'My boyfriend made a comment during a movie and I can't stop feeling ugly.'

"My boyfriend [30M] made a comment during a movie and I [29F] cant stop feeling ugly."

Sorry this is long. Some context for this: I am 29F with small breasts and this is something that has plagued me with insecurity since puberty. My bf [30M] has been great and supportive, we have been together for about a year now.

He is aware that I have insecurities regarding my body image and says he loves my body and my small boobs. He is patient with me, kind, fun, and up until this happened, I thought about taking things further with him.

A few months ago, we were watching a movie and there were a lot of bedroom scenes. The one girl in the movie was taking off her shirt and my bf just blurted out "put your shirt back on you flat-chested b****."

We were both kind of hate-watching the movie, being mean and making fun of the characters (this particular character didn't even have a flat chest) but it really changed my whole mood. I called him out and said "wow, okay. Tell me how you really feel" in a kind of joking way but it actually really hurt me.

He tried to save it by saying "well they're not yours, I like yours" but it did not make me feel better. We were carving pumpkins so I was a bit distracted, didn't push the issue further. But when we were done doing that I just shut down. I was already feeling nauseous before all this happened so I wanted to lay down.

Then I just started crying. I didn't want to admit that a dumb comment hurt me like that so I just told him I didn't know why I was sad. I was going to make us dinner but I decided he didn't deserve that. I apologized for not cooking and I wanted to be alone. He was sympathetic toward how I wasn't feeling good and left.

I thought this was something I could get over as it is just a dumb comment but I have not. Its something that I've been thinking about ever since. And some nights it makes me cry. We recently went on a vacation with my girl friends and I felt so insecure and sad the whole time noticing all my friends had larger boobs than me.

It made me wonder if everything he said to me about loving my body is a lie, as that comment seemed to come so naturally from him. It makes me wonder if he's looking at other girl's boobs wishing I had larger ones. I'm very conflicted because that comment made me feel so ugly.

But when we hang out with his coworkers they seem to know so much about me and tell me how he is head over heels for me bc he talks about me so much. I'm sorry this is so long. It seems like every time I start feeling good about my appearance and think maybe I don't need a boob job, something happens that reverses that completely. I wasn't meant to be happy in the body I was given I guess.

I did talk to him about it finally and he didn't give me much of a response. At first he tried to bring up something I've been doing that he doesn't like, but I told him now is not the time to be talking about that as I have been working up the courage to tell him my feelings on this for a long time. He mentioned that his actions show he loves me so why would I think he finds me ugly?

I told him that I haven't heard such an insult like that since high school, that its something a dumb high school boy would say. He said "I guess I do have to grow up then." I didn't try to console me, just said he was taken aback and wanted to think about it. Not sure where to go from here because idk if I can see him the same way anymore.

TL;DR: My BF made a derogatory and insulting comment about flat chested women, and I, a flat chested woman, feel ugly now. Not sure if I can continue the relationship. If you took the time to read all this, you're a trooper. Thank you.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Truffly0214 wrote:

I have large breasts, but if my husband said something so vile about another woman like that I’d be pissed. It’s just so needlessly cruel and has nothing to do with how good or bad the move is. You have bigger problems than your (smaller) boobs, girl.

Also - grass is always greener. I wish I had smaller boobs sometimes because there are so many cute outfits that I just can’t wear. I need support for my girls, so anything backless is automatically out, for example.

itcouldbeworsemydude wrote:

I'm not going to justify his actions or say what he did was okay, but tbh I think the root of this is not his comment. If you felt nausea from it and it has made you cry multiple times there is some underlying issue that you need to address, preferably in therapy.

I'm saying this because if you think that your chest size is somehow not good enough, he could tell you a thousand times that he loves your body and that your chest is perfect but you'll only believe him the one time he says it's not.

It's going to keep happening with everybody in your life because you're filtering the love they give you through your own insecurities, so the love they have for the parts you consider unworthy will never reach you.

OP responded:

I was nauseous in general before this and kinda used that as a reason I was feeling depressed because I thought maybe the feeling would pass and id get over it. But yeah. You're right. Its something I think about a lot. This comment has been very valuable to me.

Individual_Water3891 wrote:

When you were making fun of the other characters, were the insults also physical? If they were, then this is an issue you need to work through in therapy.

I think you should either way, but it's really common for people to make fun of people for physical things (not saying it's right) and if everything else physical was an acceptable joke but this is "derogatory" then this is something you need to work through on your own with a professional.

OP responded:

No, mostly just jokes about how bad the movie is or things they were doing. I might point out something interesting or unique about someone's appearance but I dont like to make comments about people's bodies like that.

It was especially hurtful since it was an insulting comment relating to my own appearance even if it wasn't aimed at me. Yes I'm aware of my need for therapy I just dont think its right he basically insulted my body type in front of me.

Cloudyday100 wrote

I once had a girlfriend who never thought she was pretty, in spite of me showing her that I thought she was perfect. One night we went to a movie that starred Nastassja Kinski, an undoubtedly beautiful looking woman. After the movie, on the drive home and for a few hours after that, my gf was sobbing uncontrollably.

She was inconsolable. Seeing N. Kinski brought out a ton of pent up insecurity about her own appearance. Your boyfriend, very crassly, triggered a deep, long-held feeling of inferiority in you.

While I agree with others that he may not be someone you need in your life, I also think the bigger issue for you is dealing with your low body image. Even the fact that many, many guys are highly attracted to small breast sizes, it probably won't make much of a difference to you.

In many ways, we all struggle with society's beauty standards, even when those standards are inconsistent, highly questionable, and very much deserving of a f*** off attitude. Please consider getting some counseling. You are perfect the way you are and will be much happier when you know it and feel it.

Professional_Jump155 wrote:

Not even going to talk about what your BF said; I’m just so sad that this is how you feel about your boobs. I am a also a card carrying member of the itty bitty titty committee and I genuinely love it.

It’s so much easier - I haven’t worn a bra for about 8 years. When I was really young I was self conscious, but over time there was so many positives that I’ve come to love that aspect of my body. F what your BF thinks, I just want you to love what you have.