'My dad is upset I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle. My brother raised me.' UPDATED
Weddings have a way of bringing up really big family feelings, and stoking whatever tensions or pain is already there.
"My dad is upset I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle."
So I (27f) am arranging my wedding with my fiancé.
But first, let me give you my life story.
When I was little, both of my parents were alc*holics. I lived in a very unsafe and unpleasant home until one night the police were called and CPS took me out of the house. But, my wonderful older brother came to my rescue and took full custody of me. He was my protector and care giver and worked his a*s off to provide for me and afford therapy for me.
I have very precious memories of snuggling him at night when my anxiety was acting up and he was reading parenting books in his free time and just overall a fantastic parent. I love him very much and he’s a very special person. When I was 14, my parents were allowed to enter my life again and were very apologetic and made an effort to be part of my life.
In their defense, they’ve been trying and have been genuine. My fiance and I were talking about who would walk me down the aisle, and I told him I wanted my older brother to walk me down the aisle. I asked my older brother and he was honored and actually got a little emotional from how touched he was.
Then recently, my dad asked me if I wanted him to walk me down the aisle and I told him my brother was going to do it. He was taken aback and asked why, and then we got into a little bit of a scuffle and he seemed pretty upset and hurt I chose my brother. Was I wrong for choosing my brother?
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
NatashOverWorld wrote:
The man who took care of you and raised you was your brother. Forgiving your parents does not mean the past changed.
NTA.
Potatowithflippers wrote:
Dad has a lot of balls to be upset over this. Your father chose alcohol over his very young daughter who, were it not for her amazing brother, would have been placed into a terribly unpredictable foster care system.
Of course your brother will walk you down the aisle! He raised you! Dad needs to know his place and accept his role as guest at your wedding. He’s lucky to have even that honor after what you went through. NTA!
Kattiara wrote:
NTA. they should be kissing your brothers feet for stepping up the way he did. HE helped you become the person you are today. HE went above and beyond. Yes your parents made the effort when you were older but he was there when you needed him. Please don't change your mind, your brother deserves the honor.
OP responded:
My parents have a complicated relationship with my brother. For one, they are thankful I had someone to take care of me but they also seem jealous that he got to be that person for me.
Business-Sea2884 wrote:
If they have a problem with that they should've been the people to be there for you instead of drinking so much they lost you to CPS.
OP responded:
This guy gets it.
hyrule_47 wrote:
Honestly this is exactly what I would text to dad. “I understand you are hurt that you don’t get to walk me down the aisle. You feel let down. However I don’t think this compares to how you let me down by failing me so much that the government had to take custody of me. You chose alc*hol over me. He never put anything over me. You made your choice, now I’m making mine.”
OP responded:
Yeah that’s fair. I try to be compassionate to people with add*ction struggles but not when they’re an a*s about it.
DawnShakhar wrote:
No, you were not wrong. Walking you down the aisle is an honor that should be given to the person who raised you. In your case it is your brother. So he gets the honor. I assume you are inviting your parents to the wedding, and that is enough. If you feel you want to do more, give them an additional role to mark their relationship with you - like standing at the entrance welcoming the guests.
OP responded:
Yeah that’s what I was thinking.
Huntressm00n wrote:
Babes. Seriously. It wouldn't matter if you wanted Barney the purple dinosaur walking you down the aisle. It is YOUR choice to make. You don't have to explain or justify it. It's your choice, end of.
NTA.
distraactor wrote:
This!!! Absolutely this!
And I admire your brother.
OP responded:
Me too. He broke up with a girlfriend to spend his full time raising me…he doesn’t know I know this but that’s for another day, haha.
No_Fee_161 wrote:
And I'm sure he doesn't regret that because he provided you a home and he's a great father!
OP responded:
Yeah, I know she stayed around in his life as a friend but they both were at peace about it. Also, he’s married and has a son right now (my nephew!) so it all worked out. He’s genuinely the nicest and most lovely person I’ve ever known and deserves nothing but the best :)
jskm79 wrote:
Not the AH and you need to see that if he’s going to give you a hard time, he hasn’t really changed. He didn’t raise you. The job he did do wasn’t dad quality at best it was uncle quality, so why does he think or assume he can have dad privilege? Stop seeing him as a father and see him as he is a sperm donor, uncle.
OP responded:
I’d say he’s done a decent job of being a father for a grown up kid. He has given me financial advice and helped out with college stuff and admittedly was been really helpful with that.
However, he wasn’t the one who taught me how to ride a bike or embarrassed me by cheering in the front row at my piano recitals or lowkey told me he was proud of me for punching a boy who tried to kiss me in first grade or (as the above post says) snuggled with me when I was having bad nights.
Two weeks later, OP shared an update.
So two weeks ago I made a post about how my biological dad was very upset and hurt I asked my older brother to walk me down the aisle instead of him. So last night he called me and asked if we could talk. I reluctantly said yes, but then he said he wanted me to know he was sorry he reacted that way.
He also said he thinks it’s completely valid that my brother walk me down the aisle considering it is my wedding and he understands my relationship with my brother is different than my relationship with him, and he was out of line for questioning that. Then he said if he hoped I could forgive him and if he was still invited to the wedding, he would feel honored attending as a guest.
I was caught off-guard and wasn’t expecting that, but I told him I forgave him and he was still invited to the wedding and he said that made him happy. We then talked for a little bit about what’s been going on in my life and it was kind of nice since he was clearly putting in an effort. So yeah. Not much to say aside that it’s good he realized he was being an AH and is at least trying to be decent, but it’s still good news.
People were invested in the update.
Scurvy64Dawg wrote:
Sounds like your dad is finally being a dad. I'm guessing your parents were pretty young when they became parents? I know I wished I were older and more mature before becoming a parent, and regret how my foolishness affected my child. Glad to hear ya'll understanding one another.
OP responded:
Yeah, something like that. They were young when they had my older brother but mid to late 30s when they had me.
wolfmaster307 wrote:
Dad was definitely out of line originally, but this new context makes it seem more like it was out of guilt of failing as a parent than of entitlement.
OP responded:
Yeah, seems like he was projecting.
bmyst70 wrote:
I'm very glad to see that the man who gave birth to you is truly willing to try and maybe someday, become more of an actual father to you. And accept the special place your older brother has in your life, that when you needed a father, he stepped up to the plate and did Far Far More than most people would have expected.
OP responded:
I said in a comment on my other post that he broke up with his at the time girlfriend and put his college career on hold to raise me. He has a wife and son (my nephew!) now and finished his degree so it all worked out for him but holy s**t I can’t imagine not having my 20s to myself…
Samarkand457 wrote:
Good on your dad. But be prepared to tell him to sit the fuck down if he tries to snipe your brother's place during the ceremony. I suggest having a very large relative of your fiance sit behind him to whisper what might happen if he doesn't behave. "This is Uncle Arnold. He works in waste management."
This ended surprisingly well, hopefully the wedding goes super smooth.