'My brother-in-law just told my wife he is in love with her.' UPDATED 3X

Is there anything worse than finding out a family member is duplicitous and untrustworthy?

"My brother-in-law just told my wife he is in love with her."

Anyway yesterday my brother-in-law out of the blue asks my wife if she can meet him for lunch, there is something he needs to talk to her about. My wife tells me about it before accepting and asks if it might have something to do with my sister. Maybe they are having problems and he wants to discuss with another woman. I find it odd but I tell her to go find out.

So she accepts and they meet for lunch at a place near her office the next day. That’s where he tells her that he is in love with her. He lays it on thick, how beautiful she is, how she makes him feel, how he would treat her if she were his, how it was love at first sight, blah, blah, blah. Mind you, this man is married to my sister and has two kids.

He and my wife had a friendly relationship, our families see each other often as we are a close family. He does text her frequently but there was nothing overly s#xual. My brother in law texts and calls my mom too. So none of us thought anything of it. I want to stop a moment and emphasize that my wife isn’t cheating on me with him. My wife and I share an iPad and I see every one of her texts from there.

We are also looking at each other’s phones all the time so none of that is going on. So she doesn’t let him finish, walks out and calls me immediately to tell me what happened. While she is on the phone with me the texts from him start. He didn’t mean it, he’s thinks it’s only infatuation, blah, blah, blah.

She leaves work early to come home to talk to me about this and her phone is blowing up the entire time with calls and texts from him. I tell her to answer and she put him on speaker so I can hear. He’s crying begging not to tell my sister.

Apparently when we were together this past weekend he thought that she was flirting with him and that he thought they had a moment when they were alone in our kitchen. Now, my wife is a major ball buster and I suppose I can see how that can be taken as flirting. He asks if she told me, to which I answer yes as I am on speaker. Then he starts begging me. This went on a while.

My main question was whether he had cheated on my sister before. He said no, swore on his kids lives. It’s just my wife, he said I should understand. So I’m done listening at that point and told him I wasn’t going to do anything tonight and I would call him tomorrow. That’s where we are right now and I really don’t know what to do.

My wife says drive over there right now and tell my sister but the idea of wrecking my sister’s family is k*ling me. Thinking about what it will do to my nieces makes me want to vomit. I know the right thing to do is tell my sister but I am also thinking about my wife as well. It’s not her fault but there is sure to be resentment toward her from my family.

Even if my sister doesn’t divorce him and they reconcile I can’t see how we are ever together again like we were before, if at all. This whole episode can tear my family apart. I don’t give a shit about him, he tried to destroy my family but I do care about everyone else. I don’t know what to do. Any advice will help.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE:

So everyone that told me last night that I couldn’t wait to tell my sister was right. A little after 12 last night I get a call from my sister and says that she has to tell me that my wife tried to begin an affair with her husband.

So he tried to pin it on her. I told her that’s not the case and I will be right over. So I get on the phone, wake my mother and father, tell them what’s going on, wake my younger brother, tell him. My mom and dad head to my sisters to sit with their kids and my brother comes to our house to sit with ours and my wife and I head over.

My sister is out in the front porch with my brother in law when we get there. He looks beaten, he knows we have texts and voicemail. I really don’t know what he was hoping to accomplish.

My wife gives my sister her phone, she sees the texts, listens to the voicemails and he starts sobbing before she can say anything. My brother in-law is a firefighter, a big tough guy so this is a scene. My sister is pretty tough, she tells him to stop it, pack a bag and go. She can’t stand to look at him. There’s more begging but she has no patience for it.

So my sister walks off to talk with my wife. I see them hugging so at least I feel like they are ok. They have actually been friends since college, I met my wife through my sister. So they are tight. The thought of this wrecking her friendship had been weighing on me. This leaves me with my brother in law. He’s broken so I feel more sympathy than anger.

He says he’s sorry, he just couldn’t help it. It’s not hard to fall in love with my wife so I get it but damn man.

He eventually picks himself up and leaves. So we are there all night. My sister starts asking my wife why her husband would think any of this would work out.

He had to have some reason to believe that she felt the same way. My sister says they hadn’t been having problems. Everything was as it had always been. My wife is crying at this point and says there’s nothing you haven’t seen. She gives my sister her phone again and they read every text ever sent over the past 2 years, nothing there.

My wife was just herself. She has a playful personality and so does my brother in law so they tease each other. She does the same to my mom and younger brother as well. The only thing she could think of was the moment in the kitchen this past weekend he referenced.

They both went for the fridge at the same time and they playfully jostled for who would get there first. He lets her win but he reaches around her waist to get a beer slowly and she did feel the way that he did it was little inappropriate. She says she should have called him on it but didn’t want to make it a big thing. She feels maybe the fact that she didn’t gave him hope.

My sister doesn’t blame her so at least that’s good. So then my sister starts going through his MacBook to see what else she doesn’t know about. She’s angry and frantic at this point. She guesses the password, starts searching and finds A LOT of pictures on of my wife on that computer. They went back years and always isolated on just her.

We had gone as couples to the Caribbean a few years earlier. My wife wore a bikini, she usually doesn’t but since it was adults only she did. There were probably 50 of her in that bathing suit. So he’s been secretly been snapping these for years. Does this now enter retraining order territory? This has taken a creepy turn. I’ll update when I have more.

People had some comments and questions.

MaseOne wrote:

The fact that you so casually said “you wouldn’t do anything tonight and you would call him tomorrow” and not tell your sister ASAP is highly suspect….I can’t imagine a situation where ANY MAN would want to have lunch with my wife ALONE to share something with her and I’d be okay with that.

You really said “wait until tomorrow” after he profess their undying love to YOUR WIFE??? Something is afoot and there is more to this story you’re not sharing ….

OP responded:

We are all pretty close. My sister and my wife are college friends and we are family. I know this guy well he’s not a stranger. I just needed some time to process. My whole life just changed.

Yoyoyodamn wrote:

“He does text her frequently but there was nothing overly sexual” So since the constant texts to your wife from your sisters husband where only a bit sexual you let it slide? Anyways I can’t believe you didn’t go straight to your sisters tell her and beat his a$$.

OP responded:

The texts never crossed the line. I see all of them and he knows that. We are family it never occurred to me or my wife that things could take this turn. Like I said my wife is a b*ll buster and she treated him like a brother, like family.

And soon after, OP shared another update.

I’ve shared with my wife many of your comments. It makes her feel better that virtually everyone here holds her blameless, it makes her feel better so thank you. Unfortunately the mess continues. My sister agreed to talk to her husband last night and let him explain. She puts my wife on FaceTime during this conversation so there will be no lying. I’m listening in as well off camera.

My sister is also recording the whole thing. He admits he’s been obsessed with my wife for years. It started the day he met her. My wife and I were dating at the time but he met my wife before he met me. Like I said my wife and sister are long time friends and my sister wanted to introduce her boyfriend to her friends. He thought it was only physical for a while but over time he knew it was more.

My sister nearly kicks him out right there but listens a little more and she eventually asks what made him think that my wife would leave me for him. He answers that there is obviously mutual attraction and he figured it would begin as an affair and then things would progress from there. My wife and sister explode at that point, a lot of cussing, a lot of screaming.

Phone call is over, my wife hangs up because at this point she is concerned for me. She’s shaken and distraught, assures me the attraction was one sided. I never thought it wasn’t. Even if she did find him physically attractive, I know she would never act on it. She’s just not the type.

Early on in our relationship she caught me admiring her as she was dressing, asked if I liked what I saw before her face turned cold and told me never to f#$k up or I’d never see it again. She meant it, she’s serious about trust. Anyway, I knew my brother in law was a little c*cky but my god I never knew he thought that highly of himself to be able to pull off something like this.

I talked to my sister later on and she is contacting the lawyer Monday to see what steps she can take to limit his exposure to her kids. As far as she is concerned he is detached from reality. That’s all I have for now. I’ll update once the dust settles a bit.

The comments kept rolling in.

paulinVA wrote:

My wife and I were talking about this and that’s what we thought. He wanted to start an affair and then go from there. There is no way to recover from asking your sister in law to have an affair if the feeling isn’t mutual. You’ve torched everything. Incredibly high risk gambit with a low success potential. But, he would have done this sooner or later, with or without the kitchen incident.

OP responded:

He had made comments to me many times through the years that my wife was out of my league. I would just laugh and agree, she is. I guess he thought his gamble was not so high risk.

clb1234 wrote:

The fact that he thought there was a chance that your wife was going to leave you for him when it sounds like your marriage is fine shows that he out of touch with reality. Even if she was being flirty that wouldn't indicate she wanted to actually be with him. This behavior is likely a sign of a deeper issue he's dealing with.

I would suggest that however you approach this situation, to do it with a bit of concern and understanding. Remaining calm and framing it to your sister that you are concerned for his mental state and that no actual harm was done is probably the best approach. There's also likely problems in their marriage that you aren't aware of.

Winnertop7186 wrote:

He has become mentally unbalanced. could be dangerous. any fire*rms around his house?

A few days later, OP shared another update.

This is likely to be my final update as I don’t see much more happening after this besides divorce proceedings. Thanks for all the comments, they have helped my wife some with the guilt. Anyway, my brother in law returned home yesterday, not because my sister wants him back but because she can’t legally stop him. They are done, I think he realizes that now.

The lawyer tells my sister that since my brother-in-law's behavior over the past few days has been documented there is a good chance she will be granted full custody. He doesn’t seem to even want to fight her on that. My sister will be fine, any love she had for him is gone and she doesn’t seem to broken up about it.

The kids don’t know what happened yet but my brother-in-law was never around much anyway when the kids were home. He slept at the fire station many nights and put in a lot of overtime. But it is certain to be hard on them once they know what’s gong to happen. Many commenters have said that there must be more women, but as far as we can tell there hasn’t been. It’s really just the obsession with my wife.

She has blocked his phone but on the same night he returned home he sends my wife an email from account he just made. It started with an apology but then took a turn. He said he never got to finish at the restaurant that day. Then he went on for paragraphs and paragraphs about all the things he loves about my wife and the desperation he felt that lead him to do what he did.

He mentioned their mutual attraction again and the s#xual tension that he always felt was between them. And ended with a rather large section about me. Let’s just say I didn’t know he had such a low opinion of me. He was quite certain that I was not satisfying my wife properly.

We sent the email to my sister and it will go to the lawyer. It might be enough to get him removed from the house. Finally my wife isn’t great but she is doing better every day. She does blame herself for being too comfortable around my brother-in-law. She is always careful to set boundaries with other men. In case you haven’t figured it out already, my wife is pretty stunning and gets a lot of male attention.

But with my brother-in-law she felt safe to be herself since he was family, surely no lines would be crossed. She and my sister are cool and there doesn’t appear to be any resentment so that makes me happy. We will all be okay it will just take time. Thanks to all who commented and voiced their support.

The internet was happy to hear things were (mostly) resolved.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

What a bomb that he threw in to blow everything up. Please take steps to secure your home and car. Recommend a restraining order so he can’t come around ‘trying’ to explain or convince or apologize to your wife. Hoping your sister can do what needs to be done and can move on to a better life

OP responded:

I don’t think my brother-in-law is dangerous, just conceited. The guy was quite the ladies man before getting married and still got plenty of attention even after. His ego is bruised. But I do have cameras and an alarm.

PH1226 wrote:

Thank you for sharing this sad story, it has been helpful for me. My wife has been "casually" pursued by a married member of my club and she is usually too surprised and modest to assume what he's after. When he first started, my wife thought it was just harmless banter, but I didn't and told her I didn't think so.

As it continued, she finally realized I was right, so when I had to tell him to knock it off, she was relieved. It took three incidents for him to finally get the message.

OP responded:

My wife is mad at herself because she is usually so careful. She’s had so many incidents when she was younger with guys she was friendly to that ended up making unwanted advances.

[deleted] wrote:

Thank you for sharing this sad story, it has been helpful for me. My wife has been "casually" pursued by a married member of my club and she is usually too surprised and modest to assume what he's after. When he first started, my wife thought it was just harmless banter, but I didn't and told her I didn't think so.

As it continued, she finally realized I was right, so when I had to tell him to knock it off, she was relieved. It took three incidents for him to finally get the message.

OP responded:

My wife is mad at herself because she is usually so careful. She’s had so many incidents when she was younger with guys she was friendly to that ended up making unwanted advances.

[deleted] responded:

Based on my experience and your detailed description (good writing, btw), it immediately conveyed the impression that your wife was by no means whatsoever responsible. So many men are total pigs, we can't even imagine the kind of crap women have to deal with.

GuidanceSpecific4408 wrote:

What a lovely family you guys have. Your sister sounds amazing and fully understanding as well as confident, your wife sounds like an absolute sweetheart and shouldn’t put blame on herself, and you dealt with this situation as best as you could, even trying to find understanding in that man’s thought process for a bit.

Looks like you’re getting the tumor out of your family you guys didn’t even know was a tumor in the first place. I wish nothing but healing for all of you, while he rots.

This was truly a wild ride, from top to bottom.