'AITA for asking my dad why he hates me and loves his step kids more? He banned us from seeing family"
"AITA for asking my dad why his stepkids and my half siblings are more important to him than me and my sister?"
Patient_Anxiety_2253 says:
I (17m) have a complicated blended family history that I should try to explain. Dad and Mom had me and my sister, Kali (15f). Mom died when Kali was 3 and I was 5. Dad was never that close to his family, but Mom was close to hers, and Kali and I were close to them too. Dad was not.
My dad's wife had her oldest (13) before she got married for the first time. With her ex-husband, she had two kids (10 and 9). During her first marriage, she and her husband took in his nieces (12 and 8). Her ex-husband and his whole family got arrested, and her nieces didn't know their father. So she kept them and raised them (with my dad).
She also took custody of her nephew (7) while she and my dad were dating. I could be a little off on the timeline. This stuff happened, but of course, I didn't know her during most of it.
Now they have a 4- and 3-year-old together. And they've been married for 6 years (they only dated for 14 or 15 months, and she started dating Dad while she was in the middle of her divorce).
Of all the kids in our house, my sister and I are the only ones with extended family in our lives: our maternal grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Dad's parents didn't want anything to do with kids that weren't blood, so Dad finally stopped all contact with his family, though his family never cared much for Kali or me either.
His wife's parents are dead, and her brother isn't around for his son, and the mother of his son and her family aren't involved. Her ex-husband's family are all still in prison, and the father of his nieces is still unknown.
My maternal family doesn't want to be involved in the others, just Kali and me. This annoys my dad, and it annoys his wife, and the kids get upset because they want to have more people too. They want to go to BBQs and grandparent sleepovers and cousin sleepovers. But just Kali and I get that. It's become such a huge deal that my dad and his wife tried to tell Kali and me we couldn't see our family as much.
They tried to take advantage of COVID by making us all do family things together in the hope we wouldn't tolerate the other kids being excluded if we loved them more than we loved our maternal side. It didn't work.
Dad told Kali and me recently he was putting his foot down and we were not to talk to our family anymore. He said they were a bad influence and taught us to close off our hearts to our family. He said he never should have let things continue this long. He said it wasn't fair to the other kids and what they're going through.
I asked him why his stepkids and his younger bio kids are more important to him than Kali and me, and why their happiness and their wants are more important. Dad told me I wasn't being logical or fair to him. I told him we didn't owe them cutting off our family for them.
I told him he should be putting us first too. That we're still his, and we don't have another parent to advocate for us. He told me I should show more compassion and love for my siblings, not just Kali. AITA?
Here are the top comments:
g00dboygus says:
NTA. Your dad is encouraging you to destroy the last remaining link you have to your mother just to appease his new wife and the other kids and that’s not fair. Your mom’s side are the people who can tell you about her in ways that your dad can’t (and probably wouldn’t anyway, from the sound of it) and give you a sense of history.
I imagine it would be heartbreaking for them to lose you and Kali after already losing their own daughter.vIt sucks that your step/bio sibs don’t have extended family, but that’s not on you. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Angelic_Lorna says:
NTA. Your dad is being unreasonable and unfair. It's understandable that he wants a united family, but he can't force you to prioritize his other children over your own grandparents and extended family. You and your sister have a right to maintain your relationships with your mother's side of the family, and it's not your responsibility to compensate for the other kids' lack of extended family.
Otherwise_Degree_729 says:
NTA. I don’t know were you live. But soon you will be 18 and your sister 16. Talk to your maternal family and see if they are willing to take you in. Legally they won’t have any say for you once you’re 18 years old and your sister will be able to have her say in court if necessary. I think I lost count but your like 10 kids? I don’t think he can do much legally of it goes to court for your sister. I wouldn’t suggest leaving her there alone for two more years.
ParsimoniousSalad says:
NTA. That's ridiculous to try to keep you from your extended family because others don't have it. How cruel of your father.
What do you think?