'My brother is having an out-of-state child-free wedding and is upset I’m not coming. AITA?'
"AITA? My brother is having an out-of-state child-free wedding and upset I’m not coming."
My brother lives in another state which is an 18-hour drive or 3.5 hour flight for us. I have a 2 and 5-year-old and was told that they would not be invited to the wedding at all, including rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception. I have no childcare options and would never feel comfortable leaving them with a stranger in an unfamiliar city in a hotel.
Obviously I had to decline the invitation and told my brother there was no way for me to attend his wedding because I had nowhere for the kids to go. My brother was upset and responded “just get a babysitter."
Obviously he doesn’t have kids and doesn’t understand it just isn’t that simple. I told him it was his wedding and he has to do what he wants to do, but that excluding his niece and nephew was ultimately also excluding me. I am hurt by his decision. I don’t intend to change his mind and even if he did I would no longer feel welcome, but this does hurt.
My brother is now upset I am not attending the wedding and upset that I am hurt by his decision to exclude my children. This is my only sibling and I thought we were close, we’ve visited him several times and my kids have always behaved, we’ve always been invited back! AITA for being upset by this?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wide-Speaker7384 wrote:
He is within his right to have a child free wedding. There are plenty of reasons for couples to do this. But this also means he has to accept that people are obligated to their children first, not just you, but anyone with a child. Safe and skilled babysitters don't just fall out of the sky. And he lives 18 hours away so it's not simple child care but asking for 24 hour care for several days in a row.
This is both expensive and even more difficult to arrange because most babysitters are doing so as a side hustle not their full-time job. So no, you can't just find a babysitter and he needs to accept that he accidentally excluded you when he chose a child free wedding. I don't have kids and fully understand this so he can too. He hurt himself.NTA. You need to care for your children first.
OkManufacturer767 wrote:
NTA. People who say "No kids" have that right. They also must be graceful when that is an insurmountable challenge for some parents.
There are consequences to every decision we make. Some decisions come with a cost and the goal is to be prepared to pay it.
He wanted the consequence of a wedding without kids to simply be a quiet, unchaotic, whatever he wanted event. He failed to see the cost of that was not everyone would be able to attend. And sadly, he failed to see the pain his decision would cause.
3Maltese wrote:
You both are taking it personally and I don't understand why you are hurt. He is not excluding you. This is a child free wedding and has nothing to do with how your brother feels about your children or their behavior.
It is interesting that you would no longer feel welcomed if he changed his mind. It doesn't sound like you are as close. You are big mad about this. You can be upset about anything that you want. And, so can he. Did you have non-negotiables in your wedding?
BlueRFR3100 wrote:
NTA. I am of the opinion that people can do pretty much anything they want when it's their wedding. The one thing they can't do is expect everyone to attend. And the more conditions they put on their wedding, the more invitees they should be prepared to decline.
TryFine317 wrote:
NTA. I’m shocked by how many people think it’s “so easy” for you to get a babysitter for your small children for multi day events that involve out of state travel - especially when your best options will likely also be attending the wedding. I would have thought one or both of your kids might even be in the wedding. I’m sorry.
hiddenkobolds wrote:
NAH. He's allowed to have the wedding he wants. You're allowed to not feel comfortable leaving your kids with a sitter. He's allowed to have feelings about it. I'm not sure it's quite as "obvious" as you're trying to make it out to be with your repeated use of the word-- there are people who would feel differently about it than you do-- but you have every right to decline regardless.
kurokomainu wrote:
ESH. I was going to say N T A given that your brother won't accept you not coming, but a number of things you said have me suspecting that on your end this is really about you being hurt that your kids weren't invited, more than it being impossible for you to find childcare.
That makes it a wash. He should accept that not inviting kids means some parents can't or simply won't come. He's allowed to have a child-free wedding and it doesn't mean he hates your kids.
suitable_cataclysm wrote:
NTA I had a child free wedding. It was absolutely the decision for us and I don't regret it. That being said, some people didn't come and that is their right/choice and I accepted that. Sucks because I love them and wanted them to be there, but I accept anyone's right not to attend for any reason. If he's going to have a restrictive wedding of any kind, he needs to accept each guests ability to attend.
crackfox2 wrote:
NTA. Your brother expecting you to fly across the country and leave a 2 and 5-year-old with a random hotel babysitter is completely out of touch with reality. He made his choice about who's important enough to be there, and now he's upset about the natural consequences of that choice.