'AITA for telling my brother he can’t raise his baby in my home?'
"AITA for telling my brother he can’t raise his baby in my home?"
I (34F) have always been clear about my decision not to have children. I love my life as it is, quiet, organized, and free of the responsibilities that come with parenting. I own a decent home, and I have been very particular about maintaining a calm, adult-friendly environment.
My brother (30M) and his husband (32M) recently adopted a baby, which is great news for them, but it’s where the issue starts. They live in a small apartment and asked if they could move in with me for about a year while they save up to buy a bigger place.
They said it would be a huge help for them financially, and they assumed I’d be supportive because we’re close. But I don’t want a baby in my house. I have worked hard to build a child-free life that I am happy with, and having a baby here would completely disrupt that.
When they asked, I told them no, explaining that I don’t want the noise, mess, or disruption of a baby in my home. I suggested they look into other options, like moving to a more affordable apartment or seeking help from his husband’s family, who live in the same city. My brother was shocked and said I was being selfish and that family should help each other out, especially in times of need.
Now my parents are involved, and they think I’m being unreasonable and cold-hearted. They say that this is a critical time for my brother and that I should be more supportive. My brother hasn’t spoken to me since I turned them down, and I’m being painted as the villain of the family.
I’m sticking to my decision because I know I wouldn’t be happy with a baby in the house, but now I’m wondering if I’m being too rigid. AITA for refusing to let my brother and his husband raise their baby in my home?
OP offered this explaination for why they might be the AH:
I believe I might be the AH because I refused to let my brother and his husband move into my house with their adopted baby, knowing that it would help them financially and give them a stable environment during a critical time.
My decision could be seen as selfish, especially since it involves close family members who need support. My actions might have hurt them by making them feel unsupported and abandoned by someone they thought they could rely on. I don't think its unreasonable for me to keep my space baby free.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
YTA. I get that you’ve worked hard to create a child-free space, but this is your brother and his new baby we’re talking about. They’re not asking to move in forever, just for a year to get on their feet. Family should be there for each other during tough times, and you’re choosing your personal comfort over helping them when they really need it.
You could’ve made some compromises, like setting boundaries or helping them look for other solutions. Instead, you’ve left them to struggle on their own, which is pretty cold-hearted.
StillConcentrate9136 OP responded:
I do feel guilty about not helping them, especially since they’re family and I know how much this would mean to them. But at the same time, I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I’m not constantly putting others before myself, and that’s been such a hard journey for me.
I’m really struggling with balancing my own needs with theirs. Maybe I could have handled this differently, but I just didn’t want to lose the peace I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
YTA. My god. No you’re not obligated to say yes but what ever happened to being family and helping one another?
StillConcentrate9136 OP responded:
It’s about trying to protect the life I’ve finally been able to build for myself. I’ve spent so many years putting others first, and this time I wanted to prioritize my own well-being. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about my brother and his husband. I’m just struggling with how to balance supporting them and taking care of myself.
NTA - your brother is trying to steamroll you into taking over your home. Just like you respect his decision to adopt and raise a child, he needs to respect your known life decision to be child-free.
Your parents or any other family that want you to house them can offer up their homes! There will be all sorts of excuse but throw their words back at them - that they are being cold, selfish and they ought to be more supportive during your brother's time in need.
Your brother and his husband are behaving very entitled - they want a dream family situation but have not built that up for themselves. Why adopt if you cannot provide for a child? That is extremely self-centred and not a good start to the child's life.
OP, you are good, it is your family that sucks. You being child-free, and therefore being able to manage your outgoings well enough to save up for a home, does not make you a cash cow that they can make demands of. You put in the effort, you made the decisions, you put in the planning and time, you made sacrifices to get to this stage of your life.
Tell your family to do better and stop projecting their failures onto you. Wish the child well but be firm that this mess is nothing to do with you, it is all about their selfishness creating this situation. Good luck OP, I know that sometimes being child-free makes others think that they are owed what you have, because you will not be passing it on to the next generation. 🙄
NTA, and WTF? I'm sorry, but shouldn't they have figured out the logistics of where they were going to put and raise a baby BEFORE they brought in a baby? I mean, not for nothing, but it's two guys, so it's not like one of them accidentally got pregnant ( assuming because you didn't mention one being ftm ) and it's an oopsie baby.
They PLANNED this, they should have planned better. It is not up to you to provide them with anything, much less your house.