'My boyfriend said he wishes I was still fat after losing weight and I'm so pissed. AITA?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA? My boyfriend said he wishes I was still fat after losing weight and I'm so f**king pissed."

I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend Adam (28M) for almost 3 years now. I feel like some context is needed to accurately describe our situation. When I was 15, my older brother passed away in a car accident and it threw me into a depression where I became very overweight. He was my best friend and meant the world to me. Losing him lead me into the worst years of my life.

A few months after I turned 18 I met Adam, he was one of my friend's older brother and we hit it off. He's smart, charismatic and I loved his sense of humor. Adam is also heavy but he was so comfortable in his skin it really made me admire his confidence.

I couldn't stand to even look at myself in a mirror so this last year I buckled down and lost weight, a very significant amount, and now I'm even below my high school weight. I've never been this fit in my life and I feel so good about myself. My 21st birthday was this last Saturday and Adam and my friends had planned a party for me.

Unfortunately, Adam had a family emergency so he wasn't going to be around for my birthday. I was completely okay with this and reassured him that it was fine when I drove him to the airport. My friend Andrea recommended that we should instead go to a str-p club and I thought that was an amazing idea.

I'd like to reiterate that it would've been a woman's only str-p club. The next time I talked to Adam I told him about the change in plans and he was very adamant that he didn't want me to go. He said it wasn't that he didn't trust me it's that he didn't trust my friends.

I ended up dropping the subject to not cause him further stress and we ended up just having the party they originally planned. Adam arrived today and I felt something was off, something has been off since I lost weight. I kept badgering him until he finally opened up. We talked and he eventually told me that we don't even look like we belong together anymore.

He brought up an instance where we were at the grocery store a week ago and a guy was asking me questions about watermelons in the fruit section. It was a casual conversation but he referred to my boyfriend as my brother and I quickly corrected him. The guy apologized said we looked similar and walked off, at the time my boyfriend laughed it off and didn't bring it up again.

He then said something that pissed me off so bad. He said "sometimes I wish you were still big so no one else would want you." I lost all sympathy and quickly corrected him. I told him even when I was a big girl guys hit on me all the time and just like I always do, I told them I have a boyfriend that I love.

He looked dumbfounded when i said this. l told him how f--ked it was that he wishes that I was back at the size where I was depressed and hated myself. He told me he misspoke and I'm blowing things out of proportion.

We argued more and he ended up leaving to his brothers to give me space. I've been sitting here just pissing myself off about what he said. Did he really think I was that unattractive when I was bigger? If so why did he date me, did he think I was desperate to be with someone because I was so fat? I just need some third party advice, am I overreacting?

The comments kept coming.

My__name__is wrote:

You are 21 and feeling good about yourself. Maybe its time to lose about 300 pounds more of deadweight and leave the guy that snatched up an 18 year old when he was 25 because he thought no one else wanted her.

JCristianRamirez wrote:

NOR, and he was a 25 year old seeking out an 18 year old to date. Trust that when you’re 25 you’ll see how big a gap that is. He was probably dating someone that much younger than him because girls his age didn’t want him and he thought you’d be easier to control.

Even if this wasn’t an active thought, the second you took control of your body by losing weight he was unhappy. A good partner hypes you up when you achieve something you wanted, they don’t try to cut you down. This dude is not worth the time of day.

OP responded:

Well all I know is that his previous relationship lasted 5 years and it was a girl he dated in college. I never really considered that he had the intention to control me and I really hope that isn't the case. This is the first comment he's really made that cut me down but now that I think about it you are right, he hasn't really hyped me up either.

MedievalMoomin wrote:

It’s pretty clear from what he said that he chose you because he thought you would never leave him, and because in his shallow view he thought no one else would be interested in you. When he said that, he probably didn’t stop to think what a miserable time in your life that was. He was probably purely thinking of himself not wanting to be dumped. Now he has said that, you can’t un-hear it.

You deserve so much better than to be anyone’s ‘at least I know she’ll never leave me.’ He has a whole lot of growing up to do and he needs to work on being secure in himself, but it’s not your job or responsibility to hang around while he does.

In your place, if I heard someone considered me the ‘pity girlfriend’ or ‘too unattractive to ever leave me,’ I would be out that door immediately and I wouldn’t be going back.

sora_tofu_ wrote:

Not overreacting. It’s pathetic that he was shocked that men still wanted you when you were big. I never had issues getting dates and having relationships with men, even when I was nearly 200 pounds.

A day later, OP shared an update.

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone for giving me their opinions and advice, it really means alot to me. I debated if I should post again but I need an outlet to vent. I've been laying here in the dark and I've read basically all the comments and I think an update is warranted. Basically Adam and I are taking a break and I've been crying my eyes out for the last few hours.

He came home today and we both agreed that we need to talk and get everything out in the open. He started off by apologizing for what he said, particularly the "sometimes I wish you were still big so no one else would want you" part. I asked if he thought I was unattractive when I was bigger and he said no but he doesn't understand why I'm dieting and exercising the way I am.

Adam said I shouldn't have to cook 2 different meals and should just eat what he does and me going to the gym 6 times a week is obsessive. I told him that it makes me happy bettering myself and he said that it has completely changed me.

Adam went on to talk about how all I really care about is my looks now. He said he liked my hair how it used to be before I went to a stylist, he liked how I use to paint my own nails instead of getting them done and how I use to never wear makeup instead of how I have to have some on now before I go out.

Adam then said he knows I lost weight because I was unhappy with myself but he was always happy with me and he doesn't understand why I have to keep trying to make myself hotter when I was already hot. We talked back and forth but it felt like I was just doing everything wrong.

Adam said that I don't ever want to do things he enjoys anymore like play video games with him or binge watch movies and he feels like I'm a different person. I have pushed him to go on walks with me or go to the gym in the past but he's told me no so I figured we just had our different hobbies. I feel bad because I see from his point I have changed and I may not be the girl he fell in love with.

I told him I love him and he said he loves me too but we need to separate for a bit and figure out if we're best for each other. I didn't argue I just said okay and let him pack his things and leave. He's letting me stay in the apartment until i can move my stuff out. I've been crying my eyes out and everything feels like a blur. I don't know where to go from here and I feel like I ruined my first real relationship.

The comments kept coming.

[deleted] wrote:

You didn't really mention in your original post that you had started focusing so much on how you look besides your fitness regime. Or that you had stopped enjoying the same activities e.g. gaming and movie binging.

This isn't a criticism of you, but it does indeed sound like you have changed significantly from the person he knew, so perhaps separation was not a terrible idea. You are very young, I know it sounds cliché but you will find someone else who you are more compatible with in future. It hurts right now, but you just need time. Be strong!

OP responded:

Well at the time it felt like me changing my appearance wasn't so much of an issue since he never complained about it but I see now I was wrong. Now replaying everything in my mind his reactions have always been indifferent whenever I would show off my hair or nails to him.

I still would play video games and watch movies with him but it wasn't as often as it use to be. For a time that's all we did everyday. I do appreciate your input and I know it may sound dumb but I am holding out hope we work things out.

creativekinda wrote:

"Shame on me for changing? Shame on you for staying the same."

It's not like you've changed for the worst such as your attitude or reckless behavior.

Just because he doesn't have the motivation to do anything different with his life doesn't mean you shouldn't. You didn't ruin your relationship. He was just more compatible with the overweight, low-self esteem version of yourself.

GregoryHD wrote:

Well, you are much better off for your future adventures I suppose. From a man's perspective, he is most likely intimidated by your transformation and thinking that you are going to one day realize that you are out of his league and leave.

I can relate in a way as my wife had a tummy tuck after last child really made her look hotter, improved her confidence, and pushed her to hit the gym. I decided my best play was to be happy for her and try to keep up which I what I did. We are now both fit and comfy with our physical shapes and still taking things one day at a time between us.

Anoncommenter wrote:

Taking a break? What the hell does that mean? Are you single or taken? Can you have a hookup or no seeing other people? Look, good luck but your going to get hit on and realize your missing out on a lot of fun. I’m surprised he asked for the break. Seems he would be extremely worried that you will meet someone new and leave him.

OP responded:

From what he said he wants us to take some time apart and connect again. I was also confused by what this meant for us but he doesn't want us to see other people for now. I know most people are suggesting we split up but I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I consider it.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who reached out, your support has meant so much to me. To get to the point I broke up with Adam a few days ago and I'm still trying to process everything that happened.

Things have been hectic and I'm settling into my new situation. Last week I had decided it was time for me to move out of the apartment. Adam made it clear that our relationship wasn't going to improve unless we took time apart and as bad as I felt I knew he wasn't going to come back until I was gone.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to move all my stuff by myself so I decided to ask a co-worker if they could help me. The only heavy things I had were basically my bedframe and dresser, the rest were just boxes and suitcases full of clothes. Last Monday I asked my co-worker David if he could help me move my stuff into my parents garage.

I know he use to work for a moving company and he has a truck so I was hoping he could do it for 100 bucks lol. I showed him pictures of my stuff and he said he would just have to take apart my bedframe but yeah he could do it on Thursday which was his next day off. I didn't have that day off but I had PTO to cover it so it was fine.

Thursday comes and David shows up to the apartment, I show him where everything is and he goes out to his truck to get his tools. It wasn't more than like a minute or two when I hear Adam's voice yelling 'Did you f--k my girlfriend'. I immediately go into the living room and see David with his hands up looking very confused and Adam asking him 'Did you f--- her'.

I swear this was the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me, I could feel my face get red. I go over and grab Adam's hand and pull him into the bedroom. He's freaking out asking if David is the guy I've been seeing. I told him he's crazy and that David is my co-worker and he's only here to help me move my stuff.

He said he didn't believe me and he wants to see my phone. I told him I didn't have anything to hide but if he goes through my phone that's a deal breaker for me. He waited a second before taking my phone and going through it. I stood there watching him open up all my socials, all my texts and even scroll through all of my pictures.

It was almost like a light switch went off in my head and whatever love I had for him was gone, I felt disgusted. I told him that i was breaking up with him and he looked shocked. He started apologizing and said he was coming over to tell me not to move out and that he wants me to stay with him but he just freaked out when he saw me here with a guy.

That's when I realized that Adam knows I work on Thursdays so why was he even over here? I asked him this but he just kept apologizing and begging me to not leave him. Something in me finally snapped and I screamed at him to get out. I've been mad before but I've never screamed at anyone like that. He just stared at me turned around and left. I immediately picked up my phone and blocked him.

I found David in his truck and apologized to him and asked if he could still help me, and he said of course. After we had everything put up in my parents garage I went to pay him and he said instead I could buy him lunch, I took him up on the offer because it would be cheaper than 100 bucks and i suggested Applebee's lol.

It was nice getting to vent to someone who saw how crazy Adam was firsthand. After we were done he went and paid and said I can get him next time. The breakup didn't really hit me until the next day and even though I cried my eyes out it felt good, like I got this huge weight off my chest.

To be honest it's almost scary how okay I'm feeling about it all. Maybe it hasn't fully sank in yet and I'll miss him when it does but for now I feel fine. Thank you to everyone who's given their advice and helped me, I'm pretty sure this is my last update unless something crazy happens.

The commenters were deeply invested.

theficklemermaid wrote:

I remember your original post. I was angry on your behalf when he assumed no one wanted you before when you were bigger and was so shocked that you corrected him to say people did express interest but you declined.

It’s obvious he was only with you because of his own insecurities and thought he could control you by putting you down about your weight so you wouldn’t leave, instead of actually putting effort into treating you right and maintaining the relationship.

His insults and accusations were a--sive, and I’m glad you were able to get out safely. Please keep your guard up and maintain boundaries as leaving an a--sive relationship can be one of the most difficult and dangerous times since they may escalate.

QueenofDragons7 wrote:

You need to check your stuff for air tags, it's super sus that he knew to be at the house when you were.

MotherofLochs wrote:

Woooooooo the fact that he was there when he knew you were meant to be working is a huge red flag: is he tracking you because wtf? Stay safe.

96BlackBeard wrote:

The people commenting on your co worker, are so out of touch.

Good on you for finally getting out of that toxic relationship! And seeing your ex for what he really is.