'My boyfriend of 5 years just ghosted me because I'm going on a graduation trip.' UPDATED

"My (25F) boyfriend (30M) of 5 years just ghosted me?"

I’ve been with my boyfriend since the start of 2020, when we met in med school. We’ve had some tiffs over the years, but we never had a super serious fight that would lead to a breakup.

However, every time we had a small argument over anything, he would ALWAYS disappear and go over a day without talking to me - and ALL of those times, I had to be the one to chase him. He never, not even once, messaged me after a fight/argument.

We’ll be graduating this year, and my grandpa wanted to gift me a holiday (like 7-10 days at a country nearby) for my graduation. I already knew this would be a problem because my boyfriend is a jealous person. I told him about the gift, and said he’s welcome to come with me - but obviously my grandpa would not be paying for this trip.

He has no money (since we’re med students graduating this year and have no source of good income yet), and said he did not like this idea and that it made him feel insecure. I tried to be very understanding and respectful, and asked him if he thinks I’ll cheat on him just because I’m on a trip for 10 days - he said that’s not the issue, but also did not clarify what the issue was then.

The next day, I tried to continue talking to him normally, but he was clearly being weird and distant. The day after that, we had a class together, and he treated me like shit in front of everyone. That was it for me, I decided I would not be overcompensating or blowing sunshine up his a$s for something that isn’t wrong. That night, he sent me a good night text, to which ai replied.

That was Tuesday. Today’s Friday and he never messaged or contacted me again, and neither did I. I know not talking is childish af, but I really don’t want to be humiliated and go chase him yet again. I think this time, if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, I’ll just let him. Am I missing something?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

He’s acting very immature but I also kinda get why he’s mad. If a family member gifted me a long trip without including my partner of FIVE years I’d assume it’s because their family hated me and wanted my partner to feel slighted as well as spend that time apart from me.

OP responded:

I don’t think that’s the point, this trip would be kinda expensive and we’re not married or engaged, so I didn’t expect my grandpa to spend twice as much to include him.

On top of that, earlier this year my mom took me on a car trip and invited him (since it would be much cheaper, since it’s by car etc), she said she’d pay. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting money from my family like that and would only go when he had his own money.

Tremenda_Carucha wrote:

OP, babe, I get it, you're gutted and puzzled. It's like he hits a button and poof, gone! And here you are, left hanging. But girl, you can't keep chasing after that ghost. You deserve to celebrate your achievements without him putting you down.

OP responded:

It’s not just that, it feels cold and heartless to not even agree on ending things. We have good memories together and he has been good for me a lot of times. I guess I’m wondering if it’s worth it to throw it all away because of a trip - though now it’s more about the principle than the trip itself.

Like, what if I get an internship somewhere else for a month or 2 during medical residency? Then I’d have to turn it down because of him? This makes no sense in my head

Old-Ninja-113 wrote:

Wow he’s so immature for a 30 year old! You seem much more together and I’m sure you are seeing that this type of person is not the one for you. You are graduating and imagine when you start working those crazy hours when doing residency and he’s giving you this treatment because he doesn’t like your hours? I’d just cut the cord soon on this and move on. You have a lot more going for you that to be with a baby.

OP responded:

I know this post makes it look like he’s a bad boyfriend or a bad person, but I do love him and he has been a good partner overall. And I really did not want to break up. I had this naive idea that we’d get married and stay together forever. And now he’s making it sound like I’m the one who wants to break up “just to go on a trip”. So I’m feeling very guilty and confused

LhasaApsoSmile wrote:

Why are you with this guy? Let him think he ended it. He is used to you chasing after him. That is what he expects. Go on your trip and have fun.

OP responded:

The funny part is that I’m sure he thinks he’s the victim and that I ended things. When I asked him why he was so bothered about me being gone for 10 days, he said that it sounded like I wanted to be single and couldn’t break up with him. So he actually thinks that I ended things to go on a trip. Which makes me even more upset.

Two months later, OP shared an update.

Hi friends. I couldn’t take the pressure of not talking at all, so I ended up reaching out to him. We had a conversation and talked about our insecurities, the fact that I’ll always want to do things on my own (and that I want him to do things on his own), and I thought we had sorted things out.

Then fast forward a few weeks, I mentioned again going on my trip and he absolutely lost it. Told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship where the other part was constantly doing things on their own (this was the 2nd time I traveled during the 5 years of our relationship). It turned into an endless discussion over me not wanting to waste my grandpa’s gift X him not wanting me to go anywhere.

He ended up giving me an ultimatum: either I’d stay with him or I’d travel. Mind you: this trip would be 8 days long. I tried telling him how much I love him and how much I want to be with him, but I still want to enjoy things by myself, especially if the reason is that he can’t come. It didn’t work.

On July 2nd he broke up with me. He left my house at 7pm, and had deleted all of our pictures by 8am. He never contacted me again, ever, for any reason. I went on the trip. It was great. I ended up meeting with some friends from home who were coincidentally at the same place.

I came back a week ago. I feel completely lost, guilty, lonely. I feel like I’m a bad person who hurt a good person. I think about messaging him to try to work out things at least once every 10 minutes. I feel so, so, so bad. I don’t think he would ever get back together with me, so my sense of self preservation stops me from trying to reach out.

I’m writing this in my room, it’s 5 past midnight and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what I’m gonna do next. I don’t think we’re compatible anymore, but he’s the person I spent basically my entire adult life with. Anyway, just thought I’d share the update and maybe get some insights from you guys. Sending everyone who commented on the first post lots of love.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Evrydyguy wrote:

I feel like there’s something left out. There has to be more to his distain for you going on this trip and his extreme jealousy. To go five years and just up and vanish while still in med school, about to graduate. What has happened in his past or your past or even your combine relationship’s past? Was there cheating? Was there flirting of some kind? Did he see old videos of you with an ex?

I don’t think there’s a problem with spouses going on separate trips. Been married myself for over a decade and my wife does girl trips all the time. Him being jealous, while not awesome it’s still a human reaction that should be dealt with. You being in med school you should be sympathetic to that idea.

It’s been 63 days since your first post. I’m kinda confused on time line. Did you just get back from the trip now or did he leave 63 days ago and it’s now just hitting you after the trip is over?

OP responded:

Our first fight over me going on the trip was when I first posted. We actually broke up on July 2nd. I got back from my trip July 21st. Of course there will always be something left out. You’re only getting one side of the story. I never cheated on him, and he never cheated on me.

Evrydyguy responded:

Was he always insecure? Has there been situations where he freaked out prior to this?

OP responded:

He was always jealous to a degree, and that was never a secret. To be completely fair, I was very jealous when we first started dating too, and very insecure. I was 19, though. And I like to think that the fact that he never cheated on me made me trust him more and more throughout the years, and I stopped feeling jealous.

He never liked, for example, that I had straight guy friends. There was a boy who lives in the same building as me who offered me a ride to uni more than once (he goes to the same uni), and my ex always told me not to take that offer (even though that meant I’d have to take the bus).

Other example I can think of is when a band I love came to my country, but the concert would be in a different city. My mom offered to give me tickets as a bday gift, but he was extremely offended when I mentioned going with a (girl) friend, because he couldn’t go. So I ended up not going.

There has been more than one occasion where I had to cancel plans with girlfriends because he was jealous. Including one night out at a bar with 3 other girls who were all in serious relationships. That being said, obviously you’re getting the worst parts of him by my retelling of the story. He wasn’t all bad, and I don’t think he’s a bad person.

As I said, I had some moments of jealousy myself, I’m no saint. Ultimately, I think my conclusion was that, if this had been an amazing relationship and the only problem was the trip thing, I could’ve not gone on the trip. But that wasn’t the case. My parents even told me, after the breakup, that these past months I looked frustrated and sad.

Maybe the final straw for me, looking back, was that on Valentine’s day (which we celebrate on June 12th here in my country), he didn’t do anything romantic at all, even though I voiced multiple times how much it meant to me.

He never gave me flowers for the entirety of the relationship, even though I said to him multiple times I love them, and Valentine’s day was no different. No flowers, no picking me up at home, no picking up the bill at the restaurant. Anyway, I digress. My point is that there were other problems in the relationship that were unrelated to the trip.

Equivalent-Board-260 wrote:

I'm sorry you're feeling heartbroken, but you make the right decision. Cry. Let yourself cry more. Watch movies that make you cry. Then reach out to friends and do in person things with them even if you don't think you want to. You're probably going to feel like you don't know what to do with your free time for a bit. Take up a new hobby or two.

Things your friends do are great starting points, but a sport, art (theatre group, choir), craft, community endeavour...anything that gets you out of your nest and doing in person things with roughly the same group of people every week. Talk to everyone. Arrive early and leave late if you can so you can have those conversations. You will make more friends and it will give you something fun to fill the time with.

Spend time with your grandparents and parents. We don't get enough time with them.

Congratulations on your graduation. You're going to do amazing things.

OP responded:

I’ve been trying to do things, but it’s been very difficult. I have barely left my bedroom ever since I came back from my trip. I feel physically tired, as if I was sick. I used to go to the gym religiously 6x a week, but ever since we broke up I haven’t been there once.

Thank you for your support. I am excited for one thing though: I was just elected the official speaker for my graduation year! So I’ll be giving a speech at the ceremony. I have that to look forward to

Attirey wrote:

You didn't hurt a good person. Good people don't treat their partners the way he treats you. Is there anyone in the world you have enough disdain for that you'd speak to them the way he speaks to you? Anyone you dislike enough to ghost them the way he ghosts you? Is there anyone whose opinion of you matters so little, that you can be selfish and rude to them and feel comfortable with that?

Would you speak to your grandfather the way the man you think loves you, speaks to you. Would you expect any of your friends to still want to be around you if you treated them the way he treats you? Or are you careful with your relationships because those people matter to you?

If he loved you, he wouldn't be like this. He's manipulative and controlling. He's got you bamboozled. You miss the fake person you wish he was, not the real him. Is this what you want to be doing in five years? Begging for crumbs from someone who treats you as disposable? Be with someone who respects you.

[deleted] responded:

In five years they'll BOTH BE DOCTORS AND ME FINANCIALLY WELL OFF. If he can't see that and wants to end the relationship because she wanted to go on a trip with her grandfather OF ALL PEOPLE he is stupid for smart person 🗣️🗣️🗣️

OP responded:

Hey, just to clarify, the trip was a gift from my grandpa, but he didn’t come with! I went by myself. Sorry if for some reason I made it sound like he would be there, english is not my first language