'My dad stole my college scholarship money. He threatened to off himself because I was mad.' MAJOR UPDATE

Chronic manipulators love to project guilt back onto whoever is calling them out, it's one of the top moves in the book.

In a popular post on the True Off My Chest subreddit, a college student shared how they discovered their dad was taking their scholarship money. They wrote:

"My dad stole my college scholarship money and threatened to k*ll himself because I was angry. I said go ahead."

For context, I am currently a college freshman. I am on a full ride to my university. Every semester, I get a check sent to my house to pay off my housing costs, which is about $9k. My unemployed father got evicted from my old address because he wasn’t paying rent, so my family started living in a hotel. I was questioning how they were paying for the hotel (considering it was $150 a night).

Turns out, my father used my college check to cash out and pay for the hotel for 2 months. I begged him to pay off my college housing costs for two months straight. He lied to me, telling me that it was attached to some funds, which were hard to get out (very confusing but keep in mind I have absolutely zero financial literacy and my father never went into depth).

I brushed it off, hoping that everything would work for the best. My college housing gave my father a deadline to pay off housing costs (November 1st). I was stressed for two months, unable to eat well, sleep, socialize, etc. If my dad doesn’t pay it off, I may or may not have to drop out. When the deadline hit, I called my dad and asked him why he hadn’t paid off my housing costs.

He finally revealed that he used the check on the hotel we were living in. I was furious and I started interrogating him like a prosecutor. He blamed the family for being responsible for using my college money (not himself) and also blamed me. He lent me allowance money for 2 months, telling me that it was from my relatives when it was actually from my $9k housing check.

I asked him why he would do this and he said that he "didn’t want to stress me out". I cried telling him I worked way too hard in high school for me to drop out. I said that he owed me an apology three times over the phone, but he refused because he thought he had done nothing wrong since he was "providing for the family". I asked him again and he said sorry in a mocking voice.

I told him that he was "full of s**t" and he started saying that he wants to put a g*n to his head and ki*l himself and it will all be on me. This is not the first time he has done that. I told him to do it and I hung up. My mom called me and I informed her about the situation. She told me to apologize to my dad and I told her as psych*tic as I may sound, I have no remorse, especially after what he did.

My mom threatened to disown me but I somehow mended things with them for three weeks. It is currently Thanksgiving break and my father still didn’t pay off my check and he said that he would get money Saturday to pay it off. My mom told me again to apologize to him after he paid my housing costs, and I said I would avoid conflict.

But I think I’m way too stubborn to apologize, especially because I genuinely think I have nothing to be sorry for. My dad never fully apologized and made a joke out of me to the family.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DepressedWizzard wrote:

Who's name was on the cheque? Sounds like fraud to me if your name is on that cheque.

OP responded:

I’m honestly not sure because I never physically saw the check. All I know was that it was mailed to my old address and my neighbor gave the check to my father, who proceeded to cash it out.

Character_Seaweed_99 wrote:

Your father stole your mail and somehow cashed the cheque. That sounds like a federal crime to me. Get an appointment with Student Accounts at your university and explain what happened. Your school may have emergency bursaries or loans that will help out. Either way, ask them to send your mail somewhere safer.

Can you get a post office box affordably? Or ask them to hold the cheque for you to pick it up? Open an account on your own, with neither parent as co-account holder. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

OP responded:

I would love to but there’s also a huge part that I left out regarding this situation. My mother is an illegal immigrant and if my dad goes to jail or gets charged, then she would have to go back to her country. I did threaten my dad with this but my mother said that she would flat out disown me if I did.

I also have little siblings too so I would not like for them to have to take the fall for this. I think I will contact the school and ask them to put the mail somewhere safer, probably my dorm address.

burner_suplex wrote:

Is your dad unemployed because he can't find a job or because he doesn't feel like working? Either way, stealing educational funds from his child isn't "providing for the family." Definitely talk to someone with the school and change where that check is sent. It is on your parents to provide for their family, not on you and definitely not on the school.

OP responded:

He’s been unemployed for over 25 years and it’s basically because he doesn’t want to work. He has been leeching money from other people all my life.

Muzukashii-Kyoki wrote:

If your Dad is legal, but your mom is an illegal immigrant, then they must not be married. Usually, the act of him marrying her would make her a citizen by marriage. So, did they never get married? If he wants to avoid her getting deported, he should marry her. That's on them, not you. Sounds like your Dad ab*ses everyone he is with.

OP responded:

They never got married for some reason. I think it's his way to keep her wrapped around his finger.

Two and a half months later, OP shared an update.

First and foremost, Immediately after this happened, I managed to get a separate debit card without my parents knowing. I don’t have a job now, but I’m looking to get one later on in the semester. I didn’t go to the financial aid center because my dad somehow managed to pay me back (I’m going under the assumption that it’s through my grandmother’s social security checks).

Last December, after weeks of calling my father to make up for my scholarship money and pay me back, he finally sent me a check for $9k. The check came in my dorm mail around midnight. I was asleep by then and my dad was spam calling my phone to tell me it was in the mail.

I didn’t call him back until 1 in the afternoon because I had an exam that day. He started cursing at me, telling me how he couldn’t sleep all night because I didn’t answer my phone. I talked back and said, "The stress you put me through for 3 months by lying about my scholarship check is nothing compared to the stress you went through for a day."

He started insulting me in every way possible telling me that I was spoiled. I swore back saying "Are you f***ing serious" and he hung up.

Moments later, my dad made my mom call me because he didn’t want to argue with me.

She screamed at me saying that I should always have respect for him as a father and that I should apologize for swearing. I said that yes, I did swear at him, but he did too, calling me bunch of slurs and whatnot. She also accused me of purposely ignoring them when I made it clear several times that I was asleep and I had an exam at 9 in the morning, hence not calling them at midnight.

I told her that we shouldn’t even have this talk because he was clearly in the wrong in this entire situation and every other kid would’ve gone to the financial aid center and my dad would’ve gotten in trouble. My mom misunderstood me for saying that I was going to report my dad. She had a mental breakdown and hung up.

Moments later, my dad called and told me to go ahead and report him because I would be going to j@il instead of him because he sent me some of the money from the check (which is bulls**t). I called him out on his bulls**t and he said that he was permanently severing ties so I could learn my lesson. He hung up.

I didn’t call them for a week until I realized that I didn’t have a place to stay for winter break (my dorm closed). I swallowed my pride and called them back to apologize. They said they’ll accept me back to the family. This honestly still keeps me up at night but I literally didn’t have a choice but to stay with them over break.

Over break, they’ve noticed that I’m way more cold and distant towards them and they still wonder why. Luckily, I got the $9k check from my university to pay for this semester’s housing fees. The best thing that came out of this is that I ended up reconnecting with my estranged sister (F25).

Long story short, my father financially ab*sed my sister for years, maxing out her credit cards and leaving her $20k in debt. They cut all ties a year ago after my sister started dating a guy they didn’t approve of. When I was on good terms with them, they painted her as the bad guy, telling me that she betrayed them by choosing her boyfriend over the entire family.

I also didn’t know that my dad financially ab*sed her. Turns out she was in the same situation I was in and ended up dropping out because my dad didn’t let her take out a student loan. I talked to my sister and she said that she was honestly glad that she severed ties with them because she’s finally financially independent, even if she’s not financially stable.

We’re closer than ever and I probably consider her as a shoulder to lean on. Mentally, I’m really not doing well. I’m generally stoic but this is taking a hard emotional toll on me because my family was my world. Before college, I always knew my father was insane, but my mother was my ride-or-die.

I told her everything, I helped her through her marital problems, she told me everything, and the fact that she chose my ab*sive, unemployed father (the man that she always talked about wanting to divorce) over her daughter is heartbreaking. She still expects me to be her armchair therapist and she told me she wants me to act like how I did before.

I told her over break that no matter what she does, she will never mend back the trust I had for her then. And my father, despite his flaws, I never expected him to use my check. He put such a huge emphasis on education and told me he wanted me to have the life he never had.

And knowing he would sacrifice my education just so he could live in a fancy $150 hotel is very disheartening. Recently, I’ve been very isolated (I still talk to a few people), my grades are falling, and I haven’t been eating or sleeping well.

Maybe this situation should be a wake-up call for me, but I’ve come to the point where I’m completely apathetic about everything. I refrain from dr*gs thankfully, but even so, I feel like my life is on autopilot.

People were fully in OP's corner.

Old-Afternoon2459 wrote:

Lock your credit. Get a PO Box. Make sure you have your legal documents.

OP responded:

If my dad gives me my legal documents💀

me0mio wrote:

he best thing you can do for yourself is to complete your education. Stay focused on school and strive to do your best. Make friends and maintain contact with your sister. Also, seek out counseling at your school. They can help you deal with your family issues. Good luck.

MayorCharlesCoulon wrote:

Distance yourself from them. Keep it casual and low key if you can, they sound like drama queens who thrive on all the upheaval. Don’t act mad but don’t be available. See if your sister will let you change your legal address to hers so all your checks and financial information goes to her. Or use your college address but cut your parents off from all access.

Last, try to find some clubs and activities at college to take your mind off all this. Get yourself out of their loop of toxic drama. A hiking club, a language club, an art club, something low stress and fun. You’ll be surprised how much it’ll broaden your perspective to meet other people. You might make your own family that way (it’s what a lot of people in troubled family situations do). Good luck.

SteppedinHairBall wrote:

Been there sorta. I was in my sophomore year when I got the call from my dad that said he was broke. I mowed the U something like $2-3k for housing. I scraped it up and got it paid. But it sucks. I know you are depressed right now, but you can't give up.

The best thing you can do is to focus on school, getting a part time job, and seeing if your university has any summer programs that include housing. Like be a guide in the summer for incoming freshmen, etc.

Get the money sent to you, not your parents. Another thing I did was my U had a program of internships with companies. So I went from school, directly to working when not in class. So I didn't need to go home. I moved every semester, but that internship paid for my housing. So there are options out there.