurt right now, i can't even type properly cause I'm shaking. I don't know what to think.

Idk if i'm more upset at him hanging out with her or keeping it from me. Or both. I usually pride myself on being a chill girlfriend despite my insecurities but i'm really upset right now.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

L3ex_g wrote:

He’s lying cause he’s probably cheating. Wouldn’t be surprised if she did this on purpose.

OP responded:

That thought crossed my mind too :( She's very much capable of it.

JewelerParking3874 wrote:

Well that’s cheating so I would definitely just end things with him ASAP. You can tell it isn’t just a meet up if he lied to you about it.

OP responded:

I didn't want to assume it's straight up cheating but😕 I'm dreading confronting him tomorrow.

JewelerParking3874 responded:

Still lying to you about such a thing especially when it was your worst enemy and a girl too. Confrontation is the hard part, but you deserve to learn the truth.

OP responded:

Yeah that's what's getting to me the most right now. Thank you though!

jouhaan wrote:

He will lie and try to gaslight you tho…so be prepared.

OP responded:

He has done it before so I won't be surprised.

FallenToDark wrote:

Stay strong and end the relationship, this guy doesn’t care about you if he lies over and over about where he is going and who he hangs out with.

OP responded:

I probably wouldn't have even accepted that this isn't the right relationship if it wasn't for everyone here, so thank you. 💓

Dear_Parsnip6802 wrote:

What else is he not telling you? He deliberately lied, he knew you would be upset, so he blocked you from the photo. I understand why you feel betrayed. I'd put money on it that she also knows exactly what she's doing. LDR don't last if there's no trust. I'm sorry he did this to you. There's really no excuse to justify it.

OP responded:

I'm almost starting to think that she initiated the meet-up, and he knew I would be upset over it so he hid it from me. I would've been very upset if he had told me but I wouldn't have told him to not go either, I'm not a controlling girlfriend. So I'm guessing his intentions for meeting her were not platonic :/

Dear_Parsnip6802 responded:

Even if they were platonic he knew how much she traumatised you and he did it anyway. There is actually no justification for him to meet up with her one on one and then post it on social media for everyone to see. I assume everyone knows what she did to you? Now they all know your bf thinks so little of you he takes her out!!

Please stay strong and end it with him before he humiliates you more and ends it with you to be with her. You are young and you can do do much better. Join some groups, sports, classes, make new friends. Leave him behind.

When your heart heals get back out there and find someone who cherishes you. You deserve to be treated well, not lied to, not subjected to prank break ups and not disrespected by going on a date with your b*lly. I know you love him but please love yourself more.

OP responded:

You're right. actually, only 2 of my friends and my bf knew that I was getting b*llied by her because she was very subtle about it. It was all emotional torture, no physical bullying. But she's the reason I have chronic anxiety and depression and he knows that :/

But this is a very sweet comment, thank you so much💓

Visible-Arachnid-8790 wrote:

Can we please have an update after you break up? Weirdly enough I was also in your situation. That girl talked s**t about me IN FRONT of him, guess who hang out with her in HIS house. I learned it from her friend. Like lol i dont think my ex cheated but he definetly betrayed me. I pray for your healing to be linear. Hurt now and be happy tomorrow.

OP responded:

In front of him?!? And he didn't stand up for you?? Screw both of them ugh😤 I hope you find someone who treats you much better💓 Yes I'll post an update! I'm still building up the courage to talk to him bc right now I don't really want to face him.

jouhaan wrote:

Firstly, he’s lying to you, knows it and knows to hide it. That means he’s been doing it all along. He also knows it would hurt you but will still not deny himself the “pleasure” of her company. This all proves that he is manipulating, controlling, lying and potentially sociopathic.

Do you really want to get strung along and eventually figure out the truth…?… or leave his lying a*s and have more respect for yourself? You’re very young and it’s better to be single than with someone who does this. There is better out there.

OP responded:

:( You're right. I'm just having a really hard time accepting it. Now I'm wondering if he did anything on those other solo hangouts he went on with his female friends. Ugh my mind is spiralling.

Later that night, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone, currently writing this after crying for an hour straight but I did break up with him. Also thank you thank you thank you to everyone who left supportive and kind messages, i am truly so grateful. I would not have been able to break up with him if i didn't have so many people backing me up, so thank you for having my back💓

So I ended up pulling an all nighter because of anxiety and decided to call him immediately after he was up. This is how the conversation went. I asked him if he had blocked me from his story, and he denied it, so i told him i saw it from my second account and he went silent. Then he asked me if i was mad at him.

If I hadn't posted here and gotten feedback from you all then I would've probably downplayed it, but I was firm with him. I said of course I was mad, what did he think? He's hanging out with someone who ruined my life. He said "you're twisting it way out of proportion. this is why i didn't want to tell you."

I asked how? he said he was just meeting someone who asked to meet up because she was in the area and he couldn't say no.

EDIT: Oh my god really big detail I forgot to mention, when he was justifying meeting up with her, his reason was that he befriends everyone, so it's not exclusive to her.

And he also told me "she seems like she's a changed person" HOW did i forget to mention that when I wrote this. Sorry my brain is all muddled up. I just remembered this because of another comment. We kept arguing back and forth and he kept gaslighting me (which I noticed more now) and I finally told him that he broke my trust and betrayed me, and I want to break up.

I was expecting him to be mad but he said "If that's what you want." that just made me cry more, and i asked "do you not care about me at all?" he said "I do, but not when you're disrespecting me like this." He also got mad at me for confronting him straight after he woke up, but I really couldn't wait because the anxiety was eating me up.

I think what he said at the end that stung the most was that "Don't dump your insecurities onto me, i'm not your therapist." He has said this before as well, when I've tried to talk about issues in our relationship, where he's told me not to come to him for that. I was like "who else do i talk to about my relationship problems other than the guy I'm dating??"

He said "idk but not me, go to a therapist." That never made sense to me but i believed him because i didn't want to lose him. In the beginning of the relationship he would be there for me when i was anxious or depressed, but in the past year and half, every time i'm down, he tells me to not come to him.

Is that normal? I know he was not my therapist and i wouldn't dump my problems on him, but I just wanted some support.

Anyway, I don't want to make this long. If you want specifics of the conversation I can write them in the comments.

I'm still nauseous and shaking so I'm having a hard time typing this, sorry if it's a bit messy. He was so mean to me just now, that even though I'm grieving the relationship, I'm glad i broke up with him. I don't think i want to be with someone who's so mean to me after all the b*llying I've endured in my life.

Also if any of you are worried about me, please don't be! I'm at home right now thankfully and my mom is helping me. Thank you again for being so supportive, I really wasn't expecting so much of it! You all are amazing💓🥲 I hadn't blocked him yet, but he just blocked me on all socials.

UPDATE to edit: he just unblocked me and started calling me on instagram when he realised I blocked his number. I finally blocked him back. I'm feeling really anxious and overwhelmed but I think I've made the right decision.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

yeehawt22 wrote:

You did the best thing for yourself 🩵 I know the betrayal and hurt is hard now, but months to years from now you are going to thank your past self for leaving a cheater and a liar to open yourself up to someone new who will make you feel loved and respected.

OP responded:

Thank you so much💓 All the support from you guys is really helping it hurt just a tad bit less.

Rainbow_dreaming wrote:

You were incredibly brave to tackle this head on, and to persevere, even though he was trying to obfuscate. I'm sorry you feel bad, but I have to say, you did really well to communicate your feelings so clearly.

OP responded:

Thank you so much💓 Communication is very important to me, so I'm glad I talked it out even though it was more of an argument than anything. It wouldn't have sat right with me if I just blocked him without any explanation.

mahnamahna123 wrote:

Seconded I'm so proud of you for sticking up for what is best for you. I also don't know if you need to hear this now as it's really fresh but I heard this after breaking up with someone manipulative and it helped me when I looked back later. Experiences like this while painful help us learn what treatment is not ok and what we won't accept going forward.

It is hard and difficult now but in the future this will help you recognise behaviour that you will not and should not tolerate.

You did so well.

OP responded:

I totally agree. Thank you so much💓 Even though it really hurts, I'm trying to see this as a wake up call for myself. all my life I've let people walk over me just so they like me. I'm realising that it's not worth it.

Nattyann384 wrote:

Please please please stay strong and don’t contact him asking him if he cares about you anymore. Go no contact. Block him on everything including social media so that you don’t see what he’s up to. Ultimately that will just set you back even more. I know it hurts but please believe me when I say, you’re so young. You have so much more life to live. And I promise you will find someone better.

agonistPHd wrote:

I mean, he was your problem, so he was exactly the right person with whom to address it. Good for you for dumping him.

OP responded:

Yeah he always made me feel like I was crazy for talking to him about our relationship problems. Like who else do I go to?

Hooiserdaddy1369 wrote:

My gut is telling me to not be surprised if he ends up dating her. I hope I'm wrong but be prepared.

OP responded:

I'm mentally preparing myself for that too. IDK how I will deal with that. I don't even want to think about it.

WeeklyConversation8 wrote:

Good that you dumped him. He was never friends with her, so why did he lie? He didn't have to meet her. He should have said no. He knew who she was and chose to meet up with her anyway. He literally didn't care how you felt. You're better off without him. Block him in return. It's not rude at all.

OP responded:

Oh my god your comment made me remember a really big detail I forgot to mention, when he was justifying meeting up with her, his reason was that he befriends everyone, so it's not exclusive to her. And he also told me "she seems like she's a changed person."

HOW did I forget to mention that when I wrote this. Sorry my brain is all muddled up. I just remembered this because of your comment. That really hurt me, that he even justified her behaviour.

Final_Technology104 wrote:

OP, I’m sooo sorry you’re having to go through this!

And I’m very proud you! I’ve been where you are now when I was your age. The pain is unbearable!

He blocked you, you haven’t blocked him but rest assured, he’s stalking all of your accounts right now. His confidence is so high right now, thinks he’s got your b*lly in the bag right now dating wise and tossed you aside, benched you without a thought. You just wait, his over confidence in this whole situation with your b*lly is going to tank when she starts going out with other guys and dumps HIM!!!

And then, he’ll come right back to you like nothing ever happened or he’ll love bomb you to get you back. Don’t Take Him Back. EVER

He is now “Used Goods”, and who would want your high school bully’s “sloppy seconds”??!!??

If he comes back to you, he’s telling you by his actions that you’re his “Rebound Girl." How insulting!!! In the meantime, I hope you get a boyfriend that treats you like the Queen you are! And when this happens, show him off on your social platforms so your old boyfriend, who we know will be creeping your socials, will regret the day he lost you, never to get you back.

Oh, and if he does call you and you talk with him and he starts pouring out his heart to you saying that he loves you, blah blah blah and that he’s sorry yada yada yada, tell him, “I’m sorry, BUT IM NOT YOUR THERAPIST! DON’T DUMP YOUR PROBLEMS ONTO ME!” It will be like you holding up the sacred mirror so he can see and experience what he did to you.

OP responded:

Thank you so much🥲🥲💓💓 you're so right, i definitely don't want to be his rebound. And honestly showing him a mirror if he tries to come back is a good idea. iI will be harsh, but he won't be able to justify himself after that.

It sounds like OP is onto better things, it'll just take some time to grieve the relationship she thought she had.