'AITA for telling my dad he can't try to spend time with me now that he knows I'm dying.'
"AITA for telling my dad he can't try to spend time with me now after he knows I'm dying"
Ok-Problem-6186 writes:
I'm a 19-year-old guy. My mom and dad divorced when I was 8 years old, after my older sister, my only sibling, died in a car accident. They both fell into deep depression, and my dad couldn't handle it. He attempted to take his own life, and as part of his grief, he divorced my mom and left to travel the world with his best friend from college.
I still don’t know if they were dating or not, and at some point, I just stopped caring. I don’t know if it was a form of grieving or just an escape from his marriage and responsibilities. Since then, it’s just been me and my mom.
My dad didn’t cut all contact with me. He called and sent messages every now and then. I guess he tried, but I’m still so angry with him. Why couldn’t he just stay? I understand that divorce happens, but why did I have to stop seeing him just two years after losing my sister? He just disappeared. He visits town maybe once every seven months, and that’s basically the extent of our relationship.
A few months ago, I found out I have cancer. It’s not late-stage, and the doctors say there’s a high chance I’ll beat it. But I don’t know if they’re just saying that because they have to. My mom cries every night, which only makes me feel worse. I feel like it’s my fault, even though I know it’s not. I’m getting treatment, and my mom and my friends are always with me.
Two weeks ago, out of nowhere, my dad called my mom. It was around 2 a.m., and I could hear him yelling and crying, asking why she hadn’t told him that his only son has cancer. She had tried to reach out to him, but I guess he was too busy with his friend or just ignoring her. He screamed like a maniac, accusing her of hiding this from him for months. He said if she really wanted him to know, he would have known.
After that, he came to my city and started calling me every day, asking to spend time together. He wanted to come with me to the hospital, which I completely refused. The last time we talked was two days ago. I told him he can’t just try to show up now that he knows I’m dying. I told him to go back to his life.
Now everyone in my family is calling me an a^#%ole. They say my dad always tried to be there for me and that he had his own life too. They keep telling me how mentally fragile he is, now that he knows his only child has cancer. But I’m the one with cancer. I’m the one who has to fight to stay alive. Why should I have to take care of other people’s feelings right now?
I’m angry. I’m also angry at myself because, deep down, I always wished I had a better relationship with him. His best friend even called me and said I was too harsh. He told me my dad never stopped thinking about me and followed my life through social media.
And now I’m scared he might hurt himself for real this time. He’s still my dad, and I do still love him. The last thing I want is for anyone to blame themselves for how they treated me if I die. So, AITA?
OP had some responses to their post.
GreekAmericanDom says:
NTA. Your dad sure is. He abandoned you. He doesn't get to waltz back into your life as if none of that happened and expect to be a part of it again.
Turnout57 says:
NTA. This one hits hard for me; I was just commenting on another post a couple days ago how I wish I would have never told my family about my cancer when I was younger. They took it way harder than I, and I found myself being more of a therapist for them than focusing on my own healing. So, so sorry your fam is making this already difficult thing more difficult.
OP responded:
I feel like there not trying to make this about themselves but they are doing this somehow , like yes i knew how it's so hard to feel you can lose someone you live but I'M the one who can actually lose my life , i feel so selfish thinking about this but literally everyone making me feel like i should consider their feelings over mine.
Spare_Ad5009 says:
Text your father and tell him, "I need comforting. If you just want to demand things of me or make me make you feel good, don't visit, but if you can come and talk to me about when I was little and things that are uplifting, I'd love that." You then might be able to build a relationship, but on your terms.