'My boyfriend of 7 years wants to take a 1 year long break. What should I do?' MAJOR UPDATE

"My (27F) boyfriend (28M) of 7 years wants to take a 1 year long 'break'"

Hi. Me (27F) and my BF (28M) have been together since we were 20 y/o and for the most part our relationship was pretty good. We can communicate pretty well our wants and needs so it's been a very healthy relationship.

A couple of days ago I noticed something was bothering him and I asked. He said he doesn't feel as good as he used to. He's not ok with where he is now in his life. He doesn't like his job, his economics, his life basically. The only thing he said is good in his life is me, and that doesn't make him feel fulfilled.

We've been talking nonstop this past few days, also we have cried too much. At the beginning I was scared because I didn't want the relationship to end but the more we talk the more I feel I don't deserve this situation. I know is not a me problem, is him, his life, his goals. I cannot think for him, I can't be happy for him.

I'm exhausted, at the end of every conversation he ends up telling me that even though he wants to discover himself, the only thing he's sure is that he doesn't wanna live without me, but then the next morning he wakes up confused with what he wants again. He's came up with this idea of take a 1 year long "break" so he can find himself and then come back to me.

I honestly think that's awful, and I told him that I love him so much and probably in a year I will still love him the same but I don't deserve that, I won't be sitting with my arms folded just waiting, I'll probable recent him a lot, so that won't work for me. If he stays he stays and commit to work things out in therapy, and if he leaves it's done.

He said the most important thing for him is my happiness and I deserve a concrete answer of what his choice will be, he wants time to think about it, like a month. But now I'm asking myself what do I want? Honestly him pulling this stunt destroyed somehow a little of my trust in him, so I don't know if now should I leave either way.

TL;DR: My bf of seven years is confused about what he wants in like and wants to take a 1 year long break, now I'm disappointed and asking myself if I should leave the him.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

PoorCorrelation wrote:

I just don’t get the logic. Everything‘a wrong in his life except you so he wants to throw you out the window too? Tons of people improve their job, finances, and quality of life while they’re in a relationship. It can even be helpful to have a SO for support during so much change. Why does he see you as a barrier to a happy life rather than an enabler?

OP responded:

He thinks that in order to be better he has to be a better person by himself, to overcome his difficulties along, because, in his words, I'll do everything for him.

I hooked up in his current job, y make the more money in the house, I manage that finances in order to stay us up float. I'm the one who has friends, he doesn't have any. So he feels like he's dragging me down all the time because of him feeling depressed all the time.

gofyourselftoo wrote:

He doesn’t want to take a year off. He wants to break up , but he can’t bring himself to jump off the cliff.

OP responded:

I said this to him last night. Maybe he's too afraid to pull the trigger, so maybe I should do it for him.

IthurielSpear wrote:

Are you sure he is not having an affair? This back-and-forth torture that he is putting you through just screams affair.

ahdrielle wrote:

If he wants to be free, let him be free. You're right. You don't deserve to have to sit there in anxiety for a month while he teeters. And if after 7 years he needs that long to think, I wouldn't want it with him anymore either.

individual-foxlike wrote:

Breaks don't work. Healthy couples work through their problems together. Your instincts are correct - he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it. Either he stays in a relationship with you or he breaks up with you and you have no obligations.

Nine months later, OP shared an update.

We broke up. Now, if you guys wanna know what happened get comfy. All the people who said he was cheating on me was right buy I didn't realize it up untill June, four months after my first post. We had long and hard discussions after he said he wanted to leave, we both cried a lot because of that. A month later it was all said and done, we were going to break up and he was going move away to a place near his workplace, like 1 and a half hours from the city.

I said that I loved him and he asked me that if he came sooner or later back I would take him back with open arms and I said maybe, but wasn't sure. I helped him pack his stuff and he left, that day I felt my world was crashing down, I cried my eyes out for like a week and the something suddenly snapped and I was sick of the self pity, so I started to build my like back up again.

Three weeks after he moved he texted me that he made a mistake and he wanted to come back, I said I didn't want that so the answer was no, next morning he texted me again saying he lost the place he was staying and he really needed to come back, that he didn't have anyone to provide him shelter so I took him in.

He stayed a couple of weeks and told me he wanted to work on the relationship but I was very resentful of him and everything we talked I treated him poorly, but then internally regretted it because I didn't want to be an awful person, I just wanted to be in peace.

After a month I told him he couldn't live with me anymore and that he needed to move out of my place and so he did a month later. We lived together a total of two months.

After he left I started to go out more and meet new people, I got a couple of hookups with some guys and all started to look bright again. One day I bumped into his boss and start chatting with him and he told me he was glad I was better and that he found weird my ex would want to date a coworker of him, that he advised him against that but he did it anyways.

That set an alarm bell for me. Coincidentally the very next day I was at a party and bumped into a mutual friend (but more his friend than mine) and engaged in a conversation for hours, later in when we were both drunk he let slide that he knew my ex was cheating on me since November of last year.

Now with the details I called a third person, a friend of him from college that wasn't on speaking terms with my friend since January and asked why they had that fallout, he told me he didn't want to indulge on cheating and that's why they argued.

I kept that information to myself.

A week later my ex called me to talk about a debt he has to pay me back and I told him that I knew what happened and he denied it all.

A month go by and my company sent me to the north of the country to work for one and a half months, during that period my ex called me once a week to cry about how much he missed me and how he life was a mess without me, I didn't reply or answer but couldn't block him since he owe me a lot of money.

I came back to my state and start seeing exclusively one guy that was originally a hookup but feeling started to come out, my ex found out and started to panic again. Now, one thing I didn't mention is that the girl he cheated on me with is now his official girlfriend so I told him that if he kept on calling of texting me I would tell that girl he's saying he doesn't want to be with her and her kids sooo...

Now I feel happy, happier than I was before and didn't realize it.

T;LDR: he was cheating on me and I moved on.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

[deleted] wrote:

"He told me he didn't want to indulge on cheating and that's why they argued." Couldn't be bothered to tell you though, apparently. What an AH.

"so I told him that if he kept on calling of texting me I would tell that girl he's saying he doesn't want to be with her and her kids sooo..." If you don't do this anyway you are also an asshole. Don't help this guy cheat.

OP responded:

I thought about that too, about telling that girl but she was the one he cheated on me with and she knew we were on a relationship. Also if I tell her is inviting the drama to my life again. But you have a point, I'm going to think about it.

Vast_Reflection wrote:

Yeah, tell her and block them both. You’d never see the money again anyway and you deserve peace. He will always be trying to get back with you.

Corfiz74 wrote:

Oh boy, what a total a#$hat. Seems that karma did your work for you, fortunately. Take him to court for the money he owes you, though - you probably won't ever get it back, otherwise.

Alesus2-0 wrote:

It's good that your life has improved. I think it's doubtful that he'll ever repay you. Unless there's any concrete evidence that he intends to, you should probably proceed on the basis that the money is lost. If you'd block him with the money out of the equation, you should probably just block him. Maybe make one final demand for at least partial repayment.