'My brother’s fiancé has cut off our whole family. I don’t know what to do anymore.' UPDATED

"My brother’s fiancé has cut off our whole family, and I don’t know what to do anymore?"

My younger brother and I were super close growing up, but we've drifted over the years. He's always been outgoing and well-liked, though also stubborn and firm in his beliefs. He started dating his now-fiancée, Ursula, in 2016 when they were 15 and 16. They're now engaged and have a 2-year-old son.

Ursula has always been polite but distant with our family. During C#$ID, she moved into my parents’ home, and shortly after, became pregnant. They didn’t pay rent while living there and used two of my parents’ cars. When their baby was six months old, they moved in with her family, where they now help care for her younger siblings and support the household.

After they moved, Ursula claimed my mom was verbally and emotionally ab-sive. My mom is blunt and not the most tactful, but she’s not someone who goes out of her way to be cruel. Some of Ursula’s “examples” include my mom saying the baby looked like my brother (which she took as an insult?), or suggesting Ursula consider staying home with the baby while my brother provided financially.

My mom later followed up, just asking what her long-term plans were — not to judge, but to stay informed. Ursula took that as criticism too. Before the baby’s first birthday, Ursula confronted my mom, explaining how hurt she’d felt. My mom apologized and tried to clarify, but Ursula told others the apology was insincere and that my mom was gaslighting her by framing Ursula as the problem.

Then for the baby’s first birthday, Ursula didn’t invite our parents or tell anyone in our family when or where it was — until the day of, when it rained and they asked if they could have it at my parents’ house. My parents agreed, pulled it together last minute, and hosted all of Ursula’s extended family — while ours was mostly excluded.

For the following year, they skipped every family holiday and get-together, always citing illness or emergencies. They would sometimes visit my parents’ home only when they knew no one else would be there. My husband and I have two kids close in age to my nephew. We planned a wedding in December 2024 after four years of marriage.

In the lead-up, I tried reaching out to my brother to reconnect, especially for the holidays and his son’s second birthday. He brushed me off and said I should make plans with Ursula. The thing is — she had messaged me and my mom a couple months before, and we both responded with possible dates.

She deleted our replies and told my brother we never answered. When I showed my brother the proof, he seemed surprised and said he’d talk to her. But right before our rehearsal dinner, she sent me a long message claiming she hadn’t gotten our texts and rehashing all the old accusations against my mom.

I told her I was busy with the wedding and we could talk later.

She didn’t show up to the rehearsal dinner and the next day, she came to the bridal suite only to get her hair done (with my brother supervising), barely said anything, and didn’t stay to get ready with us.

They were late to the ceremony. Their son wore red Crocs and a dirty shirt. They left the reception early and later accused me and my husband of ignoring her, and claimed the whole family gave her the cold shoulder — at a wedding of 100+ people.

Two days later, they had a birthday party for their son but didn’t invite any of our family. Ursula sent a copy-paste version of her message to my older sister, again listing all the past accusations. My sister responded calmly and factually, disproving many of her claims (including that my mom and Ursula had hugged and chatted at the reception).

Every time my sister made a valid point, Ursula deflected, changed the topic, and eventually just blocked her. The next day, she sent a similar message to me on Christmas. I responded with kindness, saying we loved her and wanted to reconnect. I asked that we stop excluding my parents.

She doubled down, said she’s never been accepted by our family, and said she regretted ever entering our lives. I reminded her that she and my mom had already talked things out over a year ago — and haven’t interacted since. But she kept saying my mom wasn’t sincere. She then sent a final long message to my mom, accusing her of spreading lies and rumors.

For context: my mom has made no effort to talk about or even mention Ursula since their last conversation. After that, Ursula blocked all of us on social media, left our family group chat, and had my brother leave too. I’ve created new chats and tried texting my brother — he doesn’t respond. We haven’t seen them since the wedding.

My family visits every other month and I always try to reach out when we’re in town. Nothing. No response. No effort.

I want to understand what is going on and how to move forward. I love my brother and want to be part of my nephew’s life.

I don’t hate Ursula, and I’ve never been unkind to her. But everything is always twisted into an attack, and I feel stuck. I’m at a loss. Also worth noting: all of Ursula’s complaints and confrontations happen only through long text messages. She has never once brought up any of this in person. In real life, she’s always quiet and reserved.

The internet shared their thoughts.

[deleted] wrote:

She creates drama but won't actually talk face-to-face where her claims could be challenged in real time. This is textbook controlling behavior and I'm worried for him.

MockingBird82 wrote:

Send your brother an email and tell him that you will be there for him when he's ready to reconnect. And stop trying with Ursula. Do not entertain her nonsense anymore when she rehashes her imagined grievances against your mom. Leave the ball in your brother's court and let him know that you are no longer going through her because she is unreasonable and he is your brother.

I know it's painful, but focus on everyone else and live your lives. If he hasn't blocked you all on social media, he'll see that you all can get along without him and his oversensitive, controlling weasel of a wife. Maybe he'll even miss you.

nursepenguin36 wrote:

It honestly sounds like she is intentionally trying to cut your family out, and your brother doesn’t have the spine to stand up to her. Might be time to take a step back and leave the ball in his court. You’ve already bent over backwards trying to maintain a relationship with her while she has systematically undermined the relationship between them and your family.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Update (after talking to my siblings): So, quick backstory: I’ve mentioned my sister before the one who got blocked after trying to help sort out some family drama. Let’s call her Beth. She ended up having a conversation with my brother (Joseph) and Ursula (another family member involved in all of this). Beth didn’t know Ursula was going to be there, so she waited until she walked into the room.

When she did, Beth greeted her with a simple “Hi,” and Ursula immediately snapped back with, “I don’t want to talk to you, and you shouldn’t be here.” Beth pushed back, saying she had every right to be there since she was given a key. Then Ursula threw out two accusations one from eight years ago (yes, really) and another that’s already been proven false.

Here’s the wild part: both Joseph and Ursula KNOW that second accusation is complete BS. It’s been debunked, and Beth had nothing to do with it. But Ursula still tried to spin it as if, somehow, it would make sense that the lie came from Beth even though it’s been fully cleared up. Total mental gymnastics.

The convo obviously went nowhere, and Beth left. A few hours later, Ursula started messaging Beth, saying she wasn’t being genuine and didn’t apologize. Beth didn’t engage, especially since she only showed up to try to clear the air and move forward. But Ursula just kept blowing up her phone, demanding an apology over and over again.

Later that night, Joseph talked to our other brother let’s call him Brian and told him that both he and Ursula felt “cornered” by Beth showing up unannounced. During their convo, it became clear that Joseph was seriously exaggerating what went down. He claimed Ursula was “attacked” and “belittled,” and also said he explained to Beth why she needed to apologize.

Except…he didn’t. Brian asked more questions and realized Joseph never actually told Beth why she was supposedly in the wrong just gave a vague recap of past events.

So now all of this is being relayed back to Beth so she can decide what to do next.

Ursula’s still expecting an apology for how she felt treated back in December. And look I get that people are allowed to feel what they feel. But if there is going to be an apology, it should come from a place of honesty and personal reflection not guilt tripping or emotional manipulation just to glue the family back together.

The commenters kept sharing their hot takes on the scenario.

[deleted] wrote:

Let it go. Let your brother know you’re there if he chooses to reach out and then stop. Don’t contact them. Don’t try to mediate or intervene. Your brother is a grown a$% man and he’s chosen to support his partner. So let him go until he grows up and reaches out.

OP responded:

I came to the internet because the siblings are split on how to handle this. I would like to go the route of holiday and important event messages while Beth would like to cut them off entirely especially after Ursula trying to force an apology from her.

Joseph and Brian were in regular contact as Brian isn’t trying to ruffle any feathers to stay close enough to our nephew. We all just wanted a little insight to see how much longer we’d have to endure the distance.

Rara-readysetgo wrote:

Just stop. Stop trying to be cool with people who clearly don’t respect you guys. It looks like y’all are begging for a relationship that’s dead in the water. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. Your brother is lying to cover for his fiancée, and you’re still trying to make it work with him?

Let it go. Block them, go no contact, change your number whatever it takes. Stop giving energy to people who keep showing you they don’t care.

AccomplishedChart873 wrote:

Your brother is choosing the life he wants to lead. Now you get to choose how you want to live your life. Is it living in a state of drama with the lead actress writing the script as she goes along? Or is it in peace, where you decide your own story?

MamaFrijoles wrote:

Honestly, brother is actively ignoring the red flags at this point. He has had multiple instances of being shown Ursula was lying, then doubling down after talking to her. I’d be half tempted to send a text summarizing that Ursula is a proven liar, and the family is tired of putting up with both of their BS.

How will he feel when she starts lying about him abusing their kid and his family isn’t there to pick up the pieces? He is soon going to be stuck all alone realizing that his family is right, but he will only realize it when she successfully separates him from his family and starts ab#$ing him exclusively.