'My dad is trying to bring my awful stepmom to my wedding to hurt mom's feelings.' UPDATED 2X

Ideally, weddings would be fun and upbeat, but they can also be a source of tension and drama.

In a popular post on the Wedding Drama subreddit, a bride shared her saga with her dad and new "stepmom." She wrote:

"My dad is pretending my wedding is not happening."

So my dad has always been a very 'show off' person- announcements about grades, telling everyone how great his daughters are doing, telling off my sister for having a job he 'can't show off.' When he divorced from my mom he was a good parent for a while and then he met Eva. Eva is way younger, has had a lot of work done and used to send him flirty messages when he was still married.

They got married very early on in the relationship because 'they've known each other ages.' She told him not to text us too much because we are adults, she checks his phone all the time, she forbade him from seeing us Christmas day or St Stephens day because he needed to be with 'his new family' and it would have been disrespectful to her for him to see his ex wife and she's been an absolute nightmare.

And he follows everything she tells him to do. Now I'm getting married and told my dad he's invited but she's not. I've met the woman once and I don't like her, plus I know my father isn't a great person and he'd be making jabs at my mom about being older than Eva etc. To make it fair, my mom's boyfriend is also not invited although he's a sweetheart.

My dad's answer to my invite has been to pretend nothing is happening. I sent him a save the date and he sent me a thumbs up emoji. He hasn't asked me one question about the wedding, not even the venue, even though he told me shortly before meeting Eva that he was looking forward to me and my sister getting married and how excited he was.

Myself and my fiancee are different religions and cultures so everyone's had lots of questions about how we are handling that. Turns out he hasn't told Eva I'm getting married and he hasn't told anyone else so he is just planning to say he has a work trip and come to the wedding.

I don't actually think he's going to show up, I think he will say he is going to and then not show at the last minute but my sister thinks he'll show up with her and make a whole scene because he told her Eva 'has just as much right to be there as your mom' (?????) Anyone else dealt with something similar? Do I need a backup to walk me down the aisle?

People kept it real in the comments.

SailorSpyro wrote:

I just want to point out that your dad is in an abusive relationship. His new wife is cutting him off from his family, his support system, so she can have more control over him. He probably won't be allowed to go to the wedding because she's not invited, and probably wouldn't have been allowed to even if she was.

Your dad is an a** all on his own, but I think it's important to recognize that he's still capable of being abused and that it's happening.

OP responded:

Yes they both suck, he has always been a cheater (at least 3 other women during the span of 10 years that we have evidence of) and I think (no evidence) he was cheating on my mom with her so that's why she's constantly monitoring his phone and not allowing him to leave the house. We told him not to marry her and that her behaviour is very concerning but he seems very blind.

Grumpysmiler wrote:

It sounds like he wants to come and knows the only way coming without his wife is possible is if he lies about it. He's risking getting "caught" to be able to go, which speaks volumes about their relationship but if she checks his phone you're causing further risk of her finding out if you keep messaging him about the wedding: stick to phone calls so there's no record. I hope he can make it and there's no drama.

OP responded:

I rang him the first time to tell him I was getting married and then sent him the save the date the second time asking if he was coming, I didn't know that he hadn't told her at the time. I've no idea why the wife wouldn't let him go to his daughter wedding though it she's as amazing as he says.

30ninjazinmybag wrote:

Communicate ask him if he is coming to the wedding. Tell him if he turns up with Eva they will be removed. Always have back ups when it comes to flaky parents. It's your wedding and his wife has no "right" to be anywhere near your wedding.

OP responded:

I've asked him twice he said 'of course' but then told my sister that he hasn't told his wife I'm getting married and that he'll lie to his wife and tell her he's going away for work. I feel like he's either going to chicken out and not come or tell her she can go with him.

beeboobopppp wrote:

I’m confused as to why you are punishing your mom and her BF for your father’s choices. If you like her BF, you should include him. If you don’t like Eva, don’t include her.

OP responded:

Far more drama if I include him and exclude Eva, it's not worth the headache.

B0326C0821 wrote:

Your dad's an a*s. Why are you doing any favors for him? Honestly it’s kind of a slap in the face to your mom, you should really reconsider your stance on that.

OP responded:

He will for sure not show up if I invite my mom's boyfriend and not his wife, my mom understands that even though my dad is not the best dad ever I still want him there.

They aren't together that long so she's ok with her boyfriend staying at home, plus then he can stay with the dogs and she doesn't have to worry about getting a dog sitter (most of the family is going as well so there's nobody to look after them).

vilebunny wrote:

1. Invite mom’s boyfriend- good behavior is to be rewarded.

2. Ask mom to walk you down the aisle. IF you feel like it and IF he shows without Eva, you can plan a Father/Daughter dance.

3. Hire security, if not for the church then for the reception. Give them Eva’s photo and your dad’s. Label them as dad can come in if not accompanied by Eva. If Eva arrives, they both get escorted out.

OP responded:

I have number 3 covered but we'd know before the reception because the only flight arrives the night before so we'd know by then!

Seven months later, OP shared an update.

So it turns out my dad ended up telling Eva about my wedding and telling her that she WAS invited to the wedding to avoid problems, she got herself a dress, booked a hotel etc.

My dad tried to convince me to invite her but his biggest 'selling' point was that he thought it'd be an amazing time to introduce Eva to my mom and my mom's whole family (why would he think my mom want to meet this woman is beyond me) and that she would feel excluded otherwise.

He always rubs in our faces his new family (even calling it his new family), keeps cancelling every dinner he sets up with my sister due to some 'emergency' involving Eva or tells us to call Eva mom (both me and my sister are wayyyy beyond the point of calling some random mom since we both moved out and he's being ridiculous).

He called me again and again trying to convince me and I said no, explaining that I knew the only reason he wanted to bring his wife to the wedding was to upset mom and that I wasn't going to let the two of them do that (he makes jabs at my mom every time he's around her about how great his new wife is).

I thought the whole thing was over until I sent him some information about the wedding and I guess he started feeling guilty and told us that he booked the flight for Eva as well. AND he booked himself on the same flight as my mom (changed his whole flight plans just so he could be on the flight with her) so that my mom and Eva could 'still meet.'

AKA he could still rub his new wife in her face and try and screw with my mom's head by putting her down and making comparisons) and then Eva would just go off and shop while he was at the ceremony. I'm not sure if this is true or if he was gonna try and bring her to the wedding and hope she didn't get kicked out.

I'm trying to convince my mom to change her flight so he can't get inside her head 12 hours before the wedding. I don't know if I should uninvite him.

People were strongly opinionated about the update.

Zoeyfiona wrote:

Omg yes. What has your mom done to you that you’d facilitate hurting her? Why does he know so many details of your mom’s travel plans?

OP responded:

She is the main reason I haven't uninvited him yet she keeps saying I need to have a relationship with him and being more understanding, he knows because he asked and we figured he was trying to AVOID being on the same flight as her.

sisu143 wrote:

So, why is it important to you that this man is at your wedding? It is giving you nothing but anxiety. Do you dislike your mom this much to allow this?

OP responded:

My mom doesn't want me to uninvite him and keeps saying it will be fine, I think she would feel responsible if I uninvited him over this because she feels like he's not being directly hurtful to me.

I thought the whole situation was behind us and a few family members said I overreacted to begin with and that he had to fight with Eva to be at the wedding and I was being paranoid by saying I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up not showing up.

Nani65 wrote:

OMG! Yes, yes, yes uninvite this pathetic excuse for a father. You have to know that he is just doing this to cause drama at your wedding. In addition to hurting your mom, he probably wants to punish you for not embracing his "new family." What does he bring to your life? Would it be so terrible to not have him in it?

LissyVee wrote:

In your shoes, I'd invite mother's boyfriend, change their flights, include Mum in hair and makeup and make sure she turns out looking a million dollars.

If he's hell bent on bringing Eva and you're not inclined to ditch the pair of them, the least you can do for Mum is to make 100% sure she's got backup (boyfriend) and looks fabulous enough to stick it in their eye. And make sure Mum features prominently in your speech.

Two months later, OP shared the ultimate update.

Wedding has happened, it just took a bit of time to update because it's my life and it all went south and was too raw to try write in a coherent way. It still probably won't be super coherent. Spoiler alert: my dad got uninvited.

Summary TL;DR from previous posts: my dad was acting weird around the wedding, turns out he told his new wife she was invited when she was not. When it got close to the wedding and I told him to tell her he got his wife a flight with him so she 'wouldn't feel left out' and then purposefully chose to be on the same flight as my mom so that my mom and his new wife could 'meet.'

He has a vindictive streak so we knew he was trying to upset my mom. Okay so update: I asked him to change his flight because he had specifically asked me what flight my mom was on SO HE COULD AVOID HER (he had said) and my mom was flying with my grandpa so it would've been quite hard to change their flights to avoid him.

My dad told me he'd changed flights and that he'd invent some lie to tell Eva. He also said I was a horrible person for not believing him when he told me that he had not booked the flight out of spite (but he told my mom he booked the flight on purpose so that she could meet his new wife and what reason would there be for wanting them to meet other than to be an AH?)

I thought the whole thing was resolved and my mom was really adamant that she wanted my dad to be there because I don't have a great relationship with him and she knew it would've meant the end of the relationship if I uninvited him. Fast forward to two days after the conversation, my dad rebooked his flight and sent me a message to say he had changed flights, then that evening he calls me.

I answered the phone and I could hear someone screaming down the phone. Turns out Eva got her hands on my dad's phone, read the messages where I asked him to reschedule the flight and she rang me shouting down the phone that I am unhinged, I am a horrible person, I am effed in the head.

She said that I am so weird because I'm in my 30s and I still talk to my parents (this one was really weird because am I meant to stop at a certain age?) and that I'm jealous of the fact that my dad has a new life. I was very calm and said that I'm sorry she's upset, that the issues around the wedding aren't really related to her directly and that my dad was trying to upset my mom.

I also said my mom's partner is not coming either so it wouldn't be fair to have her there. She started shouting that my mom was a fat old cow and I lost it. I absolutely lost it. In this whole thing my mom has said nothing bad about Eva. I told her I never had any issue with her until now but that she's a crazy b#$ch who is super controlling and that I was so glad I never invited her.

Then I hung up because by that stage it had been two minutes of her shouting at me and I didn't feel like there was any point in talking any longer. The whole time this was going on my dad was in the background saying feebly 'oh no, don't be mad' at HER. While she was shouting down the phone at ME.

Anyway next day my dad calls me and says that Eva was upset because he didn't tell her about changing the flights and that I was awful for responding to her like that. He also said 'do you really think this is my fault?' and I said yes and he said 'do you really refuse to take any responsibility? None of this would've happened if you had invited her like I asked you to'

I said does he actually think he has any say in my wedding when he didn't even ask me what type of ceremony I had, never asked to see my dress or get involved, monetary or otherwise. He asked if he was still invited and I said obviously not. He told me to be careful what I wrote in my messages to him because she was monitoring his phone. I said I'm not speaking to him again so that's not a problem.

The wedding was good, my mom walked me down the aisle and there was nobody there to cause drama so in the end it all worked out for the best.

The whole thing was just a lot more dramatic than I originally thought it would be (we thought he might end up not coming because he was too entangled in his lies but for sure did not expect the call I got) and it was very close to the wedding when all the drama happened.

The internet was fully invested in the resolution of this saga.

tacwombat wrote:

Dad was a horrible partner to OP's mother, and now he's stuck with a horrible partner and his children want nothing to do with him.

He made that bed and he should enjoy lying in it.

daddiestdad wrote:

Her dad sounds like a coward who threw away a loyal and loving wife and two daughters for an unhinged psycho.

kratzicorn wrote:

Anyone else thinking that his need to constantly rub "my hot new young wife" in his serene ex-wife's face is a huge delusion on his part as well? Overcompensating for something much- probably the fact that his life is actually bloody miserable?

WillBrakeforBrakes wrote:

I think it’s partly an ego thing, “hey, look how studly I am, bagging a hot young chick!”, and partly the fact that her youth and hotness are the only silver linings to the colossal f**kup that relationship is.

It sounds like OP is going to be far better off without her dad in her life.