'My dad passed recently and I don't want to go to my step mom's place cause I'm still grieving.' UPDATED

"My dad d*ed recently and I (24M) don't want to go to my step mom's place cause I'm still grieving."

My parents got a divorce when I was 6 and I haven't seen my mom since cause she was unsafe, my dad remarried when I was 8. My step mom wasn't unsafe but we never clicked, she tried to be my "new mom" right off the bat and I found it weird and she didn't like how I wasn't open to the idea right away.

She also had a daughter who's 1 year younger than me, we didn't hit it off either. Don't get me wrong she's a totally fine person but as kids she was the typical brat so I guess it made it hard for us to really bond as kids I guess.

Once I hit my teens I had a rough patch of being rebellious and overall not a good person, my dad gave me space like I needed but my step mom didn't see it that way and we fought a lot. My step sister was alright during teen years she got the more quiet and keep to yourself phase so we didn't have really any conflict. But me and my step mom didn't hit it off and once I turned 18 I moved out first chance I got.

I am now 24 and my dad sadly passed away with cancer, a couple months ago. It has been really hard on me and I felt very very thankful my step mom came up and pitched in with the funeral expenses and my step sister gave a little speech too.

Christmas is coming up and I had plans to let it pass cause it reminded me of my dad and I didn't want to go through that. My step sister texted me saying that she and my step mom want me to be there. I said I may show up, but IDK if I want to I am still grieving and she still lives in the same house and its just rough for me cause I don't want to remember him so soon like that.

We used to have a beer together and watch football and I haven't done either since he passed. I want to be there for my step sister and step mom especially since I'm starting to like them both and be grateful but idk if I can bring myself to be in that house again yet.

So my options are either to suck up my grief and show up, or find another day to meet up with them. What is the best way to go about this?

TL;DR: My dad passed and my step mom and sister want me to show up for Christmas but I don't know if I can.

The internet did not hold back.

rumptump wrote:

What you will discover in adulthood is that there are many things you don’t want to do but absolutely should. Yes this hurts you, but they are in pain too. Go spend the holidays with your family, with the people your dad shared in his heart. Maybe not next year, but at least for this year.

OP responded:

IDK its just hard for me, I was thinking about maybe just seeing them the day before Christmas so I don't have to step inside the house but idk if thats me coming off as too needy for them.

rumptump wrote:

I’ll be honest with you, if you literally cannot step into the house then you need to see a therapist. Yes it is painful, but dwelling on this will turn it into an obsession. Just get it over with. Go in there.

This chapter of your life will be over soon, and you will regret acting like a coward when you aren’t the only one who feels pain over this. You can leave whenever you want once you go inside, but dodging things now will create a landslide of future avoidant behaviors.

OP responded:

I see your point, its not that I can't step foot inside the house but I'm pretty sure id just break down and cry and idk I don't feel comfortable doing that in front of anyone. I do think your right that me dodging would be bad.

61celebration3 wrote:

I think you’ll find that being with the other people who are also grieving the most for your dad will be cathartic. It’s hard to open up emotionally but your feelings are totally understandable here and you should share them.

I wouldn’t dog up the deep past about your stepsister used to be a brat or your stepmom came on too strong (as an adult, you probably have better perspective and more sympathy for these things, anyway,) but you are all grieving for someone you love.

OP responded:

Of course not, I only brought that up as a potential reason to why maybe I don't want to go? I appreciate them both dearly for the patience they had with me for how bad I was as a teen. They both could have hated and resented me for how I treated my step mom but they didn't...I am trying to get better at not using "step" too cause they have been in my life since I was 8 we are a family.

anubis_cheerleader wrote:

I think you have the strength to go. I think it's ok to show emotion and grief to them. Worst case, excuse yourself and do deep breathing exercises in the bathroom. You could always make up a plan, too, and say you have an obligation to a friend at x time to give yourself a smaller window of being there.

sacredxsecret wrote:

This is the time to pull together with those who share your grief, not push them away. Certainly, your stepmother and your stepsister are also still hurting. They are showing you that you are their family and they want to spend time with you, especially on a holiday, and especially after losing your father. It's okay to cry. I would hazard a guess that you won't be the only one.

Kasiakaz wrote:

I’m sorry for the loss you experienced. Grief is a b. It sounds like they need you? One thing I learned in life...running away really doesn’t help, sometimes facing that crappy thing up front and personal helps to heal.

A little over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Okay so I went to my step mom's place for Christmas, this was my first time with my step mom and step sister without my dad. It was super hard cause I sat in the seat he always sat on and I just broke down crying. I am forever grateful for both my step sister and step mom cause we all just had a group hug on her couch while I bawled my eyes out.

It ended and we didn't open presents but just talked. We had brunch and it went well tho I was holding in tears for the whole thing, this was the first time I could see they actually do care for me and I care for them.

They are my family, I didn't stay the night cause I def couldn't do that but I left around 11 at night. This was the first time I ever felt like a full family unit and not the bad kid who fought with my step mom was just wasn't the nicest to my step sister.

I thank them so much for not holding a grudge when I went through my teen rebel phase. I hugged them both goodbye and went home, I feel like me giving them a shot and going to my dad's place helped me realize that these are the people who have always been there for me.

I mean they were the ones who didn't give up on me when I was a troubled teen and I love them both for it. I talk with my step sister almost daily now even if its just a good morning text and I call my step mom a bit too now.

Thank you all for the comments and making me realize that I should go and how it would do wonders to make us all closer it helped!

TL;DR: went to my step mom's place for christmas and we all bonded more than I thought.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

dream_walker09 wrote:

Aww I remember this post. I'm glad you went.

thatisnotmyknob wrote:

We did it kids, we didn't make it worse! I'm proud of us.

serina_ll wrote:

Your update had me crying a bit. I am so happy for you that it went well. Have a blessed new year!

Gulliverlived wrote:

What a wise, brave decision that was, I’m so glad you were able to do that and that it turned out to be just the right thing for all of you. Life is full of wonder and opportunity, good for you for seizing it despite your grief—I have a feeling your father would be very proud of you.