'AITA for not funding my 35 year old brother's 'artistic' lifestyle and struggle?' UPDATED x2

"AITA for telling my brother José he should stop expecting me to financially support him"

Your_Girlfriend11 writes:

So, here's the situation: I (28F) have a brother, José (35M), who's been living off part-time gigs, handouts from family, and whatever he can scrape together for as long as I can remember.

A few months ago, he asked me for a pretty large sum of money to "help him out" because he's "in between jobs," even though this isn't the first time. He said he was going to use it to pay rent for the month, but I found out he had actually spent it on a concert ticket for himself and his friends.

I got really frustrated because, at his age, I feel like he should be more responsible, especially considering that he has been given multiple chances to stabilize his life. I told him that it wasn't fair to keep asking family for money when he's not even trying to find a steady job.

I even suggested he start looking into getting some proper work, even if it’s not ideal, and stop relying on "getting by" with gigs and temporary stuff. He got really upset and accused me of not understanding his "creative lifestyle" and said that I’m "too caught up in conventionality."

He also said that I was selfish for not supporting him in his "struggle" because, apparently, everyone else in the family has been helping him. Now he’s not speaking to me, and I feel guilty, but at the same time, I’m kind of at my limit with him not making any real effort. So, AITAH for telling José to stop expecting me to support him?

OP posted an update a day later:

Okay, I need to share something wild. So, after I posted yesterday, I wasn’t expecting the response I got. But here’s the plot twist: my brother José showed up at my place this morning. He wasn’t just upset, he was furious. And, honestly, the conversation was even worse than I expected.

He told me, straight to my face, that I was "ruining his life" and that I was "no better than the rest of the family who enables him." He went on and on about how I’ve never understood his "struggle" as a creative person and how it’s unfair that I "don’t support him in the way he needs." He also accused me of "being a robot in a capitalist world" and said I was too obsessed with "normal life" to appreciate what it’s like to live with passion.

Here’s the kicker: he actually had the nerve to say that I was "selfish" for expecting him to be responsible because, apparently, “that’s not how artists work." He then dropped the bomb that he’s been living like this for years because he’s “not meant to conform to the system” and that I should “learn to let go of the idea that everyone should be stable.”

This was a whole new level of denial. He genuinely thinks the family is supposed to fund his "lifestyle" because it’s his "artistic journey." I’m honestly in shock. I get that he wants to live differently, but at what point is he just refusing to grow up?

How is it my problem that he refuses to even try to get a stable job, especially when he’s wasted so many chances? I mean, he literally asked me for money and then blew it on a concert! How is that anything but manipulation?

I finally told him that he needs to figure out his own life because I’m done being his safety net. It’s one thing to help out occasionally, but this has become a pattern, and I’m not his personal ATM. The worst part? He tried to guilt-trip me into feeling bad for not helping, as if I owe him because "the family always does."

I don’t know if he’s ever going to see my point of view. Honestly, I think he’s too far gone. But one thing’s for sure: I won’t be manipulated into continuing to support this cycle. He needs to wake up and face reality. I do feel bad that our relationship is strained, but I’m not going to apologize for demanding accountability.

So, to wrap this up, I’m still standing by what I said. I have every right to expect him to get his act together. He needs to take responsibility for his own life, and the rest of the family can’t keep enabling him. If he’s mad at me for setting boundaries, so be it. I refuse to be part of the problem anymore.

OP posted another update two days later.

After my last post, I thought things might calm down, that he’d reflect on what happened and take some time to cool off. I figured he’d be mad for a bit but then move on with his life, maybe even mature a little. I was wrong.

Today, he showed up at my door again, but this time, it was different. He was completely unhinged, angrier than I’ve ever seen him. And he said, straight to my face, "You killed me inside. I’d rather you shot me than do this. You’ve destroyed me."

I was honestly stunned. I tried to stay calm and asked him what he meant by that. He looked me dead in the eyes and said that he "didn't need a sister like me" anymore because I was too selfish to understand the sacrifices and suffering that come with living an artistic life. He kept going, saying that I "couldn’t be counted on for anything" and that from now on, he would live freely without the ties to a "prison-like mentality" like mine.

And then, in the most dramatic tone possible, he said "goodbye" and walked out, not waiting for me to respond. Like it was the end of an era. I felt like I’d just watched a tragic movie where the hero finally breaks free from a burden. Except in this case, the "burden" was him. And he, in all his drama, genuinely believes I’m the villain of the story.

But honestly, the craziest part came with the last message he sent me after he left. "If you won’t help me anymore, I will never reach out to you again. You’re the reason for our disconnect. Goodbye." And then, he blocked me on social media. As if this is some sort of power play or emotional manipulation. He genuinely thinks I’m going to regret this.

What I’m realizing now, more than ever, is that he’s so lost in his illusion that “the artistic world is beautiful because it’s painful” that he can’t see he’s just spiraling into irresponsibility. And now, he’s trying to drag me down with him. But guess what? I’m not falling for it.

So, to finally put this to rest, no, I’m not the villain here. He needs a reality check. I’ve tried to be the sister he needed, but he only wants to be supported. He refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions. I am not to blame for him staying stuck in this endless cycle of self-sabotage, and I am not the one responsible for saving him.

The future is his now. And as for my part in this story, it’s done. He’ll learn the hard way or he won’t, but I am no longer the girl who’s going to bankroll this failure. The worst part? In the end, he thinks he’s "destroying" me with his cut-off, but in reality, he’s setting me free. I have peace of mind. If he wants to blame me, so be it. I’m out of this circus.

Here are the top rated comments.

MiserableFloor9906 writes:

YTA for enabling his lazy butt, and not writing him off sooner. You lack the self esteem to clearly recognize you're being used. F%#k him, he deserves no contact for at least a decade.

canvasshoes2 says:

NTA. You understand his "creative lifestyle" better than he does and you're not willing to fund it. He can live his "creative lifestyle" all he wants... on his own dime. You know he's not going to stop this unless forced to stop it. Friends and family giving him money is not helping him, it's hindering him. He can never grow all the way up and learn to fly on his own with such a huge safety net beneath him. Cut him off, cold.

Gwen3109 says:

NTA. Stop giving him money, you enable him. Choosing to spent rent money in concert ticket would be the last straw for me. Don’t give in.

OP responded:

That really was the turning point for me too.

What do you think?